#subfertility

I'm not even 30, but I hear my biological clock ticking so loudly. For 5 years I was told I had antiphospholipid syndrome, which can result in recurrent miscarriages and even since learning it was a misdiagnosis, the fear of that has never left me. I have no biological reason to think that I'll have any more trouble than other people at having kids, and yet I just have this nagging feeling that it won't go right for me.

Also feeling grief about having kids in the wider context of the pandemic. My dad has step grandkids now, and I'm happy for him and they're so cute. But despite acknowdging the risks of Covid he makes no effort to avoid it. I fear he'll never live long enough, or be in good enough health, to play with my own kids in the same way.

Plus there's the emotional turbulence which comes with figuring out how tf to navigate keeping kids safe in this world. How do you protect your baby when they're too little to mask? How do you make sure they see other kids to socialise with, without them also getting SARS2 alongside social skills? How do you navigate getting them an education? Home schooling could work at a push for primary school, but there's no way it's feasible for secondary? How do you give them a normal and fulfilling upbringing, whilst keeping them (and also by extension me) safe?

I had to take two Menopur 75 unit vials on Saturday. The medication REALLY stung. I felt nauseous for about two days. I had a lingering headache. The hot flashes were the worse part. Also pretty sure I gained like 4 lbs of water weight. This medication made me blow up!

Also found out that Menopur is made by extracting hormones from menopausal women’s urine and purifying it... good thing we don’t have to take it orally 😝

This post is going to remain private, just for my own self to keep a log of everything... I learned things along the way about the last two rounds we have done.

The first IUI round, I was pretty open about it. Told my coworkers WHY I needed the time off and let everyone know I was having procedures done. The second IUI, I was more selective and didn’t tell coworkers but told a few family and friends. But this time only one good friend knows and my husband, of course. This just makes things easier on me... I don’t have people wondering if it worked or not. I don’t have to explain if it didn’t work and if it does work I don’t wanna tell anyone until after 6-8 weeks when it’s viable. Just have to play it safe, put up some boundaries to protect myself.

So the season is changing and I feel very nostalgic. It’s another season that is here and our family has not grown yet. Seeing people progress in their pregnancy or deliver babies has made me feel at a standstill. At the same time, fall is very significant to me. It’s when my husband and I got married- in October 22nd. The word “Harvest” comes to mind... gathering and preparing for the winter... similar in what I’m doing, gathering and preparing my womb for a life to grow. 🍂

Today is Cycle Day 3 and I begin a brand new medication regimen.

I haven’t been able to update this - just been busy with life in general. August is such a busy month. Everyone’s had a birthday. And we have been getting ready for our Maui trip.

Around DPO #13, with another negative test, I found myself EVEN more emotional than the first time. Not sure if it was the hormones or if I was just that hopeful this time was going to work out (especially after seeing my a triphasic temperature in my chart) but I was bawling in my car on the way to be beach. I shut down at this point. Didn’t respond to text messages. Only talked to my husband.

I found myself really hurt/annoyed/bothered/upset when friends suggest adoption. I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. And I know people aren’t purposely trying to come from a bad place. But the comments people tell me almost seem like it’s comments to make themselves feel better. “Maybe it’s not the right time” or “There’s always adoption” or “You just need to relax and not stress” or “You still have time, you’re not that old” ... it’s a hard thing to explain from the inside looking out and from the outside looking in, it’s hard to truly empathize. And with that, I’m realizing that I’m becoming more and more private with each treatment. I will openly share and tell friends that we have fertility issues. But during the actual treatment - I am going to be very selective on who I tell; and will probably only tell those that are going through the same process I am. 

AF came on CD #26. So August was a short cycle. I feel like myself again, now on CD #10. But I HAVE to grieve these losses. One day at a time. One cycle/month at a time. One process at a time. Knowing that am IUI cycle didn’t work and suggesting adoption BEFORE I’ve exhausted all our our options was an overwhelming thought that just made me shut down. It was hurtful to even go there. 

No one ever plans on having fertility issues and I always thought trying to grow our family would be a joyful event in my life. But I had to grieve that it’s unlikely I’ll get pregnant after seeing a concert and drinking a cocktail. Or on vacation. Or when we weren’t “trying to try.” And so we move on to the next step, which is this IUI process and we are 2/3 procedures in this year. After the third procedure; and if it does not work, we revisit our options. Do another round of IUI or talk about IVF. And then whatever transpires from that situation to the next. I HAVE to take these in steps, and grieve each process that doesn’t work out. I don’t know how else to cope otherwise. And in my heart, I am still very hopeful because our diagnosis is “sub-fertility” and I feel like I don’t have as many of the hurdles as some couples do. Everyone’s situation is different. 

At this point it’s even questionable if I have low ovarian reserve because my last AMH test was normal. My monthly antral follicle count did decline to 7 follicles from 9 in the month of August. Women my age tend to have 11–15 egg follicles a month. But these follicle counts vary every month... so if anything, I am on the lower side of normal for that. And my husband has low motility, but normal count and morphology... and with the supplements he’s been religiously taking, his counts are normal and 3x the amount they need for a successful IUI. 

So I started doing some research and this book called “It starts with the egg” has been insanely informative...

My temperatures have been on the rise according to my Ava watch, and Fertilty friend even noticed a “possible triphasic chart” indicating implantation.

This is all giving me hope... so I decided to test 🤦🏻‍♀️ and it was a BFN.

Though it still is pretty early to test... I tested with First Response 6 days early result and it being negative makes me nervous. I can’t help myself get hopeful every new cycle and when the cycle comes to a close, I start feeling nervous. I’ll probably go to the beach again tomorrow to relax my mind.