this doesn’t feel long enough to be posted on ao3. anyways here’s my phoenix parenting thoughts <3
I am not meant to be a father.
This was the one thought that dominated Phoenix’s mind as he sat silently on his apartment couch, someone’s child sleeping in his arms.
I am not meant to be a father.
His life, his meaning, was torn apart before he could even comprehend what was happening, and now, all he was left with was a child. It felt heavy in his arms, which was likely normal for a child, but Phoenix couldn’t help but feel that part of the weight was emotional.
How was he supposed to handle this? He couldn’t drop it off on the curb. He couldn’t return it. This was his. Somebody made this his. And for once in his life, he can’t pull some trick from his sleeve, he can’t create a turnabout. This was unchangeable.
He stared at it. He felt nothing. And yet, he pulled it closer, the movement almost instinctual. It shouldn’t have been, he wasn’t a father and he shouldn’t be a father and he didn’t want to be a father and yet he was.
You are not meant to be a father.
This was the one thought that dominated Trucy’s mind as she sat silently on the apartment couch, alone.
You are not meant to be a father.
She felt contempt rise in her throat but it never made it out. She, instead, continued in her silence.
- Her father was not trying hard enough.
But she couldn’t wrap her head around the second fact, too full of guilt from the first fact to think any further. He was trying, she told herself, and that’s better than most parents, so she can’t be angry.
It was selfish to be angry.
Everyone else in her life was allowed to be selfish, but she would never let herself. She didn’t let herself do a lot of things, a sort of ‘self-parenting’ technique she must’ve initiated subconsciously.
Trucy closed her eyes. Counted to three. And she plastered a smile on. It was fine. Everything was fine. It shouldn’t be, but yet, she told herself it was. And that was that.
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