to be seen; to be found—

you can get married at the real spot of Alby Ruben & Niall's wedding btw

Eddie putting Buck in his will in the context of Eddie begins makes me want to lie down on the floor. The flashbacks show us that Eddie has a real problem committing to things when someone else can hold him responsible for his faults. He can’t commit to being a husband, or a father, until he literally has no choice. Now, he’ll hold himself responsible until the sun goes supernova, obviously, but he can’t stomach the idea of sharing the burden (martyr complex hello) and possibly someone bearing witness to his fuck ups.

I keep thinking about a version of younger Ruben/older Niall where we’re still around episode four timeline-wise, and Ruben is in his early twenties. he never went to prison for what happened with Alby, but Niall’s life is still a mess in all the familiar ways. he’s closeted, he keeps looking for anonymous encounters and Ruben is still there in his life. Niall thinks he’s being discreet, but everyone knows exactly what he’s doing and of course Ruben knows too and it makes him furious. maybe he doesn’t even fully understand why, because it isn’t really about homophobia. maybe it’s because he doesn’t understand why Niall never sees him, why he keeps choosing strangers and never looks at what’s right in front of him. and Niall meanwhile spends most of his time trying very hard not to think about Ruben that way and failing miserably. so Ruben is jealous, and Niall hates himself, and neither of them can actually say any of it out loud. Niall’s self-loathing isn’t just about his internalized homophobia anymore it’s about the fact that all of those feelings keep leading back to Ruben and he hates himself for it because he’s supposed to be something else in Ruben’s life, something better. and maybe one night Ruben gets drunk and decides he’s done pretending none of this exists. maybe he starts following Niall to a parking lot, maybe he watches from a distance just to prove something to himself, or maybe one day he finally snaps and tries to join the party. and when Niall sees him he’s embarrassed and he’s furious. he drags Ruben away and genuinely cannot understand why he’s doing this. is this some kind of joke, some kind of punishment, because the possibility that it might mean something else is somehow even worse.

mentally here