A Journal of Conscious

my ship, trajectory set route mapped

sailing rough seas of karmic debt to another whom i utterly despise

my ultimate archenemy within the entire akashic record

and yet now we share close quarters

my fated task - caring for her before she inevitably dies

i hold no love or respect for this personal villain

she is neither family or friend

just a selfish tyrant seeking my involuntary subjugation

to support her rank gluttonous lifestyle

if the goal here was facilitating empathy or forgiveness

for her demon's resume of sins

that objective has failed

she torched my wooden tower of self-identity long ago

watching it burn to ash and cinder with ruthless zeal

like a vindictive spoiled child

thus, i hold fast

shielding myself from gaslighting and rampant manipulation

until a single piece of straw breaks this camel’s back

finally freeing me from toxic indentured servitude

fuck her and fuck these circumstances

time to reclaim my freedom of personal choice

exit...stage left

living on a razor’s edge in uncertainty

my challenge of simple subsistence

three decades of self-imposed financial starvation

punishment for trespasses long since forgiven

but never fully forgotten

so familiar with scarcity and lack

that i fear abundance and prosperity

forty years of intensive self-repair

to restore self-esteem and personal worth

how to shift my vibration to a frequency of affluence?

perhaps manifesting

a definitive physical expression of inner value

is the most effective solution here

thus, permanently registering

that change of economic resonance into being

one thing is for certain:

building a foundation

of material self-worth is imperative

what can i really do here? how can i affect change without any logistical power or influence?

i seek help from intangible forces which dwarf the dense lower circumstances which currently trap me. specifically, i ask for the financial means to break these chains binding me to an already ill-fated outcome.

i struggle to emancipate myself from a narcissistic tyrant, and yet am somehow still expected to say fare thee well on her swift journey into the afterlife.

i hold no remorse for anything i’ve said & how i’ve truthfully characterized her to others. indeed, she is a consummate liar, egocentric monster & terrible person.

she also receives no quarter or deathbed absolution for blatantly betraying my honor, loyalty & good intentions over time.

thus, i simply offer this vacuous sendoff with no emotional energy wasted on any crocodile tears to appease her blissfully ignorant friends or extended family.

goodbye, good luck to you, & good fucking riddance.

raw passion hidden under layers of pain and trauma

yet a glimmer of hope lies in someone close at hand

even though his vibration seems vaguely familiar

hypervigilant defenses still protect this fragile heart

self-reliance is king

independent of unnecessary help or support from the enemy

men cannot be trusted no matter what

and yet he lingers still offering respect, kindness and support

even after years of overt standoffish deflection

a soft golden light penetrates heavy fortifications of self-protection

gently opening clenched fists with love and forgiveness

he has always been here watching over me

why can't i just let him go?

negotiating baseless anxiety and neediness

i gave away pieces of myself without counting their true cost

bleeding out raw emotions of priceless value over those who didn't care

and for what… altruistic satisfaction?

my white knighthood and naiveté

only matched

by blind loyalty towards those who would invariably betray me

there is no salve for these salted wounds burning with hindsight

just to clarify,

no special dispensation for another’s past trauma

ever justifies enduring such poor treatment in return

i am antonymous to any of your personal demons

nor deserve hostile deflection

by your unconscious self protection against them

my code of interpersonal ethics forbids these violations

henceforth, you cannot pass beyond the gate

the way is shut

it was made by those who are dead and they keep it

your standoffish defensive posture is unnecessary

and demands a strict zero tolerance policy

(as dictated by the code)

once again, you shall not pass

the way is shut

approaching you, i hesitate… offering the trust of a child

will it be honored or betrayed again for conceit, vanity and control?

i want to believe your intentions are honest

yet no evidence clearly indicates that as truth

do you recognize my purity of spirit and innocence?

do you see the love and fear in my eyes?

vulnerability has exposed my soul’s hidden treasure:

tenderness of heart

will you wield this precious gift as a Morgul blade

or faithfully guard and protect it with integrity?

i have no more defenses here; they are all but destroyed

there is nowhere left to hide from love’s coruscation

its crackling fire still burns beyond the gate

therefore, let your intentions be known

and your actions speak definitively to my soul

with no more doubt or uncertainty

let my longstanding wish be granted

that implicit trust finally be restored between us

the following is my code of interpersonal ethics. it was established to address oversights regarding past interactions with women (& others). these guidelines serve to protect my recently restored self-integrity & personal dignity. they are are listed below in ranked order:

1. always extend common courtesy

2. always practice fairness

3. give respect to receive it

4. trust is earned, not given

5. reserve judgment until it’s warranted

6. always maintain healthy boundaries

7. equal reciprocation is mandatory

8. never tolerate manipulation

9. never compromise self-integrity

10. always preserve personal dignity

i’ve spent four decades painstakingly rebuilding a healthy baseline of self-esteem. thus, my blood oath is that nobody will take it away from me again - ever.

women abused are survivors scarred

their anger, an elemental force of Nature

silent rage born from unspeakable trauma of all types

men represent the enemy - no matter their true intentions

we pose a threat and cannot be trusted

a mother's love for her child

hardwired maternal instinct of fight over flight

she will literally die to protect her young

primal response to physical danger

masculinity guarantees imminent guilt until innocence is proven

and yet my own abuse at the hands of a female

also demands that same level of instinctive self-protection

accordingly, are all men still predatory villains to be shunned and despised?

role reversal of predator and prey forces reevaluation

of societal judgment on domestic violence stereotypes

my trust in women long since destroyed by an act of childhood insidious betrayal

how to restore it again?

small gestures of good faith help to reinforce shared assurance

by establishing a level playing field between us

key questions:

does she know my willingness to perish for her?

does she feel my soul's undying love for her?

does she sense my commitment to be her ally and partner?

my honor and loyalty are unassailable

and yet - implicit trust mutual respect

these must both be nurtured above all else

thus, i am laying their foundation brick by brick

one catechism remains:

will she reciprocate and help build this stronghold of togetherness?

only time will tell

my heart an iron fortress fortified with weapons of tempered steel

tall ramparts of cold stone protect this soul's keep

no access or quarter for any enemies who may attack

i will outlast them

unexpectedly soft golden light gently infiltrates its secure perimeter

casting a glow of empathy and passionate devotion

at the inner gate

you cannot pass the way is shut

it was made by those who are dead and they keep it

but emotions prevail nonetheless

filtering through the smallest cracks in my heavy childhood armor

this coruscation of love and warmth suddenly ignites a blazing campfire

just beyond the gate

there it remains, crackling with flames of trust and forgiveness

a reminder of past covenants shared and present healing surrender

that small pyre burning steadily into the long night

waits for dawn to break with brilliant light

let the new day come

thy will be done

my quiet voice, a childhood motivator, whispered words of encouragement

softly into my ear for decades

urging me to terraform an inner landscape of scorched earth

into lush forests and green fields

many controlled emotional burns were completed to achieve this goal

and yet

progress remained incremental until my heart was fully awakened

now i stand here with no shadow of ego identity left to haunt me

that subtle guide (a prime mover)

continues to urge me towards change and growth

its confident tone reverberating through the halls of my inner truth

i offer gratitude for this support

in full restoration of self-worth and precious self-integrity

thank you from the bottom of my heart

in darkness

gnashing teeth of my own rage tore away flesh from bone

rendering me a decrepit skeleton held together by sinewy rope

bloodied from young hands grasping for fear of falling into uncertainty

marionette of femurs, phalanges and ribs dancing to the movements

of its puppet master, that soulless wraith who stole my innocence

she who would devour and reconstitute me over and over again

just to entertain her twisted sense of dramatic irony

forty years of festering anger plus fifteen more of unfiltered grief equals visceral anguish

i have felt this thick black sludge rise within me to finally be expelled

guttural enmity and bitterness eating its way through iron and steel

acidic by-product of childhood trauma already recounted

perpetrated by that wolf in sheep's clothing

who must burn at the stake for her crime

i watch the flames climb higher as her muscles and tendons congeal into burgundy pus

bones snapping from intense heat, then scorching to a burnt ash color

ending with embers of an incinerated corpse

scattered to the winds of karmic judgment

no memory or recognition of her existence

to ever again be spoken here

who pays attention? who really cares?

no response - just blank, empty stares

i've passed through an abyss of guilt, remorse and hate

it never mattered

all this change, all these years

so much punishment driven by fear

silently screaming, i stand on a cliff

ready to step into this purifying fire

all my hopes and dreams, now utterly gone

purging flames burn away skin and bone leaving nothing but spirit

to dwell alone in caverns of uncertainty

where i have traveled none can follow

days carved of stone nights veiled in sorrow

i am finally done

so i've gone through a major inner transformation over the last 3-4 months, & external circumstances are still catching up. to summarize, i met someone who spontaneously activated my heart chakra & restored feelings that i hadn't experienced in 15 years.

the most prominent emotions which reemerged after lying dormant for so long are vulnerability & insecurity.

after three months of baptism under fire, their reintegration into my paradigm now represents a bona fide crucible. however, it does seem to get a little bit easier with each passing day.

this woman is literally a ghost who i eventually recognized from akashic memories linked to five past lifetimes. truthfully, i had no initial reference point for our connection or how much it would affect me going forward.

she & i also share an ongoing healing process from past life trauma. it isn't over yet, & i feel very strongly like we need to fully reconnect in the present for proper resolution to occur.

i don't know what's going to happen over the next few months, but feel like it will be extremely important for both of us.

as such, everything remains to be seen...

i have traveled this rocky road lifetimes to meet you

scaling jagged peaks of anguish

crossing scorched fields of discontent

passing through an abyss of fear and self-loathing

meanwhile, obscured by unimaginable grief and trauma,

our destiny lay hidden for five centuries until the present

now...finally after pouring my entire being into your healing process

seventy straight days of intense heart mending with loving care

all the while reintegrating vulnerability

and insecurity its rabid protector who devoured me whole

leaving no entrails behind for carrion fowl

crucible scars rendering me antonymous from my old self,

i stand here within site of your soul's keep

battered bloodied exhausted

heart bled clean but fully intact

oath fulfilled promise kept pledge honored

as before, my debt is fully paid your choice remains

traveling this rocky road, i scanned the shadows

careful to detect her piercing stare

glittering jewels in the darkness observing my every move

well hidden beyond the veil in redacted past life memory

buried under sedimentary layers of pain and regret

500 years of watching and waiting

until now

we finally meet again

the crossroads of our akashic destiny

my oath: protect and shield her from heartache

we both felt in impossible circumstances

my fear of intimacy subjugation betrayal

all purged by her love

heart now activated

glowing torch illuminates its empty space

intention meditation vibration

crystal grid to intensify healing for her broken heart

waiting for any sign of tangible progress

once again, vulnerability is yet to be mastered

pausing in the night air i hear her heartbeat

very close at hand she is

my own heart, chakra closed flame burned out

a dark chamber filled with whispers of empathy and joy

distant echoes of past love, light and laughter

i feel them like close breath against my skin

after 15 years of solitary confinement in loneliness and fear

emotions are nothing more than a vague memory

suddenly my heart awakens from this long, deep sleep

chakra open passion rekindled

emotional resurrection of epic catharsis

love floods a once barren heartspace

now my cup runneth over without warning or control

sitting here quietly listening to the rain

i feel my heart yearn for her passion

once lost in painful memory it cannot be denied any longer

surrendering to emotions long since buried and forgotten

i allow unconditional love

pausing in this silence

i recognize my right to abundance as part of the Universe

fully embracing money as both a gift and resource

i allow unlimited prosperity

observing the futility of ego perfection in everyday life

i acknowledge the intrinsic instability of form

embracing uncertainty

i release all illusions of control

my soul realignment is almost complete

disparate apsects now vibrating in near perfect syncopation

stillness echoes like thunder through my words and actions