wait when did that happen

Me: You questioned this more than I thought about it

So I was passing out some kazoos to a few people who wanted them

You know those friends you can't leave alone because they'll probably do something stupid and die?

I can spell aesthetic, but I can't spell shuger

"I asked [my daughters] to just throw my body in a dumpster but that's illegal."

Watermelon Rind is like Starburst Wrappers.

Yesterday, I kinda just forgot babies exist. I just, didn't remember that humans do that.

Sprinkles glitter in hair

This is the bees knees

I love my friends. I can just say something like "I AM THE TOAST MASTER!!!" And I'll get "ALL HAIL" as a response.

"If you save something until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do"

*to the tune of hairspray*

Today someone called me elegant.

No. I'm not going to do that. That would take