A writer's place.

“Haas, where are you right now?”

“The club by the hotel.”

“And he’s not in the bathroom?”

“No.”

“Not on the roof?”

“No.”

“Not trying to access any of the dancers poles?”

“What? Why would- Oh, Troy says no.”

“Is he hanging out with drunk girls in the women’s bathroom?”

“Umm, one sec. Harris, can you ask her if Ilya is in there? … Harris says no.”

“Ok. What were you talking about before he disappeared?”

“We were trying to figure out where to eat.”

“Did anyone bring up sushi?”

“He didn’t say he wanted-“

“Just answer the question.”

“Uh yeah, someone suggested it, but he said he wanted-“

“He’s at the pier.”

“What?”

“He got bored, sushi put fish on his brain, which made him think about water, and he likes going to piers, and the hotel is walking distance from a boardwalk by the water. He’s there, most likely trying to look at fish going under the dock.”

“… How do you know that?”

Ilya left with Harris and Troy to get fitted for his best man suit for the upcoming Drover-Barrett wedding hours ago. He'd sent a very sexy selfie from the changing room, linen suit pants hanging loose on his waist, white dress shirt draped over his shoulders and unbuttoned down the chest, stupid lopsided grin with laugh lines and crinkles around his eyes (fuuuuuck, why are Ilya's crows feet doing it for him lately? Definitely not going to unpack that one).

Shane: Fuck. Come home.

Ilya: See something you like? I think it comes in your size

Shane: As long as it comes in me

Ilya: 👀

Shane: Come. Home. Now.

Ilya: Fuck. I promised Troy and Harris I would grab a beer when we're done. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home.

But hours later and still no text from Ilya. Shane doesn't want to be clingy. He knows the Centaurs see him and Ilya as a two-headed, codependent entity (which, honestly, fits in with the whole Centaur thing, wait no, Shane, don't lose the plot here). But he's starting to worry. Every now and then, Ilya will enjoy a beer since starting his SSRI, but never more than one, and he's always been completely fine. But still, Shane's brain is picturing awful scenarios, and he's practically thrumming with anxiety.

So Shane's anxiety wins and he dials Ilya. It rings a few times, and his heart fills with relief at the static crackle and rush of air filling the speaker. "Hello, Lyubimyy," Ilya purrs.

"Fuck, Roz, where the hell are you?"

"In the car, driving home from the bar. I'll be home in about 20 minutes. Just have to make a quick stop on the way."

Shane lets go of a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Okay. But if you're not home by 8, I'll suck my own dick."

There's a muffled gasp, but it doesn't sound like Ilya. He hears a tinny voice in the background. "Can he really do that?" it asks incredulously. Troy. Motherfucker.

He hears Ilya scoffs. "No. Wait. Can you really do that?'

"I bet its the yoga," another voice says. Harris. Fuck.

Shane blinks. His voice goes dangerously quiet. "Ilya," he starts. "Am I on speakerphone?"

"What?" Ilya squawks indignantly. "You are always so worried about me driving and talking, so I use the bluetooth."

"Ohhhhh well in that case," Shane says in a fake cheerful voice. "But you might have mentioned it before I STARTED DESCRIBING SEX ACTS IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS!" Shane yells.

"Shane," Ilya whines.

"Don't you 'Shane' me."

Ilya sputters. "I like to be hands free!"

Harris snickers in the background. "Apparently Shane likes to be hands free, too."

"Dude," Troy says. "You think he, like, can bend in half?"

Ilya growls. "Stop picturing it, Barrett!" he yells, presumably into the backseat. "Your fiance is literally next to you."

"Oh it's cool, Harris says Shane is my hallpass. Or, you know, Hollpass."

Ilya sighs. "Shane, we will fight about this later. I need to go kill Troy." And the call disconnects.

But I’d love a fic where one or both of Shane’s parents drop by the cottage for phone charger/laundry pod reasons and find Shane snuggled on the couch fast asleep on Ilya’s chest and that’s how they find out

They’re dressed in soft casual clothes, sleeping like the dead and wrapped around each other like vines and Ilya’s hand is in Shane’s hair and Shane looks so so comfortable and relaxed

I can imagine Grace, still in that "has been teaching for five hours" haze, trying to have a conversation with Rocky like:

"That's a great answer, buddy, you have earned yourself a sticker... Oh shoot Rocky I'm so so..."

I thought Grace would already be freaky with just the ability to perceive light alone but it would probably be way worse when it gets learnt that he has three additional senses over Rocky and all other Eridians for that matter.

Like,

Rocky: Constructing the biodome will be easy. The only thing we'll struggle on is sight since humans have 3 senses instead of 2.

Grace: 5.

Rocky: what?

Grace: we have 5 senses. debatably 6, though its unproven. sometimes people even think we have a 7th.

So Grace 1000% starts picking up and mimicking Eridian noises.

One day, Rocky will be working on something, only to freeze as he hears Grace behind him suddenly exclaim in fluent Eridian "SHIT!"

--

Grace: Hey, do you want some coffee?

Simon, snarky: Yeah right. Good joke.

Grace: I made a cup. It's for you.

Simon: ... People have killed each other for this, and you're just giving it to me?

Grace: what

Bonus:

Grace: Hey, you want some coffee?

Simon: Never heard of it.

Grace: It's a stimulant. Makes you energized.

Simon: Sorry, I don't do drugs.

"Babe alert," She whispers when Steve comes back from his break. "In the documentary section. She's older than what you go for but if you want a mature relationship, you need a mature woman. Check her out, be subtle.."

Steve: ...my sister?

Dustin: Yeah, I was going through your stuff and found this picture of your sister. She's cute. I wish she lived here. I could date her,l and then I would be your brother-in-law

Steve: This picture. This picture right here is my sister?

Dustin: Obviously.

Steve: That's me.

Steve: That's me in a wig for Spirit Week like three years ago.

Dustin:

Steve:

Dustin: We never talk about this again

Steve: Agreed

- ten minutes later -

Steve: What do you mean you were going through my stuff?

simon, after the adrenaline wears off: oh god oh no i hugged him i TOUCHED him i need to throw myself into dirt and bury myself i need a small space to- what the fuck is he doing in the mental health node

grace, after putting on a video of mars: I found your mountain the one you said you liked and the lake in the crater? we can go there when we get back if you want i think i’m turbo dead legally on earth sooooo

simon, staring blankly ahead: i would give you my seed

grace:

grace: wh at

simon: the- the seed. the highest honor when someone dies. i would give up my place in a burial chamber so you could have a seed planted where you rest

grace: HUH

Simon, unable to shut up: can we tell rocky to mix the soil our bodies become i want to be one with you

grace: hey so is planning funerals like planning a wedding

simon: no (very obviously lying)

grace:

grace: i mean

grace: sure?? we can be dirt together

simon: :)

grace: oh my god you can smile

simon: I HAVE SMILED BEFORE

grace: WH- NOT AT ME

simon: YOU JUST WEREN’T LOOKING WHEN I WAS

grace: do you smile at me when i’m not looking a lot

simon: >:(

(More like Ilya & Boston but 🤷🏼‍♀️)

Post-Cottage, Ilya goes back to Boston and starts randomly talking about his "New Friend Shane," which eventually becomes his "Good Friend Shane," and then his "Best Friend Shane." (Marly is definitely jealous the first time that pops out)

None of the guys know who he's talking about. They ask clarifying questions, but the answers range from "Have known him longer than any of you" to "Can speak bird" to "Once he cried after I made him eat carbs." None of this is helpful.

Someone suggests maybe Jane transitioned. They don't hear about her as much anymore, but Ilya is always talking about this new guy.

No one connects the right dots that "Best Friend Shane" is also "Biggest Rival Shane."

It's not until the foundation announcement that they realize "Shane" is Shane Hollander. And even then it takes some time to contextualize all of the information they've learned about "New Friend" and merge it with "Hockey Legend."