academic weapon turned burntout ff reader

- Very fat, jiggly baby that makes Yuna look tiny when she holds them. Everyone who meets this baby comments on how huge they are. Ilya is constantly squeezing and kissing those rolls. Baby powder bill through the roof. Maximum giggles.

- Serious baby who is Always Watching with a look reminiscent of the Slavic stare. Deep thoughts. Not noisy but when they do babble, it's one loud shout and pointing at something. "Ba!" *points at Shane* "Yes, baby, that is Dad."

- Long-limbed, wiggly baby who stretches *so big* like a frog mid-jump. Personal grudge against the swaddle, smacking and grabbing everything. Ilya and Shane wear this baby on their runs, and that kid kicks their legs like crazy in excitement. This one may require a leash when they learn to walk.

- Clingy, shy baby who cries a lot when not being held. Constantly has their face in Shane's neck. VERY attached to Shane which makes Ilya happy but jealous. Eventually grows just as attached to Ilya and reaches for them both so they're constantly passing them back and forth. Snuggle champion, warm and nuzzly. Inexplicably terrified of Hayden Pike (which Ilya loves).

- Baby who babbles and sings constantly, loves to have conversations with their dads about hockey stats, dogs, and reality TV. Will pick up cadence and rhythms from adults, but all the words are nonsense. Once saw Yuna on the phone with a sponsor she was chewing out and held a block up to their ear and began to angrily babble into it. Social butterfly with everyone, will hand over toys and food to share.

- Baby who is obsessed with Grandpa David to the point where they get them matching hats. The baby screams with joy from the front door when David and Yuna are walking up for a visit. David lets this baby "help" with cooking by banging spoons on bowls and making a mess with the flour. When the baby is upset, Ilya and Shane video call David and let them talk to each other from the ipad.

- Baby that looks exactly like Irina which makes Ilya cry with bittersweet joy. Feels like a gift directly from Mama.

“What the fuck shane” and he’s maybe a little hard, and Shane is like “I mean it’s really hot. I like it. I just think you’d suck at pulling out” and he’s got a little smirk and Ilya is like woooow. Turns into bickering which turns into play fighting which turns into dry humping- which turns into Shane on his back with his legs slung over Ilya’s hips, Ilya pushing into him bare and slick with lube.

Once he’s all the way inside, mouth panting against Shane’s, Shane stroking his hand through his hair he’s like “make sure you pull out okay?” And Ilya pulls back to catch Shane’s eye and that little gleam he gets in it and oh game on. Ilya is like “of course baby, don’t wanna get you pregnant, metros stand no chance without next season if you’re knocked up” and Shane’s mouth drops open and his cock throbs between them and he lets out a tiny choked sound and oh. Ilya will be investigating that more later.

But it Shane so it’s game on and he swallows and he says “mm only if you can’t control yourself big boy” and Ilya hates how much that turns him on- and then they’re fucking and Shane is squirmy and loud under him, hands all over Ilya’s chest and neck and face and down his back and gripping at his ass and Ilya loooves that he can fuck him like this now, on his back and glued close and not hiding anything between them anymore. Ilyas getting close and his brain is swimming because he won’t prove Shane right- he won’t but fuck it feels so fucking good and Shane is so tight and wet and perfect around him and his cock looks so pretty throbbing and jolting with Ilya’s thrusts and he loves the way Shane shakes around him after he’s cum and Ilya keeps fucking him through it till he fills him and he wants that and he- he can’t he’s going to be good.

And then shane is kissing him, pulling at his hair, scratching at his scalp and saying “m close” Ilya all low and soft and fuck Ilya loves him and only Ilya gets him like this and they both need this so badly- it’s the whole universe, how good this feels. And Ilya needs Shane to feel good, he’s nodding, kissing Shane back the best he can as he fucks him, harder, deeper, presses his legs apart further the leverage down and in the way Shane loves and Shane is whining, throwing his head back and mumbling “Ilya Ilya” and Ilya might die, like this, he thinks one day because it’s too good. It’s already heaven.

“Let go sweetheart” Ilya is mumbling and shane is nodding and he’s slurring out “don’t cum, don’t cum inside remember, you can’ get me pre” and Ilya is fucking him harder then, Shane’s words stuttering until he cums, back bowed and all over his stomach and chest and he’s so fucking tight round Ilya and Ilya is so fucking close. So close. He needs to cum- but he needs to cum inside Shane.

He’s never once had an issue with pulling out, happy to cover tits or face or ass in his cum instead, but Shane is all dazed and shivery and post orgasm gorgeous on his cock and his hands are grabbing soft and open at Ilya’s back and neck, holding him close and Shane loves being full, Ilya knows this, Ilya loves filling him, he stays inside Shane after sex for as long as he can most times and it’s not right it’s not what he wants, to pull out of the warm secure home of Shane’s body, where he belongs, where Shane takes him like it’s devotion. Ilya is shivering, his shoulder wracking as he fucks Shane and his pace is slowed and he tries to force his hips to stay on the out stroke. To pull back- but he can’t, he can’t stop driving in, helpless little fucks of his good because this feels to good, being Shane’s, connected to him, fucking him open, fitting him on him he can’t make himself stop.

Ilya frowns and looks up at Shane and Shane is head back, mouth parted, soft smile as he takes Ilya’s thrusts, his hand on Ilya’s cheek now, thumb rubbing and Shane mumbles after a big content sigh “fuck baby I love your cock” and then Ilya is whining, low and driving into Shane, all the way, sinking his cock so deep it must hurt a bit for Shane, till he has no more space to go and he cums so hard his thigh and lower stomach cramp with it, Shaking as he ruts and pushes up up up into Shane, filling him.

“shane hollander? sorry, i don’t know the names of all assistant coaches.”

“shane hollander? the zamboni driver for montreal? does good job, sure, but i have seen smoother ice.”

“shane hollander? who is that? does he sell popcorn during the games so that he can at least watch from afar?”

“shane hollander? you mean the guy who has coffee cart outside the arena because selling iced drinks is the closest he will get to hockey?”

“shane hollander? of course i remember him. he is park guide now, did you know? yes that is the closest he will get to sticks.”

(to the journalist) “shane hollander? is that the name of your son? does he want my autograph?”

towards the end of their wedding reception, sun setting, looking rumpled and tired, Ilya kissing Shane's palm while Shane is very seriously talking to Scott Hunter

the two of them with a fan, taken at the dog park, Ilya holding Anya and Shane with one arm around his husband's shoulder and the other trying to prevent Anya from licking the fan's face

Shane Hollander sitting on the Centaurs bench with blood on his face, mouth wide open, Ilya Rozanov gripping his chin and glaring at the gap where Shane's bottom canine used to be

Ilya Rozanov with his fist in the air after a goal, a smear of red in the corner of his mouth

sitting next to each other at team tape review, heads bent together, Ilya's hand on Shane's thigh, Shane's hands sketching out a play in the air

Ilya Rozanov leaning against his car in the airport arrivals line, a coffee in one hand and a forest-green smoothie in the other

Shane Hollander giving his husband the middle finger after losing the shot accuracy competition at ASG by half a second

piggyback racing across the yard with a Pike twin each clinging to their necks

Ilya Rozanov, outraged, with a face full of snow, as his husband doubles over with laughter

wearing identical blank expressions the seventeenth time a journalist asks about their "off-ice chemistry"

Shane Hollander throwing his head back and cackling in a booth at a random dive bar in a random city, Ilya Rozanov grinning into his drink

"So you're going on the ice single, Hollander? You're going to find another player to fall in love with during this match? Just please not Pike. Promise me."

"Ough, I can't even look at your gloves right now because I know underneath your hand is naked. So naked. Not even one little ring there."

"Pike, Pike, can you believe this shit? Shane decided not to wear his ring today. You know, the one I put on his finger when he promised to love me forever? Where is the love now, Pike?"

"Hollander, if you make this next goal I promise I will marry you again once the divorce is finalized."

Eventually during one of the intervals Shane turns to him like "The fuck, Ilya? We're on the same team. Sorry I forgot my ring one fucking time. I feel like shit about it already, okay? Stop chirping me and save your asshole shit for the other team."

And Ilya gets his mouth up close to Shane's face so that his lips brush the shell of his ear.

"I would, moy lyubimyy, but you play so much better when you're pissed off. Especially against Montreal." He presses a kiss to his ear and pulls back with a shit-eating grin. "Just being a good captain and getting what I need out of my team."

“Are you Shane Hollander?”

Shane freezes, being sure to school his expression of dread before turning around to face the small crowd of kids surrounding him. It was silly of him to expect to never get recognized, but at a shitty rest stop halfway to Niagara Falls was not ideal. Especially when the littlest one was wearing a Metros jersey.

And as if on cue, “Why did you move to Ottawa?”

“Well,” Shane starts, crouching down a bit so he could meet the boy’s gaze, “We just had some differences and so we decided to go our separate ways, but I wish them nothing but the best.” He winces at the look of confusion that passes over the child’s face at the PR answer, but before he could scramble for other words,

“Shane?” He looks up to Ilya standing at the end of the aisle, clutching an armful of snacks. “Ah, what do we have here?”

Another one of the kids, this time a little girl, lets out a gasp, and Shane watches Ilya preen at the attention.

“Oh my god,” she starts, “You’re Shane Hollander’s husband!” Shane can’t help but burst into laughter at the absolute shock on Ilya’s face.

Before they can say anything else, a teacher (who funnily enough doesn’t recognize either of them and looks mildly worried that her students are talking to strangers) corrals them to the door and in the direction of the school bus waiting outside.

Shane makes to walk towards the counter as Ilya trails behind him like a scolded puppy.

“Did Shane Hollander’s husband get everything he needed?” he asks, unable to help being a little shit.

Ilya is Jake so ofc Shane is Amy (it fits) but then it'd have to get creative

Svetlana as Rosa?

Hayden and JJ as Hitchcock and Scully?

Married Hollanov Part 2

🏒 One touch is not enough | 1.1k

Shane gets drunk and can't keep his hands to himself.

🏒 Ilya Rozanov Started A TikTok Live: come watch me ragebait my husband !! | 1.3k

AKA Ilya "Professional Ragebaiter" Rozanov has some fun fucking with his husband while the internet watches

🏒 miced up | 1.5k

🔒 they expect ilya to shit talk with his teammates and instead they get him being domestic with his husband

🏒 Boy, Look At You Looking At Me | 1.9k

Shane smokes weed for the first time and has no issues with loving up on his husband in front of their friends

🏒 human nature (why, why?) | 2.3k

ilya rozanov is shane hollander's best friend, to hayden pike's shock and horror

🏒 Let me hear your body talk | 2.8k

Shane does a workout interview with Men's Health Magazine. When the video drops while he's out with Hayden, Ilya's at home watching it and having strong Feelings about it.

🏒 Coattails | 3.0k

Shane: And you’re going to get ready with us for the Met Gala.

🏒 The Photo | 3.0k

Sprawled out on a beach chair, damp and sun-kissed, Shane Hollander is oblivious to how fuckable he is. So really, posting that photo was just… sharing the truth. A public service.

🏒 Downy | 3.1k

🔒  Ilya Rozanov has a laundry kink and he's not proud of it.

🏒 Make Me Remember | 3.1k

Ilya Rozanov refers to his husband as his boyfriend and his husband makes him remember.

🏒 The First Pancake is Always Lumpy | 3.4k

Last night, Ilya dreamed Shane served him divorce papers. They were making dinner when suddenly Shane pulled them out of the microwave and thrust them into Ilya’s hand. This isn’t working, he said. I’m divorcing you. No negotiations. And look: of course Ilya understands that it was just a dream. The official divorce petition was a stack of sticky notes. Shane had faintly green skin and, Ilya is pretty sure, a third eye next to his left nipple. It obviously wasn’t real.

🏒 What you Wanted | 3.7k

Shane thinks Ilya is cheating turns out it was a big misunderstanding.

🏒 Hockey Husbands Play Truth Or Dare | 3.7k

A popular YouTube channel, known for ‘Truth or Drink’ videos, manages to book the famous hockey couple Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, years after they get married

🏒 Madwoman | 3.9k

Ilya watches his husband in Laufey’s “Madwoman” music video. It goes about as chaotic as expected

🏒 would you still love me | 4.1k

Fingers brush against his cheek, and Shane leans into the touch, lost in the feeling of being loved and wanted so wholly. And then, “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” 

🏒 save a horse, ride a centaur | 4.4k

For their first Halloween together as a married couple, Ilya convinces Shane to dress up in a couple's costume.

🏒 Love Was A Myth (Now It’s My Morning Coffee) | 4.4k

Ilya is going to die. His heart is actually going to give out on him because of this sweet, perfect man who he loves more than he knows what to do with. Who he loves more than anything in this entire world

🏒 arrullo de estrellas (lullaby of stars) | 4.6k

Ilya post a picture on Instagram of Shane sleeping on top of him and became trending topic on twitter

🏒 just call me boring barbie | 4.7k

years after him and Ilya got together, Shane starts to resent the 'boring' banter.

🏒 Everything to me | 5k

Married Hollanov are asked by Yuna when they're going to have children. Shane's not sure that he wants kids, but he and Ilya haven't talked about that yet.

🏒 and should i wedded be | 5.1k

the Vogue Wedding Article

🏒 hope it hurts like you hurt me | 5.5k

Shane reunites with his former teammates at J.J.'s bachelor party. He's finally ready to say (and maybe punch) his piece

🏒 meet the husband | 5.6k

After his relationship with NHL star Ilya Rozanov goes public, Shane Hollander wants to invite his friends over for dinner

🏒 36 Questions That Lead to Love | 5.7k

Harris: It’s called 36 Questions That Lead to Love. They’re questions that a psychologist developed back in the nineties that are supposed to help couples move past the awkward stage and get more personal. It’ll be fun!

🏒 Leave a divot for your eye | 5.9k

Ilya Rozanov regularly gets called out on fighting his husband’s battles. He thinks people should be glad it’s him they’re facing.

🏒 Breakfast All Over Your Tiffany’s (Munch, Munch, Munch) | 6.4k

Shane and Ilya have a sponsor campaign/ photoshoot together and get really horny about it. Especially over the chokers that wardrobe keeps putting on them

🏒 Should We? We Should. | 6.5k

Happily married and sickeningly sweet with each other, Shane and Ilya attend Hayden’s birthday party expecting nothing more than a casual night out. As the evening unfolds, the atmosphere shifts, and the night ultimately turns into a very dangerous game of cat and mouse.

🏒 my only shining star | 7.0k

their first morning as husbands spent dancing to an old Japanese song and saying vows in Russian

🏒 The Adoring Husband’s Handbook | 7.5k

5 times Ilya Rozanov spoiled Shane Hollander with the Princess Treatment™ he so rightly deserves. As if Ilya could treat his boy any other way

🏒 You’re Mine | 7.8k

When the Peloton ad that Shane does drops online, Ilya has a lot of feelings about it— and maybe too many words for the fans online

🏒 The Smallest Part | 9.5k

Ilya loses his wedding ring and doesn't tell Shane. Instead, he tries to handle it himself. This leads to a week of distance, panic, and the fear that he is about to lose much more

🏒 Vogue’s 73 Questions with the Hottest Couple in Hockey | 10.3k

Shane and Ilya do the 73 Question Interview with Vogue. Ilya is his usual self. Shane contemplates filing for divorce

🏒 Dinner Tonight? | 15.1k

There was nothing standard about Shane and Ilya's relationship, so it really shouldn't have been so surprising that they had their first date over a decade after meeting each other.

🏒 Crystal Blue (Body and Soul) | 20.4k

Shane and Ilya go on family vacation with Yuna and David to Florida!

🏒 Co-Dependent Husbands Series

“why”

“umm… I always wake up before ilya!”

“yeah! and remember last week I went to check the mail without you”

“yes yes and remember I went to help my parents while you took anya to the vet”

Some of Ilya's favorite appearances of 'brutally honest Shane' are at the Kingfisher with their team, as well as the Admirals.

---

Hunter and Vaughn both rolled their eyes at yet another classic Rozanov chirp. Shane hadn't been listening to that side of the table, as he was enjoying his conversation with Kip about the latest paintings he acquired for a gallery.

"God, Roz, you are a real piece of work. I bet you even chirp the kids at your camps," Carter said, a little too plainly to be a joke. Shane did not like that one bit.

"What? Ilya would never. He is a sweetheart with the kids," Shane countered, turning his attention and leaning into Ilya's side.

Scott huffed a laugh and nodded. "Well, that may be true, but on the ice, he’s a menace. Even you can admit that, Rook."

"Of course he is; it’s a strategy. That is the role he plays. He’s nothing like that off the ice. That's how most of us are, you know that," Shane replied firmly. He knew Ilya enjoyed the chirping when it was fair, but Shane did not like the implication of his husband being bad with children or just genuinely being a 'bad' person.

"You are the same on and off, Hollz," Carter said.

Ilya stopped himself from laughing, but Shane couldn't. He chuckled a bit and then paused before responding. "Oh, wait, you’re serious?"

The entire table went quiet, listening in on the conversation now. Scott was the one to reply. "Uh, yeah, Shane. You are the nicest guy in the league."

"I am definitely not," Shane said, not able to hide his surprise. Ilya had to tuck his face into Shane's shoulder to keep his smile at bay.

"What are you talking about? You are always composed on the ice. You are a good leader, especially for the rookies. All the stripes love you. You don't fight. I mean, you started a whole damn charity. They called you Canada's Golden Boy for a reason, Rook."

Shane rolled his eyes. He appreciated all of Scott's kind words, but sometimes he hated that his reputation always boiled down to that, especially given the pressure of maintaining it.

"I guess that is true. Thank you, but like I said before, that is on the ice. I'm not saying I'm a bad person or anything, but I can be a real bitch. I know that."

Multiple voices called out around the table in contention, shocked by what he just said.

Shane's eyes grew wide, seeing them all react as if this were new information. He thought it was a bit obvious. "What? It’s true!"

Scott set his beer down with a loud clatter on the table. "You aren’t a bitch, Shane. What the hell are you talking about?"

Shane shrugged as he took another bolstering sip of Ilya's vodka, not even bothering to chase this one. "Not all the time, no, but I’m way meaner than Ilya. I just don't chirp you guys to your faces."

Ilya finally joined the conversation with a nod before adding, "Is true. He is like that meme. Looks like cinnamon roll but could kill you. I have been saying Shane Hollander is an asshole for many years, and no one would listen."

Everyone around the table laughed, some sporting expressions of recognition at Ilya's meme comparison. That was until Troy leaned in from his spot across the table.

"Hang on, Hollzy. What do you mean you don't chirp us to our faces?"

Shane leveled Troy with that unimpressed look some of the Centaurs have received after making subpar passing choices or shot attempts at practice.

"Barrett, you really think Ilya comes up with chirps about stats on his own? Or the ones in French? I thought you were smarter than that."