Too Many Fandoms

It had been a week or two since Caine came back to the circus. The humans had a lot of fun coming up with new ideas with him, and Jax… couldn’t see any of it. Everyone came into his tent occasionally to update him on what they had made with Caine. As an abstraction, Jax couldn’t say anything back. Most of the time, he would just keep his many eyes shut. But he would listen – sometimes, even a nod. Everyone wanted to make sure that, despite how he was, Jax still felt included.

Then, one day, Pomni came in to visit. She noticed Jax’s abstract form was significantly less violent and erratic, almost looking smooth on the surface, and she absentmindedly put a hand to his body. Surprisingly, there was no pain or glitching in her hand from her touch. Pomni excitedly turned around to find Caine and the others to tell them, and in another moment they all arrived in Jax’s tent.

Caine reached out a hand towards Jax’s body and concentrated. Slowly, the multiple eyes retreated into the blackness, and the vague lumpy form shifted into something more humanoid. There, on the floor, was the purple cartoon rabbit everyone knew and were starting to love. Caine brought him back. The others’ care and attention and love brought him back.

It took many more days for Jax to adjust back to his old body again. Not because he was having trouble moving, but… because of his new reality. He could exist now without being overwhelmed with his every antagonistic thought. It was really hard for him to act differently than before, even though he understood his feelings better now. His instinct to lash out, push off, and run away ran deep in his nerves, and it wasn’t going to be shaken easily. But he knew now that everyone else was trying to help him be better, too.

Jax watched the slideshow Caine made, of all of their real-life bodies. He sat there, on the couch, knees tucked under his chin, and eyes wide. It was surreal to see everyone else’s marks on the world, that they would be able to go on making outside of the circus.

And then, there was Leeroy Mateo. Just seeing the name again stabbed icepicks through Jax’s heart, and the memories of his recent past flooded back in at once. He expected to be met with an obituary, or a mugshot, or something like that. But, no – he saw an active social media page, with text posts occasionally interrupted by dark yet warm photographs. It felt a little eerie, seeing his body again, his hair, his clothes… but not his face. In every single photo, Leeroy’s face was covered up. Jax couldn’t remember his face even if he tried. He didn’t even think of it as his anymore… He’s not sure if he did before, either.

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The aquarium was a place Jax had not been able to visit before. He decided to join Kinger down there one day. The harsh light of the circus fading away into a cool, dark blue made him immediately feel calmer. There were multiple tanks of realistic fish and aquatic flora peppered throughout the building, and benches were set up on the floor to admire the digital fish. But, for some reason, Jax felt a little unsettled. Maybe it was because he was alone with Kinger? He didn’t know him very well, and always blew him off as “crazy” – which, for most of the time Jax knew him, he was – but then, Kinger recently revealed a lot of his secrets as an important person in the real world, someone who made the circus happen. Jax didn’t know what to think of him, or certainly not how Kinger would perceive him, after he essentially flung insults and cast blame on him right before he broke down and abstracted. So, he just sat silently, staring at the rippling water.

Kinger hadn’t noticed Jax come in behind him and got startled by him, but when he saw Jax being quiet and distant, he decided to strike up a conversation. “Jax. How are you feeling?”

Jax flinched a little in surprise. Kinger had never really talked to him before. “I… I’m fine,” he replied in a mumble.

“Still getting used to things?” Kinger continued, sitting down on the bench beside Jax.

Jax tilted his head in a nod. “Never been here before.”

“Oh yeah, you never saw it during the team shooting adventure, did you?” Kinger remembered. “This place was where we got sent when we lost all our health hearts. I took a bit of a shine to it after that day.”

“Why?” Jax found himself curious. “’Cause it’s… dark?”

“Mm… Partially.” Kinger’s hands fidgeted excitedly as he reminisced. “My wife really loved bugs and got me interested in them eventually, but I was always more of a fish guy. I used to fish with my grandpa back when I was a kid, and that was fun. But, I also enjoyed watching them swim in the water. They just look so beautiful swimming.”

“Huh…” Jax was about to comment more, but all of a sudden a giant black mass shot up from under the floor in the water, nearly blacking out the glass if not for its myriad glowing neon eyes. Jax jolted and recoiled away, falling off behind the bench. “Wh-what the hell is that doing here?!” he shouted as he climbed back up.

“Oh, right! Some of the other abstractions spend their time swimming in here to have some fun!” Kinger explained cheerfully. “After you abstracted, and we figured out a way to keep you calm and supported, Caine took the rest of the abstractions out of the cellar so we could find ways to help them, too. He and I are working together to try and rehabilitate them, or at least get them feeling better.”

Jax gazed at the abstraction in the water; it moved through it so gracefully, he couldn’t believe it was the same kind of rampaging monster that Kaufmo or Ribbit had become.

Kaufmo, Ribbit… His friends… He started to think about them again. “Do…” he gingerly began. “Do you know which ones are which?”

Kinger shook his head. “No, unfortunately we haven’t been able to identify any of the others yet. But that doesn’t mean we won’t keep trying.” He turned to face Jax. “The only reason you managed to be singled out is because– well, under the circumstances, it was easy to tell who had abstracted. But also, Pomni was able to reach you and help you, and that was worth a lot to calm you down and bring you back.” Kinger turned back to the swimming abstraction. “And now that we know Caine can bring abstractions back to their old forms, because of you… then maybe we’ll be able to do that with everyone else, too.” He hung his head. “So far, we haven’t had much luck reaching them. We hypothesize that you were able to be brought back because your abstraction was very recent, and the rest of them are harder to get in touch with now because they’ve been in this state for so long, without any support at all until now. It’s going to be a much more difficult recovery, but… I still think it can be done, so long as we keep working on it.”

Jax looked at Kinger with a slight sparkle in his eyes. “That’s… really cool, actually,” he remarked, a little choked up.

“Heheh… Thanks,” Kinger shyly accepted.

Jax was surprisingly compelled to keep talking with Kinger. He felt… comfortable around him now? Something about the way he spoke felt alien to Jax, but in a good way. It was one of the very few times he didn’t feel like walking on eggshells around someone. He didn’t want to fully take solace in that comfort just yet, in fear of being tricked, but… he did still want to talk.

“You, uh… mentioned your wife,” Jax awkwardly said. “Was she… part of making the circus, too?”

Kinger’s body tensed a little. “She was. Or rather, we both worked at C&A and ended up getting stuck here together. It was honestly a miracle that we were able to recognize each other despite not knowing our names. She was…” Kinger’s voice faltered slightly. “She was amazing. But… this place was still too much for her. I was able to keep her abstracted form safe in the pillow fort for a while, but then Caine threw her into the cellar along with everyone else, so… I don’t know which one she is now.” He took a long, deep breath. “But I will, someday. And hopefully, you’ll be able to see your friends again, too, Jax.”

Heartache stung at Jax, thinking about what would happen if he saw Kaufmo or Ribbit again now. Would they still be mad at him? Would they give him a chance to do better now? Would they even remember who he is? He sighed, long and listlessly. “Yeah. Only time will tell, I guess.”

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For the next couple of days, Jax thought back to when he spent time with Ribbit and Kaufmo. He still had such… complicated feelings about them, but the strongest one he felt now was longing. He missed them. He missed being able to talk to them without having to hide. He was just too scared, thinking he was going to be taken advantage of or blackmailed or betrayed by them somehow, so he cut it off before they could even have the idea. Jax was still scared, but… he wanted to try harder for them. For himself, too.

He kept going back to his long conversation with Ribbit, the thing that started him down this spiral. He had never been that honest with anyone before, not after what happened with… his real life. But just like with Pomni and Kinger now, Ribbit was someone he felt compelled to talk to and open up around. Maybe it was because they were also being open and honest? Jax really felt like himself when he was around Ribbit. A part of him… wished that they could have been closer. Ribbit might have wanted that, too, after what she did with her ribbon… That moment made Jax feel something he had never felt before, ever in his life. It was as if Ribbit knew, more than even he did, what that moment would mean to him. Jax just didn’t want to admit it, because last time…

He can’t think about the last time again. Not now. That memory is still too much to bear.

But, Jax did give that some thought. What if he tried that again, on his own terms? The others have proved themselves capable of not ridiculing him the way that… other people had. So, why not give it a try? He can just throw it away without any harm if it doesn’t feel right.

Nervously roaming the halls, Jax tried to find a place where he could call out to Caine without being seen or heard. He didn’t want whatever he was going to do to become a big deal with everyone else immediately. Jax reached the end of the dorm hallway – a dead end, but not somewhere people would normally go. He planted his feet, sucked in a deep breath, and shook out as much of his anxiety as he could. “Okay…” he sighed, before inhaling once again. “Hey, Caine!” he yelled, just above his speaking voice. “Could you get over here? ...Please?”

In a flash, Caine appeared right in front of Jax. “Hey there, Jax! I’m here to help!” He shimmied in mid-air excitedly. “Whaddya need, buddy?”

Jax still felt very cautious, and suddenly felt very pressured now that he was actually talking to Caine. “Um, well… You know how you can, like… change people’s clothes, and mess with their character models and stuff?”

Caine’s body loosened up now that he heard Jax’s trepidatious voice. “Uhh, yeah. What’s up?”

“Could you, uh…” His whole body grew more and more tense as he tried to squeeze out his request. “…help re-tune my model to be more… accurate?”

“Yeah, I can do that!” Caine replied with enthusiasm. “Let’s talk about it.” With a snap of his fingers, Caine summoned his two therapy chairs to seat himself and Jax on. Caine then took out his little notebook, which once was filled with mostly doodles but now comprised of actual constructive notes from the cast. “I made your designs based on what I know and also based on your mind files,” Caine began. “And I did notice that, even though I thought I did a really good job with them, you guys… seemed to not fully like them!” His tone was genuine, not filled with anger or confusion, but something much more compassionate and empathetic. “So I am fully taking constructive criticism on these things, and if you want to change something, I am happy to oblige!”

Jax dropped his gaze to the floor, fidgeting with his hands. “Um… Well, I mean…” He swallowed uncomfortably. “You kinda already know what I want, then… don’t you?” Caine gave him a puzzled look. “…No, I don’t think I follow. If there’s something you want changed, but you think I already know about it, then… I would have already done something about it, right?”

Jax let out a harsh exhale. “Okay, okay…” He struggled to figure out with how he wanted to put what he wanted into words.

“I’m…” Every new start felt like a kick in the chest.

“I wanna be…” The way he kept jittering around, it looked as if his own body was at war with itself.

“I…” He slowed down, took in a deep, long breath, and exhaled. He finally decided. “I want to wear a bow. Like Ribbit.”

Caine’s jaw widened a little at the mention of the former cast member’s name. “Oh, okay!” With another snap, a bow tie appeared on Jax’s neck. Just like how it was on Ribbit.

Jax sighed in a strained breath. “No, like…” He grabbed the bow tie off of his neck and placed it on the base of his left ear. “…like this.”

Caine went quiet, like he was processing the moment. “...Oh.” Then, his expression softened and his eyes lit up. “Well, if that’s what makes you happy, Jax.”

“Yeah,” Jax mumbled. “Thanks. That, uh… that was it.”

“Alright, well,” Caine said as he awkwardly pushed himself off the chair to stand on his feet. “If you’d like anything else to change up your look, just gimme a holler!” With that, he vanished in a swirl, taking the conjured furniture with him. Jax was alert enough to leap to his feet before falling on the floor.

Well, there it was, on his head. He stood up straight and breathed in, really feeling it. Was this really what he wanted? Was he really okay with this? Or was this just some kind of twisted, maladaptive way to cling to his traumatic past that’s actually going to end up being bad for him? What will the others think? What will Pomni think? She’s the only person who had any idea about what happened then besides himself.

...Jax snatched the bow off his head and shoved it into his overalls pocket. He was not ready yet. Not around everyone… Pomni is the only one who knows, so she would be the only one he could trust with this. Maybe she could see him like that, and things would be better.