conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 62 (masterpost here)
Jason: no i've never gotten it either.
Tim: i mean, i do get it slightly? like... he can be intimidating sometimes? but then again that's B as a father figure; all dads can be scary towards their kids if they really need to be. from the perspective of a Justice League member? there's no logical reason as to why Superman would ever think Batman was scary.
Damian: are we sure them considering Father as their scariest member isn't simply a sarcastic inside joke within the group?
Dick: naw bub, it's real. i've seen Clark try to hide from him when he thought he'd 'wronged' B in some way. they're genuinely intimidated by him.
Damian, mystified: that's ridiculous, he isn't scary.
Jason: well- actually ok, i might get it. because he isn't scary to us; but maybe that's why he's so scary to the JL.
Dick: *snort* what, we made him scary?
Jason: i- you have to admit, like- like we have done some shit.
Jason: yeah, like- *laugh* maybe the thing is that we've pissed off Bruce so much over the years, that we've upgraded his ability to deal with things further than any normal human man should. like he has to try and be visibly angry enough for us to listen to him when he tells us to knock it off; when you start getting good at that level of intimidation, the fucking farm boy and ocean buddy with the big fork is like- it's gotta be child's play.
Dick: *cackle* ocean buddy with the big fork,
Jason, audibly holding back laughter: right but you see my point-!
Damian: i mean, does Father even get angry at us anymore? i feel like he's given up at this point. he just gets resigned; doesn't really try.
Tim: well that's the thing, i think we've perfected being disappointments so well as a group that he's lost the ability to get mad. he expects it; i can't imagine what we'd have to do to make him genuinely rageful nowadays.
Dick, thoughtful: yeah... we've definitely raised the bar.
Damian: you used to make him very angry before Jason died, right? so you two were the- you were the original-,
Tim, amused: the pioneers.
Jason, smug: we did perfect our methods. it's an art form.
Damian: yeah but was that an old skill or do you still manage it? because even i struggle to make him seething mad.
Tim: his tolerance has built up massively over the years...
Jason: yeah it's tougher. we still manage it sometimes, though.
Damian: what's the angriest you've ever made him?
Dick: oooh, good question...
Jason: you know what- genuinely? you'd think it would be something from the golden era; i reckon Dickie bird's was recent.
Dick: *casually surprised* oh you think? you think it was the thing from a few weeks ago?
Jason: oh 100%. he literally told you not to go home with him. i was impressed.
Dick: well- *snort* to be fair i'd been gunning for that all day; i wanted to go home but needed an excuse to ditch the manor.
Tim: wait what'd you do a couple weeks ago?
Dick: do you not remember- that gala where i was supposed to spend the night at the manor afterwards? but i ended up going back to Bludhaven instead?
Tim: wait- *pause* that was because Bruce told you you couldn't?
Damian: *in slight awe* ...Richard. what did you do.
Jason: *starting to laugh again* oh- oh man, i forgot you guys were in a different room- you didn't get to see it-!
Damian: the fuck did you see it? you're dead.
Jason: spray-on hair dye and a barkeeper outfit.
Dick: yeah he was so pissed off- it was on camera, too; like the press were actively filming. i think Bruce sued them for the footage.
Tim: what the fuck happened???
Dick: ok well- *sigh* there was this little old lady who was attending the event with her carer-, and i wanna be clear this lady was very sweet, she did not mean to be rude in any way, she was clearly just very confused,
Tim: *now audibly baffled* what the fuck could you possibly be building up to?
Dick: i just need you to understand that this was a very nice old lady who clearly had dementia and didn't mean to be rude.
Dick: well she was talking about her grandkids, so B started talking about his kids. And you know, he introduced me, and then he pointed out you and Tim in the crowd, and then Cass walked past with Duke so he told her they were his as well, and... i don't think she was all there in the head, you know? didn't remember that Bruce was famous for adoption. so she kinda went, like, 'you have a lot of them, don't you? are you sure they're all yours? they don't look much alike', which,
Jason: -bullshit, all four of us could enter a Bruce Wayne lookalike contest and draw for first.
Dick: -right, but also like, you gotta admit we're pretty fucking diverse for a single group of siblings, right?
Dick: yeah! anyway- so i could see Bruce kinda getting ready to laugh it off, right? and i- *snort* listen, i'd had a few.
Dick: -yeah, he is, and like i said i was already trying to look for an out of staying at the manor because i hadn't been home in a while and i was tired, so before he could say anything, i said- *abrupt wheeze*
Dick: i- *more laughter* *high pitched* i said,
Dick: *giggling* *hands slapping fabric* i wasn't thinking, and i just kinda came out with, 'it's his fetish, he's trying to get one of each race.' and-
Jason and Dick: *instantly lose it*
Jason: *loud laughter* THIS IS STILL- THIS IS STILL MY FAVOURITE THING-,
Dick: *incoherent crying*
Tim, incredulous: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!
Damian, with pure awe: that's... insane. making that joke on camera? in public?
Dick, weeping: n' he- he got so mad,
Jason, loudly: HE WENT BRIGHT RED, I THOUGHT- i thought he was going to hit him.
Dick: to this day i don't know how i managed to keep a straight face.
Tim: *stage whisper* what did he do??
Dick: he pulled me aside afterwards and- *wheeze* and he was like 'look i need some space from you right now, i think you should- *snort* i think you should get a different car and go home, and i'll just call you next week or something',
Jason: this is everything i aspire to achieve and more,
Dick: -and i was just like- i was like, 'yeah that's fair'- *breaks down into giggles again*
Tim: THAT'S FAIR- *wheeze* *cackling* fucking- 'i wouldn't wanna look at me either',
Dick: 'i get it, i hate me too',
Jason: i don't know- i don't know how he doesn't expect those sorts of jokes by now?
Dick: i don't fucking know how we keep coming up with them, it's like an endless well.
Jason: an endless well of making Bruce seem like a pervert just to piss him off- ah fuck.
Bruce, sternly: i'm tracking all of you. i know you're doing another four person stakeout-,
Dick, instantly: fuck- split, SPLIT-
Damian: what about the target?!
Jason: WHO GIVES A SHIT- JUST GO.
Bruce: for the last time, you cannot run from a PHONE CALL.
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