nicole

let me try to explain it.

imagine you are in a sensory deprivation chamber all of the time and you are desperate for a way out. someone opens the door a crack. of course you're going to claw at that crack until you feel a bit of sunlight on your face - it's more than you've had in forever.

now, that, but emotionally. i feel bored or dissatisfied to an excruciating extent and when i find a 'crack' (such as a reason to argue with someone, breaking rules, theft, lying, etc), i will claw at it until i get an adrenaline rush - also known as thrill-seeking.

but imagine you're also NOT allowed to do that and are expected to sit and be pretty for the world because they don't like when you do that. it's hurtful. i understand that, and i don't want to necessarily hurt other people, but if it happens i am not torn up over it because i got that bit of sunlight on my face.

masking is very vigorous and tiring. the 'basic expectation' can wipe me out completely for days. even people who i'm supposed to be able to trust and unmask around, i still have to mask a little bit at least. it makes me seem irrational and completely immature when i explode off of little things like being disagreed with, but what people don't understand is that everything i do is masking and it all adds up to the bomb going off.