academic weapon turned burntout ff reader

because i feel like the "jumping into a pool for an adult to catch you" is a game you only play with like. A Trusted Known Family Friend Adult. so i feel like ilya tragically doesn't have the background to understand that heeding the "uncle ilya! catch me!" one time means that is now. how his day is going to go. there are four of them and they are lining up to take turns. ilya does NOT get a break. he is catching kids and then moving them back to climb back out and then getting ready to catch the next one.

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

Do you know one of the easiest way to build bonds with people? Ask them questions about themselves. We joke about Shane's thousands of question to Ilya, but that only fails with Ilya because Shane is unwittingly touching so many pain points. Hayden and J.J. would eat up with a spoon. This generational player wants to know more about them? He's interested in J.J.'s restaurant hobby and Hayden's children? He dryly funny and fantastic at the game you all love? Fucking sold.

Hayden is so excited (tv show here) to get Shane over to his house. He calls Shane to update him about the baby and wants Shane to come with him and the kids to the aquarium. Shane joins family dinners with ease and holds a baby like he does fairly regularly. They're not just co-workers who are kind of friendly. They're genuine friends.

When J.J. sees the X-Squad people, he doesn't hoard the experience, he calls Shane who he must know likes the movies and invites him to come along immediately.

They like Shane a lot! They hype him up and get excited for him when they think he's getting laid. When Hayden figures out Shane is uncomfortable he even re-calibrates the joke (if poorly) to "Get laid weirdo, or NOT, I don't care". Trying to tell Shane as best he can that he knows it's none of his business and he just wants Shane to go have a good time.

The ways that Shane can be awkward don't seem to phase them. When Shane doesn't respond to J.J.'s 'I'll fuck him for you' moment fast enough, Hayden even steps in to turn it around J.J. and draw attention away from Shane. J.J.'s intention in that moment is to tell Shane he has his back anyway. He has no clue how it comes across. Shane is his teammate and friend and if Rozanov is an asshole to him, J.J. will square up, not to worry.

“This is an intervention,” Wyatt Hayes said carefully as Ilya and Shane entered the locker room, shocked by what they saw.

Every single player of the Centaurs, plus several of the other people who worked for the team, was huddled in the space, circled around, evidently waiting for their arrival.

Shane blinked, while Ilya balked. “What, is way you all tell us you are making Hollander new captain?” Ilya joked, but his mouth twisted in a nervous line.

“No. Just…sit, Roz. Hollsy,” Zane Boodram ordered seriously. 

Shane and Ilya sat, exchanging glances.

All eyes turned to Harris, who looked a bit annoyed to have been put in the position of spokesperson, but who stood up nevertheless. “Now,” he said, giving the two men in the spotlight an apologetic smile. “As you all know, it’s, um…tradition, to uh, abstain during the playoffs–”

“We have been!” Shane snapped, feeling anger well up inside him. They hadn’t fucked in two weeks and it’d been the longest two weeks of his life.

“Has been awful, trust me!” Ilya agreed, throwing his hands in the air. “I sleep on couch to avoid balls being completely blue!”

“Yes, yes, we know,” Harris said gently, grimacing a little as many of the people around them nodded in understanding. “That’s, uh, the thing. Many of us were thinking…” he trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

“Thinking what? Spit it out, we have game to play!” Ilya demanded, more on-edge than usual. There’d been a close call when getting ready earlier when Shane’d walked into the bathroom while Ilya was showering. They’d been this close to fucking against the tile, abstinence be damned. 

“That!” Troy Barrett yelled out. “You two’ve been assholes since we started this! You argue even more than usual and we haven’t won a single game! It’s like all our luck’s trapped in your stupid, hard, untouched dicks!”

Shane felt himself blush as Ilya froze, a small smirk on his face.

But Troy wasn’t wrong. He knew they’d been absolutely insufferable.

The people in the locker room murmured in agreement, and Shane looked around, seeing all of them nodding rather grimly. “So, wait,” he said, trying not to die of embarrassment. “You all gathered here to…tell us to have sex?”

“Like, before the game tonight if possible, yeah,” Dykstra confirmed, nodding like this was a perfectly normal ask.

But before Shane could comment on the ridiculousness of the situation, Ilya let out a long, dramatic, relieved sigh.

“Well. If I must,” he grinned, winding his arm around Shane’s waist and leading him slowly towards the door. “I mean, you know, I am team player. Anything to make sure we win tonight. Is big sacrifice, but–”

“Ilya, shut up.”

“Is one I will make. If you will just give Hollander and I maybe five minutes in closest closet. Or showers, maybe. Or even car, I am not picky,” he continued, his smile lewd and thrilled.

Most of the guys groaned and began throwing towels at Ilya.  

ilya tries to be cutesy and tell shane it's okay if he won't show him his lovely smile today because he'd love him even if he was a worm and shane just

"you think i'm a fucking worm?"

"no, i am saying if you WERE worm, i would still love you"

"why would i be a worm?"

"i don't fucking know. magic or something."

"magic made a worm? that's shitty magic. and what do you mean you would still love me? you can't fuck a worm."

"no, i wouldn't fuck you as worm. i would just-"

"so what? you'd keep me in like? a fucking bowl? and then go off and fuck other people who aren't worms?"

"...no, no, i'm saying-"

"do you even know how to take care of a worm? you've killed every single plant that my dad's given us. you'd kill me in like. 48 hours."

Shane on his knees. Shane on his hands and knees. Shane and him fucking in front a fireplace with Shane riding him slowly while they’re sat up chest to chest, real romantic shit. Shane’s mouth open and plush. Shane begging for it. Shane crying for it. Shane saying his name. Shane saying goodbye. Shane saying hi. Shane’s eyes and his neck and his baby rabbit soft ears and his strong forearms. The bend of his elbow. Taking Shane to some stupid resort in the Bahamas or something where they would just lie in a private cabin in the middle of the ocean and hold hands and sunbathe and have cocktails appear in their hands. Where Shane would let him have him on every surface. He thought about Shane’s eyes and his eyebrows and the space between his eyebrows that would crinkle when Ilya said something to rouse him on purpose. The way Shane said what. The way he said what do you mean. All earnest like all honest and vulnerable. The way Shane could look at him in a way that made Ilya feel like he was being pierced through the skin. He wanted to lie awake and watch Shane sleep and whisper just loudly enough that it was heard by the world. I would die for you I would die for you I would I would. Shane holding a baby. Shane’s trim waist roped with muscle, Ilya’s big hand wrapped around it. Mine, mine, mine. Shane’s shoulders and back, rippling through water. Shane drinking a glass of water. Shane drinking a glass of beer. Shane wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Shane’s pinched brow. Making out with Shane open mouthed. Fucking Shane up against a wall. In fact, every surface became a place he could fuck Shane. Every song became about Shane. Every conversation thread had by other people something he could spin into Shane.

It got so bad he simply had to talk to someone about it. Luckily Marley had just met some new chick of the month as well and it was easy to transpose Shane onto some nebulous type girl. They weren’t super sharey in general so he kind of got away with being unspecific, never saying a name. Just any excuse to talk about him. They traded lovesick comments between them like tween girls and sexual fantasies like perverse men. He never said the truly damning shit out loud though. It was just a pressure release. A way to keep from exploding, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.

Ilya imagined taking Shane into his arms rough and ready in the doorway and saying I missed you. Did you miss me? And Shane admitting I missed you and Ilya would get to smirk into Shane’s smiling mouth and Shane would be overcome with it and kiss him like he was air. Shane in shorts. Shane in briefs. Shane in a jock. Shane completely naked in his bed. Waking up to find Shane naked in his bed. Returning from a shower to find Shane naked in his bed. Returning from practice to find Shane naked in his bed. All dark hair and sweet eyes, sheets tangled around his limbs and hands grabbing at nothing, grabbing for Ilya. Shane and him touching chest to chest with nothing in between. Shane holding him under the covers. Shane complaining that the carrots are overcooked. Or the glass isn’t clean enough. Or the fabrics not organic.

Everytime he stopped at a red light while driving he imagined Shane sliding into the passenger seat, smiling and saying “Hi” shyly before throwing himself over Ilya, Shane’s lips all over his face and neck, hands running like water, and Ilya would chuckle and say “Okay easy. Easy now” which was ridiculous because it was Ilya’s fantasy and so he was the one making Shane act like this. And he would say “I missed you, did you miss me?” and Shane would murmur “Well, obviously” and Ilya would feel like a fucking lottery winner for affecting the man who can’t be moved, for making him admit to his being moved. Shane wearing his hat backwards. Shane blushing from the bridge of his nose to his belly button. Shane folded in half gasping and moaning into Ilya’s mouth. Shane across from him at a cafe or a restaurant or in the seat next to him at a bar. He would know exactly what to order for Shane, for Shane to roll his eyes and then say thank you and Ilya would say show me how thankful you are and Shane would roll his eyes and kiss him even though there were people around.

All things absurd and mundane. But if you asked him, even to himself, he would’ve responded he spent minimal amounts of time thinking about Hollander.

Arthur who doesn't like loud noises, is moving with his tiny palms covering his ears as the TV blasts either a game or some Disney movie ruby has picked

Arthur who prefers staying indoors and playing with his Legos while his sisters chase after Anya in the backyard

Arthur who really doesnt like it when the food on his plate touch each other

Arthur who has a blinky thats almost chewed up but throws a fit if jackie tries to wean him off it.

Arthur who likes the buzz lightyear puzzle that shane and ilya gift him so much that he wants to do it every night

Arthur who loves his crocodile stuffy? Toy? , Chompy and cries everytime jackie puts it in the washing machine

Arthur who is sensitive to light but is also sacred of the dark cause his sisters have told him that monsters come out during bedtime

Ilya is the only other person apart from Jackie who is capable of bringing him from a meltdown

Ilya who brings him toys and puzzles which don't trigger his sensory issues

Ilya who loudly announces during the BBQs the pikes are throwing that all the adults are boring him and that he's gonna go and hang out with Arthur and build Legos spaceship with him. The relief on Arthur's face is visible from space.

Ilya who carries Arthur with such ease that people who don't know him believe that he might be the father of atleast 3 more babies

Ilya who can put little Arthur to sleep by rocking him back and forth with his beefy arms wrapped so delicately around the tiny little bundle of joy

Ilya who coos and softly sings russian rhymes to Arthur while he's in the bassinet

Ilya who crosses the threshold of the pike residence only to be tackled in the leg by Arthur who looks up at him with his big hazel eyes and 4 tiny baby teeth poking out of his gums and ilya swears he doesnt tear up when shane points it out

Ilya who is sure that his heart skips a beat the first time Arthur exclaims 'eh-yah!' While stretching his arms out with a big big smile on his face, waiting to be scooped up by ilya

Ilya who is the person Shane and Arthur sort of drape themselves on when things get too much and they need a breather

shane's Slutty Shorts™ that he uses as a sex signal at home

shane and ilya KILL at charades. the cens play this together for the first time at a bbq and make the mistake of letting hollanov be partners and since then have never made the same mistake again. they can read each other's minds. ilya knows the answer based on the way shane's eyebrow moves up. shane sees ilya's right pinky twitch and knows the exact answer without ilya acting out anything

ilya is somehow locked into all the drama happening in the league and shane (although he will probably deny it) is such a sucker for the gossip. after league events (the awards/all stars), they spend at least an hour talking about all the tea that ilya's collected while doing their night routine or while lying in bed and shane eats it up

shane loves tracing ilya's moles on his back when they're lying in bed (he will also sometimes trace out hockey formations with them and gets called out by ilya immediately every time) (ilya loves it)

ilya sometimes hides the sunscreen during summers at the cottage cause he wants to see more freckles; shane, however, always finds it cause he doesn't play about sun care and "no i'm not risking getting skin cancer just cause you like my fucking freckles, ilya"

ilya's lockscreen on his phone is a rotating album of shane and anya pictures; shane's used to be one of the basic default ones, but he changes it to a picture of ilya holding puppy anya like a baby the second they get home after their meeting with crowell

shane is chronically offline (duh) but importantly, that means that he almost always falls for every single tiktok trend that ilya tries with him (the only times he doesn't is when rose sends them to him first)

shane doesn't really ever post insta stories (see above) besides sponsorships and occasionally reposting the centaurs account BUT every once in a while (namely, when ilya does a sexy ad), his jealousy pipes up enough that he'll post a picture of him and ilya. usually without their faces but always very clear that it's them because he likes making sure the internet knows that ilya is his

ilya sees a video of the classic college girl dorm polaroid wall once and decides they need one so now everyone who visits their ottawa home gets a polaroid on the wall. but ilya and shane take so many polaroids of each other randomly that it becomes more of a collage of them (because the whole "we can finally take and put pictures up of us together in the house we share" of it all)

He strikes me as the type of kid who really didn't give a single fuck. Not a one. He was doing his own thing and having fun and being good at it, and whether he had friends or not really wasn't a concern for him because it's not like he wanted to hang out with other gross stupid kids. He was a haughty nonchalant child who didn't even register any kind of bullying attempt from fucking Jimmy, bc who cares about Jimmy?

Any kind of feeling of inadequacy came after puberty when other kids started being slightly more interesting and complex and he became the younger kid on his teams instead of just one more of the lot. When hockey practice actually started to need some team synergy and the dynamics changed on him.

But before that, that kid wasn't shy, and he was having a wonderful time