uncle randy’s gardening club

no, hear me out

It is possible, that Shane's anxiety about telling people about Ilya in TLG (in contrast with the ending of HR) is (at least partly) rooted in the fact that

He felt safe about telling Hayden about Ilya, because Hayden is his bestie, he could be the ally he needed to tell everyone else

And Hayden decided to be a bitch

And continued to be a bitch

Like, hating your bestie's boyfriend is classic, but

@apageinthisbook has some excellent fics that explore this concept!

this is why we can't have nice things - after Hayden punches Ilya (again), Shane puts his foot down and starts distancing himself. He tells Hayden to forget he knows about his relationship. Without Hayden’s toxicity and monopolising friendship, Shane starts to open up to others, all of whom are far more accepting of his relationship than Hayden ever was.

pull your knife out of my back - a Hayden bashing fic where Hayden is deliberately attempting to out Shane and Ilya on the assumption that Ilya will leave when it’s no longer a secret/things get tough. Shane is heartbroken and furious when a concerned fan reaches out to Ilya privately after receiving a video and reveals Hayden’s betrayal, and starts to put together a legal case against his fake friend. In the process, he examines how much energy he’s spent placating Hayden out of fear of Hayden using his secret against him, and opens up to others who genuinely support him and Ilya.

bandaids don't fix bullet holes - Cliff sees the fanmail video before it truly goes viral, and drives to Ottawa in the middle of the night to warn Roz and his Jane. Cliff’s unwavering support is a revelation to Shane, who is so used to everyone who finds out about his relationship questioning it.

Then there’s realizations and answers by fearsparks - in the wake of the outing, JJ reexamines everything he’s seen over the years and realises that Hayden poisoned Shane away from telling anyone about his relationship, and that he owes Shane an apology for his initial reaction.

Just a paragraph of Ilya describing, in detail, what he’s going to do to a Shane once he gets back from the grocery store and the only response is Shane typing back. Do we need more strawberries? I can’t remember if we finished them.

everyone always seems so surprised when shane is funny or makes a joke, and i don't think it's meant to be mean, but like? yeah shane is funny. he's always been funny. he's picky about his audience (because he has his image to think about and also because he's just naturally reserved), but he is snarky and quick with it. you know who has ALWAYS found him funny, though?

and on ilya's part, he chirps partially (i think) strategically to have the other team playing annoyed because that's not going to have them on their a-game, but also?? it's for fun. he is puppy nipping and going "play??? play back??? play??" and with almost everyone (because of the reputation he's been branded under), the response he gets is fuck off and a refusal to engage, like we saw with scott hunter. you know who's always understood that this is supposed to be for fun, though?

like the way he asked "what is nur-ate-iv?" makes me think man TRULY was not catching all of the words getting tossed at him so fast the second his eyes were even a LITTLE open. like he wasn't asking "what story did you come up with?" he's asking "what word are you even saying to me right now?" man got like 0.2 seconds to be like "oh i'm awake now?" before he was getting PELTED with english because shane had a forty step plan that couldn't wait like. three more hours.

in my heart, shane sleeps like a ROCK and is also non-functional if his sleep schedule is disrupted

either ilya is completely mia because he went to lay down with whatever kiddo came to get him and then fell asleep in their bed without meaning to, or shane wakes up to little feet pushing into his kidney or a little fist tucked under his arm or a kiddo sprawled sideways over him AND ilya in a way that canNOT be comfortable

@zouisalmightie

and instead man is AGGRESSIVELY faithful

unhand him ✋ he is MARRIED ✋ (they are literally just trying to take his vitals) hands OFF!! his husband is gorgeous and will NOT appreciate this!!! (he says this to *shane* who is trying to help him back into actual clothes)

Shane who expected distance being suddenly inundated with thirsty booty calls like it’s 2012, and he knows Russia isn’t safe to be doing this but it’s Ilya asking and he knows it best so…

Cut to the creation of what goes down in Olympic village history as the raunchiest sexcapade to terrorize those paper thin halls for that entire two weeks. It’s Vegas style sucking and fucking putting the standard village fuckfest to shame, shaking walls and breaking countless cardboard beds as they commandeer every spare living space, utility closet, and storage room

Like, Shane’s still not one to drink often, but they’re at a banquet or gala or whatever so mentally he’s decided he Has to, and the pressure to perform is kinda high so there’s a glass or two on top of when he should’ve called it quits, and now he can definitely feel himself at the far end of tipsy. It’s fine, he’s not at the point of being sloppy but his tongue is a lot looser than he’s comfortable with, so in comes his genius solution: no words.

Can’t embarrass himself if he’s silent. And really, more people were talking at him than with his so who really cares?

Ilya. Ilya cares. A whole lot. Shane is visibly rocking back and forth but now won’t answer if he’s okay or how he’s feeling or if he wants to go home. He’s nodding and smiling at people walking past but those flushed lips are Sealed. Not a peep! And it gets to the point of Ilya mentally running through every sudden onset neurological disorder he can think of while Shane revels in his successful plan that now has the added bonus of getting Ilya to stay right in front of him for the rest of the night :)