The Last Place Expected

Ilya: [barely listening] yeah for sure. Should I buy this Rolls-Royce in yellow or red?

...whatever this situation he found himself in was.

He's out on some minor assignment, weeding out an xenobiological environmental depracator from a thriving developing civilization. It's a one-done deal and he's elected to spend the next few hours saying hello to locals, playing with the kids, and maybe doing some "shopping" (because everyone refuses to let him pay)

Hal is joined by a galactic diplomat who makes polite conversation that's led them to this particular string of dialogue:

Alien Diplomat: You've bought so many fine cloths and toys! To whom are they for?

Hal: Some are for my children, actually.

Alien Diplomat: You are mated then! Wonderful ^^ ! How many are in your brood? Strong Lantern such as yourself, you must have plenty of children!

Hal, figuring he should clarify things: Oh, no, all are adopted. Well, adopted by my boyfriend. Or, well, I guess the more understandable way to call it is that he's my mate.

Alien Diplomat: You and your mate don't have children together?

Hal: Well, he has kids when we started dating, and they're as good as family.

Alien Diplomat: But you would like to have a child with your mate?

Hal: I mean, it's a fantasy but Bruce can't really have kids.

Alien Diplomat: Oh, I see. It is a health issue!

Hal, thinking they understand it's because both he and Bruce have none of the parts for it: Sort of?

Alien Diplomat: No matter! We can help you overcome it so you can impregnate your mate! ^^ How many children would you like to put in him?

Hal: ??????????????

Alien Diplomat: :DD ?

Hal: I'm sorry WHAT.

And that's why, 2 weeks later, a gift crash lands into Wayne Manor's front lawn full of aphrodisiacs, body alteration-inducing medication, courting gifts, and foreign-written instructions on how to ensure procreation during intercourse that will lead to at least 3-4 children on the first pregnancy.

Alfred is loading his shotgun. Damian and Duke have not stopped laughing. Leslie is rattling on over the phone about how "I AM NOT BECOMING ANOTHER 2 AM MEDICAL BOOTY CALL FOR A HORNY WAYNE"

Bruce is blushing.

The proposed solution: you will rewrite the lyrics to the song to imply a platonic friendship between yourself and the man in red, making Santa a real bro who's gonna help you get laid by some hunnies, with cool, masculine gifts like a steel blue convertible, a yacht and tickets to a Canadian hockey game

hal jordan’s got a hot date… BUT WITH WHO??? (carol?? bruce?? who knows) (but it’s almost most definitely bruce LMAO)

guys PLEASE look at the suit it took me the longest time esp the pinstripes!! ok maybe don’t look too closely cause it’s a BIT of a mess