Asexuals Anonymous

Hi there! So I have a friend who has talked to me openly about how she is asexual panromantic. We have gotten very close. We spend a pot of time together. She holds my hand, she grabs my thigh, rests her hand there and cuddles with me a lot. We go to the movies with friends and she sits by me and holds my hand. In the car, while Im driving she always grabs my hand to hold. I am starting to get feelings for her, does she like me too? Or do you think she thinks of me as a squish or just a friend that she is really close to? Thank you.

I assume this is regarding the inactivity of this blog (and isn’t asking about our locations).We get busy with other things. Life gets in the way. Pretty sure every mod is working or is in college, both for some of us. And there’s mental health to consider, too. Sometimes looking through our inbox is overwhelming, and some of the asks are sensitive subjects.So, I guess, short answer: We’re still here, but we can be pretty sporadic about answering asks.I’ll try to be more active in the coming weeks, but at the moment I really need to focus on my fall quarter finals.Sorry about the absence~ Nash

For me, it sounds something like “new job is kicking my ass, and I use up all of my ability to give advice on my coworkers and students, because I’m in with an age group that’s younger than my preference and they do not have the coping skills that older kids have.”

When that changes, I’ll be back! I still love you all, and I still read all the messages that come in, I just can’t make the putting words into helpful sentences thing happen right now.

My submission for the asexuality awareness week

I never though I would ever write this because it has never mattered to me. Although it has always been a part of me, but i never had time to sit and brood to come to terms with this part of me. But then why would you write about something that doesn’t matter to you and isn’t an obstacle in your everyday life, you ask? well here you go…

I have the most unfriendly type of personality possible, in terms of emotions. I don’t like confronting my emotions, I don’t talk about them, i don’t use it to detour from my decisions. Growing up I never watched movies and never listened to the mainstream music that the world is mad about. The reason being that i failed at relating with it, so i stuck to my sci-fi and horror genre. I convinced myself that when i grow up, i’ll feel the same way the world does, instead of feeling a certain disgusted repulsion towards it. 

Then i got into bonehead high school with other buster kids called ‘teenagers’ and tolerating them for 5 hrs everyday was impossible for me, let alone relating to them. They all were bathing in the river of hormones that were gushing through their minds making them look stupider. But in this whole scenario, I was still out of the city that river flew in. All i could conclude from their strange behaviour was that they just like the idea of being besotted, for someone, anyone. And their hormones are the wielder in this Shakespearean drama.  But then the question was, where were my hormones? Maybe I have mastered self control? or maybe I don’t have time for this BS? or maybe me being a misanthrope has something to do with it? 

little things that indicated toward me not being straight were-

Frowning upon girls/boys who talked of having “crush” and giving so much of their energy/time to this juvenile amalgamation of love.

Wondering why boys get so hurt when girls friend-zoned them. 

Researching and researching and dying to know why these people wanna hold hands?

Reading psychology and becoming Sigmund Freud and still not understanding the psychology behind these fanciful and whimsical crushes. 

Being disconcerted and confused when almost all the girls were behind this ONE. GUY. who didn’t even know how to not utter shit from his mouth. like how do they all know that he is going to be the one everyone is gonna go behind? do they discuss this in a meeting? 

What is this love shit people speak of? 

Bursting into laugh when i realised that females drool over tom cruise and Ryan gosling . 

Thinking that females are just endearing/sympathising their favourite male artists by complementing their looks.

In all this I was too naive to realise that i am the odd one out. 

To put this all laconically, I am asexual. aromantic asexual. I don’t feel any romantic/sexual attraction towards any gender. I don’t find any magic in your breathtaking beauty and I am not spellbound by your extreme handsomeness. No i will not watch that romantic movie no matter how much you force me. I would rather leave traces in the form of equations and theories rather than producing kids, and i would rather spend my life solving the universe instead of marrying.  

“But its just a phase” If asexuality is ‘just a phase’ then how can you be so sure that your heterosexuality is also not ‘just a phase’? 

Yes i feel alone. And yes, sometimes it feels like there is a colour that the whole world can see except me. But maybe the purpose of my life is different than others. Maybe i was designed this way to fulfill the purpose of my life.

Usually the first advice I'd give is to make sure it's safe to come out. You said you feel like your parents will be understanding, so it sounds like you've already been thinking about this part. Still, sometimes it can help to test the waters by bringing it up not in relation to yourself, just to see how your parents react.

This is by no means a comprehensive post on coming out, but here are some of my thoughts.

Text vs In-person.

Sometimes it's hard to set the stage for something like this. You're worried about blurting it out at the wrong moment... Or maybe you keep meaning to say it but it never seems like the right time. Or it's just hard to find the right way to start the conversation. And maybe that's why you choose to tell them over text. That's absolutely legitimate. Some people have an easier time communicating over text (I know I'm one of those people).Alternately, some people might choose in-person because there's less suspense. Some people don't like sending an important text message and waiting for a response- they'd rather get the immediate response by telling people in-person. Or they don't know how to interpret responses over text because they can't read the tone of it. That's also legitimate.But I can't tell you whether text or in-person is right for you. You know you. Come out in whatever way makes you most comfortable.

Be ready to talk about it.

The reality is, whether you come out in text or in-person, you will probably end up having this conversation face-to-face at some point. That's something important to recognize. The choice to come out through text rather than in-person isn't about avoiding the face-to-face conversation- so if that's something you're trying to do, it's probably best to wait until you're actually ready for the face-to-face.

Prepare ahead of time. 

This is especially important when coming out to somebody who doesn't know what asexuality is. Prepare so, when they ask the inevitable "What is that?", you have an answer ready for them. You don't want to put yourself on the spot. I know if I'm having an important conversation but I'm asked a question I'm unprepared for, I seem to forget how words work. If they ask a question you're not prepared to answer, or that you don't want to answer, just say so. You can say, "I'll have to think about that" or "That's personal and I'd rather not talk about it". Preparing can also mean having resources ready to show them! Maybe you'd rather not have to answer all their questions yourself, but you can still have resources to direct them to and say "This might help you understand more". How you prepare is up to you- but preparing is always a good idea, at the very least just to help you feel more confident and ready for the conversation.

You don't have to explain everything. 

They don't need to know everything about asexuality; sometimes too much information all at once can confuse people. You can always talk about it more later, if you choose- take it one step at a time.

I hope you don’t mind me replying to this publicly! Here’s a link to the ask being referenced here.

So I did some quick research and while I don’t know which “type” is which, aceflux 1 and aceflux 2 are referring to the idea that there are two different ways that an aceflux identity can be understood:

1) What fluctuates is not your level of attraction, but level of desire, ie: how much you want to have sex varies, while not feeling sexual attraction remains constant. Eg: I am not sexually attracted at all to my hypothetical datemate. However, I fluctuate between being very sex repulsed and being okay with some sexual activities. (I feel like there is another word for this feeling, but I can’t for the life of me come up with what it is. If it comes to me, I’ll update this post accordingly.)

2) The more commonly understood definition, which is that actual amounts of attraction fluctuate; someone who is primarily asexual, but who will sometimes feel attraction to greater or lesser extents. Eg: I generally don’t feel any sexual attraction towards my hypothetical datemate, but on rare occasions, I find them extremely attractive.

I don’t know how much that first definition is used, and I can only find one AVEN thread referencing it, which seems to be drawing the idea of two “types” of aceflux from an image showing two different aceflux pride pins. So your mileage may vary.

As for -spike, as in acespike/arospike. those are words that describe a person who feels that they are generally asexual/aromantic, with rare, sudden, intense “spikes” of attraction that disappear rapidly.

Thanks for bringing this to our attention!

I wouldn’t want to deal with a big wall of text either, honestly. But I’m also on mobile most of the time, so I haven’t actually looked at our glossary in ages.

I’ll get on my laptop and try to make our glossary easier to navigate.