Andrew Cochrane

Let me start by saying, welcome back. I know it’s been a while. What did I miss? Lol that’s a song from HAMILTON! What a great show! I can’t wait til the all white version comes out. HAM(and cheese sandwich with extra mayo)ILTON!

Anyway. I’ll be honest. I have been LOVING quarantine. 

WOAH WOAH SAY WHAAAT! <-- That’s my impression of you reading this.

Am I pro death? Heck flippin no! Am I glad that people are getting sick and/or losing their jobs. No sir! Am I having a good time, regardless? Oh yeah.

Lemme also say this. Yeah I know I’m privileged. Uhh no shit. I’m a straight white handsome comedian for Christ’s sake! Keep in mind that I’m joking. I could write a blog about how sad the world is, but yeesh. I know that people’s lives are FUCKED right now, but mine’s not so ROCK N ROLL BABY!

Quarantine, has straight up slapped! I guess I’ll just walk ya through it. 

THE BEGINNING

So COVID started in China (for those of you that didn’t know that.) And when that shit started I was like “Puhlease! That’s all the way over there!” Then it came here and I was like “Oh snap!” Then people started working from home, and I had a naughty thought. I thought, “Summer Break question mark?” (I said question mark out loud to be quirky.)

SUMMER BREAK

Sure enough, it happened. I was back in North Carolina working from home until this thing blew over (spoiler alert, it didn’t blow over.) How did I keep myself entertained? A little diddy called Animal Crossing. My town is fucking sweet, there’s a waterfall and-oh-I’m done playing that already. Well then I bought Final Fantasy 12 (because Animal Crossing wasn’t enough to keep the ladies at bay.) That game is a ton of fun! I love how you-oh-got bored with that one too. Well then I bought Super Mario Odyssey and-oh-beat it in a week. Well...summer break seems to be going-oh-I’m already back in Chicago.

CHUCK E CHEESE

So after two months of laying horizontally for so long that part of my back has gone permanently numb (not a lie, still numb, kind of concerned) I came back to Chirado. While everyone else was used to being locked in alone, I was starting my personal quarantine in May. I showered sparingly and I played 127 hours of Assassins Creed Odyssey. I think I receded back into virginity. If you’re at this point in the blog (and honestly..why? stop reading this garbage) I want you to know, I’m not shaming anyone that plays video games. However, I will fully shame myself and call myself a virgin for playing 127 hours of Creed. If you play games, awesome! You’re probably not a Virgin. Anyway, outside of rotting my brain, I was also rotting my stomach. Every Sunday to be exact! My good pal Marty Hasler (a.k.a. Hasman a.k.a. The Has a.k.a. Jim Jones) would join me to watch Last Dance (a Documentary about Michael Jackson or something.) Being two hungry boys, we’d order personal Chuck E Cheese zas from Door Dash. FOLKS! You are straight up FUCKING UP if you don’t capitalize on this deal before Chucks goes under. It’s $20 for TWO large one topping pizzas AAAND 600 motherfucking tickets DAWG! We’ve ordered this deal about 7 times now so do the math (4200 tickets.) I can’t wait to cash those in. Two heavy set, mustached men walking into a Chuck E Cheese. We’ll be like kings.

About halfway through writing this, I realized that I’m being long winded. So this concludes Part 1 of my Coronacles. I was gonna call em COVID Chronicles but Coronacles kinda looks like testicles, so.

Here’s a joke for the blokes the made it this far.

This Netflix original series deals with REAL 100% REAL SCARY REAL AS FUCK REAL SPOOKY GHOST REAL STORIES!!! Obviously, I’m a sucker for nonfiction so I dove into an episode. This one is called Alien Invasion (REAL) and it’s about a lady who says she was abducted by aliens (TRUE.)  So, she was a child who grew up in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and one day she’s outside and sees three aliens just chillin there (NONFICTION.) She’s like, “Dang that’s spooky but whatever I guess.” The folks on the show were like, “Why didn’t you say anything?” and she’s like, “Cuz my Mom was dying of cancer.” Okay. Totally fair. Not the best time to bring up aliens. Then she up and gets abducted by these green meanies (NOT FAKE.) They cut her open and take out organs and stuff but of course when she returned home there wasn’t a scar on her (MEDICALLY ACCURATE.) She would get these pains in her abdominal area and go to the doctor and they were like, “There’s literally nothing wrong with her.” Obviously these doctors are still stuck inside the falsified reality in which aliens aren’t real. Fuckin idiots. Then this lady grows up without any other alien interaction. Then she gets married and one thing leads to another and she’s got cancer all up in her vagina. Sorry to be crude, but that’s how she phrased it. Then, in that moment of diagnosis she had a flashback to her alien days. They put a metal probe in her hoo ha (YEP, THAT CHECKS OUT. ALIENS DO THAT.) Then it like...ends. So I don’t even know if she’s still dealing with the severe cancer...but yaknow....aliens. So obviously this shit happened, like, forreal. What I don’t understand with these alien abductions (which are REAL) is that they mainly happen to poor country folk. Why can’t a renowned scholar with legit credibility be abducted? It’s not like the aliens know that poor hicks from the middle of nowhere aren’t gonna be believed when they talk about aliens. Or maybe the aliens DO know! WWWWWOOOOOAAAAHHHHH!

Pretty misleading name cuz these people said WAY more than two sentences in the 30 minute episodes of this CW TV Show. It’s an anthology TV show about (you probably guessed it by now) the history of the lumber industry. Teehee just kidding they’re spooky stories. Lumber is dumb. Wood is dumb. Forestry is dumb. If you studied Forestry in College you’re a big dummy. Anyway, the episode I watched was called “Hide.” It’s about a Nanny watching over a young girl who has to beat the shit outta some killer home invaders. She gets one in the back with some scissors and kicks the other one in the face three times. She’s taking care of some girl who I believe has some sort of mental disease because she would scream super loud and freak out (but not in a normal “I’m scared” kinda way more like a “I am yelling because of a slight discomfort” kinda way) which ain’t the best thing to be going on when you’re hiding from murderers. But again, the Nanny kicks ass anyway so it all turned out coolio. The ending of this one was weird and maybe kinda racist? Idk maybe it’s not racist but you read it and you decide. It ends with the Nanny (who is a Hispanic woman) watching TV. She is being commended on the news for her act of bravery. Then the cops come banging on her door and she freaks out and tells her kids to hide. Then it ends. Is that racist? Like she’s an illegal immigrant or something? Or she’s breaking the law by having kids or something? Idk maybe it’s not. But it’s FOR SURE a stupid ending. Like they totally didn’t need it. Also the murderers from earlier had some SPOOKY ass clear masks that totally earned this puppy some points.

Spooky IMPROV???? Sounds like too good to be true? Well...it isn’t. Anyone who frequents the Chicago improv scene will be familiar with the iO Theater. It is a staple of long form improv and the launching pad for many famous comedians. The improv is there is top notch, so they can make you laugh...but can they spook you? This was a question my friend and I sought answers for on yesterdays chilly October night. The Campfire is reminiscent of childhood ghost stories of old, traditionally told around a campfire. Special guests would come up and tell a personal ghost story (so lie) and the Improvisers would do a series of scenes based off of the stories. These stories ranged from ghost brothers to dreams about birds and each one was spooky. The legitimacy of “real ghost stories” is obviously brought into questions but the spooks cannot be denied. True or not, these stories sure were spooky. I even had to stay up late watching YouTube videos on my phone I was so spooked. I watched a video of a guy making a chair, then I watched a couple Jim Henson interviews, then I watched a review of the Goosebumps TV Show (the very same show I reviewed mere DAYS ago!) My favorite guest speaker at Campfire was this guy who looked like Andre the Giant if he was normal sized. He was a Chicago Haunted Tours guide and he told us a historic story about a fire at the Iroquois Theater. This guy was slingin ZINGERS left and right. But for every zinger, he had a spook. The biggest spook was this ancient death whistle (Mayan in origin, I believe.) And he blew that puppy and BOY HOWDY was is spooktacular.

I fell asleep right after watching this one so I’m writing this review on the train. Don’t worry, I’ve almost fallen over 7 times. That’s how dedicated I am to these reviews. “Sorry I stepped on your baby, Lady. I’ve got a film review to transcribe!!” Now, this movie. This damn movie. You’ve probably seen this on Netflix for years and simply passed it over like I did. Well I finally gave in and watched it and.....this movie....is the best movie I’ve seen all year. Why has NOBODY been talking about this movie?? This is the best horror film I’ve seen in YEARS! I tip my hat to the writers of this ingenious and genuinely funny thrill ride. Now, I really don’t want to go into any details because I want you to go into this one blind as I did. Just put it on and enjoy. But wait....is it spooky? Unfortunately, no, not very spooky. It’s a horror movie through and through but not a spooky one so I must judge accordingly. We must abide by the rules. That separates us from the snails.

All I can say about this one is that they were smoking some grass when they wrote it. So a pregnant lady and her brother get lost in some grass. Then a little boy gets lost in grass but then he was already in there before them but then he went in after. Then this other guy goes in looking for em but then he was in the grass before them too? So then the lady and her brother go in again to look for him? Then the kids Mom and Dad are in the grass, even though they were in first, but then they come in after. Then the Dad is evil. Then they’re in a bowling alley which is in the grass. Then the kid leaves the grass while also being in the grass? This Netflix original film plays with the timeline pretty hard. Time is up, down is yellow, and left is a salisbury streak. There’s also this big rock. The rock makes you evil so I guess it’s the bad guy? This film is definitely weird, and it’s meant to keep you guessing the whole time. What happens in the grass stays in the grass and what happens here is pretty fucking weird (you know, up down salisbury steak.)

Honestly I’m so confused by watching this that I can’t even compose a clear review here. This movie just sucks, plain and simple. It’s way too complicated for its own good. By all means, avoid this one. Not worth the two hours I wasted. If you want to watch a Netflix original movie regarding foliage, check out Between Two Ferns.

Y’all seeing a trend yet? Three anthology TV Shows to make up for lost time. Is that cheating? Not if nobody reads this it isn’t. So yeah, this show is a classic. Just about every episode holds up by today’s standards. Now I’ve never seen the episode “Eye of the Beholder” before but it’s regarded as the best episode. It’s super famous, I’m sure all of you reading this have seen the twist ending before (or at least heard of it.) After watching it, I certainly feel it lives up to the acclaim. Not only is the twist such a shocker, but the messages of anti-conformity ring true. It’s certainly science fiction from the hay-day of science fiction. A dystopian world where ugliness is the norm and beauty is disgusting is a very relevant device for the central message of the piece, “Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.” There very well could exist a reality where our current perception of ugliness is actually regarded as beautiful. We even see perceptions of beauty fluctuate on a spectrum throughout history and culture. In medieval times, pale skinned, overweight women were regarded as beautiful because it showed they came from wealth. Venus Statues of the Upper Paleolithic Era depicted women with exaggerated features (large breasts, stomach, buttocks, and legs.) It’s understood these ancient statues depicted the ideal frame of a fertile woman. With sexuality and personal identity becoming more diverse and fluid in the modern age, the idea of “Communal Beauty” becomes more and more obscure and I am interested to see what is to come. What will be “Beautiful” in the year 2100? 2200? 3000?  Consider when humanity makes contact with alien life in the ever distant future. Consider our species genetically intertwining with theirs. What will “beauty” be then? Will “beauty” even exist at that point? Will we become so diverse that beauty becomes a matter of personal taste? Or will be become so assimilated that we are ultimately without genetic variation. A race of beings with no physical distinctions from one another. Identical like ants in a swarm. Let us rejoice in modern ideas of beauty while we can, lest we forget.

Also them Pig Masks are flipping DOOOOOPE! Very spooky!!!

These Canadians sure know how to make lukewarm spooky children’s shows. This one is TECHNICALLY British/Canadian so these people talk like the movie Mary Poppins. The episode I watched was called “A Boy Named Redd” (Not to be confused with a BOE named Redd.) This was about a boy who went back in time to see his dad as a child. They become friends and the boy, Vincent, uses what he learns in the past to improve the relationship with his father. I wish I could go back and time and chill with my Dad as a child, but I’m not much of a drinker anymore. I got one HUUUUGE problem with this episode....THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING!!! It’s like SOOOO happy. He ends up going back in time and reversing a catastrophic accident that ruined his father’s childhood. Then the kid comes back to the future and his parents are not longer divorced and his Dad isn’t an asshole anymore (by the way I forgot to mention at the beginning, Vincent’s parents are divorced and his Dads an asshole.) I know I make jokes about Spookiness and shit in these but this wasn’t even like slightly scary or frightening in any way. I wasn’t even “creeped out.” It was just a thing. I think this might be the first zero on the scale.

Viewer beware! You’re in for a scare! When I was a little kid, I read two things: Captain Underpants and Goosebumps. The latter of which was the vehicle for many a nightmare (The Night of The Living Dummy still pickles my jimmies.) The books were easy to read and painted vivid pictures of childhood fear. The Canadian television show, however, was a the rogue olive on an otherwise delicious meatlovers pizza. This show definitely had its good episodes and bad episodes but none of which ever lived up to the books.

The episode I watched today was called “Click” (not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie.) It’s about someone who gets a universal remote that can control the things beyond the tv (not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie.) The main character, despite warning, uses this remote to his advantage and things go awry (not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie.) Now not only is this not scary (at all) but the writing is TERRIBLE (not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie.) The protagonist is instantly unlikeable so I, as an audience member, find it hard to empathize with any of the trials he goes through (not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie.) I totally picked a bad one, but I wanted to pick an episode I’ve never seen. I’ve seen just about every other episode (at least all the good ones.) My favorite is the one with the Halloween mask that can’t be taken off. Man that’d be sweet. Imagine if you could wear that Frog Mask from Runescape every day of your life. Man...how fucking cool was that mask??? I gotta log back on.

Spook-O-Meter: 🎃

Remember playing this game in middle school?

“Would you rather eat a poop or fight a tiger?”

“Tiger! Duh, I’m not tryna have stinky breath.”

“Okay well would you rather have all your finger nails ripped off slowly or kiss a boy?”

“FINGER NAILS DUDE! FINGER NAILS! I’M NOT GAY DUDE!”

Ahhh, middle school was a simpler time. Nobody plays that game anymore, except weirdos...like the weirdos in this movie! The fun part about this game is that it’s all hypothetical. Even though your middle school self has to prove he’s not gay by opting to have his finger nails removed, he doesn’t actually have to go through with it (thank GOD because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to prove your ULTIMATE MASCULINITY (BOOBIES ONLY! NO WEENIES!) to your bros.) But in this movie, they do it. That totally removes the fun of the game. Nobody actually wants to eat a poop or fight a tiger, it’s just kids being kids. Also, when you remove the fantastical elements of the game, the options become a lot more boring. Like one of em is, would you rather have your head held under water for 2 minutes or slit your eyeball with a razor blade? Like what the heck dude? That’s not funny. It has to involve poop or pee or being gay. THEMS THE RULES!

Now I’m not allowed to look at naked ladies so this one was hard to watch. This Jane Doe lady is naked on a table the whole time so I had to close my eyes for most of it. Then they cut her open like pumpkin and pumpkins are spooky so that was pretty cool. Then a guy with a bell tied to his toe started walking around and it was jingling and that reminded me of a door in an old timey barber shop. You know how there was a bell hanging from the door that jingle jangled when somebody came in? Then the barber has a like a big old curly mustache and he hears the bell. Then he turns around and he’s like, “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be talking about the movie?” Who the hell does this barber think he is? Coming at me all high and mighty when all I wanted was a haircut. Jeeze.

Hey folks, I know you all are probably wondering where the heck my review from Tuesday is. Well, I’m sick. It’s just a light fever but it left me bed ridden for most of Tuesday so I didn’t watch anything. Today I stayed home from work and watched two films to make up for it sooooooooo HERE WE GO!

This is my first suggested film for SPOOKFEST 2019! This one was suggested by Georgia Thomasson! I’d say thank you but jeeze Georgia, this was a lot slower than I thought it’d be. First of all this movie is about an hour longer than it has any right to be. That means I had to wait upwards of 20 minutes between spooks. Additionally, most of the spooks are lukewarm. Two things are legitimately spooky in this movie, the spooky voice in the house (Spooky voices are spooky because they could be coming from anywhere.) The second spooky thing is a rocking chair that rocks on its own (there could be ANY old man sittin in that chair!) It was pretty cool to see Thanos’ dad as the leading man in the film. He doesn’t really look like Thanos so Thanos’ mom musta passed along all the giant alien genes.

This is not a game I think I wanna play. I’ll stick with Call of Duty lol. This movie is about a guy named Gerald who takes so much viagra that all of the blood in his heart goes straight to his schlong and he has a heart attack. Sounds hilarious right? Well...it is...but not until you realize his wife is still handcuffed to the bed. This movie is gonna have you saying, “What else could go wrong?” quite a bit. Not only is she tied up to the bed, a feral dog comes in to eat her husband (good boy.) Then she starts going crazy and talking to hallucinated versions of herself and her recently deceased husband (I smell a threesome...no wait that’s just Gerald’s rotting corpse.) Then she starts having flashbacks to being sexually assaulted by her father as a child. Jesus Stephen King, (wrote the book this movie’s based on) hasn’t this lady been through enough? I mean seriously, what else could go wrong??? I’ll tell you what. The motherfucking MOON MAN. That’s right, a SPOOKY GHOUL! He’s this big old spooky old dude with a big spooky head and a chest full of ears and bones and stuff. Spooky as hell. And guess what! The Moon Man gets hella screen time towards the end so they can leave you feeling good and spooked. If it wasn’t for the Moon Man, this movie would be too sad and not spooky. Thank God for that Moon Man.

Foreplay Gone Awry: 🎃

When it comes to the hierarchy of spooky things, witches are second from the top (right behind spooky scary skeletons, of course.) The VVitch is about a witch and a funny speaking family that gets spooked by her. It takes place in textbook times, when ladies wore bonnets and men wore buckled boots. It was a bold decision by director Robert Eggers to make the whole cast talk like Groundskeeper Willie but an excellent decision nonetheless. The silly accents help to even out the otherwise terrifying tone of the film. Now, let’s cut the bullshit and get to the main attraction; The Witch. Oh baby what a witch. SPOOK CITY. She is butt naked, she got a pointy spooky nose and does spooky little witch scream. Boy was I spooked. Only problem is, she’s in 3 scenes. What?? The movie is called the witch and you’re cheating me out of my spooky witch! 

If you like witches, maybe check out Hocus Pocus instead. However if you like witches AND Thanksgiving People talking like the movie Brave, then holy moly have I got the movie for you.

Okay. Okay. We’re back on track. Had a full day Saturday and was unable to watch anything so I’m making up for it today with TWO, count em, TWO movies.

The first is Creep 2. A sequel to Creep. I think I got out all my Pete from The League hate on that last one so this one will actually be about the movie. As far as sequels go, this was pretty solid. It was almost as if the first film existed to prep viewers for the sequel. It was a welcome follow-up and honestly vital to the character. I thought Duplass did very well in both movies, but his character lacked motivation outside of, “I’m Crazy!” This was a good attempt at fleshing him out. Spooky wolf mask is back! That will undoubtedly aid the score. You see Mark Duplass’ penis for like a solid minute which isn’t spooky so that’ll hurt the score. This film legitimately had me guessing throughout the whole film (something the original lacked) so I’d say its a good watch overall. Both of these are on Netflix so check em out if you get the chance. But if you see The League on Netflix, fuckin skip it.

Spook-O-Meter: 🎃🎃

Return of the Wolf Mask: 🎃🎃🎃

You know what’s spooky? Puberty? And you know...this shows about puberty. Shit man, you know that’s all I got. It’s like 1:00 am and I didn’t want to miss out on my review of the day. I got some drinks with friends from work and we ended up staying out for a while. Is that my fault? Sorry I’m super cool. So I was gonna throw on a movie or something but I really wanted to see Big Mouth season 3. So I figured I’d find a way to spin Big Mouth in a spooky light, but tbh I’m so tired. Like sooo tired. Like I probably won’t even play Mario Kart Tour after this I’m so tired. Also screw that game. The micro transactions are...fuck it man I’m too tired to even do that. I just...I’m sorry. I’ll watch something extra spooky tomorrow I just...I just can’t tonight.

This found footage film is about a man (Patrick Kack-Brice) who is hired to film another man (Mark Duplass) for a day as his dying wish. By the way, Mark Duplass is Pete from the TV show, The League. I gotta say, I was never a fan of Pete as a character in The League. He’s too cool. First of all, he’s not even that sexy to be as cool as he is on the show. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a decent looking dude, but in the show they make him out to be James flippin Bond. He’s smashin chicks and crackin jokes and somehow always coming out on top. I have such a problem with perfect characters (especially in comedy.) You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Comedy comes from truth.” I don’t have time to dissect the whole thing but basically the truer a character is, the more relatable, and therefore funny, the character is. That is why we love the cast of Seinfeld, they all have such distinct flaws. You know who everyone’s least favorite character was? Jerry. Because he was too cool. Sure it was his show, but we related to his flawed friends more than we did to him rolling his eyes like, “Can you BELIEVE this ladies and gentleman?” It’s the same with Pete. His friends are all flawed in their own unique ways. Taco is an idiot savant. Andre is an oblivious douche. Kevin is a goof. And Ruxin is an asshole. What’s Pete’s thing? He drinks Bud Light? (Seriously what the fuck is with all the Bud Light they drink?) We love to see people fail, because we fail all the time and it’s relieving to be reminded of that. The entire cast of The League fails time after time. Don’t get me wrong, Pete has his blunders too but he always brushes it off like some cool guy and we never feel as though there is a true consequence to his actions. Nobody’s Perfect (thank you Hannah Montana.) If a character has no flaws then we as an audience have nothing to relate to; nothing to grab ahold of (that’s right motherfucker, I just used a semicolon there. Did I use it correctly? No idea.) This isn’t to the fault of Mark Duplass, but it certainly is a fault to The League. An otherwise hilarious show tainted by “The Straight Guy.” Ooh look at me I’m like Jim from The Office! I’m so cool and I do a white guy smirk frown thing with my mouth when something awkward happens. 

Anyway Mark Duplass plays a creep in this movie.

Spook-O-Meter: 🎃🎃