Limitless Growth

Today marks 7 years that I have been vegan. I grew up on a farm and was addicted to dairy cheese. One evening, seven years ago, a documentary someone talked me into watching, changed my entire perspective, proving what I was always taught to be wrong. It matched what I already felt in my heart, that eating animals and their bodily secretions is not only disgusting, but also immoral. It's murder, it's rape, it's abuse. Dairy is the sexual exploitation of female cows. The dairy industry IS the meat industry. Vegetarianism does not acknowledge that animals actually suffer arguably more through sexual/mental/physical torture in the dairy industry, before ultimately being brutally slaughtered. "Veal", or baby calves, come from the dairy industry. Male cows are jacked off for their semen by humans, who then forcibly and artificially impregnant female cows over and over and over, to harvest the breastmilk their bodies make for their babies. The egg industry brutally slaughters half of the baby chick's that are bred and born into it, because they are male. Male chicks are suffocated, thrown away, or ground up alive on their first day of life. Meat is murder. Dairy is scary.

Once you know better, you do better. Normalize changing your perspective when presented with new information. There is nothing normal, natural or necessary about animal abuse, exploitation, and slaughter. There is no excuse for animal abuse. Anti-oppression. Anti-speciesist. Anti-human supremacy.

Your latest letter is still sat on top of the trashcan lid, unopened.

I cleaned my shower instead of opening it.

I dosed out powdered melatonin into capsules instead of opening it.

I packed a bowl of lemon diesel CBD flower and orange sherbert weed and smoked it instead of opening it.

I know what is in that letter...more gaslighting, more shaming, more dismissiveness, more hurt.

Yesterday you tried to justify the physical abuse inflicted upon me as a child, claiming it was a way to show love.

Causing me pain is what you call love, you believe that is love, and that I should pity you for your choice to hit me.

The hurt, disappointment, dismissiveness, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, are relentless...even as I am sharing my deepest feelings, begging for acceptance, unconditional love, and genuine apologies for hurting me.

You say it's all my fault. You say Jesus told you to do it. You don't hear my pain or my words. You want to ignore my pain and convince me that you are the victim.

You have never heard me nor seen me. I don't believe you ever will.

After 32 years, I can now say that I have done absolutely everything I could to connect with you. Countless efforts, and countless rejections.

I no longer accept your mistreatment and abuse. This drenching toxic relationship that has swallowed me whole my entire life.

I grieve the parent you are incapable of being for me. You are not a father to me.

I pour my heart out, I call out the abusive behavior and actions, I share my experiences and emotions, I beg to hear the genuine apology, the accountability, the effort....

And he comes back at me with excuses. Trying to argue that the physical abuse was justified and that it means he loves me.

Fuck you, dad.

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He said that he thought of me yesterday.

But he couldn't say what came to mind when he thought of me.

He said he missed me.

But he couldn't name anything about me that he missed.

I asked him why he doesn't speak to me more if he misses me.

He responded with an excuse, blaming me. He says it's my fault because I "choose" to not talk on the phone and that is his preferred way of communicating. (He knows I get phone anxiety and he doesn't care, he plays victim in every situation.)

I called him out for blaming me. I tell him I would expect a parent who misses their child to speak with them more, no matter the form of communication.

He denies that he blamed me. He tells me I am wrong and interpreting his words incorrectly. He blames texting on this "misunderstanding". He claims that he texts me once a week. Even though he doesn't and his texts are short, cold, empty, small talk messages, and he refuses to respond to or acknowledge my longer texts.

I ask how he would describe our relationship.

He says not as close as he would like us to be. He says it would be nice to speak to me more. (Then why the fuck don't you do that?) He quickly covers up the discomfort of admitting that we are not close by sending other random texts about the weather to distract and redirect the conversation.

I tell him he is right, that we are not close. I tell him that cultivating and maintaining relationships and emotional connections with your children is on you, as the parent, to do. I ask him why he thinks we are not close.

He says I am wrong, that all relationships require effort from both sides. He claims it is important to him to have a close relationship with me. (Then why have you never tried to?) He claims our busy lives and living a couple hours apart is the reason we don't speak more or visit.

This is the sound of me snapping. This is the sound of my rage at being dismissed, gaslit, manipulated, ignored, and emotionally/pyschologically abused and neglected for 30 years. Fuck. You. "Dad."

Fuck you for pretending we have any kind of relationship. Fuck you for blaming our lack of closeness on me, when I have tried to connect with you my whole life. Your words are empty and meaningless. Your efforts are below the bare minimum. I refuse to pretend with you anymore.

I told him that yes, most relationships require effort from both sides, but parent-child relationships ARE different. It is the responsibility of the parent to cultivate and maintain a relationship and emotional connection to their child. That responsibility is NEVER on the child.

I told him that I have tried my entire life to emotionally connect with both him and mum, and have only been met with disappointment, rejection, and dismissal. I told him that I have never experienced either of them putting any effort into knowing me on an emotional level and having a healthy, close relationship with me.

I told him that I know he wants to be close but that he doesn't know how to be, so he is blaming me. I described qualities of a healthy, close relationship and pointed out that I never experienced any of those things growing up. Support, acceptance, unconditional love.

I told him that he and mum have caused me a lot of pain and that I refuse to pretend otherwise any longer.

I called out how our family sweeps everything under the rug, and that rug now covers a mountain of pain, unresolved arguments, unprocessed trauma/emotions, unacknowledged issues, avoided apologies, and ignored hurt. And it would take a lot of time, reflection, apologizing, accountability, difficult conversations, changed behavior, and hard work to sort through that mountain. Pretending past issues are not there will never make them go away. They will always be there festering and breeding resentment until you acknowledge and face them.

I know this changes nothing. I know he will always respond by dismissing, playing the victim, manipulating, or ignoring altogether. Emotional/Pyschological immaturity is like a fucking disease. A heavy, dark, draining, angry, abusive energy to be around. I am in my era of calling out their bullshit and distancing myself from their abuse/neglect.