Unbetitelt

Makes AU where Tim is out stalking Batman and runs into Talia Al Ghul who's like "'Who's goddamn white baby is that?" And ends up taking him like "Mine, apparently." And proceeds to raise him up alongside Damian.

Damian and Tim get into trouble together all the time and Ra's is THE tired grandfather who continuously finds Tim and Damian dumping goldfish and other small pets with short life spans in the Lazarus pit.

—

Jason is brought back and instantly has Tim annoying him with 101 questions and Damian who follows him around like "You know my Father?" And Jason is so done but also he has two baby brothers and f#%$ Bruce.

Tim: How'd you die?

Jason: Explosion.

Tim: Was it a big explosion?

Jason: Uh, medium explosion.

Tim: Who made the explosion?

Jason, in all his fifteen year old zombie glory: yoUR MO—

Smol Damian, running in with a sword: —TAKE ME TO OUR FATHER!!!

—

Tim, Damian, and Jason all hardcore trolling Ra's and annoying the league of assassins to no end.

—

Talia and Ra's doing that grandparent / parent thing where they debate whether one of the kids is gay or not, like not in a homophobic way but trying to figure it out before the kid does so they can be supportive and surprised but not to suprised.

Ra's, sipping tea: Timothy was staring at the ninjas training again.

Talia, stirring her tea: . . . Nunjas or ninjas?

Ra's: Both.

Talia: Hm...

Ra's: Surely we'd know if he was attracted to multiple genders?

Talia: He definitely is.

Ra's: Oh, I agree, daughter, but when do you think he'll figure that out?

Talia, watching out the window as Tim skateboards down a long rail before face planting into the ground, Jason laughing at him as Damian proceeds to scream for her:

Talia: It might take a while.

—

Cue Damian NOT understanding at all that he and Tim don't share a Dad, like he doesn't understand a literal THING and so refers to Bruce as his, Tim's, an Jason's Father no matter how much anyone corrects him.

Talia, applying sunblock to Tim because baby cannot tan: No, Damian, Timothy cannot go with you to Gotham.

Damian: Why not? Todd gets to live there.

Talia: Jason is an adult and your Father's adoptive son, Tim is my adoptive son, making them both your brothers, but you three do not share a Father.

Tim: I'm Fatherless :D

Talia:

Talia: Perhaps I can convince beloved that you are his as well...

Cue a time skip where Talia leaves Tim and Damian with Bruce for a safer, happier life than she can provide, entering Bruce confused why the Drake's missing son was taken by Talia and now dubbed his, but free children are free children.

—

Cue Damian and Tim being the biggest little sh!ts, swapping Robin mid patrol just to see how long it takes Bruce to notice, trolling Jason and Dick, and being general chaotic gremlins the whole time...

Damian, standing behind Bruce:

Tim, motioning him over from the shadows:

Damian, quickly running over to swap with Tim:

Bruce, thirty minutes later going: Wait a minute...

—

When Bruce "dies" Tim goes running to Ra's, all crying and yelling "GRANDFATHER!" and Ra's does not hesitate to f#&$ people up because dammit ONE of his grandchildren has to take over his ninja zombie cult, right? Right!? But he helps and f#&% b&#%#& up when Tim has to get his spleen removed.

—

Cue Damian and Tim napping on Ra's mid league meeting and Jason snickering from the side because Ra's has a baby backpack on his chest and smol Tim just thrown over his shoulder and sleeping peacefully as Ra's goes on about some terrorism acts.

—

Look, I just think it's neat U_U

Tim: I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!

Tim, running off, screaming:

Talia: . . . Not that talk, Timothy.

—

Ra's: Who broke the ancient artifact?

Damian: Depends, grandfather, are you mad?

Ra's: It has been in the family for six generations.

Damian: Hm. . . It was Todd.

Jason: WHAT!? Why not blame Tim!?

Damian: He has been here longer and taught me how to do a wheely! You have only whined about my Father!

Jason: It isn't WHINING!

Ra's, done with this bullsh–:

—

Talia, just getting Tim, cooing over him like he's a newborn baby: Aw, my little spy, little night owl, baby bird.

Ra's: Daughter, please, that's a ten year old who gathered enough evidence to single handedly end the detectives entire career and lock him in a prison so deep he'd be able to taste hell fire.

—

Bruce, one day into getting Damian (and Tim): . . .

Tim and Damian, sitting at the table:

Bruce: Talia only gave me one of you.

Tim: Which one?

Damian: Yes, which of us is the blood son?

Bruce:

Bruce, knowing if he gets this wrong he's royally f#-%#ed for life but he is also so sleep deprived:

Alfred, knowing that Tim snuck in an hour after Bruce and Damian arrived but free grandkids are free grandkids: Now now, back to breakfast.

Bruce: Hrn...

—

Tim, later the CEO of W.E., on call with Ra's: You wouldn't believe what Darwin from accounting tried to tell me, he said he needed leave for a visectomy, like please, I was back to the streets not even six hours after getting my spleen removed.

Ra's, playing online chess against Damian as they speak: Gothamites have no work ethic, detective, you'll learn that soon enough.

—

Tim, going from living in a mansion to a palace to a mansion, now waking up in his tiny little houseboat that is held together by trans tape and spite: Why the f&#% did I do this?

—

Dick, after Bruce "dies": Are you not even gonna fight to be Batman..?

Jason: I was in the league of Assassin's with Tim and Damian, I'm not about to get my a$# handed to me like that by a four foot goblin and a scrawny little stalker so I can dress up as a fury.

Dick: Damian isn't even trying to be Batman, he's to short...

Jason: And that leaves Tim, who has DAMIAN ON HIS SIDE! Dick you did not SEE WHAT THOSE MOTHERF#-%#S DID WITH SKATEBOARDS AND KATANAS! TIM BEHEADED THE MONA LISA ON WHAT TALIA CALLED A FIELD TRIP! HE AND DAMIAN HACKED THE PENTAGON AND RICK ROLLED ALL THE GOVERNMENT WORKERS!

Dick: . . . Are . . . are you okay?

Jason: No, also, I'm fine as Red Hood. I'll live longer this way. Those two weren't ever meant to get along and the fact that they do? May the gods help us all.

(Tim later gets tired of being Batman with Damian as his Robin and goes off to find Bruce, throwing the cowl at Dick and telling him good luck.)

—

Tim, upon seeing Bernard kick a cultists shins: You will meet with my Mother and Grandfathers' shortly to seek their approval for our marriage.

Bernard: What?

Tim, punching a cultist: Nothing.

Jack Drake: Oh. So these ones are you one. Damian really does have your face and Tim really looks like .... ... ... Janet? Dear, doesn't he look like Timothy?

Janet: o.O

and in explaining to her my interaction with the cat i put into words a thing i'd never put into words before, having always automatically understood what i was doing. But once i put it into words my mother said she'd never thought of that and it felt like something worth sharing here.

This cat did a typical cat thing where she sniffed my fingers i was holding out, and then acted like she wanted me to pet her, but then when i started to move to pet her, moved her head away slightly to prevent it.

I instinctively understand this interaction, and stopped trying to pet her and moved back to a neutral position and waited to see if she would re-initiate an interaction.

Because this is basically a consent test. This is how a cat can assess "how closely are you paying attention to what i'm telling you" and "how respectful of my boundaries are you".

If i am responsive to her yes/no game, moving to pet her when she indicates i can, stopping immediately when she seems to change her mind, then she knows she can trust me to understand her, and also to respect her choices. That's what i did, so then she knew she could trust me and relax around me and enjoy my company. She was actually a very friendly and social little cat, who clearly wanted to make friends with me.

But if i had insisted on trying to pet her when she seemed to change her mind instead of simply understanding that she didn't want to be pet in that moment, she would have known she couldn't trust me to understand or respect her, and she would have treated me like she has to treat 90% of the people who visit that house, evidently.

I work mostly with dogs these days, but i grew up with cats too, and am generally good with animals. Many shy animals will also do this same "sniff sniff okay touch me nope just kidding" routine, especially if they've had experiences with people that make establishing that kind of communication and trust important to them.

And in fact, a lot of animals will do some version of this kind of consent test in a whole variety of situations. When well socialized dogs do that thing where they are rough housing and then they both stop suddenly for a moment until one of them play bows or makes a little pouncing motion and then they fly back into rough housing mode, that's what they are doing, they are doing a consent check-in, like "whoah this is getting wild, are you still in? are we still playing, is this still a good time for you?"

Fact: a place without upright trees is not a forest. You don't call it a forest if the trees are lying down, or if it's just near a forest, or whatever.

Fact: when a tree begins to fall it is no longer upright.

Conclusion: a falling tree is by definition not located in a forest. When it begins to fall, it instantly becomes located in, idk, a small clearing or meadow or something.

Wizards have the same trust in magic that software designers have in software, which is to say, almost none at all.

“Are you fucking kidding me I worked in a reagrent shop for a few years I don’t trust any of that stuff. Who the hell knows what other components are in the ashes.”

“Yeah I was in the circle that made Alston’s Divine Circle of Teleportation. There’s some pretty nasty corner cases you can get into but the headmaster published it without us. I just take ships. It’s way safer.”

“I call bullshit on that Necromancer channeling spirits of loved ones. What did he say he was using? ‘Medium Conduit Ruinic Circles’? That’s just a bunch of buzzwords slapped together, and they don’t even interact with each other.”

*passes a scroll* *a few moments of silence*

“I think you missed a bookend rune right here-”

“GODS DAMN IT! IT’S ALWAYS SHIT LIKE THAT! THANK YOU!” *angrily scribbles on parchment*

And the update

I’ve been collecting the best Jorts tweets and waiting until the moment he showed up on my dash to post them. So here you are, the curated best of the past, oh, day or so:

Meanwhile, OP has continued tracking trash can mishaps on twitter:

And a quality photo of this sweet potato:

Link to the lovely video

There once was a ship that put to sea The name of the ship was the Jorts and Jean The ship she rolled and her closet doors closed Oh no, where’s Jorts? Oh no!

Soon may the smarter cat come To save poor Jorts so orange and dumb One day when the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go

When Pam came on, she had a plan To teach our Jorts about garbage cans Pam meant well but her plans fell flat When HR said, “don’t butter the cat”

Soon may the smarter cat come To save poor Jorts so orange and dumb One day when the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go

Now Jean the smart cat comes She saves poor Jorts so orange and dumb Now that the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go

We’ll take our leave and go

We’ll take our leave and go

Additional quality memes:

A recipe for Buttered Jorts:

Recent Jorts activities:

And some very wise words from the cat himself:

Pissing off people close to you or over-exhausting your social network or isolating yourself is often an inherent part of many mental health problems, addictions, etc. By the time people need care the most, they have often lost all their networks of affinity, and with some bad luck, any of us could find ourselves in that situation.

the whole premise of the games is all pageantry. every year you get a crop of 24 candidates around whom the entire state media apparatus dedicates an entire year to building celebrity narratives. this candidate is the younger sibling of last year's winner - these candidates are young lovers forced to compete - he's smart - she's fast - root for them, care about them, watch them, form opinions on them, bet on them. and then they stick them all in an arena to kill each other, which is a great entertainment premise, except that they make the arenas themselves really boring and generic. ooo, they're in...a forest.

it's not even an interestingly designed forest. imagine if the game designers treated their arena like an actual video game designer treats level design. discrete zones with multiple paths between each room, creative use of lighting to guide players to points of interest, points of interest scattered across the map, discoverable resources hidden to encourage exploration. instead they just have a generic outdoors location and if you get too close to the edge they throw a random fireball at you.

the 75th games are especially bad about this. the arena is laid out radially into 12 wedges, and each hour one wedge becomes especially dangerous in a 12-hour loop. as a mechanic, this is genius. it forces everyone to keep moving, making "survival by hiding" an engaging and tense viewing experience instead of someone sitting in a tree for three days. plus, it encourages players to return to the center of the arena, where travel time between wedges is short, which creates a high-value zone for players to regularly return to and conflict over. in other words, it's a mechanic which incentives players to adopt dramatic, dynamic, exciting behaviors which are entertaining to watch (not to mention it communicates geography to the audience well). but it only incentives those behaviors if the players understand what's happening, and they go out of their way not to tell the players anything! when they figure out what's going on, the showrunners spin the arena to disorient the players, like they're intentionally trying to get them to just. randomly wander the jungle instead.

this isn't even to mention how often they create undramatic, boring deaths. they plant poison berries around the arena. they supply no fresh water and no way to get it. they roll poison clouds over sleeping victims. these happen to work out in the books themselves but you have to imagine that extremely often these just result in players dying unexciting deaths.

the cardinal sin though, of course, is that nothing is done to personalize the arena for the crop of contestants that year. if i'm designing the 75th hunger games and two of my most beloved contestants famously had to cancel their wedding because of a return to the games, i would OBVIOUSLY give them a trail of, i don't know, wild game which conveniently leads directly past a well defended wedding chapel. will they hole up there for a while? hold a mock ceremony for themselves? do or receive ironic violence here? stare wistfully and move on? any of it is better television than getting attacked by generic attack monkeys. you should have a dozen of these things on the map for every single candidate. but the game makers are more interested in doing the same thing every other game has done than in telling a compelling story.

if you have a glass and it has some liquid in it, up to the halfway line, whether it is empty or full depends on what happened before the question was asked. if you started with a full glass and poured half out until only half remained, the glass is half empty, because if you continued pouring it would be fully empty. however, if you started with an empty glass and poured liquid from another container into the glass up to the halfway line, the glass is half full because if you continued pouring it would be all the way full. logical, no?

but it's different...in 2009, the responsibility is on dick to change, to gain damian's respect--which is how it should be, because dick is the adult and damian is the child (10 years old. that's a fourth grader) who is in his care. vs in 2011, the responsibility is more so on damian (the fourth grader) to change, to gain bruce's respect.

Batman and Robin (2009) #2

Dick: Who's gonna save him if we don't?

vs

Batman and Robin (2011) #2

Bruce: I'm afraid of what Damian could become without me around.

and

Batman and Robin (2009) #1

Damian: You can have my respect if you earn it, that's all I'm saying. You're not my father.

vs

Batman and Robin (2011) #4

Bruce: If you don't respect me, you won't ever respect yourself.

Damian: Do you respect me?

Bruce: If I can't trust you, I can't respect you.

 Usually, in a health relationship, the biological parent build trust with their child since birth and are aware of their individual needs. Trust and respect is build and can therefore be used to justify obedient behaviour from the child (e.g. go to bed at 10 pm, do your homework, do as I say in an emergency, …). However, a child’s obedience, trust and respect is generally perceived as a given for biological parents, without consideration of if it was build by the parent.

 Dick takes on the responsibility of the father figure while not intrinsically demanding aor being offered privilege over Damian. Damien’s gives the nearly cliché response of:  “You're not my father”. Towards the “adoptive” parent Damian intrinsically requests this relationship to be built (“You can have my respect if you earn it”).

 On the other hand, Bruce is perceived both by himself and by Damian to have these privileges as the biological parent. Here, Damian does not question that he has to respect Bruce, even though he did just criticise that Bruce just wants him to be obedient, but ask for reassurance/validation.

 In his “defence”, Bruce basically only acts as Damien’s biological parent in a way that would be generally perceived to be correct. He is basically doing a routine of: “I will let you have a sleepover if I can trust that you will behave yourself”, which would not be an unusual request for a 4th grader that you have known to occasionally bite people when they are upset. But that is undermined by the fact that at that point he does not have a well established (=biological parent) relationship with Damian.

 TLTR: Dick knows that he is the “stepparent” and both Damian and Dick act like it. Bruce is also basically a “stepparent”, but due to the way biological privilege over children is seen, both Damian and Bruce accept that Bruce’s authority over Damian is a given and not earned.