First We Feel, Then We Fall

like the first scenes with him in the game are, in theory, about freeing him from the Ossuary (although he seems to have an escape attempt already in progress at the time, they certainly weren't just letting him keep those knives on him for enrichment purposes, Rook just provided an opening/distraction he could take advantage of and crucially Rook has A Way Out of the whole place not just a cell). but ACTUALLY the purpose it to put him right into a new contract for Us, one set up by his own grandmother and first talon no less, and the person he has the MOST trouble saying no to. He's escaped torture and the Venatori for sure but he still isn't free, which I think is part of what leads to Spite's confusion/the Inner Demons plotline. He agrees to the contract but you can tell it's in many parts out of a sense of duty/mourning vs something he actively wants to do for himself. And then the FIRST real heartfelt conversation you have with him, where he tells you "even before I was captured, my life was not really my own. So much had been determined for me." But he's chaffaing at that! He thinks "to live truly is to live fully" and so directly tells you he doesn't think he's lived a life true to himself. He's been constantly smothered by the weight of expectations around him, even though he longs for more.

And then once you get him to the Lighthouse you see how this Big lack of control in his life comes out as all these smaller frustrations. He's terrified of sleeping and downing 11 cups of coffee per hour because sleeping means he will lose control to Spite, even though Spite is shown to flee rather than fight when he feels threatened, and once calmed down, is more drawn to just benign curiosity/mischief than anything actively malicious. Like if Lucanis loses control and sleeps for a few hours he is not going to wake up surrounded by bloodshed, he's going to wake up to a belly full of candle wax because he wouldn't like Spite taste one while they were awake. Which is the other half of this--he constantly denying Spite's impulses for reasons that in some ways make sense (HE doesn't want to eat candles), but not in a way that's actually satisfying to either of them (why not just take a bite, chew for a bit, and spit it out so Spite knows they kind of suck actually?). But he CAN say no to Spite and so he does. Over and over. Spite's one of the few people he can deny things without feeling bad about it, because it's HIS body he doesn't like that has to share now (<- this is what he thinks about it at first anyway, but he's wrong, it's both of theirs and it's useless to try to hold those kind of boundaries forever. but the "no its mine" spiteful instinct is very beautifully ironic and reflective of them both and their early relationship).

And personally I think this is where his fear of his own desires and intimacy is coming from, at the root. I don't think he's afraid of the concept of being in a romance or having feelings (even if they're unusual and rare for him, this is by no means incompatible with him being demi) but I DO think he is afraid of the kind of power it gives people over you. Getting something you want means there's something else that can be taken away. Admitting your desire means the other person has the opportunity to deny that. The more you have, the more you have to lose, and he has lost again and again and again in his life--his parents, his childhood to the crows, his independence, even his future--he doesn't aspire to be first Talon but he knows the rumors. He knows his grandmother wanted it for him, not Illario. His life path has been laid out for him by others and up to this point he has simply been going along with it anyway, even though it bothers him. He COULD argue and fight Caterina and push for Illario who actually wants the job to be First Talon instead, but from The Wigmaker Job we know he doesn't. He just ignores it and pretends maybe it won't happen, without him having to do any of the work. Which is why in the end Illario is the one who has to make a move about it (and even warns Lucanis of this!!!!). Lucanis KNOWS all this makes him a target but is neither taking charge or getting off of the train tracks, just closes his eyes.

And I think THIS context is what makes the almost kiss scene in the pantry make more sense to me. Rather than being afraid of having feelings (and then NEVER addressing this in game with a Rook who pursues him anyway) or not knowing how to finish what he's started via crow seduction training, it's more like this is a pivotal moment where he can actively choose to step off the planned path of be given a job -> kill the gods -> enact revenge -> go home. even if he doesn't at that point realize that a relationship with Rook could be something that lasts long-term, the very act of doing something just for himself is what's foreign and scary and hard. It's that first step off the tracks, and even if he were to keep walking in the same direction, it means he's making a choice about it. he's accepting that one way or another it IS in his power to go along with everyone else's plans or not. Hence the hesitation, and drawing back, and needing to clear his head.

And then the rest of Rook's role in his narrative IS about giving him more and more control for himself. Inner Demons, dealing with Illario, his questlines move less towards revenge and more towards just... not being locked into one fate. Which of course Caterina comes back and immediately tries to overturn by declaring him First Talon after all, even though she and him and everyone else knows she's not ACTUALLY ready to give up her rule/decision making power yet. Which in a way is maddening because cmon I did all this work here so this sad man could have some agency in his own life just to watch him get sucked right back in (which, at least we get many directions to headcanon from here), but there's no denying that THIS version of Lucanis at least is actually going in with his eyes open now. THIS Lucanis has had a taste of life outside the Crows, and seen the politics and power dynamics in other places/organizations, and finally has emotional ties to the big picture state of the world now, both in relationship and friendship paths with Rook. He's not just hyper focused on each contract as it's given to him now, he's looking at the whole thing.

Anyway of course the beautiful culmination of all this within the romance is the lighthouse scene with Rook, where he finally is willing to let himself be vulnerable (emotionally and physically), and fall asleep without fear of what Spite's going to do in the meanwhile. He also (depending on dialogue choice) finally talks about his feelings directly with you for the first time instead of in roundabout ways (the dessert being "not enough" is it really the dessert you mean, Lucanis. is it.). Even though he is STILL reluctant to verbally admit his feelings or let Rook share their own at this point, I think that's more a narrative choice about saving those last emotional dialogue options for the big final battle. but it is another point where he does have to stop just following along and ACTIVELY choose that yes, yes sometimes loving is worth the risk of losing it. Even if someone takes it away from you later, even if you don't survive it, sometimes the love alone makes it worth it.

I have like another 5000 words I could add into about how Spite ties into all this, about how having the demon in him is something he both fears AND how it forces him to acknowledge that actually yes he DOES share the same base feelings/instincts Spite does in terms of not wanting to be told what to do. And how this in a way is part of what gives him permission to act on it since he can no longer just shove it down out of sight. but this post is long enough already so i'm just going to take the rest of this and gnaw on it all day like a chew toy I guess.

Zevran, as a crow, is trained in the art of seduction and it has been one of the reasons he's still alive to this day. He knows it's typically unsexy to lament on how terribly your past has been affecting you. If you tell Zevran you're sorry for him, he immediately turns the conversation into complimenting the Warden.

It can be read as a test of character if one so chooses. Obviously Zevran isn't going to show a weak point to a person he just met, but, he is telling about himself, on a deeper level, and it's up to the Warden on how they react. Also, It's a good way to scope intentions and such. Zevran is still sharing information on himself, but on his terms. He chooses to tell the Warden about his childhood when all they asked was a question about the Dalish. And he sets a neutral tone to it.

Zevran's childhood is not a pleasant subject and he distances himself from it. It's far easier for him to talk about it that way, and it doesn't force him to process what he experienced and how it was horrible.

But he does enjoy someone, an outsider, reaffirming that what he went through was horrible, and it wasn't okay just because others have gone through the same and worse. Was there a moment in his past, where he even mildly suggested his childhood might have been less than ideal, and gotten back the reaction that it's no different from his peers? Or that he is lucky to have been bought by the crows?

So regarding Lucanis's fear - that Spite was never the demon, it was always him to begin with - he's not wrong. Spite did not willfully possess him. Spite was not Spite when he entered Lucanis's body. He wasn't even Determination. He was a completely blank slate, a tiny piece broken off of something larger (his journal entries suggest a rage demon) that was molded into shape by Lucanis's own soul.

Zara didn't know ahead of time what kind of abominations her experiments would become: she had assumed Lucanis would become Envy, presumably bc she knew Illario and assumed Lucanis was of similar character (kind of a wild thing to assume but as usual, she chose the wrong Dellamorte).

But yes, in that sense, Spite was just Lucanis the whole time. Spite became Spite because he imprinted on Lucanis's innate determination and endured torture designed to compel the most dangerous possible version of himself. Because that's all spirits are in Thedas, bits of emotional flotsam left in the Fade by dreaming mortals that occasionally coalesce into sentience, and sometimes try to cross the Veil via possession. (Or, of late, through all the holes, Veil has gotten so threadbare, they really should get someone to fix that, can't have shit in Thedas.) They've always been born from mortal hearts and minds*; Zara's deal was figuring out how to force them to manifest on this side, in a way she could control.

Unfortunately for Zara, Determination is stubborn and Spite is... well spiteful. Spite is a rather small emotion after all when compared to things like Pride and Justice and Faith, and other than inheriting and amplifying Lucanis's preexisting dangerousness, and professional pride and joy in murder, he's sort of cranky and ill-tempered at worst.

Zara wants a hulking mutilated demon-powered pile of flesh at her command? Spite will be wings and grace and style. Zara wants the Demon of Vyrantium's mind and body sundered by a real demon's mindless violence? Spite will be (relatively) patient and bide his time and make clever deals and generally work with his host. (Maybe slap him around a bit when he gets frustrated but hey they're still working out the kinks in this unwanted situationship.) Zara wants to keep Lucanis trapped forever as her favorite torture toy while her other rare and precious successes are sent out in the world to wreak havoc? Absolutely not, Spite will get OUT.

Everything he's done since he came into being has been to spite the bitch who hurt him and his host, and then he doesn't even get to kill her, yeah I'd lose it too.

But after she's dead he has to shift priorities. There's no more Zara to spite, but we are still not Out? We were supposed to be Out! Rook helped us Out before and Rook can do it again!

Rumination is probably the most common type of OCD compulsion, but I rarely see anyone talking about it. I've talked to multiple people diagnosed with OCD who didn't even recognize it as a compulsion.

Basically, if you have OCD you have terrible intrusive thoughts. They can be about anything, but common themes are fear of being a bad person, fear of hurting someone, fear of contamination. etc.

Rumination is when you get stuck in a spiral. Rumination is when you spend hours catastrophizing, overthinking, analyzing, telling yourself it's going to be okay.

I'll say it again:

Rumination is a compulsion.

Rumination is a compulsion, and that means you have to stop doing it.

I did ERP (exposure response prevention) for my OCD with a therapist! For 9 months! And it did help, but the idea didn't really click until I found this website a couple years later.

And Oh My God. It made things make so much more sense, and I was able to pull myself out of an episode even though I wasn't in therapy or on meds at the time.

Genuinely if you have OCD, or even if you suspect you have OCD, I'm begging you to read some of these articles.

Like this was genuinely life changing for me.

Here are some of the ones that were most helpful to me:

Defining Rumination

How to Stop Ruminating

ERP Exercises for Compulsive Rumination

“Erotica” may not be the first word to come to mind when you think about ancient Egypt. In fact, maybe you haven’t even spared ancient Egyptian erotica a thought – didn’t realise that the culture that left us the Pyramids and the Valley of Kings was quite that naughty (or maybe you have, because dick jokes have been the constant of human existence). But then a few Egyptologists online mention Egyptian erotica off-hand and now you’re left wondering how dirty they actually were.

What exactly was the extent of erotica in ancient Egypt? I’m using “erotica” in the widest sense of the word here, i.e. textual or visual depictions of love, lust and/or sex. Generally the term is defined as art with the purpose of eliciting feelings of arousal, but because it’s not always evident what the exact objective of a certain depiction or text was, I think it best to keep the definition broad.

The Turin Erotic Papyrus

The most famous example of ancient Egyptian erotica, Papyrus Turin 55001, colloquially known as the Turin Erotic Papyrus, illustrates this well. This papyrus was found in Deir el-Medina and dates to the Ramesside Period. It contains twelve depictions of a man and women in different sexual positions. While the girls are young and pretty, the man himself is bald and flabby – not exactly the epitome of ancient Egyptian physical beauty standards.

The man’s appearance isn’t the only thing that makes it questionable whether the Turin Erotic Papyrus is deserving of its nickname “the world’s first [known] men’s mag”. Apart from the sexual depictions, the papyrus also contains images of animals performing human tasks. This section is believed to be either humorous or satirical in nature, which casts doubt on whether the erotic section was supposed to arouse the reader/viewer.

The ancient Egyptian art depicted the ideal version of reality in “good” images. If the Turin Erotic Papyrus was intended to engender sexual arousal, or make it possible for the reader to identify themselves with the male main character, we can assume that he would at least have had hair. On the other hand, the women are drawn very appealingly, and sometimes engage in sexual activities on their own.

Unfortunately the papyrus is heavily damaged and the surviving text in the margins isn’t clear on its intent, either. By and large the text is complementary dialogue, with lines such as “Oh! Sun, you have found out my heart, it is agreeable work”. This means the actual purpose of the Turin Papyrus is uncertain, with some experts suggesting it was satirical, meant as a humorous depiction of uncouth and absurd behaviour at which the elite could laugh. But again, when you draw pretty young ladies with that kind of effort… well.

Love songs

The New Kingdom also left us many love poems or love songs. The Cairo Love Songs were found written down on a large potshard in Deir el-Medina, and Papyrus Harris 500, a Ramesside papyrus, contains a collection of love poetry in addition to the literary tales on it. Papyrus Turin 1996, and Papyrus Chester Beatty 1 also contain examples of the genre.

These love songs range from romantic, talking about how much two young people love each other, to downright lusty, with descriptions of the beauty of the beloved and/or talking about sex, sometimes in no uncertain terms.

However, keep in mind that the metaphors the ancient Egyptians used are separated from our modern society by various orders of magnitude. It’s altogether possible that some of the things we now read into these translations aren’t exactly what the original text was meant to say.

With that disclaimer out of the way, here are a few of my favourites (all translations by W. K. Simpson in Literature of Ancient Egypt: An Anthology of Stories, Instructions, Stelae, Autobiographies, and Poetry):

Papyrus Harris 500, song 1

If I am not beside you, where will you set your desire? If [you] do not embrace [me and seize] the moment, [Whom will you] approach (for) pleasure? But if you woo me to touch my breasts and my thighs, […]

Would you depart because you have the urge to eat? Are you a man who is devoted to his stomach? Would [you depart] in your fine clothing, While I am left with nothing but the bed sheets? 

Would you leave me for the sake of drink2 […]? Then take my breast, for its milk wells up for you. More wondrous is a single day in your embrace […] Than a hundred thousand upon earth. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 4

My desire is not yet quenched by your love, My wanton little jackal cub. My lust for you I cannot forgo, Though I be beaten and driven off To dwell in the Delta marshes, (Driven) to the land of Khor with sticks and clubs, To the land of Kush with switches of palm, To the high ground with rods, Or to the low ground with branches. I will pay no heed to their warnings To abandon the one whom I desire. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 12

I shall go out [to seek my lover]. [I yearn] for your love, And my heart stops within me. 

To look at a sweet cake Is like looking at salt; Sweet pomegranate wine in my mouth Is like the bitter gall of birds. 

The breath of your nostrils Is the sole thing which can revive my heart, And I am determined that Amun will grant you to me For ever and eternity

Papyrus Harris 500, song 24

What is the completion of preparing to make love? Let Menqet be adorned there […] […] her bed chamber. Come, and I shall tell you. Put fine linen on her body While laying her bed with royal linen. Be meticulous about white linen, Adorn […] her body, Found like one sprinkled with perfume. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 25

Would that I were her Nubian maidservant Who attends to her personal needs; […] This would mean that the skin of her whole body Would be exposed to me. 

Papyrus Chester Beatty I, song 41

Now you shall bring it to the house of (your) beloved And go as far as her portal. Her chamber will be open (for you), And her housemaid will have prepared it. 

Provide her with songs and dances, Wine and strong beer in her pavilion. You will arouse her passions And fulfill them during this night. 

She will say to you, ‘‘Take me into your embrace.’’ And when the dawn comes, She will still be there.

Papyrus Chester Beatty I, song 42

Now you shall bring it to the chamber of (your) beloved, Alone, no other (with you), And you will accomplish your desire in her [embrace] 

The curtains will flutter, And the sky will descend in a gale of wind. (Hathor) will bring you her fragrance, And its perfume will overwhelm and intoxicate All those who are present.

It is the Golden Goddess Who destines her for you as a boon To let you fulfill the span of your life. 

Some of the returning motifs in these songs are drinking of pomegranate wine or the shadow of a pomegranate tree as the location for a rendezvous; the idea that the embrace of a beloved dispels all ills in a lover; parents who don’t know how much their son/daughter yearns for their beloved; and Hathor as provider of lovers and love.

In ancient Egypt, premarital sex wasn’t much of a social issue. If there was consent between both parties, sex was fine (adultery was another matter, of course). This is the general attitude we get from these love songs: sex and love and desire are predominantly good (unless the lover suffers from being away from their beloved for too long), as long as they are enjoyed by both parties and adhere to Egyptian social mores.

Sources and further reading

W. K. Simpson - Literature of Ancient Egypt: An Anthology of Stories, Instructions, Stelae, Autobiographies, and Poetry

B. Mathieu - La Poésie Amoureuse de l’Égypte Ancienne: Recherches sur un genre littéraire au Nouvel Empire 

G. Robins - Women in Ancient Egypt

A. G. McDowell - Village Life in Ancient Egypt: Laundry Lists and Love Songs

C. Graves-Brown (ed) - Sex and Gender in Ancient Egypt: Don Your Wig for a Joyful Hour

CRITICAL ROLE 4.27 Complicated Questions

+ bonus Laura reaction: