No feelings

Bringing this back because there’s been a bit of a push from Mormon influencers to normalize Mormonism, and as an exmormon I’m here to say fuck that

... Is this a bad time?

Shindig

Go show her some love on x!!! @lara-jenn

Nsfw topic: masturbation & self pleasure (?)

I need tips.

Im asexual (with female anatomy) and from my limited expertise I do not enjoy or yearn for sexual activities with anyone. Tho sometimes I masturbate with a vibrator (do not enjoy penetration). Every now and then I get this need and want to orgasm, but every time I go for it it's just.. eh? Like sure the orgasm itself is good but thats only for a second or so. All the prep beforehand, setting up time to do it, trying to get myself in the mood somehow bc any type of porn dont work at all lmao, having to do the masturbation, cleaning up afterwards.. its just not worth it for the little reward. It's exhausting.

But I still want the orgasm.

Has any of you found a way it wont be such a hassle? Or a better way to enjoy it? Anything related to this, please, I want to make it more enjoyable for myself. <3

Hello, anon! Thank you for reaching out.

Try to enhance your pleasure throughout the process. A lot of people race straight to the orgasm as fast as possible, because it's the "Best Part". However, getting there can be really good, too. Drawing it out can make the orgasm stronger when you get there, as well. Try things like changing the vibration speed or pressure to vary the sensation. Stop stimulation entirely for 10-20 seconds when you get close to keep you in the pleasurable zone just before the orgasm for longer. Rub areas like your thighs, belly, chest, nipples, and labia. Clench your PC muscles/do Kegels. Switch between the vibrator and fingers/hand, or grinding against a pillow or folded blanket. Take the time to explore and find what works, then incorporate that as you go. And go into it with the expectation that you're going to experiment, and that you won't necessarily find something that works every time, so you may not have an orgasm that time, but knowing what doesn't work is just as important.

Schedule it or plan for it ahead of time. Instead of waiting for the mood to strike, just decide that you're going to give it a go at a particular time in the future. Like you're gonna do it every Thursday morning. That makes it more of a planned routine, so you won't feel like it's an extra time burden. Also, you may find that you'll start looking forward to it, which might help you get pre-aroused for when the time comes. You can also coordinate with other things. Don't like the cleanup time? Do it before (or during!) a shower you're going to take anyway. Stuff like that.

Take a look at all the parts of the process that you don't like, and see if you can make adjustments to minimize or eliminate them. Can you skip any of the prep work steps? Can you set the vibrator aside when you're done and clean it in the morning instead?

Instead of trying to "get in the mood" with things like porn or whatever, focus on the physical side of things. Focus on the sensations, center yourself on what feels good, think about what the orgasm will feel like, and let all of that carry you along. You don't have to feel "turned on" before you get started (although that may make things easier), you can just get started and your body will probably respond.

You can also try masturbating while you're doing other things (within reason). Turn the vibrator on and use something like clothes or a towel to keep it in place hands-free, while you watch TV or read the news or play a game or whatever. (Just don't do it while you're driving or operating heavy machinery or taking a math test or something like that...) Let it build on its own for a while, then focus on it when you've reached a point where you're close. It might take longer overall to do it this way, but it may not feel like you're spending as much time on it.

And finally, switch up what you do. A little variety can prevent things from getting stale. If you only orgasm with the same vibrator all the time, try getting a different toy or two. Maybe something in a different style, like one of those air sucker things, or a vibrator that's stronger or a different shape. Try grinding on a pillow or a folded blanket, or using your fingers or different parts of your hand. Do it in a different position, like sitting or standing or laying on your back or stomach, and move your legs around. Use a handheld showerhead or the flow from a tub faucet on your clitoris. Even try sitting on a washing machine in the spin cycle...

I’m so glad you asked! Let me list off what I’ve got for you:

Books I personally recommend:

- The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

If you’re having kinky sex at all, you need to read at least one of these two books. Point blank. They’ll teach you the very basics of negotiating properly (which is critical!), and help you identify what you are and aren’t into.

- Mindfucking Mindfully, by Sir Ezra Where this book really shines isn’t actually in helping you “mindfuck” people, it’s in taking a close look at how to do so ethically. It’s a great answer to the question “how do I get someone to consent to something and still surprise and shock them with it?”

- Real Service by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny This is a slightly niche pick but there simply isn’t a better book on the subject. It’s written from a 24/7 M/s perspective, which is not what I do, but the book itself is an indispensable guide to giving and receiving service. The phrase “if the Master doesn’t want it, it isn’t service” will be burned into my psyche for quite some time. I love this book a lot. Maybe my favorite out of all of these.

- Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation, by Princess Kali This one’s high on my reading list; I’ve heard it recommended by a number of people whose opinions on these things I trust.

- Pretty Much Anything Midori Has Ever Done Midori is a great resource for this stuff - I haven’t personally read much of her work, but she’s a well known sex educator and great at what she does. She’s known for bondage, but has a lot of range beyond that.

- This Negotiations Worksheet from Bex Talks Sex This is what I default to using a lot of the time for negotiations. Forget BDSMtest, you don’t need that, it’s no good. Just look through this worksheet’s wordbank with your partner. Big fan especially of the “how do you want to feel?” section.

Books I can kind of recommend:

- The Ultimate Guide to Kink, edited by Tristan Taormino This book is weird. There’s a lot of good info for experienced players, but some of what’s written here skeeves me out. I think if I had a top that thought the way some of the tops in here think, they would not be topping me for long. But there’s some good techniques and so on to pick up that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I liked the distinction one of the authors makes between being sadistic in the sense of inflicting pain and being sadistic in the sense of doing something your sub doesn’t “enjoy.”

- The Ritual of Dominance and Submission, by David English Man, this book fucking sucks. The writing and editing are garbage, and the fear and protocol play described need way more careful negotiation than he ever lets on, let alone recommends. This is some 50 Shades bullshit. The only time I recommend this book is to tops like me who tend to be very affirming to their partners and need a guide on how to really scare them - when their partner consents and when you negotiate it, which this book sucks at teaching you. Really good content on fear, punishment, and protocol play, really terrible presentation of the topic though. Don’t read this if you don’t already know what you’re doing.

- Paradigms of Power, by Raven Kaldera I love this book. Great book. Very focused on 24/7 M/s play though, and, being an anthology, some chapters are better than others. If you can’t read something and pick out what is and isn’t for you, don’t bother. But some really great inspiration, and generally pretty well written. Big fan of the discussion of leather throughout the book.

This post is basically a transcript of a speech I give to newbies to the D/s scene all the time IRL. I figured it might be useful not only to people curious about kink IRL but also to smut writers here on the smut writing website.

For the purposes of this post, I am sending specific physical acts out of the room. Right now they don't matter, because you can meet an emotional need through any number of physical acts. So when I say that there are many ways to dom and many ways to sub, I am not referring to many kinds of physical acts. I mean that there are many emotional needs that doms and subs bring to scenes, and those can change the scene more than the choice of physical acts that will occur in that scene.

I say this to newbies to the scene because they tend to have a narrow view of the motivations and needs that bring people to D/s, biased by both the newbie's own preferences and the depictions of D/s they've seen in media. The same is true of people who write kink fic. Kink fic is very biased to a narrow subset of the wide range of emotional needs that people might bring to this kind of play.

It's really important to understand this in D/s IRL because a mismatch or miscommunication about these needs can lead to a bad scene. For example, let's take the approaches of sub-as-beloved-pet and sub-as-object. If a dom treats a sub as a beloved pet when what they really want is to be treated like an object, then a sub who went into a scene needing to be ignored, or at the very least the illusion of being ignored and disregarded, is suddenly in the spotlight of a lot of intense attention and affection. Again, I will note that both of these scenes could potentially involve the same physical acts, just approached differently. Let's say it's a service submission scene where the sub is naked and cleaning the room for the dom. Sub-as-beloved-pet would get frequent praise and lots of patiently repeated instructions, while sub-as-object would get one detailed instruction at the beginning and no reinforcement except a punishment if they get part of the instruction wrong.

I'm going to go through a bunch of different styles of dom and sub, with the emotional needs that underlie them. This list is not exhaustive. I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of or encountered, so feel free to reblog with additions. It may also be a bit dom-biased because I'm a dom, but I think that might be for the best, because the emotional needs of doms are generally less understood than those of subs.

Various consensual kinks discussed below. Kinkshamers in the notes will be blocked with extreme prejudice.

you’re in his dms? okay, well, im on top of him. we’re not fucking he just likes the pressure