fashioning stars & moonlight into words

First, I am heartbroken. At the same time I feel healed and nurtured. I'm supposed to be sad, its over, but I also know the story has a continuation I'm not allowed to experience. It pisses me off, but I can't find the strength to be mad either.

The characters... Fuck these characters. They were all so multi-layered and fucking relatable, all of them, in different aspects.

Honestly I just added the book to my TBR because I liked the title. I found it in a site around 10 months ago and it said it was signed by the author. I had no idea who M.L.Rio(I thought she was a man) was, but there was something in this book that just drew me in so I purchased and ordered it. It came. I was enamored with it, but being my slumpish bibliophile self, I just put it in a center place of my bookshelf, not quite ready to read it yet. Almost a month before now, I struggled to pick books for my summer vacation and without so much as a passing thought, I grabbed IWWV and realized what I had done, when I was already on my vacation. I started it two days ago and finished it no more than 20 minutes ago. Brilliant. Fed my dark academia obsession to fulfilment. Fed my heart and my brain with the gruesome images and portrayals of human nature. Helped me recover from my book hangover after The Captive Prince Trilogy.

The funny thing is it's not quite the same as emotional intensity as what a reader might get from another good book. There's some lingering feeling of both disappointment and anger rather than joy of fulfillment. It ended both happily and tragically. The characters all suffered in their own way, some overcame it, other were still in the process of it by the time one reaches the epilogue and others... Well, they might suffer until the end of their lives. Oh, who am I lying to? They were all fucked up. Will die fucked up. That's the truth of it and I am trying to soften it, but I can't.

Spoilers from down here, read at your own risk

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Let's start with Richard:

GODS, I HATED HIM SO MUCH. But he was endearing. Endearing in some twisted freakish way. He was a narcissist to the core, openly boasting about himself as if he needed to showcase his power even though everyone knew just how talented and beautiful he was. He is one of those characters you hate to love. His death felt deserved, it was the only way to soothe his aggression towards everyone. He was... A lot to take. Not only he intimidated the space of the book, but also the mind of the reader. He might have been the antagonist of some sort but I caught myself (back when he was still alive) wondering "Where is Richard?" whenever the group assembled. Whether we as readers liked it or not, Richard was important. Not as much as he himself thought he was, but he was indeed an indispensable part of the narration, of the school, of the gang. Him constantly appearing as a ghost through the eyes of Oliver after his real death, much like his role in Caesar was a magnificent parallel. Even in death he will forever haunt them, remind them what they didn't do and how much to blame they are for everything that happened as much as he is. Still, can't figure out if he is the tragic hero or tragic villain in the story. Before his death I would have said the latter, but as the book progresses, I fail to commit to one definition of Richard and I think its best if I never do, actually. I would rather see him as the dictator, gotten drunk on his own power and fallen off the pedestal he had single-handedly built for himself. I can go on for days. The one that died first turned out to have much deeper significance than what I had anticipated.

Oliver:

Such. A. Sweetheart.

So cute, so kind, so thoughtful, so naive, so confused and...

So so so fucked up.

I had a moment during reading when I thought he was the villain all along and that there would be a major plot twist, saying he rightfully took the blame and had decieved the readers with his thorough retelling of the story. But, no. He started being and ended being the sweetest of them all.

The only thing that pissed me off was him (and James for that matter) being so queer for each other and never acknowledging it (until the end of the book that is) From the first scene with them together, I knew. You would have to be blind not to know. It was obvious. And yet they didn't admit it, didn't want to. Not for some "OH, shit I'm gay but I want to be straight" reason, no. I'm sure they were both afraid to lose each other if they so much as admitted what they felt. I hope that they both enjoy that lost time now. They deserve it.

Meredith:

It's safe to say I hated her more than Richard but I also loved her more than him. She was right to want him dead, they all were, but she was the one that was in a relationship with this major aggressor.

She is so insecure, so smashed by all that attention she got throughout the whole book. There was a moment where I wondered if she would kill herself, but she's a tough bitch and I respect that in her.

She deserved better than this. Both as a person and as an actress.

I didn't like her most of the time. How she clung to Richard and then how she clung to Oliver and every other boy between that. She treated herself as a rag and wondered why everyone else were doing the same. She blamed it on the fact, she was treated like that from the start, but she let it be that way. Had she not been so insecure of her talent and self things would have turned out differently, I suppose.

Philippa/Pip:

A QUEEN.

She's me and I am she in terms of friendship. She's always there, always ready to help, always ready for everything, even murder.

Pip is also honest, unapologetically real.

I have not much to say about her as I am fully convinced that she, Oliver and James were my favorite characters and when a favorite character is in the equation my brain is like "Nope, just scream it out, they'll understand so-"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKSKSNDNENDNDNDNDJDJDJDNENBEBDJDJDJDKJEND

I would have liked her to be more goal-oriented and determined to get what she deserved, but I suppose the plot wouldn't have developed the way it did.

Her and Camilo. Muah. Chef's Kiss. Didn't expect it, but I should have from the moment I read she called him Milo.

Wren:

Well, I don't have much to say about her except that she was sweet as fuck and the whole book fucked up a perfectly acceptable Tinkerbell character and made her broken puff of feathers and spilled ink. A waste of potential, in some ways. She's the typical gentle character that couldn't take the pressure of, anything, now that I think about it.

I liked her, but not quite. She was lovable but too innocent and good for me. She got fucked up by all those prematurely fucked up characters and she deserved better.

Alexander:

A mood. Hands down the biggest mood in the whole book. Save for the drug overdose he was an absolute icon, slaying through the plot like no other. I waited patiently for all of his appearances and none disappointed. He may think that Caesar was what fucked them up but I don't think so. As Philippa said, they were all more or less fucked up before Dellecher.

I was sad not to find out how it went between him and Collin because the boy did seem to care for him even though, Alexander didn't appear to think much further than sex 90% of the time. Such a diva.

James:

Now, now. He's my boy. No touchy touchy.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

A brilliant ice cube melting and becoming a blue fire on the stage. That's what he is. He felt double natured. He felt like the sparrow. There was this idea of him being unapproachable and distant even when he was with his friends. That's what made him so well suited for Oliver, because Oliver just KNEW him. He just knew that underneath this cold beautiful exterior lay a sweet boy who just wanted to do what he loved and he wanted to be the best in it,but his life got fucked up enough for him to break completely.

No one actually managed to underatand him except Oliver and Philippa. This is partly why those two are in my top 3. They knew James. Oliver knew him because he loved him and Philippa straight up knew every single one of them, how they operated and how they felt but she didn't think it was her place to say or meddle.

James didn't love Wren. I believed it for a couple of chapters but it just didn't add up. He loved her like a sister but pretend to love her as something more just because he wanted to escape the thoughts of Oliver.

I knew he was the one that hurt (he didn't kill him, they all did) Richard. The way he panicked and wanted to help when he saw Richard moving and how desperate he was to help. Because he was sorry and because he was terrified. I saw him for the real person he was at that moment. I saw the gears twisting and turning in his head as he was always thinking.

He's alive. That's what I like to believe. I'd like to also believe that he and Oliver got together at last when Oliver found him or if not, I'd be happy to just know that James is alive and well.

This book is a major 10/10 for me. I'm still not over the fact that it's over, I haven't processed it. I don't feel empty, but I feel spent and more accepting of what's to come. Let be.

What kind of measurements do you use most often? Kilometres or miles? Centimetres or inches?

What are typical UK foods that the Internet doesn’t talk enough about? I’m pretty sure native dishes are more than the Shepherd’s pie and Fish&Chips.

Typical English comfort foods? Your favourite comfort foods?

Speaking about childhood favourites - what games did you play with your friends when going out ?

Tell me what kind of urban legends scared or intrigued you the most while growing up?

Famous ghost stories? When I was young it was the boom of Queen of Spades and Samara Morgan. What were you scared with & from?

Do parents in the UK “expect” certain career paths from their children ? To be more specific - what kind of quirk do UK parents have? Think of it like the expectation for perfection from Asian parents.

UK quirks someone NOT from UK should know about?

Loud loud laugh. The type of laugh to make you go under the table. Happens roughly 2-3 times a day.

Shouting for no apparent reason.

Zoomies, yes, zoomies around the house.

Zoomies in talking - The point is to get it out fast and furious and go on with the day. Spoiler alert: 80% of the time I have to repeat myself, because people didn't understand my point delivered in Eminem speed. I'm fine, we're fine, it's fine.

Constantly forgetting people don't have the ability to understand with just one, maximum three words. Exception: INTX

Hating to be late and arriving early. Completing several tasks while waiting.

Having absolutely no tolerance on people who are late. Holding a grudge about it. Waiting for the day to just leave so the other person learns from it.

Abrupt style changes that shock people - going from casual business to grunge fairycore, not realising that people get confused with the vibe.

ENTJ procrastination is a thing - it's just procrastinating by doing other smaller tasks instead of doing the big looming one.

Being confident all the time except in a specific moment in which it's required to.

Ordering food at McDonald's because your extroverted friends were "too shy" to.

Waiting for those same friends to say "hi" to the entire planet while you try to look confident, pretty and approachable.

Being invited in the conversation in the span of one minute and hitting it off for the next 10 minutes.

Walking fast.

The boulevard is the runway and y'all are just peasants interrupting the strut.

Making detailed plans about being a successful company owner in 10 years, but forgetting to take in the sheets the next day. Short-term goals - a strong point, if forced. Day to day to-do list - not a strong point at all, unless written down (most of the time confident enough to remember our own tasks) (most of the time we forget to do several of them, or postpone them to shove three more that we planned to do after two weeks, but oh well, an opportunity arose - extremely specific, might not apply)

Patience. Monstruos amounts of it. Miranda Priestly was just fed up after so many years in the industry and I can see why.

Pet peeves are inefficiency and people who repeat the same mistake over three times, after it was explained to them by multiple people.

Strong opinions. Controversy. How are y'all dealing with Cruella (Emma Stone) and Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) mix, type of person? Genuinely curious. Not asking for a friend.

As for the ENTJ men reading this - do you have like a list or diagram, with all the people that manage to keep up with your Stewie Griffin (South Park) , Kaz Brekker (Six of Crows) tendency to "invest" and Thranduil(The Hobbit/LOTR) type of beauty and pride, and how long is it? Again, genuinely curious.

Wrote the origins of criticism and invented self-criticism in the process, because emotional liability got invented roughly around the same time and apparently it was "too much" *side glances INFPs*

Crying only out of helplessness (not if you can help it, ofc) and anger.

Fan of stupid puns (extremely evident)

Might unintentionally ghost people or leave them on seen, because they messaged you while your brains were working overtime (happens too often)

Caffeine doesn't work, but it's a ritual of pleasure, not to be missed, unless the day is bound to finish in prison. Same could be said if you take tea instead of coffee.

Relaxing by watching documentaries about successful people.

De-stressing by drinking wine with that one close friend that you see once a month due to busy schedules and talking about life.

That close friend also happens to be the closest one to IxxJ type and thoroughly listens while we explain the nature of emotions and why we think that the normal emotion we felt is a terminal illness.

Flirting is a way of surviving not a way of life. Take it as you wish.

Inspecting and dissecting your crushes so you know what you're dealing with. Most of the time we "un-crush" them with a snap of our fingers.

Sometimes we "just go with it" and end in a semi-casual situationship.

When they tell you we are confident and undisturbed by flirting, they're probably lying or not competent enough about speaking on real (not psychology explained) life. We do. It's just not obvious. INTJs, INTPs and ENFJs might not agree, because they somehow just know.

Getting hurt over minimal details people mentions about us throughout a conversation but being unaffected by "the big ones".

Which is hilarious because we're major "big picture" people - details are the things we see last. Sometimes, we don't even bother to inspect them.

ENTJ: Ah, ah, okay, bye-

Other people: No, wait! There's-

ENTJ: I pretty much got it, bye-

P.S. "Pretty much go it." or "I'm gonna wing it.", but make it organised, are probably catch phrases by now. No matter what people tell you that's a major trait of XXXJ people.