[A]Musing Ramblings

Transparent hearts, like mine possess 

Need tender care, a sweet caress

But scar they will when pain inflicts 

And walls are built with love amiss

When trust is free and joy is spread

Such broken hearts can be misled

Hardened hearts in fearful disdain

Will go on living by avoiding pain

One day, I pray, this heart will thaw

Like the snow my pain will cease

And as the winter turns to spring

Transparent hearts Like mine possess Need tender care A sweet caress

But scar it will When pain inflicts For walls are built With love amiss

When trust is free And joy is spread Such broken hearts Can be misled

A hardened heart In fearful disdain Will go on living By avoiding pain

She was a walking contradiction, that one She made as much sense as thundersnow Soft and gentle one moment, loud and terrifying the next And she knew it too.

It wasn’t lost on her, how strange she must seem Always the life of the party, yet always withdrawn Forever lost in her head, consumed by her thoughts She was impenetrable, but entirely vulnerable.

Like a chameleon, she fit in everywhere, but never really belonged So unlike the rest of them though no one noticed Nobody ever noticed what was blatantly obvious to her

She had her whole life planned out, and yet lived life day to day Always changing directions without changing course Dreaming of everything and nothing Living a hundred lives in one lifetime.

Her inner world was vivid Consumed by possibility She quietly moved mountains But never told a soul.

How lonely it is to know others better than you know yourself, But still know yourself better than anyone?

It’s tragic, really. How she gave so much of herself to make him happy. All she ever wanted was for him to do the same, if only in the smallest way possible. Her expectations were low and she would have been content with very little.

He less he cared, the more she did. She thought that making him happy would lead to her own happiness as well. She thought his love would make her feel whole. 

She gave no regard to her own feelings. She never considered looking for happiness apart from him. She tied her ship to his, because that’s all she knew to do. How could she settle for a supporting role within a man’s life? Why didn’t she assume the starring role within her own?

Somehow, she convinced herself that his lack of commitment was her fault, not his. She told herself she wasn’t good enough. She cried because she feared she didn’t have enough to give. She thought herself unworthy of love. Her criticism and blame was always directed inward. She never considered for a moment that he was somehow incapable of loving her.

She wanted him to fill a void left vacant by her self-loathing. But he never did, and never could. She thought that he was the solution to her unhappiness. Nobody told her that she herself possessed the very solution that she was seeking. 

He never told her she was unworthy. But he never told her she was worthy either. In truth, he never thought about her worth at all. And so his silence reinforced the lies she told herself.

Meanwhile, he thought himself happy and in love. He was in love with his life. He was in love with how he felt with her. He was in love with the way she loved him. More than anything, he was in love with himself. 

He cared deeply about his own happiness, but never her’s. He was happy, so he assumed that she was too. His happiness was her happiness, he told himself. Her happiness was never questioned. It was never his concern. 

He didn’t love her, but he thought he did. He lied to her, but he also lied to himself. He never knew what love is. Not really. 

His love and concern was always directed inward. Her love and concern was always directed outward. She gave, he took. A vicious cycle.

She stayed with him because she wanted him to love her. He stayed with her because he wanted to feel loved. She didn’t love herself. He only loved himself. 

I often wonder, am I better of alone?

I’m most at home inside my head, where you can’t go

You see my glowing light, it draws you close

He scared me more than anything.

The thought of him. The thought of being with him. And the thought of losing him.

More than anything, I was scared of losing him. Losing the one person who knew me better than anyone. Losing him meant losing myself too. At least that’s what I thought once.

I was scared that my bravery was his bravery. I was scared that my boldness was his boldness. I was scared of losing myself if I lost him. I was terrified.

I remember the exact day we walked out of each other’s lives. We spoke almost everyday, until one day we didn’t. Friends one day, strangers the next. We quit each other cold turkey. Somehow I just knew. I think he did too. 

Nothing happened. Nothing caused it. We just stopped. After all those years, we stopped knowing each other. Just like that. No warning, no slowing down, no clear shift or transition. 

And I was okay. I was me, just the way he left me and more. 

He saw me, he heard me and he knew me. He drew out the person I have been all along. By caring to truly know and understand me, the real me, he unknowingly gave me the greatest gift. For that, I’ll be forever grateful. 

When he saw me, I was able to see myself. When he heard me, I was able to hear myself. Because he cared to know me, I got to know myself again. He gave me back the confidence I never knew I lost. 

And if that’s not love, I don’t know what love it.

He told me he loved me once. He laughed it off and I let him. But I have always wondered if he meant it the way I wanted him to. I was scared to ask. Now I’ll never know. Maybe he didn’t know himself. But not every great love leads to romance. Not every great love ends in marriage. But every great love changes you. Every great love makes you stronger. And THAT is what makes it last forever. Even after he’s gone. 

Real love is not like it is in the movies. It’s so much more. Forget the fairytales and the sappy chick flicks and the far-fetched romance novels. Forget them all. Maybe the greatest loves are the ones that show you who you truly are. 

The greatest love teaches you to love yourself. Maybe that’s the important part.

I heard his name the other day. It felt like a punch deep in my gut. My tears stung as they flooded my eyes. I wish I didn’t feel his absence, but I do. I have felt it every single day. It’s been years now. 

I hope he’s happy. And I hope she makes him smile.

Life’s too short to be a doubter

Stop to listen and you’ll find

That although life is hard