Ash and Ant

This has been bothering me for quite some time, and now it’s time to talk about it.

I am a happily married bisexual woman, and my husband and I have been together for 10 years (never a night apart) and I have always wanted a female partner to go through life with. Not a sex toy, not a maid or a babysitter, a partner, a love, a hand to hold when my husband is at work and I have a moment of weakness and in turn, I want someone I can hold when she needs me, someone that can count on me to listen when no one else will or defend her against a freak mountain lion attack.

For some reason, this is apparently a bad thing, and I(we) should not be “looking for a third” according to so much of what I have read written by so many offended bisexual women out there. 

Personally, I would think that it would depend on your definition of “a third”. 

So, from what I gather, because I am a bisexual woman in a happy relationship with a man who is looking for a woman to fall in love with, I should be ashamed of myself, that a polyamorous relationship should be open and dreaming of a tight-knit closed triad relationship is what exactly?...disrespectful to the ideals of polyamory in general?

If that is so, what should I do, exclude myself from having this idea, because polyfidelity isn’t supposed to exist? 

I am not asking that a girl has to sleep with my husband or she can’t be with me, no doubt, that would be a shitty thing to do to someone. I am looking for someone who would consider trying a relationship based on equality, trust and a family dynamic where all are equal. 

Sure, I understand the intimidation factor - “Oh, they have been together for 10 years, there’s no waaaay I’m going in there”  

Of course it is a scary situation, but so are all relationships when you first begin. 

To so many out there, this makes me a bad person, apparently. So how does a successful polyfidelity/poly-triad relationships start? Do 3 random people crash carts at Walmart and instantly get googly-eyed? No, they find each other because they are looking for that bond to begin with. 

My husband has always been ok with the idea, he has never told me it has to be one way or no way, and if the girl of my dreams didn’t want to try, she would never be here in the first place. 

I see so many on tumblr saying dating sites are not for “unicorn hunters” that it ruins them for bisexual women. I definitely understand this , most couples are on there looking for a sex toy, looking for that “threesome” milestone in their relationship, so they typically lie, saying they are a bisexual woman looking for a woman, and don’t let on that they have a husband until later. 

I see it all the time on a site I frequent, and it pisses me off too. All it does is create a stereotype that not all of us fit in to. And we don’t all deserve to be put in that (pun intended) group. 

I am on a dating site, AND up front about my husband in the first sentence, and do not hound or message anyone.... at all. I put our info, photos, tastes and our goals on there, and nothing else.

A threesome is easier to come by than most think, this doesn’t mean that every couple is just looking for a night or two of physical bliss.

I want a friend at first, because without that, why bother. My husband is my best friend, if he wasn’t, and it was just sexual or financial or anything else, then, like most people we know, we might not have made it this long. 

I understand, fidelity is not for everyone, and I am fine with that, as they say, “whatever floats your boat” ...though, I’ll just stick to the shore, because, truth is, I can’t swim.

As far as my female partner, I long for that friendship as well, after all, if we have nothing in common, then the bond will probably crumble. After time goes on, maybe more will happen, I can imagine that first exciting kiss that I have longed to feel for many years, and if she falls for my husband as well, and is truly looking for polyfidelity, then we might have a shot at something beautiful, something special. 

I feel if it is at all possible, she will come my way, as I am not “hunting” anyone. 

She would be a unique and amazing individual, with her own mind and choices, and neither one of us making them for her.

For now, until that day comes, I keep this dream on a shelf. I might be considered a "unicorn hunter", but this isn't about sex, or house cleaning, or any other excuse people have to put me, and my sexuality... in a box. 

We are a tad bit introverted, we’re not rich, so not looking for a sugar-baby either, we live a pretty lame life, but if you could see yourself wanting to hike in a huge woods or spending all day picking out beads to make a gemstone bracelet, then give us a shout if you want to start a conversation that might never end.