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A few weeks ago my mom stapled pages of a story in one of her women’s magazines together and handed it to me. She gave it to me pretty much with the tag lines “for your feminist blog” and “something new to consider.” Indeed it was; she knows me well.

The story is titled “I was forced to be pregnant.” With a title like that, reading it was actually not on the top of my to read list. I thought it was about women not exercising their right to choice. I was very, very wrong on that one.

Have you ever heard of Reproductive coercion? It is a term that was quite recently coined by the advocates against domestic violence to describe a certain type of abuse some women face. It occurs when a man pressures their partner to have kids and/or impregnates them against their will. Reproductive coercion comes in three different types: 1. Emotional pressure that turns into verbal and physical abuse. 2. Sabotaging birth control 3. Marital rape Over 75% of women 19-49 who reported once experiencing domestic violence also endured some type of reproductive control by men. It’s all about control and domination over a woman’s body.

The first story in the magazine is about a woman who got married around 36 years of age. After a few months of dating her boyfriend talked excitedly about having children. After he proposed he began calling her “The Babymaker.” She then confided with him that one of her fallopian tubes was blocked. He in return insisted she see a fertility doctor. She recounts, “I had finally met a great guy who was eager to start a family with me. What woman wouldn’t fall for that?” Soon after her honeymoon he persisted on in an obsessive manner, but his efforts had to be temporarily halted as she had to get emergency back surgery. Alas, 6 months into recovery he was back to pressuring her again. She was in much pain at the time due to her back, but she agreed to In Vitro Fertilization. She then became pregnant, but soon miscarried. In response, her husband grabbed her by the neck, choking her. He apologized, blaming his outburst on his grief and had her sign up for another round of IVF. And then a third round. She tried to put him off with the excuse that she needed to weigh more before she could take treatments, her husband forced her to get on the scale often and filled the fridge with fattening foods. “It hurt that all I was good for was getting pregnant.” She recounts. At the end, he screamed at her, threatening to replace her with a maid if she couldn’t get pregnant and she told him she no longer wanted to have his child. He destroyed bedroom furniture, pushed her down the stairs and threatened her with a gun. She fled to a domestic violence shelter.

The second story was about a woman who faced marital rape. This woman was 40, had a then boyfriend and two children from a previous marriage. After telling her boyfriend she did not want any more children, her boyfriend refused to wear a condom and began to rape her.  She then became pregnant with her third child. Birth control was never an option for her because she couldn’t hide pills anywhere for he went through all of her belongings. Three months after giving birth, he raped her again, impregnating her with twins. She lost the twins in a physical fight with him, but soon became pregnant again. During her recovery she begged her obstetrician to remove her ovaries and devise a lie to tell him; that she had cancer. After a decade of sexual abuse and violence she was able to get a job that kept her out of the house and often times traveling.

One in four callers to the National Domestic Abuse hotline said that their partners had tried to force them to become pregnant. Why? As one woman stated, “Its like he wants to own me from the inside out.”  Having a baby is the perfect tie that binds. These type of abusers want to create a circumstance in which their partner is dependent on him.

WHAT’S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD?

I went to the Student Health Center—they were completely unhelpful, choosing to lecture me about the importance of safe sex (recommending condoms) instead of actually listening to my problem.

Then I went to Planned Parenthood. The Nurse Practitioner took one look at my fading bruises and stopped the exam. She called in the doctor. The doctor came in and simply asked me: “Are you ready to leave him?” When I denied that I was being abused, she didn’t argue with me. She just asked me what I needed. I said I need a birth control method that my boyfriend couldn’t detect. She recommended a few options and we decided on Depo. 

When I told her that my boyfriend read my emails and listened to my phone messages and was known to follow me, she suggested to do the Depo injections at off hours when the clinic was normally closed. She made a note in my chart and instructed the front desk never to leave messages for me—instead, she programmed her personal cell phone number into my phone under the name “Nora”. She told me she would call me to schedule my appointments; she wouldn’t leave a message, but I should call her back when I was able to.

And that was it. No judgment. No lecture. She walked me to the door and told me to call her day or night if I needed anything. That she lived 5 blocks from campus and would come get me. That I wasn’t alone. That she just wanted me to be safe.

I never called her to come to my rescue. But I have no doubt that she would have come if I had called. She kept me on Depo for a year, giving me those monthly injections in secret, helping me prevent a desperately unwanted pregnancy. 

Dorothy Fadiman had an abortion in 1962, while she was attending classes at Stanford University. It was very much illegal – the abortion, not Stanford – and it cost her $600 old-timey dollars (roughly $8000 in modern money). It also left her hemorrhaging blood so badly that she had to seek emergency medical care. Prior to getting pregnant, Dorothy didn’t even know abortion was “A Thing.” When we asked her about the state of 1950s sex ed, she told us:

“Basically it didn’t exist, if anything they told us about our body parts but we didn’t learn how not to get pregnant, if we did get pregnant, what if any choices we had…”

Birth control was pretty limited back then. And by ‘limited’ we mean ‘Dorothy would’ve had to rob a pharmacy just to get a condom.’ See, at the time, “birth control for unmarried women was illegal. Only married women could get an IUD inserted. And men could buy condoms. But if a man didn’t want to use a condom…”

Prior to her unplanned pregnancy, Dorothy wasn’t what the kids call “woke.” Almost no one was back then. “We were so un-liberated. We were not even aware of what our rights were, and that we had the ability to insist … I didn’t insist, I didn’t know I had the right to insist that a man should wear a condom.”

One woman Fran interviewed for her book had used boric acid to induce an abortion. She had to be hospitalized, and was rendered permanently sterile. The ol’ ‘acid in the vagina’ move was pretty common among young women in pre-Planned Parenthood days.

“I think that was fairly common, yes … I think a lot of women did wind up sterile.”

Abortion is a fact of life for all genders, generations, and backgrounds. It is healthcare that’s necessary and must be made accessible to everyone who needs one. We need to resist the stigma. But what exactly is abortion stigma? #1in3Speaks

WATCH OUR NEW VIDEO ON ABORTION STIGMA HERE.

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Just a reminder to all you cool cats out there, whatever you’re feeling right now is okay and normal. You’re allowed to be upset and cry if you need to, you’re allowed to be happy and have fun, you’re allowed to be indifferent, you’re allowed to feel all of these emotions at once. You’re allowed, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

here is my short real life abortion and early pregnancy survival guide (pastebin)

other links:

How to Get A Safe Abortion, No Matter How Far Along You Are or How Much Money You Have

Check here to see if medicaid will cover your costs

Financial aid for abortions

prochoice.org has a list for each state of NAF funded clinics and free hotlines for information.

Emotions surrounding abortion vary greatly. Regret, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, hurt - even happiness. The list could go on and on, but the most important thing to remember is that every single one is valid. Maybe you feel one at a time. Maybe you feel relief first, and regret fifteen years later. Maybe you find peace after five years of sadness. Maybe you feel everything at once.

So what do you do? On one side, people are adamant about most people feeling relief. On the other, they drill regret and depression. Take a moment and forget the sides. Knock down that damn barrier that keeps you from fully wrapping your mind around your feelings. Forget the debates (no matter how polite they are), forget the fake sympathy that sounds so sticky sweet from those who pretend to care, and forget the cruel words that attack your personal decision. Focus on you and your needs.

Perhaps your needs include a nice cup of Irish breakfast tea (Mint? Earl Grey? Green?) and a hot bath. Or maybe you need a good book and a snuggle with your puppy. Maybe a good Lifetime movie and a long cry will help everything.

Or maybe your needs include a talk with your best friend. Your mother. Your sweet old horse that taught you to always get back in the saddle. Or even yourself - that long blog post lifted such a heavy weight from your shoulders!

But maybe you need more help. Maybe you need to speak with someone who doesn’t know you. Maybe you need spiritual healing. Maybe you just want to talk to someone - anyone - who will listen and leave their personal feelings behind.

So where do you go? And how do you know if a place is safe - how do you know they won’t judge you?

After some personal research, I’ve compiled a list of safe places and unsafe places. This list comes from looking at the websites and their wording and follower recommendations.

What is Safe:

Exhale - (1-866-4-394253) - Available in multiple languages (English, Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese). Talkline is open Monday-Friday 5:00-10:00 PM Pacific Time, and Saturday-Sunday 12-10 PM Pacific Time. If you live outside the United States, you can call (510-446-7977)

Connect and Breathe - (1-866-647-1764) - Listening Line is open Tuesdays 6pm-9pm EST, Thursdays 6pm-9pm EST, and Saturdays 10am-2pm EST

Faith Aloud - (1-888-717-5010) - This is a nonjudgmental religious (Roman Catholic, Jewish, Unitarian-Universalist, Protestant Christian, and Buddhist) hotline. You will have to call ahead to set up an appointment. Tell the person who answers that you would like to set up an appointment with a counselor. They will take a little bit of information and then select a counselor who would be a good fit for you.  They will have the counselor call you at the time of your choice.  If you receive the voicemail when you call, just leave a first name and number and say that you want to speak with a counselor.

Backline - (888.493.0092) - Offers pre- and post-decision counseling and resources.

What is Not Safe:

Project Rachel - Many Project Rachel centers have websites, and almost all of them shame those who have had an abortion on the first page. (The one in Atlanta, for example, has the photo of a man with the sign “Abortion Kills Children” as their header). The main website also claims that they do not cater to those who felt relief after their abortion.

Rachel’s Vineyard - This extremely rude and snarky answer in their FAQ raised red flags for me.

This is not a safe place.

Pro-Life America - Uses the fear tactic that there is a relation between abortion and breast cancer.

Option Line - This name is extremely misleading! Very anti-abortion and a lot of shameful language on the website.

Surrendering the Secret - At first glance, this looks like a great supportive, religious post-abortion Bible Study. And while some of the material is wonderful for those looking for a Christian perspective, the video they give as an overview concerns me. The woman who started the group states that she wants post-abortive women to “use their stories to tell people the horrible truth about abortion.” I’m hesitant to call this a safe space.

Emotions surrounding abortion vary greatly. Regret, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, hurt - even happiness. The list could go on and on, but the most important thing to remember is that every single one is valid. Maybe you feel one at a time. Maybe you feel relief first, and regret fifteen years later. Maybe you find peace after five years of sadness. Maybe you feel everything at once.

So what do you do? On one side, people are adamant about most people feeling relief. On the other, they drill regret and depression. Take a moment and forget the sides. Knock down that damn barrier that keeps you from fully wrapping your mind around your feelings. Forget the debates (no matter how polite they are), forget the fake sympathy that sounds so sticky sweet from those who pretend to care, and forget the cruel words that attack your personal decision. Focus on you and your needs.

Perhaps your needs include a nice cup of Irish breakfast tea (Mint? Earl Grey? Green?) and a hot bath. Or maybe you need a good book and a snuggle with your puppy. Maybe a good Lifetime movie and a long cry will help everything.

Or maybe your needs include a talk with your best friend. Your mother. Your sweet old horse that taught you to always get back in the saddle. Or even yourself - that long blog post lifted such a heavy weight from your shoulders!

But maybe you need more help. Maybe you need to speak with someone who doesn’t know you. Maybe you need spiritual healing. Maybe you just want to talk to someone - anyone - who will listen and leave their personal feelings behind.

So where do you go? And how do you know if a place is safe - how do you know they won’t judge you?

After some personal research, I’ve compiled a list of safe places and unsafe places. This list comes from looking at the websites and their wording and follower recommendations.

What is Safe:

Exhale - (1-866-4-394253) - Available in multiple languages (English, Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese). Talkline is open Monday-Friday 5:00-10:00 PM Pacific Time, and Saturday-Sunday 12-10 PM Pacific Time. If you live outside the United States, you can call (510-446-7977)

Connect and Breathe - (1-866-647-1764) - Listening Line is open Tuesdays 6pm-9pm EST, Thursdays 6pm-9pm EST, and Saturdays 10am-2pm EST

Faith Aloud - (1-888-717-5010) - This is a nonjudgmental religious (Roman Catholic, Jewish, Unitarian-Universalist, Protestant Christian, and Buddhist) hotline. You will have to call ahead to set up an appointment. Tell the person who answers that you would like to set up an appointment with a counselor. They will take a little bit of information and then select a counselor who would be a good fit for you.  They will have the counselor call you at the time of your choice.  If you receive the voicemail when you call, just leave a first name and number and say that you want to speak with a counselor.

Backline - (888.493.0092) - Offers pre- and post-decision counseling and resources.

What is Not Safe:

Project Rachel - Many Project Rachel centers have websites, and almost all of them shame those who have had an abortion on the first page. (The one in Atlanta, for example, has the photo of a man with the sign “Abortion Kills Children” as their header). The main website also claims that they do not cater to those who felt relief after their abortion.

Rachel’s Vineyard - This extremely rude and snarky answer in their FAQ raised red flags for me.

This is not a safe place.

Pro-Life America - Uses the fear tactic that there is a relation between abortion and breast cancer.

Option Line - This name is extremely misleading! Very anti-abortion and a lot of shameful language on the website.

Surrendering the Secret - At first glance, this looks like a great supportive, religious post-abortion Bible Study. And while some of the material is wonderful for those looking for a Christian perspective, the video they give as an overview concerns me. The woman who started the group states that she wants post-abortive women to “use their stories to tell people the horrible truth about abortion.” I’m hesitant to call this a safe space.

How We Know ‘Pro-Life’ People Don’t Actually Care About Reducing Abortions

Scarlet Letters: Getting the History of Abortion and Contraception Right

This was a really fascinating read. Until the early 19th century, abortion was legal until “quickening,” or when the pregnant person first felt the baby kick - anywhere from 14 to 26 weeks into the pregnancy. Society only began to condemn it when people decided white, middle- to upperclass women weren’t having enough children soon enough in their lives, and when male doctors started taking over traditionally female health care fields, like midwifery.

This is what a real, qualified OBGYN will tell you about what women feel when they get an abortion

They are “too young.”

They have been raped.

Their health will be affected.

The child will be born into pain or suffering.