Absolute randomness.

the older i get, the more i appreciate the competency and cooperativeness of those politicians who got together to kill caesar 

60 agreed to kill him and only 23 followed through with the plan, if I remember correctly.

i’m american do you know how siked i would be to get 23 senators to agree on direct action 

According to Christopher Andrew apparently only one stroke was actually fatal

that is exactly as effective as I expect most political action to be tbh

I think it’s my duty to tell the world that not only a single stab was fatal, but also a bunch of those senators accidentally stabbed each other (and some of them died because of the wounds) cause they were panicking so much while attacking Caesar

this is it. this is the taxpayers money in action. incredible.

To quote Cave Johnson: "Science isn't about why, it's about WHY NOT!"

I want a knife gun.

For an updated Ides of March

sometimes i be saying im gonna go to bed and then i dont go to bed. frequently in fact. this is because i have the heart of an optimist and the soul of a liar

there is something erotic about watching someone be extraordinarily competent at something especially if they're also really passionate about it

A spoon's only objective in life is to make soup go upwards, and it knows this. That's why when you put one under a running tap it blasts the water way high. The spoon thinks there's suddenly TONS of soup to deal with and it freaks out.

the default way for things to taste is good. we know this because "tasty" means something tastes good. conversely, from the words "smelly" and "noisy" we can conclude that the default way for things to smell and sound is bad. interestingly there are no corresponding adjectives for the senses of sight and touch. the inescapable conclusion is that the most ordinary object possible is invisible and intangible, produces a hideous cacophony, smells terrible, but tastes delicious. and yet this description matches no object or phenomenon known to science or human experience. so what the fuck

this is what ancient greek philosophy is like

of fucking course

I hope this joke outlives the context that made it, leaving future generations baffled.