Anything's Possible If You've Got Enough Nerve

The work is tagged as smut.

Yet, there is a comment: "a bit smutty, but I can forgive that."

Yet, there is a comment: "Pretty good, a bit short though."

Stephen Colbert: A lot of writers say they were nerdy kids, unpopular, like outcasts, or that sort of thing; was that your experience growing up?

BJ Novak: I think that’s exaggerated, I think a lot of people love to say, ‘oh I was such a nerd’ or ‘I was such a rebel, I sat in the back of the bus’. Most people sat in the middle of the bus. That’s how buses work. So, you know, people say-

Colbert: So you were sitting in the middle?

Novak: Yeah, that’s where I sat! I mean, I did my homework and y'know, dreamed of being a bit of a rebel. I did a very nerdy version of rebellion, which I guess is sort of my way of balancing where I sat on the bus. When I was 14, I got it in my head that I wanted a fake ID. and I committed what- the only term for it is ‘identity theft’, to get this fake ID. So this is the kind of nerd- I’ve never told this story before, this is pretty much the nerdiest way you can be like, ‘a bad kid’. I went to the Newton library where I grew up, and I went through their polling records… buckle in.

Colbert: I think you’ve already - just that sentence has violated a federal law, but go ahead.

Novak: Yeah, there’s a handful of these, and I actually tried to google the statute of limitations on this before the show and couldn’t get the WiFi.

Colbert: Okay.

Novak: So I looked up -this is true- I looked up someone that was 21 years old, through their polling records.

Colbert: And you’re 14.

Novak: I was 14 years old, I looked up someone who was 21 who had my same first name and initial, because I thought, “if I get drunk” -I had never been drunk. I was like, “if I forget my name, I can’t get busted”. So I found someone who was “Benjamin J. [something]”. So I found this guy’s name and I thought, “if I can just forge all his documents, I can go to the DMV and say I lost my license and they’ll give me a new license with his picture”, this is my plan.   So first I need to know where he’s born so I can get his birth certificate, so I call his house. I ask for him, I don’t know what i would have done, I get his brother and I say “I work with Ben, we’re doing a crossword puzzle based on his life for his birthday. Can you tell me what town he was born in?’. So he told me and I took the subway there and I got his birth certificate.

Colbert: How- You went to the- You went to like the county clerk and said-

Novak: They didn’t ask for ID, they just gave me his birth certificate. Then I opened up a mailbox in his name and wrote- I was 14, I didn’t know what i was doing- I wrote to the IRS.

Colbert: Uh-huh…

Novak: And I filled out tax forms in his name. And then I went to the DMV and said “I lost my wallet and I need to-this is all i have”. And i looked 14 years old, but I had these documents, so they sent me to the backroom with this woman who sized me up and said “I can’t give you this, you don’t even have a picture”, and then said with a wry smile on her face, “Open your wallet right now.” and like a true method actor, the only thing I had in my wallet was a library card I had signed in his name. And she approved it, and for the rest of high school I had this actual driver’s license, with my picture on it. [audience cheering] Novak: I’m glad we have some support. You have a look on your face- I don’t know if that was funny or if you just broke the law…

Photography was an important tool in the 19th century to capture images of people who could not afford a formal portrait, and before affordable, portable cameras became a thing, a person may only be photographed after they died. These were shared as mementos with friends and family, and were not seen as creepy because these folks were much more accustomed to death than we are today.

Photography was also a new and arduous process, however, so modern folk often see people looking sickly or uncomfortable and assume that they are dead. This is often not the case. Please consult this list before passing judgement.

Is your person actively in a coffin or lying stiffly on a couch? This person is probably dead.

Is your person a baby with their eyes closed? This person is possibly dead, but watch out, they could also be sleeping. Babies do that.

Is your person cadaverous, but still has some light in their eyes? This person is actively dying and their family brought the photographer in while they still could.

Is this person standing stiffly and awkwardly, with a stand visible in the background? This person is alive and opted to have the photographer give them aid in standing still. Without modern embalming, a stand is not enough to prop up a lifeless body.

Is your person missing a head? This person is alive and had a sense of humor. Mabel paid extra for this. You go, Mabel.