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it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

i want a perfect buddy i want a perfect bro

btw with email u dont have to lick the envelope. i know a lot of people have been doing that and its fine and all but you dont acrtually have to do that with email.

“yeah no” is one of the best phrases in contemporary English.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: A lot of "mental health issues" disappear when bills are paid, rent is secure, and the fridge is full. Peace is expensive. And pretending money doesn't affect mental health is privilege.

"i've got no qualms about it" meanwhile i'm over here making qualm chowder

Somehow being a person does not come naturally to me

How quickly we forget the dangerous crow boy who’s job it is to destroy plastic

as per my last straw,

i think i deserve financial compensation for everything. all of it. i’m not even gonna specify

"app" is without a doubt one of the deepest evils of the human race. "hello. would you like to be expected to have a bespoke piece of software for every single Brand you might theoretically interact with in a day" <- statement dreamed up by someone who should be drawn and quartered