void ♡

something very deep in my brain still associates this kind of all pervasive joy with addiction. i've felt so loved this weekend. felt so safe and tender and i love my friends to death and i'd kill to see them grow old with me. and something deep inside me still thinks this kind of elated feeling is to be achieved by and/or paired with pain. even after all these years. and i won't because i won't but jesus fucking christ.

'and it was fine because i- i figured you'd love me, jo.'

on the night of her birthday, we went to this cute little restaurant to have pizza. by ourselves, which could mean nothing (funny enough my own Mother asked me 'how many people are there at the bday tonight' and i said 'it's just a chill thing between us really' and she was all '🧐' girllll idk what to TELL YOU!!!!). we took a walk afterwards and she said she would have liked to take me to this meadow where you can see the stars real good but we had to change plans cause it was too cloudy. which could also, mean nothing. my gift was tickets to see les mis together in november and on the envelope i'd written 'date idea: do you wanna go see a revolution w me' - to which she laughed and said of course. which could mean Nothing. just Classic Bestie Behavior. anyway. i had a crisis earlier and she told me to call her. to which i was reluctant because fuck me if i can ever accept help but i tried. we talked a bit until i was calmer. and then we planned a whole thing for next weekend (13/14th july) 'cause like, the idea was to make me focus on something good post-exam cause i'm fucking burnt out and hysterical and on the verge of some huge breakdown and whatnot. and i said 'you still gotta take me stargazing'. 'we can totally do that. and get pizza and watch hannibal and get stoned and chill and it's going to be great.' 'my parents aren't home that weekend either, so you can stay over if you want'. she agreed (wonderign. if your so called bestie literally writes down 'date idea' on your bday gift and you're Not interested that way. would you Even agree to a sleepover at their place. WHATEVER) anyway. and we went on planning silly stuff until i felt calm enough to get off the phone. could mean NOTHIGN but it sure doesn't look that way. but the funny thing is i'm - quite calm. it's like. if i was misunderstanding all this, i still wouldn't be misunderstanding the amount of affection and care. there's no mistaking that. you know? it's solid ground.