Ask Alistair

Alistair, Why exactly are the kinds of things going around granting wishes so obsessed with interpreting them in the worst possible light? It’s just so inconvenient. Who benefits? One Million Ducks in Wiscasset 1M Ducks, I know the behaviour to which you are referring, but most beings that can grant wishes don’t actually do this. You, for example, have probably not done this and yet if you…

Let’s Not

Alistair, I met the in-laws for the first time last weekend. Understand that I realize my wife didn’t have a totally normal upbringing, but we’re working through it. Having met her parents and. . . brother(?) though, a lot of little details got explained. You see, they are actually Deep Ones from the time-before-time. Or that’s what they kept saying. I tried to find out if that was in the area,…

Not a Miracle Worker

Alistair, I’m a doctor at a relatively prestigious hospital. A couple weeks ago a man came in complaining of a pain in his stomach. It persisted long enough that I finally ordered an MRI. Long story short, his entire thoracic cavity has been replaced with a single enormous worm. Since then, people have been coming in more and more frequently – two, then three, then five – all showing the same…

Alistair, There’s a popular new fad going around my school. It’s these little devices that flash different colors up in sequence. I’m colorblind, so I can’t actually appreciate the colors. It’s getting unsettling. Outside of class, everyone just stands in the hall staring at them. They don’t play videos, they don’t play games, they don’t have information. It’s just colors. Now it’s started to…

Alistair, So I kinda thought that I was the hero of my story: slay an evil dragon or two, make friends with a good dragon, inherit a kingdom, lead them into a glorious and new age. I’m outside the evil dragon’s cave, though, and… there’s a lot of bodies and cooked pieces. And it’s occurred to me that I might actually be one of the guys who dies before he ever makes it that far. Any way to…

Alistair, I was sent a video of a crow staring into a camera. After about fifteen seconds, the skin falls off and the skeleton flies away. Then there are words that say “Send this to someone else or die in three days.” I’m not sure what the ethical solution is, but the skeleton bird has been stalking me in real life for a day and a half and I’m kinda not interested in betting on a chain…

Alistair, I recently spoke with a man who claimed to be a door-to-door phone service salesman. Once I signed the contract, however, I found out that I had signed away my soul as part of the contract. Unfortunately, the service is fantastic so I don’t want to get out of the contract wholesale. Any advice for just the soul clause? Hearing You Now in Kassel Hearing You, The short answer is No.…

Alistair,A few blocks away from where my family just moved, there’s a house that eats children. I can’t relocate because of work, but I’m interested in not having my kids devoured by a California bungalow. They keep skipping school to sit on their bikes outside the chained fence, staring at the windows for hours on end. It’s getting old that I have to drive over there and pick them up every…

Alistair,My uncle died and willed me a human skull that seems to have a malevolent spirit inside. Well, I assume it’s malevolent. The jaw is chained shut, but it tries to bite me every time I get close. Should I dispose of it? How?Hamlet in Fort Worth Hamlet, I once enjoyed dinner with this guy who had been faced with a similar problem. In his case, he arrived at the somewhat obvious conclusion…

Alistair,I have recently had my brain swapped with that of my pet cockatoo. I’m typing this – painfully – using my beak, while trying to distract my body by throwing seeds on the floor. It looks like it’s broken my nose trying to pick it up. Good recommendations for a clinic to return my brain back?Chirpy in LA Chirpy, By “had my brain swapped” I assume that you mean that you’ve had that…

Alistair,I am an ancient demigod, returned from a death that was no death for one of my stature. In the meantime, my look was co-opted by a children’s show character. Now, everyone who encounters me is, instead of awed and terrified, mildly amused. What should I do to regain my sense of terrible presence?Chuckles in New Amsterdam Chuckles,I’m sure that by now you’re very tired of being told to…

Alistair, I work for a corporation described by most as “evil”. While we can debate the ethics of the matter – strict interdepartmental discipline doesn’t necessarily equal evil, even if a little bit of fire is involved – the fact is that we’re going places. Or would, if the CEO wasn’t constantly spending money on pet projects. Rather than spending a moderate amount on kidnapping someone and…

Alistair, After a recent UFO sighting and abduction, some men wearing black suits came by and tried to erase my memory. I think they forgot to change the batteries or something, because it didn’t take. I felt bad about it and played along, but I think that it maybe wasn’t the right move now that I think about it later. What would have been the right move then? Honesty or a little white…

Alistair, I’ve created one of the ultimate superweapons, but like a fool I did it on company time. Thanks to policy, they technically own the rights to my Planet Buster 4k. I suppose I could use the weapon to threaten them into keeping the rights, but if I let them know it exists I won’t have a patent before the design leaks. Any thoughts? Company Man in Albuquerque Company Man, So you’re…

Alistair, In a recent investigation in a pyramid, I found a hidden door, marked with symbols that translated to “Keep out – My rooms – No girls allowed”. When I opened it, I found a collection of greenish-gray creatures with big eyes that were totally dark and didn’t have any eyelids. They were bending over a sarcophagus, and when they saw me, they just stared. We stood there for like fifteen…

Alistair, Is it ethical to have a relationship with a fully human man, given that I’m a half-human hybrid? I mean, I’m thinking about the children here. Fish nor Fowl in Cambridge Fish nor Fowl, It’s largely going to depend on half what. A half god is a metaphysical threat, a half fish is a biological oddity. Which is not to say a half god creature is not also a biological oddity (godly…

Alistair, My neighbors are being hunted by a mysterious creature who lurks in the darkness. I haven’t told them that I can hear it whispering to me in the night; it wants help. It wants me to lure them out, to let them be found and taken away. Is collaborating with the creature sketchy? Or just good sense? Maybe Quisling in San Juarez Quisling, First of all, you’re making some assumptions…