Cadance and Shining Armor || The Bride and the Ugly Ass Groom my @skyscrapergods AU || AU Cadance Tag
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Cadance and Shining Armor || The Bride and the Ugly Ass Groom my @skyscrapergods AU || AU Cadance Tag

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babysitter
some of you weren’t around for the fan fiction dot net purge of 2002 (when they banned explicit content and mass-deleted thousands of fics) and the livejournal purge of 2007 (when they deleted hundreds of blogs, disproportionately targeting queer & kink content) and it shows
this kind of policing is why ao3 was created
remember, kids, the three laws of fandom are:
- don’t like; don’t read
- your kink is not my kink
- ship and let ship
your kink is not my kink *but your kink is okay* don't forget that part
I have a no dungeon au where Donut is a human child kicking around in my brain and I need you all to know that Carl, master of repression, is jumping through the most intricate and ridiculous of mental hoops to avoid referring to or thinking of Donut as his kid. Nobody fucking buys it. But they also clearly both have some wild abandonment issues so everyone seeing this man lie to himself with all the skill of a drunk donkey is kind of like okay. Saying something now is probably a bad idea. And they're both happy as how things are so? The child doesn't NEED to call her father figure dad for them both to love each other very deeply as their family.
Also in this au Donut is still called Donut by pretty much everyone. She has a real human name. Nobody but Carl, Bea, Carl's lawyer (Quasar), the custody judge, Donut, and her teacher know it. The only time it is used is when Bea takes her to pageants. It gets to a point where after The Breakup and they become roommates with Mordecai their friends are coming up to him like "heeeyyy did you happen to catch the legal name of the child you live with and that we adore like family. Because it's never come up in our years of knowing her and Carl and at this point we're too embarrassed to ask."
It is at this moment that Mordecai realize he doesn't, in fact, know the real name of the child he has been living with and who he is slowly rearranging his life around caring for. He could tell you what after school activities she has for the rest of the month. He could tell you what weekends Bea has (partly because Carl is so miserable on those weekends Mordecai likes to know in advance. There's only room for one miserable bastard in their apartment and Mordecai refuses to give it up). He could tell you the latest tricks she's taught her ugly dog. The show she's watching right now. But the name on her birth certificate? Crickets.
Nobody leaves the conversation feeling good about themselves.
In my beautiful mind palace, Donut is a distant relative of Bea's family. Her parents aren't in the picture and Bea's mom decides she can be useful to the family. So she gets put into the pageant circuit when Bea gets custody. Donut is really young at this point and just went through something very scary, so she's more than willing to do anything that will please her new family (still fuzzy on how much she remembers her old family at this point). It does help that she genuinely like the showmanship of it all. Bea doesn't see this as bad thing, just what happens (she was a pageant kid and knows very well her parents see her as an investment) (a failed investment but we'll get to that later).
Carl and Bea start dating shortly after Donut starts living with Bea. Carl is a little wary at first considering his mountain of parental issues but Bea assures him that he doesn't have to be Donut's dad or anything. He internalizes this because c'mon. It's Carl. It does help Carl and Donut get along at first because she doesn't take to some stranger in her home well. Some part of her thinks Bea is replacing her when she just got here! And she doesn't want another parent either. Hers don't tend to stay. After a very rocky start Carl is able to establish that he is definitely isn't trying to do those things at all. He's just a guy in her apartment. As a joke he says he's more like her manservant than anything and that's what sticks.
From there Carl and Donut get along famously. Carl continues to insist he isn't her dad guys, this is totally different. Never mind that he is constantly doing Dad Shit. That's just because he lives with her. Anyone who lives with a kid would take them to the doctor's office or pick them up from school. What kind of heartless monster wouldn't get that kid an ice cream cone after they got an A on their test on the way home? Anyways, he has to leave now and go grab Donut from her singing lessons.
Donut is also living in denial a bit. She knows the family that's still here sees her as an investment. She doesn't want Carl or Bea to leave so if she doesn't see them as her parents then they won't do either! She does make more of an exception for Bea since Bea got her right after her parents weren't raising her anymore. Donut associates Bea with stability and comfort. As well as a hobby that Donut excels at. But it's fine, Miss Beatrice isn't like her parents! She wouldn't ever leave Donut.
It should be known Carl and Bea aren't bad caretakers but they're not great at it (at least in the beginning). Neither of them have much experience with children so there is a hell of a learning curve. Which means Donut is a bit spoiled and has definitely watched too much TV.
Time passes and when Donut is about nine Bea brings up that they have a talent agent in the family and it would be great to get Donut's foot in that door before she hits puberty. Of course, it's still late in the game to get anything really good for Donut. Unless that agent becomes her guardian. Then they'd have more time to work with and train her.
This is where Carl finally puts his foot down. He and Bea have the big fight like in canon (it happens pretty close to how he finds out in the books, down to Donut falling asleep on top of him while he overhears Bea and her mom at Christmas). They don't tell Donut they're fighting and call a temporary truce while Bea is on her girl's trip in the Bahamas. Carl sees the photo of her with Brad like in canon and dumps her. The second thing he does afterwards is find a custody lawyer because no way in hell is he letting Donut go. He may not be her dad but he will never abandon her.
All those lawyer fees mean Carl needs a new place to live with the Princess. None of their friends are in a position to have them move in, but they help him find someone who can. Katia knows a guy who knows a guy that's looking for a roommate after his last one "just couldn't take all the sad shit anymore man". As a bonus, he already had a background check done since he was teaching some summer classes recently. Cut to a miserable mycologist who's not too attached to getting his down payment back and we're off to the races.
Bea doesn't get this. She was raised the same way and turned out fine. In fact, Donut should be glad she's getting the chance to prove herself like this. Bea could never measure up to the type of investment her parents wanted. She can't even properly catch a decent man (her mother never fails to mention the lack of ring whenever they see each other). While this AU does make her abandoning Donut so much worse now that Donut is a human child, I don't want to make her out into a complete monster. She's still a bad person who has done awful things but she is not without humanity. To write her otherwise would leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Getting down on my knees and thanking the humans who invented dishwashers and washing machines.
InsNe that dishwashers are more efficient and easier than just washing them manually but they also use less water. It’s a win win situation
They ALSO sterilize dishes, due to operating at a far higher temperature than human hands could ever tolerate. It's a win every way.
Made this post about 15 minutes after the repair guy who fixed the pump on my dishwasher packed up his tools and left, as the dishwasher was whirring along doing my dishes from that morning.
He said the exact same thing, which I did not know before that, so spreading this knowledge.

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Someone should draw this but it's Donut and Mongo does anyone see the vision
Post-Canon where Carl and Donut are a game guide duo. They had to give up a lot to get that deal, to make sure they weren't separated. Their combined contract lasts twice as long as each of them collectively would have had to do. But they refused to be separated, to live for however long without one another and risk not completing their contracts at the same time.
Mordecai gets out and the first news item he hears is about Carl and Donut's contracts and just how *long* they'll be trapped there, in stasis between crawls, how long *he'll* have to wait for them because he had promised them before the end of the crawl that he'd wait for them. He *would* wait for them. He'd do *anything* for his crawlers - his *family*.
After he drinks himself stupid on one of the Open Intellect Action Network's ships he pulls himself together and gets to work.
Mordecai is a lot of things, but he's not stupid. He was a fucking mycologist on his planet, goddamnit. He was a researcher working with grant funding at a university. He knows how to stretch a budget. He knows how to make his work interesting to the right people.
And the people *love* an eccentric weirdo.
He buys a ship (it's one bedroom, a cockpit, and a narrow little cargo bay that he converts into a sound studio). He goes to Crawl Con and corners a bunch of people into agreeing to do interviews with him (Sydnee Iglacia, Drick, Uptown Hal, a dozen other small-time celebrities). And he sets up a goddamn podcast.
It runs on a shoestring budget and is about Dungeon Crawler World. Everything from the history of the Crawl and the way that it was conceived, the inner machinations of how it works, and even about how different mechanics have changed over time. He interviews top crawlers from dozens of seasons. He interviews Dungeon Cookbook Authors. He interviews set designers and production writers and anyone else he can manage to get his talons on.
He brings in an amount of money that if the general public knew they'd be shocked. He squirrels away every cent, subsisting off of waystation food and booze in his little ship.
The first year where The Valtay run a crawl and Carl and Donut are brought out of storage Mordecai chokes up an arm and a leg to sponsor a deity (Horus, a god not in the running for the ascendancy but whose boons align with Mordecai's skills), gets ground-floor interview rights on Carl and Donut's crawlers, and braces himself.
All of Carl and Donut's crawlers die before the fourth floor. None of them get the manager benefit and not a single one of those crawlers listen to Carl and Donut long enough to live to even make deals.
Mordecai watches with his press pass as Carl and Donut grieve. He angles his feed so that he can be as close as possible to them and if he closes his eyes he can pretend he's able to wrap his wings around them and hold them close as Donut sobs and Carl breathes in a slow, forcibly even rhythm.
The next Crawl Mordecai does the same thing. Sponsors Horus, gets ground-floor interview rights on Carl and Donut's crawlers, and braces himself.
Five crawls in he *finally* gets one of those crawlers into a production trailer for an interview. When the interview is done, he shoves a tightly folded note into the crawler's hand and tells them to drop it in Carl and Donut's Tutorial Guild.
He watches as Carl collapses into his chair, staring at the note, his jaw dropped, before he looks up at the ceiling and smiles, letting Donut read the note. She gasps, looking up at the ceiling as well, and Mordecai smiles, unseen by anyone, at the two of them.
One crawl, centuries into Carl and Donut's indentureship, the stars all align. Carl and Donut get an entire team of crawlers that beat the odds, one of which gets the manager benefit with their class. Carl and Donut convince them to worship Horus, and Mordecai's shrine appears in the combined personal space of the party.
He appears in his deity's soul armor, an amalgam of his own Skyfowl form and the humanoid body of the god. Donut and Carl both *gasp* as they see him and he smiles warmly at them, his eyes softening. He wishes he could reach out an touch them, but he can't, they are not who he is here for. Even if these crawlers make it to the tenth floor to make a deal, Mordecai wouldn't be able to touch them until the Ascendancy on the twelf. Steeling himself against his grief, Mordecai turns his gaze on the new crawlers.
"A boon for you, my children," he holds out a taloned hand and summons a book that he has been assembling for this moment and prays to whatever true god is listening doesn't get confiscated.
New Quest! Seekers of Knowledge
You have been given a very valuable item. A Book of Voodoo. Within it contains the knowledge of thousands that have come before you. Take from its pages, but if you do then you must add another page.
Horus: Do not respond to this message or else the showrunners will see what we are speaking of here. Listen to Carl and Donut. I was their manager once just like they are yours now. If you have any questions, pray to my shrine for knowledge and I will help you however I can. Make a show of it. We don't want the worms figuring things out too soon.
Rocky is used to Grace's bedtime rules. Adrien? Not so much.
god bless my father for sheepishly suggesting we should be carl and donut for halloween. we are both adults. halloween is months away. we have never been a costume family. what does he mean by this
idk i would personally rather give up access to certain products seasonally or locally than have people enslaved to give me the ability to have any product any place any time. i think i can go without tomatoes in january.

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I lovelovelove the "Grace is a predator at heart and is built for speed and instincutal action, which scares the ever loving FUCK outta Rocky" posts, so I'm gonna expand upon it a bit.
- Eridian scientists and doctors doing their best to help him when they first get to Erid. A few weeks in, he's in and out of consciousness but doing better, a doctor (in a xenosuit obviously) comes in to check on him, sees he's asleep, so goes to examine him closely, because, you know, alien. Grace, who was only dozing, jerks away so fast it gives poor Dr Limestone a heart attack.
Anyone else thinking about how Important names are to Eridian culture, considering how Rocky addressed himself and Adrian, and what that would mean once Grace got to Erid. (ignore statements of time i refuse to do the conversions)
Imagine, after decades of your world becoming colder and colder, you are saved. A single Eridian, the only one of twenty three to survive, arrives in an alien ship, accompanied by a creature you can barely conceive.
Everything about the alien is so loud, hinges formed from tissue thumping and stretching in constant movement, even while unconscious. Completely organic, reliant of oxygen and hydrogen. Instead of a protective carapace, it regrows its damaged tissues. It has senses you do not, and technology so unlike your own, both able to utilise a force you have never heard of. The same force that killed almost your entire mission team. Highly adaptable, able to teach itself how to fly its ship in under a week, able to become fluent in the engineer's dialect in less than four years.
And if Erid's best engineer is correct (and there's no reason it wouldn't be), this creature not only managed to breed a predator of the warmth-taker to survive in various atmospheres, including Threeworld's, but also turned around to provide aid when it discovered that the predator could escape xenonite.
And you think: Surely, this creature which protects itself without a carapace, which sleeps so lightly and knows so much and learns so quickly, which saved two planets at the cost of ever returning to its thrum, surely, a creature so extraordinary must have a name to match
And you think: Perhaps it is strength, Mountain-Base or Lonsdaleite-Carapace. Perhaps it is intellect, Diamond-Claw or Lockpick-Mind. Perhaps it is courage, Song-Through-Silence or Path-Carver
And you think: None of these names hold the true weight of what this creature is to them. How do you describe something like that, which aids without expectation of anything in return, which risks its own life for the sake of a species it cannot touch, which performs miracles simply because it was asked.
And then you learn: Your saviour's name is Kindness
Just binged through all of @zoe-oneesama ‘s Scarlet lady au, and down back into miracuHell I go. I stopped watching the show seriously a long time ago and now just watch it with my friend in college to have a laugh because god… there are some..writing choices. But honestly I love Zoe’s take on the series so gods damned much. It’s so funny and I love all the character dynamics and shenanigans, and art.
rocky has been planning this whole speech in his head for years about how he loves adrian so much and always will but he has fundamentally changed during this mission and cannot imagine any version of events where he's not by grace's side for the rest of his short life, that grace is his partner and his best friend and his love and he's changed the way he speaks and sings to better suit grace's ears, has a permanent melody that uses grace's heartbeat as a metronome, and he love love loves his mate and has waited to see them again for so long, but if they want him to give up grace he doesn't think that is something he'd be capable of,
and then when adrian actually meets grace they can't stop purring and they're saying 🎶hero grace. saved stars, saved planets. saved adrian mate. love love love.🎶 they're using a courting frequency.
grace likes their voice. cuddles up to them when they watch him sleep. they talk about science, and culture. sometimes rocky just listens to them talk.
"you're thinking too loud, rock," grace says. adrian has one of their limbs around him and chirps in agreement. "something wrong?"
🎶no,🎶 says rocky. 🎶everything perfect.🎶

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Nobody’s Soldier - Hozier x Dungeon Crawler Carl Animatic bc the brainworms demanded it
Extremely rushed comic. I believe he blacked out in college and woke up with a tramp stamp - space themed ofc
More tramp stamp grace