Alms4Oblivion

The last two images are the wonderful @princington's drawings of scenes from A Practical Guide to Getting Out of the Friend Zone and See You In Our Dreams, respectively (posted with permission).

Sketch of Viscount Bridgerton by frost22 on Bluesky

So a couple quick disclaimers before we get started.

First, last time around, some people seemed to have difficulty distinguishing between when I was stating a fact, and when I was stating an opinion. The reason I cite to so many of prince's posts is so you can look and decide for yourselves what you think of the actual "facts" of the story. I am not prince, I cannot read prince's mind, and I am not writing this story. I am just someone who loves prince's work and who loves to analyze stories. So everything I say here is me describing my views and thoughts.

Second, some people also found it very distressing that I presented my analysis the way that I did, so let me explain what you're in for. When I get excited about a fic, I like to talk about it. I like to theorycraft. I like to look for details, and pull them apart, and see where they go, and when I come up with an idea about how everything fits together, I say what I think. In my excitement, I rarely bother to qualify that by saying "I think maybe X," I just say the thing I believe. Sometimes I engage in hyperbole and take ideas to the extreme and I trust that my readers can recognize when I'm doing that and will not conclude, for example, that I secretly hate Zoey if I happen to criticize something she does in extreme terms. If all that sounds like it would be upsetting to you, I want you to know that I completely understand. There's a button in the drop down menu called "not interested in this post," and I invite you to press it and keep scrolling.

Because the reason I love these characters so much is that I have been in a lot of rooms where people told me I was too much, that I was too abrasive, that I needed to make myself smaller, to hide who I really was, to soften how I talk and downplay my ideas in order to be accepted, and I did, for a very long time. In some places in my life, unfortunately, I still have to. But I'm not going to do that here. Not in this fandom, for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who cares about these characters. So if my style in these posts is not your cup of tea, I promise I'm not offended. Please keep scrolling and read prince's stuff and don't worry about what I think.

Everyone else? Let's do this.

Why Aren't We Done With The Angst?

Because nothing's resolved. We just saw posts in which Rumi hid a major award from Zoey and Mira, had multiple phone calls ignored while Zoey and Mira enjoyed their night without a thought for Rumi or Myung-soo (Rumi and Zoey's son), Zoey had someone else send the wrong flowers to congratulate Rumi in an incredibly impersonal way, then Rumi missed a call, ignored others, Zoey refused to leave a message, then when Zoey called the next day she handed the phone off to someone else to hang up on Rumi mid-sentence, then Mira called Rumi to call her out for hiding the award (and talked over her during) while Rumi pretended like she thought the flowers counted as a genuine congratulations…

And then they had A Talk. Yes, they said some lovely words to each other. But how much of all that did they address?

…almost none of it. Rumi, covering up her flower tattoos of every flower Zoey ever gave her, crossing her arms like she does when she feels attacked, said that she lied because she didn't want Zoey to miss the opportunity to headline a show. And that's it. Even assuming that what Rumi says is true, the fact of that manipulation by Rumi and lack of trust it represents is never addressed. Rumi's minimization of her own feelings and accomplishments is not resolved. Zoey not answering Rumi, or returning her calls, or taking the time to actually order flowers personally is not addressed. Neither is the fact that Mira was right there with Zoey and had plenty of time to send photos of her and Zoey together and post at least one to IG, but no time to call Rumi himself.

This is a "papering over" conversation. Everyone reaffirms their love, the biggest surface level issue is discussed, and no one pushes deeper, and nothing changes. The cycle continues unless everyone does the hard work of taking the time, next time they're together, to actually revisit these painful moments and talk them out. Do you have any confidence any of them will actually do that? I don't. Zoey and Rumi especially, despite their deep and genuine love for each other, have exhibited HUGE communication issues, and the last couple days of posts have only reinforced those. So. Let's talk, one at a time, about Rumi and Zoey.

Why is Rumi Like That?

Rumi is not doing OK. She's lied about her feelings. She broke a promise to Zoey (the nature of which we don't know for sure yet). She's hidden important facts from Zoey and Mira. She hasn't communicated about any of the things that are clearly bothering her. But she lies and fails to communicate for two specific purposes: to make herself smaller, and to make Zoey happier. Rumi has no issue talking about her transphobic metaphorical sperm donor Suho, so it's not that she's unwilling to discuss her feelings generally. She has been specifically unwilling to draw positive attention to herself, and averse to doing anything that will make Zoey unhappy or upset unless she literally has no choice because she's backed herself into a corner.

So what gives? I suspect the answer to that is going to be one of the key throughlines in this story, so let's look at some options.

Option 1: Rumi Is Just Like That Because She's Rumi

I've seen a lot of people say that Rumi is 100% at fault for her behavior and everything wrong in this relationship, and suggest that Rumi is like this because that's Rumi! Hiding her faults and fears, right? I don't think so.

In canon, Rumi doesn't come up with the need to hide her faults and fears. It's a learned behavior. Celine teaches her to act that way. Do you think Celine in this fic taught her that? Loving, caring Celine, whom Rumi goes to even when she's upset with Mi-yeong, who has never once said anything close to that to this Rumi as far as we've seen? I don't buy it.

Option 2: Rumi Is Like That For a Specific Mystery Reason

I've seen some people propose that Rumi is Like This because of some specific past trauma, or series of traumas, that carries over into the present. I've sometimes seen this presented as an explanation for why Zoey is completely blameless, such that the story is really about how Rumi is at fault for failing to adequately process her trauma. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, and I think that this could easily be part of the explanation.

One version of this is a past relationship. It's confirmed in tags that they dated other people after Rumi and Jinu broke up and before they got together.

get loved gayboy : [pre-established zumi] the moment i

So it's entirely possible that Rumi had one or more bad relationships that made her uncomfortable celebrating herself or doing something she knew would make her partner unhappy.

Another alternative, and one I'm personally partial to, is that Rumi being trans is the reason for some or all of this. @/dreampaladin has noted, and I agree, that this potentially "deepens her need to hide, to pull away, for fear of being hurt, for not being enough of a woman for zoey."

I would personally love to see more about Rumi's transition and the impact on her.

But I don't believe this is the only reason, nor the one that is currently motivating things. If Zoey and Rumi have been in a healthy, loving relationship with no serious issues for several years (or at least, none Zoey could see), why is Rumi's emotional trauma related to her transition coming to the forefront now?

get loved gayboy : behind the scenes

On a more meta note, Rumi's transition has not been a huge point of focus so far (though that could change), which also suggests, for the time being, it's not going to be the exclusive explanation.

Option 3: Rumi Is Like That Because She Feels Emotionally Unsafe With Zoey In Certain Circumstances

Now we're getting somewhere. The biggest piece of evidence in support of this option is Zoey's reaction to Rumi's hiding her award, and how Rumi reacts in turn. When she's talking to Mira, Zoey appears sad and concerned:

get loved gayboy : behind the scenes

But once Zoey gets Rumi on the phone, it's a different story. Zoey calls a little more than 30 seconds before she has to go on stage (or possibly five minutes, with four and a half minutes of conversation happening offscreen), which is not a recipe for an in-depth conversation either way. We can tell it's Zoey who called because of the exclamation point after Rumi's response, and the fact that Rumi is asking Zoey to wait so she can get Myung-soo. If Rumi called and wanted Myung-soo to talk to Zoey, she'd already have him in hand. Zoey tells Rumi it wasn't Rumi's decision to make to keep the award from Zoey. Then Zoey, having set up a situation where she knew she could not finish the call, hands the phone off to Mystery to hang up on her wife. Mystery objects, because Rumi is still on the line! Rumi refuses to acknowledge that Zoey has done something hurtful, and says she'll call back.

get loved gayboy : "We're not done talking about this."

Zoey's anger is very understandable, and we'll talk about the timing and the choice to hang up more when we get to her, but I don't think her anger is productive. I actually think it's a big part of the reason Rumi hid the award, and I think it's why she will continue to make herself smaller in future and continue to hide things from Zoey.

Let's say, hypothetically, that all Rumi needs to fix her problem is a stern talking to, clear communication. For Zoey and Mira to say they want to celebrate her, and tell her unequivocally to tell them about things like that next time. If that does the trick, then we're done! Angst over! Hooray! …I don't think it will do the trick. After all, Zoey "doesn't understand why" Rumi wouldn't tell her, because Zoey's told her… we don't hear the answer, but I'm guessing that the rest of the sentence is "she wants Rumi to tell her about things like this."

get loved gayboy : i saw my hope slip away

So why hasn't telling Rumi to do these things led to her doing them? For the answer, let's look at how their responses feel to Rumi.

From Rumi's perspective, what is the immediate emotional consequence of Mira and Zoey finding out about the award? Rumi gets scolded. She's told she did something wrong. Zoey withholds affection and has someone else hang up on Rumi mid-sentence. Rumi takes this in stride, like she expected it and accepts it. Like it's happened before.

Then Mira calls and talks over her. Rumi doesn't roll over like she did for Zoey; she interrupts right back. Mira seems offended that Rumi is surprised by the call, even though this is the first time we've seen Mira call Rumi on the trip. Rumi points out that Mira is busy, but there's more to it than just the words exchanged:

get loved gayboy : "I know. After this show, we'll talk. I promise."

The framing in that post is so fascinating and tells us so much about both Mira's attitude towards Rumi and Rumi's towards Mira as opposed to Zoey. Look at Mira at the start: she's even more closed off than Rumi! Her back is to the viewer. Her arm is crossed in front of her, in a very similar posture to Rumi's classic defensive stance. And of course it is: she's upset, and feels like Rumi isn't treating her like a true partner! But then look at Rumi. Her posture isn't defensive at all (yet). It's open. Relaxed. Arm at her side. She's got this adorable faint smile on her face when Mira calls her his girlfriend. Compare that to when Zoey called earlier and Rumi didn't answer (we don't have Rumi's face in the call where Zoey hangs up on her):

get loved gayboy : i saw my hope slip away

Compared to how she looks when even THINKING about talking to Zoey, Rumi is practically glowing when Mira calls. At first. Then Mira wants to talk about the award. Mira's trying in the next panel. Their posture is open; the viewer can see her in profile. She's not smiling, but not frowning either; his face is relaxed, because he's making a bid for connection now, not expressing resentment at Rumi.

Now look at Rumi in the last panel. Mira's talking about celebrating her and NOW Rumi is closed off. Defensive posture. Back to the viewer. Dismissing the need for congratulations because she "got your flowers" (Mira's flowers, or Mira's and Zoey's?). Because while Mira thinks he's making a bid for connection, Rumi experiences it as something else entirely.

When Rumi lets Mira and Zoey find out about the award, both of them tell her she did something wrong at a time when she is emotionally vulnerable, already knows she did something wrong, and already did not feel emotionally safe enough to share about the award.

In other words, if we're talking gut level, Pavlovian response, when Rumi lets Zoey (and now Mira) find out about good things that happened to her, she is made to feel bad. I don't think it matters to Rumi that the core reason she feels bad is her lack of communication and not the fact of receiving recognition. If it did, we wouldn't be seeing this unhealthy behavior pattern. If Rumi associates her pain with receiving attention or recognition, wouldn't that make her less likely to seek it out in the future? If that's right, I would expect to see Rumi be even MORE closed off in the future, not less, when it comes to this sort of thing until Mira and Zoey change their approach.

There's also the possibility that Rumi judges the likelihood of success in asking for things by how likely she is to receive more basic needs. For example, if Rumi is in pain (which I think she is), and her immediate emotional need is for people not to hurt her, and then Zoey and Mira hurt her more, why would she feel like she can ask for more than that? Why would she ask to be celebrated? Why would she expose herself to not only the pain of being hurt unintentionally, but the additional pain of Zoey and/or Mira not being able to honor that request? I don't mean to suggest that these are correct or positive thought processes, but if Rumi is spiraling, I think this might be the direction in which she would spiral.

And finally, is it worth it? What evidence does Rumi have that she will be celebrated in a way that actually feels good if she tells Zoey? Well, we only have the present to make inferences about the past, and in the present, Zoey offloads some of the mental burden of doing things for Rumi to Bobby. Bobby suggests flowers, and Zoey responds "Just because?" As if they've done this before, Bobby suggesting Zoey do things for Rumi, and Zoey agreeing.

get loved gayboy : the rust that grew between telephones

But if they have done this before, it certainly hasn't done anything to make Rumi feel celebrated. Because Bobby doesn't know the right flowers to send.

If this is something that has happened before, then Rumi's expectation for the "upside" of telling Zoey about her accomplishments is that she'll get flowers from Zoey's assistant that remind her Zoey is too busy to celebrate Rumi herself. If you were Rumi, and the best celebration you could hope for was that, would you lean into that, or avoid it? If you could avoid it without Zoey finding out, would it feel better to hide your accomplishments, to have no acknowledgment at all, than to have a sign that the love of your life couldn't be bothered? After all, if Rumi has been doing this, then she's been successfully hiding her accomplishments (and avoiding Zoey's wrath for hiding them) for years.

get loved gayboy : behind the scenes

Have I mentioned that Rumi stutters when she's upset in a situation where she can't say out loud that she's upset?

get loved gayboy : crestfallen on the landing

I wonder if there are any scenes where Rumi implies that her expectation of a celebration is no greater than being sent the wrong flowers?

get loved gayboy : "I know. After this show, we'll talk. I promise."

Hey, I wonder if Zoey has ever doubted out loud whether Rumi actually knows that Zoey loves her? I wonder if Rumi has ever said out loud that she believes she loves Zoey more than Zoey loves her in a circumstance where she could act like she didn't mean it if anyone ever called her on it?

So if I'm right…we've got a long way to go. Because that would mean Zoey doesn't even understand her role in this cycle, much less how to stop it.

Which brings us to…

Why Is Zoey Like That?

Yes, I have a tendency towards hyperbole, and yes, I've probably said some things about Zoey that came off as extreme, but I love Zoey. I identify so, so much with this character, and I think there are some wonderful, painful, and hopefully healing things for her down the line. But for now, I think Zoey has done a lot of things that hurt Rumi over and over again in a very short span of time, and I want to talk about why that might be. First, a quick roundup of recent events.

She didn't answer the phone when Rumi called, even though Rumi is watching over Myung-soo.

get loved gayboy : runway ready

She went the whole night with Mira hanging out, eating dinner, and cuddling in bed without once calling Rumi back.

get loved gayboy : i.m.mira: thank god for late night ny diners

get loved gayboy : the rust that grew between telephones

If Bobby hadn't called, it appears Zoey and Mira would have gone to bed without even thinking about calling Rumi or texting her. But "it's Bobby," so Zoey was willing to pick up. "It's Rumi" was not a reason for her to put things off and answer the phone, but "it's Bobby" is. (We've already talked about the flowers)

When she got angry and was being called to stage, she hung up on Rumi.

So, what are some possible explanations for all of this?

Explanation 1: ZOEY IS THE WORST, A MALICIOUS EVIL VILLAIN, THE AWFULEST PARTNER IN THE WORLD!!!

…sorry, some people have tried to tell me that I think this, so I had to include it. I'm not going to waste much time on it. I'm sure there are lots of awesome stories to be told with evil!Zoey or bad partner!Zoey, but I don't think this is one, and I see no evidence of maliciousness by Zoey. To the contrary, she is extremely thoughtful and caring, and fairly perceptive when it comes to recognizing Rumi's moods, even if she can't identify their cause, when she is in Rumi's presence or can give Rumi her undivided attention. We'll come back to that.

Explanation 2: Zoey is in love

I've seen some people posit that Zoey is just so deep in the joy of a new relationship that she is blind to Rumi's pain and Rumi's needs. I don't think this is implausible, and I think that Zoey has certainly seemed to be distracted by Mira. But this feels like it's only one degree removed from "Zoey is a bad partner." Because if you're ignoring your wife and kid because you're with your other partner? Not even calling her back or texting after she's called multiple times? Your mileage may vary, but I don't buy that when we have contrary evidence that she can at least try to attend to Rumi's emotional needs (in person) even when Mira is in the picture, and even though Rumi makes it difficult by shutting down:

get loved gayboy : "I promise."

Explanation 3: Zoey forgot her wedding ring

I'm sorry, that's not really the explanation, but it leads me to one:

get loved gayboy : the rust that grew between telephones

Zoey isn't wearing her wedding ring here. Why is that? It's not like Zoey would take it off to avoid being reminded of Rumi. In fact, there are other instances where Zoey isn't wearing her ring, including in front of Rumi, so I don't think this is intentional by her (assuming it's even intentional by prince, I'm sure it's tough to remember to draw the ring every time!). But this got me thinking about Zoey taking off her wedding ring and forgetting to put it back on, and that got me thinking about this:

Real Explanation 3: Zoey has ADHD (or AuDHD)

For some people with ADHD, object permanence is a myth. It can be hard to keep track of multiple priorities, to the point where you can sometimes only focus on what's the next thing. And if you're presented with two things at once, equally urgent? You have to make a snap decision as to which is most important to get done, because there's a good chance you'll forget the other one immediately. I'll give you an example.

Let's say you're on a business trip, and your wife calls, and you have multiple people depending upon you who are in the room with you to do something immediate and time sensitive and you're not sure why your wife is calling but it's probably fine and CHOOSE NOW OK, you chose the thing in front of you, that's fine you'll call back later, you just have to focus on the next thing. Except then the next thing is getting changed. And then the next thing is your girlfriend who's right in front of you and looks so cute. And then the next thing is you're hungry, so you need to find somewhere to eat. Was there something else you were supposed to do? Oh, food's here. Oh, a fan wants to take a picture, that's great! Gosh, it's late, you're feeling pretty tired, time to drive home. Gotta shower, better take off your wedding ring first, don't want to lose that, you'll just set it down on the counter, you're so glad your girlfriend bought better soap, you hate hotel soap, you wonder where she got it, you sing in the shower, you dry off, you put on robe, hey what happened to your wedding ring? It's late, probably you should get to bed, are you forgetting something? You'll deal with it in the morning, whatever it was, oh look, Bobby's calling!

And that's how you go an entire day without calling your wife back or checking on your kid.

The next day you're about to go out on the runway, and everything is so fucked, and you need to talk to your wife, you NEED to, everything is going to shit, and maybe she's mad at you for not realizing, you didn't ask, you didn't call her at all yesterday, you forgot, you fucking forgot, how the fuck could you forget, how could you not remember to call her, how did she not tell you this, you have to call her, fuck how long you have left before you go on, you HAVE to call her, you HAVE to talk to her, THAT'S the most important thing right now, fuck she picked up…and it's not going well. And now you have to go. And she's making fucking excuses again, and she broke her fucking promise, and you can sit there and listen to her bullshit and you know you'll say something you regret if you do because you're so angry and these assholes are going to shout at you that you have to go on so you say "fuck it" and hand the phone off to Mystery, you'll call her back later.

And that's how you accidentally confirm to your wife that your job matters more than she does.

But that's OK; she thinks so too.

Anyway, all this makes me think about one of the worst things I think an ADHD person's partner can say to them:

"If you cared, you would have remembered."

...

Enjoy the fluff era while it lasts!