DC Comics (Sometimes Canon)

Jason: B and the kitchen are not a good combo. What did he feed you?

Damian: It was these pieces of chicken in the shape of dinosaurs. Where did he even find something like that?

Jason, laughing: I'm honestly not surprised you got dino nuggets, Bruce does love dinosaurs.

Damian: Tt, obviously, we had one in the bat cave, but why buy low quality chicken because it resembles a pre-historic beast?

Damian, just leaving: My girlfriend lives here.

Jason, now sitting straight up: excuse me? Who?

Damian: Nika, we have been together for months. Both parents have met her and approve!

Jason: Both parents! You found someone both Bruce and Talia like?

Damian: Nika has many talents, she is great with people.

Jason: Yeah, of course she is but your parents are terrible with people. Good for you Dames.

Damian: Well, I will be leaving now.

Jason: See ya.

-----

Roy: Yeah, he has been asking for advice all week, worried they're going to drink or have parties, or do dumb teenager things.

Dick: *snort* remember all the dumb things we did in the tower?

Roy: yeah, good times. Told Jason about that too and it didn't help.

Dick:... So we are totally going to mess with him, right?

Roy: yeah, man I already have a plan.

------

Roy: Hey Lian, for $20 can you tell Jason you think you might be pregnant?

Lian: ???

Roy: $40 if you get his face on video.

Lian: you have a deal.

------

Dick, on the phone: Hey Jason is freaking out, what did you do?

Roy, laughing: I paid Lian to create the first teen pregnancy scare in the tower. Jason is not finding this funny. The kids said he puked. I have a video, I will text it to you.

Dick: Alright Bruce, we did our own research on the Bat Computer Search history and we have some concerns.

Rest of Batchildren: *nods in agreement*

Bruce, slightly horrified: what did you find?

Dick: Well, first and foremost, the search "how many children does Bruce Wayne have?" Was a little concerning. How many children do you have Bruce?

Bruce, counting on his fingers: I think 7?

Dick: Close enough. Next we have "Batman and Superman passionate kiss" any explanation for that?

Bruce: not any good ones, no.

Tim: Okay, moving on, we have "what does Wayne Enterprises do?" Which I find concerning as the CEO and also "is it okay to do it with a super villain as long as they are really pretty?"

Jason: Is that how Damian was made?

Bruce, head in his hands: I don't know, I was having a crisis.

Jason: Well what I find most concerning on the whole list we found is "Do all zombies eat brains?" What's your explanation for that?!?

Bruce: When you first came back I had some concerns.

Dick: What does that mean?

Bruce: You know, I think you all need to stay out of my business and be grateful I let you use my very expensive technology.

Bruce: I was watching TV at Selina's and came up with a new way to rate your performance.

Alfred: *rolls in a chalkboard with pieces of paper arranged in a pyramid*

Bruce: At the bottom of the pyramid we have Jason. Jason, you killed a man this week.

Jason: Fair enough.

Bruce: Next, we have Stephanie. After the incident this week, I still have purple glitter in places where there should not be purple glitter.

Stephanie: That was my bad, I did not think the glitter would be as sticky as it is. I was trying a new glitter bomb design.

Dick: And on behalf of everyone who was there when it went off, it is not working.

Bruce: Next on the pyramid is Dick.

Dick: What do you mean I'm on the bottom row, I thought I was your favorite, the OG Robin!

Bruce: Well this week you caused substantial property damage by swinging from a chandelier through a window and doing a double flip. This was unnecessary and expensive.

Dick: I have a brand, am I supposed to fight crime without a dramatic flare?

Bruce: Yes.

Bruce: Duke, you are 3rd on the pyramid. I don't really see a lot of your patrol, but you haven't caused any noticeable problems, so you're my 3rd favorite this week.

Duke: Thank you...?

Bruce: Next is Damian, I am very proud that he made it a whole week with no murder or animal adoptions.

Damian: Thank you, Father.

Bruce: And at the top of the pyramid, for her flawless performance this week, is Cassandra.

Cass, nodding: Obviously.

Tim: Why am I not on the pyramid?

Bruce: Because you just got back from a week with the Titans and I have no data to add you to the pyramid yet.

Tim: This is a bad idea that will cause future problems and shenanigans.

Dick, tired after being awake on a mission for 36 hours: What are your questions?

Damian: Most families do not fight crime, instead they donate money to help people. Why are we on the streets every night when Father is very wealthy?

Dick: That is a great question, I have no clue. It's just always been our thing. Bruce feels as though this makes more of an impact, rather than spending money to improve things like access to food, jobs, education, and mental health care. Plus, we all kinda like the outfits.

Damian: Does he realize that we make very little impact and fight the same 12 villains over and over?

Dick, now having an existential crisis: Look, do you want to be able to own a sword or not?

Dick: What's going on?

Hal: We are betting who can hug Batman the longest. I think I could for a solid 4 seconds before he yelled at me.

Oliver: I think 10 seconds and a kiss on the check.

Barry: I think I could for 15 seconds and get away fast enough to avoid the disapproving glare.

Dick: I'd like to play. I bet I could hug Batman for a full minute and that he will hug me back.

Hal: No way.

Barry: Well, it is your funeral.

Oliver: Let's see it Nightwing, he will be here any minute now.

---

Bruce: *Walks in and is immediately tackled into a hug by Dick*

Bruce: *sighs and hugs him back*

Hal, Barry, and Oliver: *frozen in shock*

Tim: Are we going on a mission?

Bruce: No, this is a different matter...*sigh*... we have to talk about the Batcomputer search history.

Batkids: *frozen in horror*

Dick: What do you mean search history? I thought the computer was super encrypted and stuff.

Bruce: Well, it seems that several of you thought that and now we have to have this conversation.

Bruce: Who searched for "murder suspects near me"? You are fired.

Jason: It was a long weekend, I was trying to speed up the process.

Bruce: Next we have "vacation homes in California" which would not be a problem had one not been embezzled in the batarang budget.

Tim: It was worth a try.

Bruce: Well now you will be taking over my patrols while I am in my new vacation home.

Tim: Fair enough.

Bruce: And finally we have "how to adopt many turtles without father finding out" followed by "how to train a violent turtle army."

Damian: Who could have search for that?

Bruce: I found the turtles Damian.

Damian: They will be a great asset on patrol.

Green Arrow: How did you meet Batman?

Nightwing, still mad the Bruce left his kids at his apartment and they ate the last of his cereal: He followed me for weeks, took hundreds of videos of me during my everyday life and then used photo shop to make it look like I was Batman and then threatened to reveal this to the public if I didn't follow him back to his cave and go through his initiation rituals.

Green Lantern: Wow, so what did you do before?

Nightwing: I helped the unfortunate.

Green Lantern: How nice. Just curious, what were the initiation rituals?

Nightwing: I really can't say, just know that it involved a donkey, 365,000 sticky notes, a sword, 8 boxes of high fiber cereal, and one of those toasters that cook hot dogs.

Flash: What?

Dick, at dinner in the manor.

Tim, on his phone.

Bruce: No phones at the dinner table.

Dick: ?!? When I was a kid, we didn't even sit at the table. We ate dinner on the floor of the Batcave while playing COD on the Batcomputer.

Jason:

Tim: Well, I copied Jason.

Steph: I copied Tim.

Damian: I just thought it was a thing you did in this family.

"What's Donna Troy's backstory in the Comics?"