365 Notes

Lets start with this: i never knew if I would ever be a mom. I never really decide if i wanted to be one. But then one day... i got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy. I would never change that for the world. I think life leads us towards our fears sometimes and makes us realize just how beautiful life can be. I never even knew if my boyfriend would get his life straight but he has completely become an amazing father like I knew he would be one day. And although I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, i am also considering that too. I guess what I'm saying is this: just because something may not interest you now and may not seem important now, it could be one day. And that is the day you will realize how different you are becoming. My priorities are changing, and it doesn't scare me like it used to. All I see in my future now is raising a family with the love of my life. And although money is tight and life can be hard, I would do absolutely anything to make sure my son is fed and happy because he is absolutely the beat thing that has happened to me. He lights up my life with every smile, and he also makes me slow down with every cry. All I want to do is hold him and brag about him everyday. His little hands stole my heart and his little feet ran away with it.

Well. Here we go tumblr. Another day to rant. Well lets start off with the good news. I am pregnant. 34 weeks and our rainbow baby is on his way. But here's the kicker... i just feel so frustrated right now. My baby shower is this weekend and although we invited about 30 people, maybe 10 are actually going to be there. Oh and i should mention that 5 people who RSVP'd that they would go, have actually decided they won't make it. So fml. Truth is i didn't really want a big baby shower to begin with but now that i have one planned and themed all cute and stuff, im pretty dammed pissed off that people wont be there. For my first child, nobody wants to celebrate. Yet for my cousin's 4th illegitimate child, my entire family had to show up. Like i guess its true, my mom and I are black sheep of the family over here! Just keep ignoring us and letting us be. Who cares about a new baby, right? Its not a big life celebration or anything. Uggghhh. I'm just hoping it wont be a shitty ass party cause that will just make me more angry. I really also just want to cry because things just are stressful. Adulting is hard. Planning for a baby is hard. I just want to curl into a ball and sob to get away from problems. Uggghhh. Stupid hormones, stupid people.

Well. Not really sure how to feel today. My best friend's young child and her dad were in a car accident but thank god they are both okay. I keep seeing her post about how thankful she is that they survived and im happy her family is going to be okay. Im just kinda in a funk now because i see how much love she has for her child and im over here still not fully over the miscarriage. I mean its now my first period after it and i feel all funky but im still disappointed. Like i know im going to school and im about to get a good promotion at work and all but im feeling a bit lost. Confused. Frustrated. Ive hit that point that i just wanna cry just to fucking cry. Cry that the one child im kinda close to is terrified of crashing again. Cry that my best friend has to comfort her baby cause hes terrified and she has to take care of her dad cause one idiot ran a red light. And i just wanna cry cause life just sucks ya know. And i have absolutely no idea where my life is even headed. Just feel stuck all of a sudden. Ive been up the last couple nights cause i have no urge to sleep and when i do its only a couple hrs here a couple there. Idk what hit me. But i dont feel like regular me much. Im just bored and feeling alone. maybe thats just the 20 something lifestyle now.

So there ya go. Another post brought to you by heartache. Goodbye little blueberry. I miss you. 💜💜😭😭😭💜💜😭😭😭

But is it bad that i want that innocent pink dress to be the one, the one that i have the best sex in? Oh that would be ironic, an innocent dress but so damn dirty. Oh how a girl can dream. Now, lets wait for him to notice that im just so damn horny. Hahabaa.

driving, respobsibilty, not killing people and dealing with people, eating something other than junk food, and bills, lots and lots of bills all together and BAM! thats the adult life. Its hard. Stress everyday, everytime i worry its cause of stress. Stress that im not good enough, stress of disappointment, stress from lack of money, stress from lack of a healthy diet. Stress, stress, stress. Im not even 30 yet some days I feel 120! I just wish for a vacation again. Just another 3 day weekend, or a summer vacation. A christmas vacation. Just something. I want to win the lottery, just to be able to pay off my debt and treat myself for once. Thats what its like adulting nowadays. I dont have kids and this is why. I cant even find my own happiness cause of overwhelming stress why would i bring and raise a child amongst that? Welcome to AMERICA people. Nobody wants kids to be unhappy, so why should all the unhappy adults be raising kids? Oh thats right. Cause there's also this thing called a biological clock, so women usually dont have a good chance to have kids after like 40. (I also stress about that). I want a family and a career but i dont wanna have to give up and ignore one or the other. And it sucks. Im so far away from EVERYTHING I've EVER wanted but yet so close to eternal unhappiness. Honestly though, i really just want to make up my mind on what kind of food i want so i can stop overthinking and just be content for now.

So my ex moved back to California. Just for me. Yay! 😋🤣😊 For a while i thought i would never ever go back to him after all the pain, drama and all. But im slowly realizing maybe change can happen. Maybe time apart was good for us. I feel bad for leaving the guy i was kinda with but i learned things i needed to learn from him. Just like my (bf again) needed to learn things without me. Im learning to trust and a truely forgive again. But Im praying that he and i can work to pay off our debt fast and hopefully plan a nice vacation after or around Christmas. God knows we both need it. The funny thing is i learned to play munchkin without my bf and he learned to play it while he was outta state and with someone else. And who knows, maybe one day we will play it together. Life is crazy, all i know is i needed this peace again. I needed my giant teddy bear. As much as i didnt want to admit it, i missed so much about our life together. 2017 has been kind of a bust and shitty year. Although, i learned to go to the gym by myself. Hahhaa. Maybe by 2018 things will be much better!

Life is life. It never ceases to slow down for a minute or even a second. But somehow when you dont even realize it, you start to forget the pain, and you heal. And you start to remember joy. It may be someone new, someone completely strange and oddly refreshing but its a sign of moving on. I thought i was stuck. I thought i would be damaged for a while. And maybe ill still be working my ass off to fully forget stupid choices but i can finally smell some roses again. I found someone new. A new friend, a best friend, ive needed in my life. I found a new way to move on. I found freedom and happiness and excitement and i promise i will never look back again. I'm moving on and looking forward to silly, free, alive, happy me again. They say im happy cause im getting laid. But i think im happy cause there is no pain in my life atm and that is so freeing that all i want to do is smile. I found someone who can heal me and encourage me and give me a reason to smile again.

All my exes. Each one taught me something new. #1) taught me to trust my instincts and that making out and ditching class can be fun. #2) taught me to love. Like really taught me how to be sexual, how to give hickeys, handjobs, etc. and also taught me that no one should judge me for who i am... even though he did. #3) taught me to really have sex and Different positions. He gave me good sex and terrible sex, but he also taught me that i should not be naive when it comes to relationships. I have learned to be a little more cold and have put up more walls because of him. But, i also learned that a real man will be patient and will actually make out with you just because. A real man, will never purposely hurt you but he will be there to hold you instead. And truth is: if it wasnt for my exes i wouldn't be the person i am. I may not be this sly kinky girl who loves sex and knows how to be sexually comfortable now. I would probably still be naive and innocent but curious. And another thought is that i would feel so ashamed of myself if it wasnt for my past. But today, i have bite marks on my back from a really good night with a guy who can go more than once in a night. And i can appreciate all the small things he does. I can appreciate just cuddling and being close to him. I know he's not perfect, i know he's just as fucked up as i am but between us, we work. This may not be "taking things slow" but for my mind and heart, this is all I've ever really wanted: a close friend to fuck, and kiss, share my secrets with, play card games with, and just have my own freedom at the same time. Ive known him so short of a time, but i already feel like ive been missing him forever.

Well. This is my life. I was raised to stay a virgin until marriage. Well. That didn't happen. And I blame my exes. Ex 1:was to pushy for sex so he cheated on me when i was a virgin. Ex 2: pretty much pushes me into sex but i didnt decline cause I didn't care. He was my first and only and I was with him for 3 years after that night. And now here i am, pretty pissed that he screwed me over so much. And truth be told, he was a terrible lover. I wanted so much more than vanilla and to do the same thing over and over. In 3 years we probably only had sex 20 times. Sad but true. So now, this almost good girl now has slept with 3 guys. One of which was the ex who cheated on me when i was a virgin. 2 more still want me. And I'm enjoying playing around with them. The only way they may know i have others is the hickeys on my tits sometimes. Maybe im just still wrecked from the 3 years of almost no sex or maybe my ex in general. But maybe I'm also enjoying being young. There is a possibility that I may start dating one of these guys but right now thats hard to choose. I really think of one as my closest friend. Another one is kinky af and i could go for that adventure. #3 is another kinky one but he's an arrogant ass. And #4 is the back up plan: aka ex #1 for hookups only. All i know is i like sex. I like having food licked off me. I like my hair pulled. I like talking dirty. I like teasing. I like being in control. I like dick. I like light bdsm. My kinky side is still waiting for more some days. If my family knew what my friends (and some of my coworkers) knew they would probably hate my choices and tell me to be a better person. But for now, this is what i want: to experiment and live. I want to focus on my needs for once and if that means i need just some good sex, then so be it. P.s. I am clean, and am safe so suck it if you don't like my thoughts. I am me. That is what matters. I don't ever plan to be fake.

Well, it's been a while tumblr. Lots has happened. Ive been "single" for a while. Started talking to that fuck buddy again. And i may end up dating him one day. I even started talking and hooking up with an ex from 5 yrs ago. Only problem is that i dont want him. I want my friend. My love. I want someone to comfort me on hard days. I want a relationship. Especially since i found out my most recent ex whom i dated for 3 yrs just got a new gf. I want my cuddle buddy again. I want someone to just be with. I feel happy being single but i still feel so alone. I spent my birthday with my "fuck buddy" lets call him J. And i had the most amazing day with him. I just wish i could let go of all the good memories of my ex and push forward. As much as i hate him for everything hes done, it's so hard just to let go. Just to be me again. I miss J everyday i dont see him but i miss my old life. Playing adults with my ex. I miss our apartment and coming home just to watch tv with him. I have so much anger and pain left and nothing to do with it all. Ive been trying to be healthy and run it off at the gym (ive lost like 3lbs so far). But running doesnt change my pain. Im stuck. Im lonely but i know im not alone. I want to cry. But i want to move on. How do i move on when 3 years of my life is over? 3 years of hope of a future with a good man who promised me a life and left me in debt, alone and miserable. And then im reminded of the fact i cant have pets and i want a therapy cat to cry to. To cuddle. I need cuddles. I need a hug.

So my brain has been driving me crazy the past week or 2. Life is crazy, had a fuck buddy for a while. Thought about dating him actually but then my ex decides he wants to get back together. So once again we got back together. But my dreams have been crazier than ever. Dream one: i dreamt that i was having dinner at my fuck buddy's house with his family (that ive never met) and a couple of my coworkers. And somehow his mom and dad wanted me to help with dishes later. It was a nice dream. Makes me think i dont wanna be back together with my ex though. Dream two: so i find this one hilarious but traumatizing. I dreamt last night that my parents knew President trump and at some event he tried hitting on me. And he tried really hard to get me to sleep with him. It was totally odd. I really dont know what my brain is thinking anymore.

Ive been single for a week yet i already met someone else. Not really a guy to date but not really a friend with benefits. Just a guy to talk to. Yeah maybe having sex wasnt a smart idea but it was nice to actually enjoy myself for once. Nice to just be an open book and spill out everything ive ever tried to supress. And as for my ex, i miss him but i dont, im on to bigger and better things without him. Im at a point where yes im confused, yes im slightly lonely and yes i get horny but im okay with that. Im living without regrets and that's what being young is about. Having fun and thinking later. THIS is what i needed today. Needed it all.

Ive been single for a week yet i already met someone else. Not really a guy to date but not really a friend with benefits. Just a guy to talk to. Yeah maybe having sex wasnt a smart idea but it was nice to actually enjoy myself for once. Nice to just be an open book and spill out everything ive ever tried to supress. And as for my ex, i miss him but i dont, im on to bigger and better things without him. Im at a point where yes im confused, yes im slightly lonely and yes i get horny but im okay with that. Im living without regrets and that's what being young is about. Having fun and thinking later. THIS is what i needed today. Needed it all.

Yes. We were together 3 years. Yes, we had planned to be together forever. But there was no love. No spark. No connection. No sexual chemistry. And although it may seem like a wasted youth, and a waste of money, gas, and wasted hope. It wasnt that. It wasnt wasted because i know you changed me. You made me realize freedom right in front of my face that id never seen in my life. You taught me how to adult and live on my own. You showed me the world and every season it had to offer. You showed me how to be optimistic when there was so little hope. We may not have been in love but you still showed me love. Showed me a best friendship. Showed me how to be strong when i thought it wasnt possible. You changed me. I was a young virgin. Naiive, lonely, broken. And somehow even though we are breaking up, i feel more whole now than at any point in that relationship. Life hurts, and the memories will always be in my mind. A love that was never meant to be. I hope you find a real head over heels love, a lifetime love that you would always die for, just like i have always wished for. I wish you the best george. I hope you find your queen one day. You deserve someone who will give you everything you need and wont ever doubt you or resent you.