Clomid Diaries

Our one fertilized embryo did not make it. It arrested on Day 3. My doctor believes it was an egg quality issue. The second round would be adjusted by adding human growth hormone, another injection on top of the ones I’ll be taking. We are also looking into Fresh Transfer this time around if we have viable embryos.

We got the call that our embryo did not make it on June 17th, also the day that I quit without notice at my job. On top of the IVF stressors I was dealing with, I had a very unpleasant experience with the director at work who made it clear that I was being discriminated for infertility and seeking IVF treatments.

The moment I started Cycle Day 1, on May 18, I let my director know my availability and told her I would be unable to work on June 10-12. Our center is closed every Wednesday (6/10) so I would’ve only missed the Thursday & Friday (6/11, 6/12). It was a planned absence that she approved, and I also provided a doctors note- which showed on the letterhead that note was from an IVF doctor. The director had my orientation review on Monday, June 15 and told me that my attendance “needed improvement” because I was unavailable the week prior and she had to cover for me...?! She proceeded to ask if this was going to be a monthly ongoing thing and if I was going to need bed rest since “this cannot be happening every month.” I also found out that she hired employee that was not in her child bearing years the week I was off!

I felt it to my core that I was being discriminated. I felt flustered and cried in my car immediately after this “orientation” review. I started this job 2 weeks before they shut down for covid. 7 weeks had passed and I worked for 5 weeks before this orientation review took place. So I wasn’t with this company for very long. I had no attachments.

It all worked out for the better because I started a new job the next week, on June 22nd. And this work environment is so much better! Coincidentally, my good friends brother works for this company and has been there for a decade. Relief to know the turn over rate isn’t high and that friendly people worked there. My schedule is also more accommodating, and it is SO close to home. Like two miles away from home!

Currently, I’m on Cycle Day 33. No period yet, but negative pregnancy test. The cycle after getting a period from the egg retrieval is so long... likely cause I had zero eggs in my ovaries after retrieval and they had to grow? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I cried today because I feel AF coming and I know I’m going to go through the IVF roller coaster again.

So out of the 4 mature eggs, only ONE fertilized 😭 I really don’t understand why. We even did ICSI where they inject the sperm into the egg. Our doctor told us that:

One egg “should’ve fertilized and they’re not sure why it didn’t”

One egg looked like it had some fragments so it was no surprise it didn’t fertilize.

One egg they are keeping because it might just need “more time” though it’s a 1 in 20 chance that it will fertilize.

And our one egg that did fertilize... we have to wait until Day 5 to see if it becomes a blastocyst.

We are mentally preparing ourselves to go through a second round, although I’m not sure what we would do differently... I was already placed on the highest dose and we now know I don’t respond well to the meds.

Recovery from the egg retrieval wasn’t too terrible. I’ve had worse period cramps than this. However I am very bloated. I gained 4 lbs in the span of 2 weeks from the hormones.

I don’t know if I’m in denial, but I just really didn’t think it would be this hard for us to get pregnant! I’m so lost. I didn’t think my fertility issue was this severe to need another round of IVF.

Even if our embryo makes it to day 5, I still need to do a saline infused sonogram before transfer. We will decide on doing another round OR transferring the one embryo we have- If it makes it! 🤞🏼the thought process is that if we want to have another child, it would be best for my eggs to be harvested now.

Egg 🥚 Retrieval is done!

Hoping we get some good news later on today. ❤️ What’s done is done and now all we can do is hope for the best.

I haven’t updated here at all because as soon as I started the IVF cycle, the BLM protests started happening and I just decided to be muted for a bit. 😌

On 5/29 I had my baseline appointment. My doctor saw 9 egg follicles and two of which, looked “bigger” and more dominant. He couldn’t tell if it was an older cyst from the last cycle but we had to wait on my estradiol levels to come back. I really anticipated it to be high just like the last cycle. They called me and told me it was 10- it was 86 last time. So they gave me the green light to start Stims on 5/30.

My dosage for ALL the days were 450 IU of Follistim Pen & 150 IU of menopur. I added ganirelex on Stim Day 8.

5/30, Day 1: I hated the Follistim pen. It injected so damn slowly and I’ve done menopur before so I expected it to sting.

5/31, Day 2: Not feeling any effects yet.

6/1, Day 3: Not feeling any side effects yet. Blood draw 🩸 before work and my estradiol was 83.

6/2, Day 4: Starting to dread injections.

6/3, Day 5: Blood draw 🩸 and Ultrasound. My estrogen was 140 and what we saw on the ultrasound was only 4️⃣ out of the 🥚 9 follicles he saw growing. This was upsetting news since we felt our chances immediately dropped off. I’m unable to go up higher as I’m already on the highest dose.

6/4, Day 6: Was pretty good at rotating injection sites but somehow got a huge nodule on my belly that turned into a huge bruise the next day.

6/5, Day 7: Blood draw 🩸 and ultrasound before work. Received amazing news. Saw 8️⃣ follicles now. Some follicles came out of the woods! Estradiol level was 361. At this point, they believe I’ll need more meds and we will possibly delay taking ganirelex a couple days and the egg retrieval to 6/11 or 6/12. This is the day I really started noticing now messed up the hormones are making me. So mentally foggy that I can’t remember anything and forgetting basic things at work, my coworkers noticed and said, “You’re acting weird as shit today.”

6/6, Day 8: Just tired. Rested most of the day. Started ganirelex, adding a third injection every night. Had my husband give it to me on my arm.

6/7, Day 9: This should’ve been my last night of meds. Feeling more and more tired. Breasts are so tender and painful!

6/8, Day 10: Blood draw 🩸 and ultrasound before work. My estradiol level was 863. 6️⃣ follicles growing bigger. Not sure what happened to the other two that was seen previously, but maybe they didn’t grow or are hiding. This was the MOST tired I’ve felt. Really took a lot to function at work today. Had to order two more days of meds resulting in an extra $1,000! 😩 All delivered same day to me so I could have meds for tonight and tomorrow night.

6/9, Day 11: Feeling so accomplished to have finished 27 injections!

6/10, Day 12: Injected ganirelex in the morning to prevent ovulation. Blood draw 🩸 estradiol level was 1,201! Ultrasound showed 3 mature follicles >18 mm and 3 maybe mature follicles about >14 mm. Trigger injection happened at 7 pm! 🥳

No shots tomorrow 🙌🏼 and Egg 🥚 Retrieval is on Friday at 6 am! 🙏🏻🤞🏼🙏🏻🤞🏼

Cycle Day 1 arrived on 05/17/2020. And so, birth control started once again on Cycle Day 3 through Cycle Day 13. This time, a higher dose of birth control was prescribed. Last attempted cycle I took Loloestrin which had 10mcg of Ethinyl Estradiol & Apri has 30 mcg of Ethinyl Estradiol.

I’m tolerating this birth control better than the lower dose, actually. My head is hurting a bit but much less cramps and mood swings compared to last time. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m hoping that this cycle will be better 🤞🏼yeilding more follicles. I feel different this time, I am less amped up. Just going with the flow. Riding the waves as they come.

Here is the updated calendar...

My husband and I were on the road to pick up his car in the shop and I just felt such a heavy chest... I couldn’t stop myself from crying. We were actually trying to figure out why I was crying and pinpoint what was wrong.

I myself am a RN. I’m furloughed off right now, but our elective cases will resume and I will be going back to work on 05/04/20. Healthcare has become so political lately that I had to deactivate some of my social media. I feel like I’m losing hope in humanity and bringing in a child (or trying to) at this time... Is it selfish? Is it wise? Is it safe? Questions on top of what is already uncertain.

When we started our fertility journey back in 2018, I felt like we wouldn’t really need IVF. I thought we would have some issues getting pregnant, and it might take time, but I didn’t think our situation was so severe that we couldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally or through IUI. But last year’s circumstances proved otherwise. I’ve been fighting through this but yesterday, I just started thinking “maybe it’s not in my cards.” Maybe I have to shift and adjust what I envisioned in the future... maybe we won’t have kids. I feel like a failure in so many ways even though it’s out of my control. But this immense guilt is persistent...

04.24.20// Well, that didn’t go very far. Fertility treatments is a lot of stop and go. I’m finding myself anxiety-ridden through the entire process. Though, I imagine this is what all women feel like during this time. There is just WAY TOO MANY VARIABLES during this process!

 I started my period on 04/12, followed by starting birth control on CD 3 to CD 13. My last day of birth control was 04/21 and my initial appointment was today. The appointment started with a blood draw, leaving a urine sample, and having an ultrasound. The ultrasound was what worried me the most. In my past IUI’s I had 9, 7, and 14. That 14 was either a lucky month or clomid the months before brought some follicles out of the woods.

Today, I had 8 follicles, and two were already measuring about 10 mm. Which is little “too dominant and larger” than what they’d like to see. I was shocked when he told me I only had 8 follicles. Though I shouldn’t have been, for some reason I was hoping to have at least 12. But this is what diminished ovarian reserve is... 

The visit ended with a COVID test up my nostrils. They are testing everyone as a precaution prior to starting a treatment; which is great but if it actually came up positive, the results wouldn’t be back until 4 days and at that time, I would’ve been doing stim’s... 

I asked my doctor if he thinks we should proceed, since I don’t have as many egg follicles. He told me he would proceed, unless my estradiol levels were higher than the range they were looking for. Three hours after leaving the office, he called me to let me know that my estradiol was higher than he would’ve wanted... so it was best to cancel it. (It was 85, and they wanted it less than 60.)

During the ultrasound, I had a sinking feeling- like it wasn’t time to do the cycle yet. I think that feeling was mostly due to paying the $5,000 coinsurance and knowing I had to overnight Follistim which is $2770. FOR EIGHT DAMN EGGS. I just felt like my margins were too thin. When the doctor called and told me that he thinks we should wait another cycle to start... I instantly felt relief. Which was then immediately followed by grief of going back to the unknown.

What if my egg follicles were even less the next month? I have to take birth control AGAIN for 10 more days? I have to wait another cycle? (Which I don’t even know what cycle day I’m on anymore cause the 10 days of birth control threw it all off.) So another 2-3 weeks and 10 days of birth control again to go back to my baseline appointment, back to square one. UGH HOW FRUSTRATING! This is definitely more of a process than IUI.

For the first time since this TTC journey, I’m starting to re-imagine our future without children. It’s really making me emotional to think/say that. But, if this first round of IVF doesn’t work... financially, emotionally, and mentally... and the toll this is taking on our marriage... I don’t think I can do it again.

You really don’t know. 

It’s a common (and personal) to ask, “So are you guys trying to have a baby?” or “When are you going to have kids?” or maybe even subtle hints about how you’ve been married “for a while” and it’s time to have kids. 

This conversation can go in two ways. Fertility is such a private matter, that most people won’t say they’re having difficulty conceiving. Or what I’ve done is actually respond and say, “we’ve been trying, we have some fertility issues.” Then it just becomes this awkward conversation because the person asking wasn’t expecting this answer. Then THEY try to backtrack and say something to make THEMSELVES feel better.

Like, “Oh it’ll happen. Just try to relax.” People never mean anything malicious by comments, but it just becomes an awkward dance... especially when they say “you can always adopt!” as a knee-jerk comment. Little do people know that adoption can cost more than an IVF cycle with the application & legal process.

I don’t think people know that asking such a simple question can be so personal. You never know if you’re asking someone who is having fertility issues or worse— going through a miscarriage or just miscarried.

It also has to be acknowledged that you don’t know the fertility status of women. A woman trying to conceive can be as relaxed and free of stress; but if she has underlying issues such as PCOS, endometriosis, diminished ovarian reserve... relaxing isn’t going to get her pregnant.

CD #1 was on Friday, 04/10. Birth control was called in for me to start on CD #3 for 10 days. Today I received the tentative IVF calendar. 📅

More meds will be shipped on Wednesday... I know it’s here but it still feels far from Egg 🥚 Retrieval. Also confused about getting another period after 10 days of birth control. Is it a real period? Is it to keep the follicles I have from this cycle? 🤔

It’s been a wild ride since the end of February... Obviously, the 🌎 is experiencing a crazy pandemic that has taken the priority over everything.

Right before COVID got really serious in California, I went to a second IVF consult. The first fertility clinic (Dr. K) we wanted to go to said they should be covered by our insurance on 03/01/2020. That didn’t happen. But when I checked the website, I found out that the doctor (Dr. R) that I was originally booked with at Kaiser— became in network with my insurance.

So I was originally scheduled with Dr. R on 08/2018 for a workup and I ended up seeing Dr. K who we fell in love with. Dr. R. had left to start his own fertility clinic. Dr. K left Kaiser a year later. Dr. R was actually the medical director of the REI dept and I really liked his clinic because it wasn’t as corporate as Dr. K’s. Since Dr. R owns his own practice, and it’s not a chain, he basically calls the shots. This means he can open the clinic whenever. And I feel the care is more personal because it’s not corporate and it’s “boutique-y” vibe was great. It was also 5 miles down the street from us. We were ready to go. Then COVID happened.

At first they said, you can do IVF Egg Retrieval’s but no FET. Then all IVF & IUI cycles were cancelled across the board. About 6 weeks after my consult, I called our doctor saying that this actually would be the best time for me to do the IVF egg retrieval cycle because my husband is working from home, and I am furloughed. I’ve also been coming to terms with my diagnosis for Diminished Ovarian Reserve. (AMH 2.0, anywhere from 7-12 follicles per month) so waiting does hurt me. Dr. R told me that unfortunately he can’t do the IVF but that he has a conference with the ASRM board of CA within the next week and will let us know about the updates.

Being furloughed, I started looking for jobs and actually did a virtual interview... an email came stating they selected another candidate and right above that was a message from Dr. R that made me think that this is how it is supported to work for us. Maybe, just maybe it’s meant to be.

Standing still, while watching everyone walk past you. Watching families growing with their second or third pregnancy. Watching babies become toddlers. Seeing your news feed with pregnancy announcements. While you are at a standstill. Life just pauses. Month after month, just coming and going. Seasons passing. More inadvertent self-isolation. Feeling sad when your birthday arrives because it’s another year closer to the 35th mark where your eggs “drop off.” Bittersweet feelings when your wedding anniversary arrives. A silent battle you face while wearing a “happy” mask. And losing hope at the pace of sand falling in an hour glass. This is what infertility feels like. 💔

📌If we got pregnant with our first IUI procedure... I would have been due this Month, March 2020. 

We had our first IVF consult with a fertility clinic in Newport Beach last month. We wanted to follow our doctor who did my entire infertility workup including our 3 IUI’s at Kaiser Permanente. We switched from Kaiser Permanante to PPO this year for IVF 💉benefits. In October 2019, this fertility clinic told us that they were working to be in contract with our insurance and should be covered by 3/1... but still no coverage yet.

While checking for providers in our network, another doctor popped up that was actually the medical director of the KP Reproductive Endocrinology Dept. Off a whim, I decided to schedule a consultation to see how I felt and the clinic felt “right” for me. Going in for our second consult next week to start this process. First IVF cycle will likely take place in May...

Lots of processing for me to do... Here was the take-away from today’s meeting. Trying to figure out if we are going to do PGT testing... It was not necessary; since we are still young and likely not have genetic 🧬 abnormalities. It disturbs the egg by biopsying it during the blastocyst stage. It is also an extra $3,000-$5,000. BUT we will be able to know the gender.

Financial Breakdown:

WITHOUT PGT:

IVF cycle: $13,230

IVF meds: $5,000

Fetal Embryo Transfer: $4,540

Fetal Embryo Meds: $800

Total: $23,570

Insurance covers: $20,000 after $2,500 deductible

Our out of pocket cost:

$3,570 + $2,500 deductible = 💰$6,070

Also, our doctor told me some information about the “Chemical Pregnancy” I had in December 2019:

I started doing acupuncture in November. It was an interesting set up because it wasn’t “traditional” Chinese Medicine acupuncture. This lady I went to treats about 24 patients at one time and not everyone had a bed. They sit in chairs and I didn’t really feel that I got the personalized attention I was paying for... and it was $65 out of pocket each time.

2020 meant we got new insurance and I started going to another lady that my friend recommended and luckily she was covered under my insurance. $40/visit. My first visit was last week. She told me I had “too much cold energy” and she left the room and came back with a cup full of herbs... that looked like mud... and had me drink it. 😣 After the acupuncture, she used this jigsaw massager on my legs that HURT so bad. I could hardly understand her English but she was legit. I could tell she was focused and I was the only patient she had.

On top of the acupuncture I am on week 4 of a bootcamp challenge that had me measuring out my macros. I’ve been doing HIIT workouts about 2-3x/week. Not much weight has been loss but clothes are fitting much better.

All these steps I’m taking for my health... I was expecting my menstrual cycle to be better. But it’s the opppsite. After my first acupuncture appointment I just felt crampy pain that worsened. My period was 3 days late. I felt like I had period cramps for an entire week before hand. I am restless yet I have energy. And I think the pain is getting to me because I feel so frustrated to the point where I want to cry. I don’t know why this is happening...

I haven’t popped in here for a while. Last month, (Dec 2019) I just felt “off.” A little nauseous driving home riding passenger. I also BLEW up on my husband over an argument we had. I felt enraged. We were going to be attending a wedding so I figure I check and see if I’m clear to drink. A faint line showed up. My heart was so full. I asked for a blood test to verify, and it was negative. I tested again, over and over hoping to see a darker line but it just got lighter and disappeared. I had experienced my first chemical pregnancy.

Asked for a blood test at 10DPO, which to my surprise came back less than two hours. Negative.

Took a FMU with Early Response on 12DPO and it was negative. Took another test today, at 13DPO with clear blue and internet cheapies and it was negative.

Well, it’s around that time I’m getting anxious... here are my current 🌡 temps:

The light blue line in the background from the last IUI cycle. I set it to this duo chart view to compare the last round.

My temps are getting higher. I actually feel cold and feverish. Headache. Tender breasts. And my bbt was 99.0... while it’s a good sign that my temps are on the rise, I also wonder if maybe I’m getting sick. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can’t tell. I do believe I’m experiencing real symptoms BUT probably due to the progesterone I’m taking. On CD6, I had TERRIBLE cramps. I had mild cramps intermittently after the IUI, but it peaked on CD6. And I haven’t had any cramps since then. Just extra tired, sore breasts, and a headache the last couple of days on CD 8&9.

The test day falls on our two year anniversary while we are in Chicago so it would be amazing if it came up positive. Been keeping myself super busy with work and packing for our trip next week.