the “soft ruben pallister” tag on AO3 is where i live tbh.

pronouns: she/her. asexual lesbian. age: 20’s. minors DNI. writing hurt/comfort is my bread and butter. my ask box is always open so feel free to bombard me with any questions or your thoughts!

ruben knows niall must be hiding something from him. still, after all these years. something consequential he can’t bear ruben knowing. and ruben can’t stand that. missing his bambi on top of that. so ruben puts a mushroom in niall’s tea when he comes over, and drags him into bed. keeping a trashcan nearby for whenever niall needs to vomit. ruben just holds him. sniffs him (he hasn’t smelled his bambi in so long he needs it like air). niall is pale as a sheet, sweating and shivering and a weak sack of limbs in ruben’s arms. but niall’s chest feels fuzzy and warm because ruben is holding him, playing with his hair, kissing the top of his head. ruben thinking niall is either asleep or so out of it by now he won’t remember ruben saying how much he’s missed him. how much he needs him.

“everyday, bambers, i wake up and my chest aches when you’re not there on the other side of the room. because you don’t need me anymore, do you?”

niall calming him down and having him sit and drink water while niall cleans up the broken dishes and then leads him to niall’s dorm bed to lie down. niall watching him settle down onto the bed, teary-eyed and looking so small when curling up against the wall, waiting for niall to join him. then he comes closer, hesitating and whimpering when tucking his face against niall’s chest. because if he doesn’t see niall’s face, talking about the abuse is less scary. telling niall he wishes his dad would have died instead of niall’s. telling niall he was scared that night his dad showed up outside niall’s window. that he was scared of his bambi being hurt by his father in the same way. that if his father came up the stairs, he would probably freeze up in fear and be unable to protect niall and that would be worse than himself being hurt by his father. because his bambi is pure—and that implication makes niall want to puke.

Niall showering with Ruben, letting Ruben sob into his neck or scream into a washcloth with Niall cleans his lower body, Niall and Ruben bathing together to get used to being naked in the water, Niall crouching outside the bath while Ruben curls up in the fetal position and Niall pours water over him and rubs his back

if you just heard the ugliest sob known to mankind in the distance, that was me sobbing my booty off. 😭 i have the same head canon about young ruben having bath trauma (how his dad would make him sit in a too-hot bath after the assaults when he was in a bad mood because it’s an extension of the punishment). definitely adding this to my ruben whump pile.

i love this question because it’s truly heartbreaking to think about. i think it could be either end of the spectrum, really.

he could have started being sexually abused when he was younger, before reaching physical maturity. (considering how he tells niall the only time he’s cried was when he was eight years old after his dad came home from the hospital and didn’t die from a heart attack). god—that makes me wanna sob. because he was truly just a boy and wouldn’t even know what was going on or that it wasn’t normal for a father to treat a son that way. especially when violence is involved.

on the other hand, he could have experienced his first instance of sexual abuse in the early stages of puberty. which i think would be especially heartbreaking if his father had suddenly started being gentle with him as a way to groom him and the first time he gets hard in his father’s lap, he doesn’t know what to think or do during the assault. because at first it’s gentle. almost loving. and he feels closer to his father. like he can be a good son in his father’s eyes. this is one of the rare moments his father doesn’t say cruel things to him. and instead treats him softly. and maybe ruben thinks every time will be as gentle as the first. until the day his father is in a terrible mood and takes all the anger out on ruben. that would leave him so conflicted.

or if his first sexual experience was violent and full of degradation, his father teasing him for being hard and holding him down when shoving a hand down his pants, and laughing when he came—his first ever climax—would be so scarring for him.

his dad standing outside the window and wanting to start over is such a common experience people with abusive fathers have. how the father feels guilt for having caused their child pain, and for their own selfish reasons, want to start over. pretend they can be a good parent because it’ll help them retain their self-image of themselves.

ruben probably experienced that so often throughout his childhood because his abuse was likely a cycle of confusion. feeling loved but then feeling fear and pain the next moment. witnessing his father rationalizing the abuse or downplaying what ruben himself must have felt or experienced. him telling ruben since he had never said no the first time and his body had responded to the stimulation that he must have wanted it. but ruben had only been a boy, stunned and in shock and unsure of what to do because his mind couldn’t process what was happening but his body realized it felt good. even though some part of himself knew there was something wrong with the situation.

ruben probably grew up being the center of his father’s world and when maura moved them out and when he went to the young offender’s center, he was probably missing his father so much because he had been conditioned to be dependent on him, to crave his attention and touch and praise. and when he gets to the center, maybe he experiences similar abuse there too. a man who stares too long at him and sneaks him pastries or even drugs. ruben not realizing he’s being groomed all over again. only that he feels special again. like he matters. like he isn’t a fuck-up.

he hears the man’s belt buckle clink to the floor. feels his pants and underwear get pulled down but can’t move or find his voice. he’s freezing up. because the last time he had tried to defend himself against his father he had thought he was about to die. getting punched. kicked. having his head shoved and held under bath water so hot his face felt like it was melting off. unable to breathe or properly scream as his father thrusted into him again. meaner than ever. he’s in that headspace when the man uses his body.

they’re in one of the utility closets and he can’t see in the dim light. he feels like he should be used to this by now, being roughly thrusted into and bitten and held down. this is all he’s good for. the only time people seem satisfied in his presence. and he tells himself he’ll get stronger. put on muscle and weight and no longer be some weak, skinny twig who can’t shove a nasty man away.

ruben feeling so caught off guard when niall asks him what his first time was like. because does niall mean the first time he came or the first time someone touched him? they happened at the same time. in the same half hour. on his childhood couch during a movie night, after maura slipped off to bed. for that reason, he can’t watch peter pan anymore.

because that’s the night his father’s palm pressed against the crotch of his pajama pants and started rubbing. making his breath catch. making his chest stutter out some tiny sound. made his hips lift into the warmth and pressure. made his groin twitch and stiffen in some scary, unfamiliar way. made him ache and ache and ache. made him feel dirty and wet like he was to pee himself. made him beg and whine until he barely registered his father’s hand sneaking past the waistband of his pajama bottoms and underwear. but then his father was touching him. holding him in a too-big hand, and he couldn’t breathe past the pleasure. the instinct to move and do what felt good. whimpering through clumsy thrusts. crying out when his father’s hand started moving faster and his father’s lips kept brushing his temple. his ear. his tear-slick cheek. his hair. and his father kept praising. calling him soft names. good boy. pretty. for letting his father help him. being told fathers help their sons. being told he could come to his father when he felt achey between his legs again.

and the first time ruben does, maura is out of town for work, and it’s raining midafternoon. the power is out and he’s a little chilly. he woke up from a nap. a dream about the time his father touched him on the couch. three weeks ago. maybe. he can’t remember how long it’s been. but he’s feeling that terrible ache and goes to his father’s room. his father’s been drinking and he feels his tummy sink when his father’s eyes settle between his legs. staring at the small strain against the cloth he cannot yet name. he realizes this was a mistake the moment he’s lifted into the bed because his father usually gets angry and mean when drunk. but he remembers the first time on the couch and tells himself his father will be just as kind this second time. make him feel loved and adored and special. he doesn’t expect the rough undressing or his father holding him down or his father’s big finger twisting itself inside him. too dry. too mean. too many fingers now. two or three, he can’t tell. all he knows is it’s agonizing. feeling like he’s being split apart. the pillowcase is damp beneath his cheeks. and he’s being scolded for being loud. sobbing. shaking. squirming when trying to get away. a pathetic wee cunt—that’s what his father calls him this time. not good boy. not pretty.

he realizes he doesn’t want this anymore. he doesn’t—but then his father’s fingers find some place inside him that stirs beneath the prodding. pressure that turns relentless. making him feel like he’s burning up and shaking apart all at once. jolting and barely breathing each time the cruel fingers press there. harsh and fast and too mean to feel good. but his own small hands are clutching the pillow and holding on for dear life and his hips are thrusting against the mattress and he’s leaking. making such a mess. throbbing. untouched between his legs and needing pressure there. all he has are the bedsheets. his parents’ bedsheets that he’s ruining. because he’s feeling that closeness again. like he’s about to rupture. like he can’t stop moving or sobbing or needing his father in this way. the second time he ever climaxes leaves him feeling filthy. unloved. an ugly little creature shoved onto the floor afterwards. ordered to clean himself up. and wash and change the sheets and pillowcases on his parents’s bed because he’s disgusting. smearing his tears and snot and sickness and drool all over their bed. the place where they sleep. his ears ring with his father’s words. that he’s sick for having found pleasure in it. he wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. it was punishment. for leaving dirty dishes in the sink last night.

after that day, he never sneaks downstairs in the middle of the night to eat a bowl of ice cream or cereal ever again. if he ever gets hungry throughout the night or early morning, he just lays in bed until he hears his mother tinkering around in the kitchen to make breakfast.

niall wanting to surprise ruben with an invite to grab dinner a few nights before the trial because he knows ruben misses him and he misses ruben too. it’s their last chance to be brothers together before the stressful day. niall gets to ruben’s apartment and notices the front door is unlocked and he steps inside. the first thing he hears is ruben’s voice—straining, high and breathless. choking out whimpers and moans. niall’s cheeks heat up and he almost bolts because there’s lewd sounds coming from the kitchen. he almost leaves but then he hears ruben sob out an unexpected word.

“daddy.” frantic. scared. small. he’s about to come.

hello this is the most precious thing ever ohmygod!! one morning on the weekend, niall returns from the bathroom and is hit with the sight of soft-boy ruben in bed curled up on his side, fast asleep and snoring, with his thumb in his mouth.

niall’s heart melting because ruben should not be allowed to look that soft and sweet.

ohmygod just had a lightbulb moment and need to ramble (sorry in advance if it gets long lol). okay, let me set the scene:

aaahhh tysm!! i’m enjoying having these discussions about agere ruben!! it’s a concept i wanted to explore since episode 3. so for anyone reading this, feel free to keep sending in asks!! i love regressor ruben so much and can’t wait to finish up my 1x03 oneshot. i’m having writer’s block with it though so i might have to rewrite the whole thing.