#shadow self

Your shadow self is the one who gets angry when someone disrespects you.

The one who fights back when someone hurts you.

The one who tells you to leave a partner, a friend, a job that is harming you.

Yes, your higher self cares about your karma, your wisdom, your peace.

But it’s your shadow self who makes sure you are safe, loved, cherished.

me: right of course that's very obvious, makes sense please proceed

season 2 when spike is introduced he obviously was not her shadow consciously in all the writers minds at that point in time however on rewatches we can still interpret their earlier behaviors as such and there is A LOT to interpret: buffy and her shadow are both with other people who who connect them to each other and it was angel who sent spike on his path that would lead him to kill two slayers which leads him to buffy and despite being enemies they are unsuccessful in destroying each other and even manage to form a truce and work together. Buffy is told she's on her own by whistler and Spike then shows up to be her only ally

me: remembering, "I can be alone with you here" in s6. ok yeah so they are one - when she's alone with spike she's alone with herself. her and her shadow are literally teaming up to kill the monster who is a threat to her and our shadow selves are incredibly protective of us which is why society teaches us to hate those parts of ourselves in the first place so they can better manipulate, exploit, and abuse us. so even though the concept of a shadow self hasn't been introduced yet spike is still behaving in alignment with that from the very beginning (if you do not know or acknowledge your shadow self it will try to destroy you in order to call attention to it and try and force you to acknowledge it's existence and meet all your suppressed and ignored needs)

season 3: buffy can't fool one shadow about what's really going on with her and stabs the other shadow for angel and puts her into a coma

me: damn buffy fucking hates herself and being with angel in season 3 is a huge self betrayal and a form of self harm and both shadows call attention to that and faith literally tries to get angel away from her by killing him (not saying faith consciously is trying to protect buffy just that through the shadow lens that’s how her behavior can be interpreted)

season 4: buffy has the least consistent interactions with both shadow selves but the interactions she does have with both of them come between her and riley and cause major conflicts - riley works for the people who hunt and neuter her shadow self in an attempt to use and control his strength for their own means

me: ok so when buffy is with riley she is the most disconnected from herself which is why she's unable to emotionally connect with him because she can only connect with riley as much as she is connected to herself and she literally can't be connected to her shadow around riley because he already neutered her shadow and was angry with her for hiding spike from him after he escaped - we have moved from self hatred and betrayal to complete self abandonment - fuck.

season 5: the pull to her shadow is becoming harder to ignore, she is sneaking out of her bed and away from riley in order to be in graveyards closer to her shadow, to be free to be herself. buffy's behavior does not match the narrative she gives about her relationship to her shadow - she says she hates him, that she doesn't trust him and is repulsed by him and yet only confides in him and regularly seeks out his help and support and relies on him to protect her family. she looks to him for guidance to tell her about herself and he tells her of her death wish. dawn, the representative of buffy's innocence and inner child, is introduced and feels safe with her shadow and is always seeking him out

me: ok so just like when her shadow tried to get rid of angel in season 3 because he was a danger to her now her shadow is trying to come between her and riley because he's even more of a threat to buffy because he's trying to constrict her and shove her into the smallest box he can fit her into and have control over her strength and power and it terrifies her that spike is right about her death wish and that he knows that about her so she both fears her connection to her shadow with spike but also relies on it to keep dawn safe

season 6: tells him he's the only person she can stand to be around and is fucking him seven ways til sunday every chance she gets

me: ugh poor buffy she is caught between trying to love herself while still putting pleasing and meeting the expectations of everyone around her first and it's tearing her apart

season 7: buffy literally brings her shadow out of the dark (the school basement) and first into her world (via xander's) and then into her actual home - she cares for him, she supports him, she rescues him she says the literal words I don't hate like that, not anymore... she protects her shadow and she is no longer afraid to upset the people around her as long as she is doing what she knows is right and what she knows she needs to do

me: yay!!! Buffy loves herself!!! she's no longer putting pleasing other people above her own needs!! she isn't afraid to love and care for her shadow openly for all to see! no more self abandonment or betrayal! she is empowered!!!!

There’s something a little intense about this one—so if you’re here, you probably already feel it in your gut. This is a pick-a-pile tarot reading for the truth you’ve been avoiding but needed to hear. Not the sugar-coated version, not the comforting half-lie—just the message your higher self keeps nudging you toward when everything gets quiet.

Take a breath, pick the pile you’re most drawn to (don’t overthink it—your intuition is louder than your logic right now). And be open. Some messages may feel validating, others might sting a little… but all of them are meant to bring clarity, not chaos.

Whatever you’ve been running from, postponing, or softening in your mind—this is where it gets honest.

Pick a pile...

⚖️Pile 1⚖️

⚖️Pile 2⚖️

⚖️Pile 3⚖️

Agostino Arrivabene (b. 1967), “Lucifero”

encausto on antique wood, 2020