human mess

For my nominations, I’m putting up:

If you eat a chocolate bar a very specific way, you will break physics and get infinite chocolate.

or

It is impossible that you spelled “Berenstain Bears” wrong and is, instead, more likely that the universe fractured into separate, overlapping realities in the last 20 years.

“Bitch, That’s the Tubby Custard Machine” (http://imgur.com/gallery/IObQF)

Every millennial who grew up watching “Spongebob Squarepants” has come to the same horrifying conclusion: you have turned into Squidward. No matter how buoyant, how cheerful, how optimistic you were as a child, there comes a point where you begin to identify with Squidward more than any other character in the show.

You could explain this phenomenon with the disillusionment and cynicism of growing up, or the burdens of being a teenager in a post-John Hughes society. There is, however, an even simpler answer. Spongebob is an allegory for Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto. The show revolves around Spongebob, the hardworking proletariat, accepting a low-level fry cook job and enduring Mr. Krabs’ exploitation with a grin on his face.

The face of compliance

It’s not hard to draw the parallels between Mr. Krabs and the bourgeoisie. He’s a cheapskate who underpays and overworks his employees for his own personal gain. Mr. Krabs famously ripped off his own arms (claws?) to retrieve a dime that fell down the drain. He took his workers on a boating trip to retrieve his millionth dollar from the jaws of a giant clam. He has zero regard for his employees’ safety and almost routinely puts them in danger for his own benefit.  Mr. Krabs’ daughter, Pearl is an extension of the bourgeoisie archetype. She’s vain, self-centered, and largely unaware of others’ misfortune. She lives in a bubble, obsessed with clothes, makeup, and celebrities — because she has the leisure for such frivolities.

Remember when Pearl gentrified The Krusty Krab

Speaking of living in a bubble, Sandy is not exempt from analysis. Sandy is quite literally shielded away from the rest of the world. She represents the intellectual elite, using her privilege and higher education to jeopardize working class jobs and further the industrial revolution. Her endeavors into space mirror the Cold War-era “Space Race,” capitalism versus communism. Her voyage ends on the moon, just like the U.S.’s did. On top of her scientific record, Sandy is independent and self-sufficient, exemplifying capitalistic ideals of individualism.

If Sandy is the intellectual elite, then Patrick Star is just the opposite. Patrick represents the bourgeois caricature of the working class that capitalists want you to buy into. He is ignorant, undereducated, and lazy. He lives under a rock, likely because he can’t afford anything else — although he doesn’t seem to mind. Patrick appears to deserve his poverty because he does nothing but sleep, yet he also seems at peace with his lot. This idea of the happy, unproductive bum simultaneously vilifies and justifies the proletariat. “See, they’re poor because they just don’t work hard enough! In fact, they like being poor!” Patrick Star is arguably one of the most offensive cartoon depictions of this generation.

Blatant vilification of blue-collar workers

Spongebob, on the other hand, represents the ideal proletariat. Spongebob is hardworking, humble, and endlessly optimistic. He’s a lot like us before we realized the inherent evils of a capitalistic society. Day in and day out, Spongebob gleefully works a minimum-wage job flipping burgers with no hope of promotion. He’s a cog in Mr. Krabs’ greasy machine, but he doesn’t even realize it. He just continues to skip to work every day, chanting “I’m ready!”. Ready for what, Spongebob? Ready for the bourgeoisie Kool-aid he’s been absorbing through his poriferous sponge body.

Spongebob is the ideal worker, and as children, we aspired to be just like him. The very first episode of Spongebob showed him getting his first job as fry cook. According to the show, the very best achievement you could receive is being gainfully employed. Not only employed, but tirelessly productive and efficient to maximize your manager’s profits. Spongebob famously served busloads of anchovies at a never-before-seen pace. It wasn’t enough that Spongebob could perform his job well; he had to go above and beyond his duty in order to seem valuable. These are the principles we instilled in the youth of today. What went wrong?

Back, finally, to Squidward. Squidward isn’t like Spongebob or Patrick. He isn’t satisfied in his low-level employment. What Squidward seeks is artistic satisfaction and world renown. He covets the success of his employer without achieving the work ethic necessary for someone of his class to ascend. Squidward has realized that the cards have been stacked against him at every turn, and resigns himself bitterly to the clutches of capitalism. If Squidward were less jaded, he could be the catalyst to prompt full-scale class warfare, perhaps ending in a communist utopia. Unfortunately, Squidward’s defeatist personality and egoism prevents him from implementing social change.

Mfw I realized I will never dismantle oppressive power structures that infiltrate our economic landscape

That is why we are all Squidward. We’ve uncovered the limits of capitalism and realized that hard work may not always pay off. We’ve begun to notice the oppressive economic and social structure that infiltrates our everyday life. We yearn for something higher, but feel that change is out of our reach. We become bitter, combative, self-deprecative, and cynical. There’s a reason Squidward is the unhappiest character on “Spongebob.” Not only for faults of his own, but for his own rotten luck. The show subliminally punishes Squidward for his views, hoping to prod viewers back towards Spongebob’s blithe, unfounded optimism.

In light of that fact, here’s my go at cybersexing Cleverbot.

alrighty, let’s go one more step

Imagine that. Just take a moment. You’ve won some ridiculous sum of money. All your problems are over. 

And then the phone calls start.

This is why you CONTACT A LAWYER. A lawyer from a LARGE, NATIONAL FIRM, no juniors or associates, you want a full-blown partner. Don’t use anyone local or anything. You want somebody who has no clue who you are, and somebody who works in ‘Trusts and Estates’.

Play dress-up when you go to collect your money if there is any possibility of photographs. Been wanting to change your hair drastically? DO IT AFTER. Now is the time for all that foundation that doesn’t match and the makeup you hate! Wear the stupid hat that makes you look like a flower pot! Wear the clothes that make you look like you have a totally different body shape! Grow the douchebeard! Just change what you look like. You don’t want to be recognized. There was a lottery winner who was forced away from his favorite eating spot because financial stalkers would lurk and demand cash or ‘suggest’ ways to spend his money, and these weren’t people interested in job interviews or anything. When he had to stop going there, they figured out where he lived and started intimidating and accosting family members.

See if you can get them to write your name differently if there’s a giant cheque, too. Instead of Alyn Tony Jones or something, see if they’ll just put A. T. Jones. Now, I’m fucked because my last name is pretty unique, but you might not be!

Collect your prize in a locale that is as far away from your home area as possible. By this point, you should have already made your plans for all of this shit and where the money is going, read ahead for that. Then? Vanish. For a month. Take a cruise or just take off in your car or go rent a beachfront. Roleplay Carmen Sandiego or Where’s Waldo. Wait for everyone to calm their tits.

Take the lump sum. You take a tax hit but you also have access to all the cash, and no, you won’t be beating inflation somehow by taking the annuity.

Decide, RIGHT FUCKING NOW, how much you are going to give to your family and friends. Inform your lawyer of that amount. Don’t talk to your family about this or you get into endless arguments over how much you gave to who, and who influenced you to do that, which– no joke– may result in a lawsuit. Because people are greedy, ignorant, and sue-happy.

Worth noting. Do not buy them sweet fuck all, and do not under any circumstances hand out cash (you will never be able to stop without being labeled a stingy bitch). No houses. No cars. Set up trusts. These trusts should not total more than 15-20% of your new worth. Then dictate what they can do with that trust. Higher education? Sure! Down payment for a house? Eh… should they be buying a house if they can’t even afford the down payment without help? It’s another thing entirely if something in the house that wasn’t their fault catastrophically failed. You’ve already set up a trust for them that is massively generous.

Put like 30% of your cash in a Swiss bank account and buy some municipal bonds, Swiss bonds, an S&P 500 doodah. These are your safety nets. Unless the world economy gets drop-kicked into the toilet, you are now taken care of for life solely off of these. So you could go nuts on whatever remains and buy eight thousand spinning wheels or something. With your lawyer (LAWYER) you should be protected from most lawsuits, and the trusts ensure your family is taken care of because those trusts cannot be touched. However, don’t put all your money in these– invest in some real estate, stocks and bonds, whatever. But learn about it all and figure out how this shit works. Do not sign ANYTHING until you understand exactly what is going on, and ask every stupid question before signing and get second opinions. You do not want to be snookered out of your cash.

So. You should also have: changed your phone numbers to unlisted ones, gotten a PO box and immediately switched all mail delivery to the PO box. Shred any mail that turns up that is not from somebody you know. 

PLEASE STOP if u:

say random ass korean words ‘oppa’ ‘wae’ ‘saranghae’ ‘selca’(i’ll give u a pass on some when there aren’t english equivalents like ‘maknae’ - except for ‘oppa’ it depends on the context but 99% its annoying af) even if u use it ~ironically~

call idols with ‘-ah’ or ‘-i’ at the end of their name esp in THE WRONG CONTE XT (you prob can’t even tell the difference between -yah and -ah) like ‘sehun-ah’ 

give yourself a korean nickname (who the hell does this??)

aka basically using my language as a fuckin accessory and literally degrading it

think kpop fans saying some korean phrases is like kpop idols having english in their songs. newsflash: no

make fun of idols’ english 

or even think it’s ~sooo cute~ when they speak english

think korean men are hot (rlly? do u think roh moohyun is hot?) and want a ~*~korean boyfriend~*~ (or even worse go to korea to teach english)

want to be korean or ~feel korean at heart

have an URL like ‘koreanontheinside’ or ‘ilovekoreanboys’ or ‘asianatheart’ just no

think you know korean culture because you listen to kpop and watch kpop dramas and movies 

think koreans should ‘appreciate’ your ‘love’ for kpop and kdramas because ur ‘appreciating’ our culture when ur culturally appropriating and fetishizing koreans

excuse an idol’s problematic behavior by saying ‘but in korea it’s different’ or ‘they didn’t mean it / it was a joke’

excuse an idol’s problematic behavior period

do call out an idols’ problematic behavior BUT without taking in the context (as in, you don’t acknowledge that you are criticing it from a western perspective)

wish there was more diversity (read: white) in kpop but you don’t acknowledge the thai, chinese, mixed (lee michelle, yoon mirae), etc. singers in the korean music industry

edit gifs to make it ‘lighter’ aka bleaching the hell out of the idol’s skin tone and then make shitty excuses about it

if you like eatyourkimchi