One of the most disappointing things in life is realizing that, according to Jupiter Ascending logic, I'm not secret royalty because I got stung by a bee in elementary school.
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@artfulusername
One of the most disappointing things in life is realizing that, according to Jupiter Ascending logic, I'm not secret royalty because I got stung by a bee in elementary school.

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okay there's a cover version of 500 Miles playing in this KFC by some coffee shop singer songwriter type and she's changed the lyrics so it's only 79 miles??
I thought I was having a mental break the first time but the chorus came around again and she definitely said "I would walk 40 miles and I would walk 39 more just to be the one who walked 79 miles". I'm sorry but that's just not far enough to be songworthy and it's also uncomfortably specific
also I'm in Scotland and I think an American singer doing this is a reportable hate crime here
The cover is by Pixie Lott and it is something to do with the Ronald McDonald houses (sorry on my way out the door no time to read)
Huh.
"The iconic 80s hit βIβm Gonna Be (500 Miles)β has been reimagined by pop star and mother-of-two, Pixie Lott, with a unique take on its legendary lyrics. Almost 40 years since its original release, McDonaldβs and Ronald McDonald House UK today launch βIβm Gonna Be (79 Miles)β to highlight the average distance a family will travel to be with their seriously ill or injured child in hospital. "
when pacific rim is brought up around me in a "the jaegars are so epic" way and i have to pretend to be Super Normal about raleigh having felt his brother die mid-drift and having to pull himself and their jaegar singlehandedly back to shore and losing all faith in the world and the existing system and mako losing her family to the kaiju and so she grows up training to be a jaegar pilot even though the man who protected and raised her doesn't want to lose her to the kaiju along with the countless others he sent to their deaths and raleigh and mako having that instant connection (and it's debatable whether they want to kiss crazy styles but there's no time to unpack bc they need to save humanity first) and nothing can break it not pentecost or the asshole australian pilot who won't give them a break or even the fucker aliens that live behind the breach and also the two eccentric (gay) scientists who constantly bicker and butt heads coming to an enthusiastic understanding that they have to drift together with a kaiju brain because if geiszler is gonna do it again who but gottlieb is crazy enough to do it with him and the overall act of drifting itself being so intimate and personal because This is the person that knows Everything about you and now you're gonna go out there and murder some kaijus but you're doing it together because you Need each other and and and
okay there's a cover version of 500 Miles playing in this KFC by some coffee shop singer songwriter type and she's changed the lyrics so it's only 79 miles??
I thought I was having a mental break the first time but the chorus came around again and she definitely said "I would walk 40 miles and I would walk 39 more just to be the one who walked 79 miles". I'm sorry but that's just not far enough to be songworthy and it's also uncomfortably specific
also I'm in Scotland and I think an American singer doing this is a reportable hate crime here
When the schemes are gay and sinister

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vincent price horror flicks are great because the wretched old servant will be like βbeware, for the Evil Twisted Master approachesβ¦. hark! i hear his wicked footstep on the stair even now!β and the door opens and itβs noted bisexual vincent price in a silly outfit
Relevant XKCD: https://xkcd.com/2609/
theres ALWAYS a relevant XKCD for everything huh
reminds me of how artists flip the canvas to make sure their art looks good
Just flip the genders real quick and check if you accidentally made a cult
βIt's not fair.β The little ghost kicks impotently at the chalk lines around her feet. βI ain't done nothing.β
I nod, setting down my chalk and spellbook. βIt does sound like there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding.β
βShe took against me, that's what happened,β the dead girl says with a scowl. She looks about fourteen, round faced and spotty, with whisps of brown hair peaking out from under her mob-cap. Her face and her crossed arms have a tell-tale bluish tinge to them. A cholera death.
βI been here for don't know how long and never gave any trouble. Nobody ever complained about me 'till her.β
β¦well, that's not strictly true.
Number 12, Barclay Street has been attracting rumours of haunting since the mid nineteenth century.
Sounds of faint singing and crying in the corridors at night. Cold spots. Doors that open and close by themselves. Animals acting strangely. Harmless, mid to low-level stuff, typical for a bored teenage poltergeist.
Still, pointing that out isn't likely to achieve much, and certainly the most recent complaints of blood running down the walls, screams in the dark and paralysing night terrors seem distinctly out of character.
The ghost toes the chalk again, more tentatively this time. It stays resolutely unbroken.
She could get out if she wanted to. I'm not one of those assholes who brings out their full arsenal of wards and sigils for a first meeting with a level 2 spectre. The summoning circle will keep her in one place for as long as I need her to talk, but it wouldn't hold for a moment if she really fought against it.
I take it as a good sign that she's still here. Pouting or not, she's clearly willing to work with me.
βNone of the others could do this,β she says. βNone of 'em even saw me.β She looks up. βAre you here to exise me?β
βExorcise,β I say instinctively, and curse myself when she flinches. βSorry, no, no! I don't exorcise people from their homes without good reason, not if they're happy where they are.β
βI was happy. Till she started calling in all them ghost hunters.β
Mrs Delaney had been quite persistent in her attempts to 'fix' her haunted house. Most of the people she found were charlatans, of course, but I'd still arranged an appointment as fast as I could once word reached me. It wouldn't have been long before she happened upon somebody with Talent, and unfortunately not everybody in this field knows how to behave like a professional.
βI think we might be able to help each other,β I say, careful to keep my voice calm and level.
βDon't see how. Not unless you can exorcise Her.β
βNot quite what I had in mind.β I pull out my phone and scroll through my photos. βYou say that you're not the cause of the most recent incidents of paranormal activity?β
A pause. The ghost gnaws on her lip. I wait, patiently, keeping my body language open and nonthreatening. βIβ¦ I knocked her coffee cup over,β she admits at last. βShe was being mean and talking on her telephone, saying I done all these things when I never did! So I decided to show her what I could do if I wanted.β
βHmm.β The ghost eyes me nervously, as if expecting me to pull out a book, bell and candle and banish her on the spot.
βI only tipped it,β she adds. βI didn't break it or nothing!β
βYou shouldn't have touched it at all,β I say sternly. βButβ¦ I can appreciate that you were frustrated, so let's say no more about it.β
The ghost looks relieved.
βMy point is,β I continue, βif you weren't the one making blood rain from the ceiling or tormenting people in their sleep, then what was? There's no other ghosts on the property.β I find the picture I was looking for. βYou can get anywhere around the house, right? Including behind the furniture and in the backs of cupboards?β
βYes'm.β
I hold the phone up so that she can see the picture on the screen. βI'm going to let you go free in a moment, and I need you to see if you can find anything that looks like this.β
The ghost wrinkles her forehead. βWhat's that when it's at home?β
βBlack mould,β I say, reaching out a foot to break the binding circle. βAnd I'm pretty sure it's the cause of this haunting.β
I stayed inside and watched musicals today. That was a good call on my part. Words also got written. Now it is time for sleep.
Since new info about season 2 is coming out today thought Iβd draw a little chilshi kissing

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A cum bomb detonated in my fuck canal βπ»
Having seen some births now i can say that dog birth is amazing cos they just slip n slide out one after the other like a little conveyor belt. And theyre so little and unformed. And then UNGULATE BIRTHS ... are amazing for the opposite reason which is that 10mins after being born they are filing their taxes. Unless they are goats, in which case they are committing tax fraud instead
Goats are what is called a precocial species, which means that shortly after birth they are able to do many thimgs on their own, such as standing, walking, eating, and embezzlement
1776 π€ The Slipper and the Rose
Movies consisting in large part of men in 18th-century formalwear being eruditely catty to each other, and in which one of the standout musical numbers features a large group of said men sedately capering.
sorry im not giving into the cutting out sweet treats propaganda. life is hard enough
insp.

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What's something about the medieval time period you wish was more widely taught/known?
Oh that's easy. It's my usual rant about how every few fucking years, we have another terrible Medieval TM movie/TV series made by Some Guy who declares, with utterly baffling certainty, that everything in the medieval world was grey/filthy/rapey/misogynist/racist/violent/terrible/diseased/idiotic/illiterate all the time, and therefore they are just being Historically Akkurittt!!! by making said movie as the most tedious and monotonous pile of ill-informed tripe imaginable. Everything in Medieval World bad!!! Everything in Modern World good!!! Historikkal Progggressss!!!! LOL DONTCHA KNOW IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF IDIOT FILTHY CAVEMEN! THEN THE RENAISSANCE HAPPENED AND YAY EVERYTHING WAS GREAT AGAIN!
Like. Obviously the medieval world was complex!! Both good and bad things happened because!!! Obviously humans are ALSO complex!!! But they are still people in any place and time!!! Obviously 1000 years of history across the entire world was not a monotonous monochrome rape-fest, as we have in our countless tales told by idiots!!! Obviously we cannot just generalize because it isn't as Seksssy as Ancient Romans Having Orgies or The Renaissance, and trust me, WE ALSO HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE RENAISSANCE (DEROGATORY!!!) Why do we have every moron in Hollywood making confident proclamations as if they've actually studied this and are So Sure they're correct when they are dramatically not? Why are we so scared of letting the medieval world be more than a cliche? Why are we so fixated on medieval Europe (answer: racism) and think of it as the only possible medieval world? HAVE YOU MORONS HEARD OF MEDIEVAL AFRICA/ASIA? MEDIEVAL/PRE-COLUMBIAN AMERICA? AND EVEN THE VAST COMPLEXITY IN MEDIEVAL EUROPE ITSELF?? NO I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO, YOU MISERABLE COCKWAFFLES!!!!
HOW HAVE WE ALL JUST ABSORBED THIS BY OSMOSIS??? WHY DO I HAVE TO READ ONE MORE GODFORSAKEN INTERVIEW WITH SOME IDIOT ACTOR EARNESTLY ASSERTING THAT THEY ARE "DISPLAYING THE REAL MEDIEVAL WORLD?" WHY DO WE HAVE MOUTHBREATHING NAZIS ON TWITTER WAILING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH WHENEVER A BLACK PERSON APPEARS IN A PERIOD SETTING (ANSWER: ALSO RACISM). WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID??? SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!
/deep breaths
In conclusion:
this heatwave fucking sucks how am I going to serve my liege like this
im never leaving this hellsite
i swear if this is the second stupid sword picture post i make that gets to 10k i'll just go kill someone
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!