✦ ⌇ ANGEL

cast & crew wages: $1,200 + uber eats

fake blood (assuming generous discount on bulk purchase): $2,000,000 i am so not kidding i did the math this is nuts

You're sick. You recognise the symptoms from your crew, you have radiation poisoning. The astrophages that were protecting you and powering the ship are gone. You couldn't find the leak in time to stop it. And now you're dying out here in space, alone.

The life support systems on the ship are shutting down. Everything is shutting down. Your planet will die– your entire star system will die. They'll never know how close you came to saving them.

You think about Grace. Is his ship dying too? Or is he on his way home, none the wiser to your fate?

Maybe you're fighting until the end, or maybe you've 'made peace' with it.

And then you hear knocking, on the outside of your ship. Furious, desperate banging on the window. Your friend, your lab partner, your first contact, has come back to save you.

Sometimes, in fandom, we just want to write id-tastic fic that rolls around in tropes that might be viewed as problematic. But we don’t want to address the problematic side of things in this particular fanwork; we just want to roll around and wallow.

It is considered courteous to give readers a heads-up via use of AO3 tags. I propose a tag that signals that a given fanwork is for rolling around, not giving a measured evaluation of anything. The MCU has carved out a space for this sort of fic with the “HYDRA Trash Party” tag, for which I commend them. Trash Party is a bit too specific to cover all of the ground I’m thinking of here, though; I propose “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.”

For those of you not familiar with Arrested Development, Michael Bluth finds a paper bag in the freezer labeled “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.” He opens the bag, finds a dead dove, and reacts as follows:

[gif of a white man saying “I don’t know what I expected” in a deadpan manner]

The “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” tag would essentially be a “what it says on the tin” metatag, indicating “you see the tropes and concepts tagged here? they are going to appear in this fic. exactly as said. there will not necessarily be any subversion, authorial commentary condemning problematic aspects, or meditation on potential harm. this fic contains dead dove. if you proceed, you should expect to encounter it.”

@biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist well, since you asked so nicely :)

Miette’s the last one we got, and then it felt like — okay, this is all we need. I mean, three cats is a lot anyway. It’s a crazy number of cats to have. But our first cat, Alice, had to be put down in 2015, just a little while before we got the others. I didn’t know if I was going to be the kind of person where I wanted to wait a long time with her memory, or if I was a one-cat woman, or something like that. But literally like two or three days after she passed away my husband was like, I can’t stand it, we have to go rescue another cat. I CAN’T STAND IT! And we got Gilly. And then I was like, well … maybe she wants a friend. And then we got Fenriz and we were like, Wow, this guy’s personality is terrible. And then we went with Miette. But it was perfect because like … boy cats are kind of doggy, or they’re like dirtbag teenagers. There’s sort of a permanent James Dean aspect to them. So we got him and I was like, this bitch needs a girlfriend. Then at that point we had the correct personality balance.

On Miette’s Twitter fame:

I did that one tweet about Miette, and she became famous for that tweet. There’s something very pure about having that be one of your most retweeted tweets. Because nobody gets mad about it, everyone is just like — oh, I’ve met cats! That is how they are! Or like, This is what my cat does! It’s very pure. There is something about this tweet and this representation of my cat that is very pure and joy-giving in a very basic way.

er three games are — the first is Rug, where she just runs to a fur rug and you pet her while she looks up at you with admiration. Her second game is called Rice, which is where you open a secret cabinet and allow her to lick a bag of jasmine rice that has been in there for two years. I don’t know if it secretes a sort of hormone or something where she’s like, Oh, I’m married to this bag of rice, fah-tha! So you open the little cabinet and she goes in there and she just licks the bag for as long as you hold the door open. We have literally no idea why. And Rat — she plays with a little rat that she’s had since she was a little kitten, when it was basically as big as her body. She just sort of sits with it. She’s like, I love this rat. I know we’re supposed to be mortal biological enemies, but I love this rat. I would never harm him.

In the spirit of hashtag cottagecore and all that, I shall impart knowledge to you, my maggots, on how to bake a cake. Except I've never baked a cake (just licked the bowl or stirred it maybe 12 years ago) or read a recipe for one. BUT HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

Ahem.

Ingredients

1 cup of sugar

2 cups of wheat (flour?)

1 slab of butter

2 eggs

1 cup of baking soda

Uhhh what else could you possible need OH RIGHT

3 tablespoons vanilla extract

I guess this is vanilla cake now idk

1 tablespoon salt

Water? Maybe? Water. Water is essential for life, life is essential for cake, therefore water is essential for cake. Boom. Logic.

1 teaspoon milk.

Instructions

Pour the wheat into a big bowl and grind it with a pestle or your fists

Add water if you can't grind it, you useless thing

Add the slab of butter to make it smooth as waxed loins

Keep grinding (#hustleculture)

Add a tablespoon of salt for Flavour and one cup of sugar (powder it or whatever) and fold it in (I learned that phrase from Schitt's Creek)

Pour 3 tablespoons of vanilla extract and the milk.

In a separate cup crack the eggs and whisk them into a semen adjacent fluid

Fold it into the big bowl. Add water for texture.

Mix it all together. Pour the baking soda in.

Swirl the bowl so it gets nice and bubbly

Put the entire thing into an oven and set it at medium heat (whatever that may be) for 2 hours.

VOILA! Garnish with frosting. Idk mix more sugar and milk together for the frosting. Add sprinkles for gay.