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i say yay and yippee a lot but i mean it. i always mean it. *looks into the distance pensively*

riding the highest horse you’ve ever seen back to my glass house

hey. i heard what the devil on your shoulder just told you to do to me. pervert.

the circus is empty, all of the monkeys are here

a bunnies. hops

a bunnies. flops

a bunnies. kill

the main issue with problems is how bad they suck. but what if there was a app that let you bet on child surgeries

everything is getting worse and thats why it's SO so important that we have fun and hang out and play and im being serious im being unimaginable amounts of serious

superbat is a bad ship name. it should be manman

everyone in the grocery store is my enemy

i know every phone number

do you know who they all belong to?

everyone that has phones

what's mine

hole in the ground for extracting minerals

can you tell me what my phone number is?

i can basically do whatever i want

i love showering it's literally like... im clean now! lol. and i no longer have mental illnesses

Resteraunt servers have the funniest and most surreal workplace stories of any profession. They have the job that mean nurses think they have. The entire world is working against them the entire shift. And then you feel terrible for laughing. It’s not funny that you tripped and spilled an entire ice tea all over a toddler and the kid started screaming at the top of his lungs. Nobody was having a good day, thank God it wasn’t a hot coffee. That’s not funny. I did laugh so hard tears started rolling down my face when you recounted this mortifying ordeal though.