#niaw2020

IVF Pose Pack

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week #niaw2020, and it seemed like the perfect time to make IVF poses. Dedicated to all those out there struggling with infertility <3 I know it’s a hard time, especially now with Covid19 postponing cycles.

In Vitro Fertilization is an assisted reproductive technology (ART) commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by extracting eggs, retrieving a sperm sample, and then manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. The embryo(s) is then transferred to the uterus.

If you have any issues, please let me know!

Includes: -6 poses -Embryo Scan Accessory, also works with my We’re Pregnant Again pose pack -Ultrasound Scan Accessory, modified version of @clumsyalienn‘s, this is the mesh and you need it

What you need: -Andrew’s Pose Player - Embryo Scan Accessory (Included) -Ultrasound Scan accessory (Included) -Syringe by @thespangleway, which you can download here 

TOU: -Tag me if you want to! Optional, but I’d love to see <3

DOWNLOAD SFS | MEDIAFIRE (Both no adfly)

You really don’t know. 

It’s a common (and personal) to ask, “So are you guys trying to have a baby?” or “When are you going to have kids?” or maybe even subtle hints about how you’ve been married “for a while” and it’s time to have kids. 

This conversation can go in two ways. Fertility is such a private matter, that most people won’t say they’re having difficulty conceiving. Or what I’ve done is actually respond and say, “we’ve been trying, we have some fertility issues.” Then it just becomes this awkward conversation because the person asking wasn’t expecting this answer. Then THEY try to backtrack and say something to make THEMSELVES feel better.

Like, “Oh it’ll happen. Just try to relax.” People never mean anything malicious by comments, but it just becomes an awkward dance... especially when they say “you can always adopt!” as a knee-jerk comment. Little do people know that adoption can cost more than an IVF cycle with the application & legal process.

I don’t think people know that asking such a simple question can be so personal. You never know if you’re asking someone who is having fertility issues or worse— going through a miscarriage or just miscarried.

It also has to be acknowledged that you don’t know the fertility status of women. A woman trying to conceive can be as relaxed and free of stress; but if she has underlying issues such as PCOS, endometriosis, diminished ovarian reserve... relaxing isn’t going to get her pregnant.

#ProjectBabyRussell Looks Ahead

Our story is always evolving, as is our long-term plan of care.

I am currently undergoing treatments thanks to Starbucks insurance - each round is going to cost roughly $2,000 - $3,000 as we now have to pay for the medications out of pocket after reaching our insurance maximum for specialty medication (we still have about 21.5k of treatment left).

We have decided to get as many rounds as possible, as quickly as possible, at our current clinic. We are comfortable with Dr. M’s treatment plans and knowledge.

Once we have maxed out our treatment allotment with insurance we plan to travel to CCRM in Colorado for a second opinion. This is a leading clinic across the country and they have pioneered research in treatments that help overcome male factor infertility (including ICSI itself).

We *would* go forward with this now but they do not accept my insurance carrier so doing so would require going back to out of pocket payments, which we cannot afford. But hopefully by the time we have used up our insurance we will have paid off our IVF loans and can borrow again.

Depending what CCRM says we may continue with IVF along with whatever changes in protocol and treatment they suggest -OR- we will begin seeking embryo donors.

With an embryo donation those who have extra embryos can opt to donate their unused embryos to couples in need. To date we have never found any evidence that I cannot successfully carry a pregnancy. We simply cannot conceive.

By using an embryo donor we would bypass our eggs and sperm to utilize a frozen embryo from another couple. During our own treatment we have never had an embryo strong enough to freeze. These embryos being frozen would show that they’re already stronger than our own!

With embryo donation we may have a closed or open donation. We may have known donors or anonymous donors. It opens up a world of options and changes. It also would likely require travel... which equals extra expense.

All of this will require lots of time and financial expense. One round of IVF used roughly 3.5k of our maximum... meaning we should have a good amount of rounds left! It could take a few years at Starbucks before we move onto the next steps.

But all of this could change at any time. With every new cycle we learn new information about our condition and odds. Depending what we find we may swap to embryo donation, or sperm donors, earlier than we expect.

So - where DOES #ProjectBabyRussell go next? And when?

I simply don’t know.

We are taking this one cycle at a time.

Our next IVF round will come once COVID has passed and I have lost 30 pounds.

If we don’t find success with that round we will gather any new information we find and use that to make an educated decision about when we can begin our next round.

If trying again isn’t advised we are prepared to begin searching out embryo or sperm donors. That’s a process that would take time and careful planning.

The big takeaway is that time is on our side. I’m only 26/27 years old and there is no rush.

One round at a time. One change at a time.

We are prepared to try out all of our options to build our family, it’s just going to be a little bit longer.

Our IVF Journey

Stephen and I have undergone three rounds of IVF between September 2017 and December 2019. During this treatment journey we have had zero pregnancies and a whole lot of heartache. Whether you’ve been here from the beginning or are just now tuning in I’d like to take some time to discuss each of our cycles, the results we saw, and any changes we made.

IVF #1 - September/October 2017

Our first round of IVF came with a price tag just over $14,000 that we financed by taking a loan out against my Dodge Charger.

We walked into this round of IVF with stars in our eyes and hope in our hearts. According to a very popular success rate calculator we had a 43% chance of live birth... but we hoped to be on the good side of that statistic!

Stimulation was a crazy ride. I was started off on a standard dose of LH & FSH. When I went in for my first scan and bloodwork we found that I was showing results double what they expected. My follicle count had ballooned over 60 (60 eggs!!!) and my estrogen was too high. We had to tone back the medication in an attempt to get everything under control.

I ended up taking shots for 9 days before we administered the final injection.

At egg retrieval we collected 21 eggs, 19 of which ended up being mature. The embryologist attempted to fertilize all 19 and succeeded with 16 of them. For five days we waited in agony to find out how our babies grew.

We showed up to the retrieval knowing that a loss of 50% was common, that would be 8 blastocysts. To cushion ourselves we went in hoping for 5. Our hearts were not prepared for the news.

We had one “early stage blastocyst” and two morulas. All of our embryos remaining were behind on development and the other 13 had been discarded after they failed to thrive.

With tears in our eyes we transferred the one early blastocyst and a single morula. For a fleeting moment we were pregnant as that magic sparkle went across the ultrasound. The lab handed us a photo of what our embryos looked like under the microscope prior to transfer. It is the last time we would see our babies.

Eight days later we got the call that my Beta-HcG level came back at 1.0. I was definitely not pregnant and there was no clinical indication that our embryos ever began to implant.

IVF #2 - January/February 2019

Coming out at roughly $17,000 our second IVF round was funded again by a loan against my vehicle. After our first round failed we made extra payments, saved Birthday/Christmas cash, and fundraised our asses off to pay off our loan. We paid it off a few years early and that allowed us to proceed with Round 2.

It was our doctor’s belief that the over stimulation of my ovaries at the beginning of treatment may have caused damage to the eggs, and/or limited resources to mature the eggs we did collect. In response to this our protocol was changed.

This time we began at a lower dose of hormones and slowly worked our way up to a dosage that properly matured my eggs and helped my estrogen rise at a rate to be expected.

Again, I was on stimulation medication for nine days before we administered the final injection.

At this egg retrieval we hoped to collect less eggs than previous thinking that a lower yield would produce better eggs. We were excited to collect 14 eggs, but utterly dismayed when only 5 of them successfully fertilized.

Dare I say it, the wait for transfer day was even harder this time. Our fertilized count was so low we didn’t know what we would be walking into.

Thankfully when that day came we were told to gown up and get ready - a promise that we had something to transfer. We were so hopeful that we had gotten a good, strong blastocyst this time. After all, it only takes one! But as our luck would have it, that was once again not the case. The doctor informed us that we had two morulas to transfer (a less developed embryo).

We decided to roll the dice and sent our two babies home in my uterus thinking that just maybe a natural environment would prompt them to latch on and continue to grow.

Eight days later that would prove to be false as my Beta-HcG was once again 1.0.

IVF #3 - December 2019

After spending over $37,000 on fertility treatments we were officially tapped out financially. The chance at having more IVF was very slim, and that’s where Starbucks came in. After years of applying and never getting that call I was able to get an interview. I was hired on the spot and infertility insurance was within reach.

And with that insurance? Well, our third round of IVF was a whopping $640. Breaking the bank.

After two failed cycles related to embryo growth our doctor has come to the conclusion that we have an egg quality problem. For reasons that are undetectable with current science my eggs just aren’t up to par. To combat this we added in a handful of supplements that are supposed to help and took them for a little over two months.

Just like my previous two cycles I was on stimulation medication for nine days before we administered the final injection. Again, the stimulation period went wonderfully and my follicles were able to grow at an even rate and my estrogen levels were under control.

At egg retrieval I set a new personal best and 22 eggs were harvested. While 15 of those beauties were mature we ran into a similar setback as Round #2 when only five of the eggs fertilized, abysmal results... especially with the use of ICSI.

This five day wait was the worst of all, we truly didn’t know what to expect. It all became far too clear when our walk didn’t take us to the procedure room, but rather to a meeting room. This had never happened before. No gown? No transfer. When we spoke with Dr. M about our embryology report we found out that all of our embryos had arrested development at Day 3 and none were viable for transfer. Our third cycle was a complete failure and we had no chance at pregnancy.

When it comes to my doctor’s review of our case and the way my statistics are submitted for research - I’ve never been pregnant thanks to IVF treatment. I’ve never been pregnant. I’ve never had a loss. I’ve simply been a failure.

But there’s something that “0” in the ‘pregnancies from IVF’ box can’t express.

The 27 holes in my heart.

Throughout our IVF treatment we have had 27 embryos created. For what is a small blip in time we loved, hoped for, and longed for 27 different futures.

Maybe they’d be doctors. Maybe they’d be professional hockey players. Perhaps they’d be a stay at home parent. 27 possibilities and 27 individual futures that we imagined to make the days go by.

Four of those beautiful embryos went home into my uterus. With my eyes fixated on an ultrasound screen I was able to watch as the embryos left the sanitized world of the lab and entered my uterus. I held them within my body and I felt in my soul that they were meant to be mine. I took comfort in knowing that they experienced the safety and warmth of my body.

Those four embryos ceased to be inside of me. For a while they existed and then they simply vanished. They never found the comfort of my uterine lining and they never had a chance to be anything.

But they were real. I have their photograph. I watched as they entered my body. I had them, I held them, I loved them.

The twenty-three who never came home didn’t even have a chance. They dissolved and broke down in a Petri dish. They never got the comfort of my body or the proof of a photograph. They went into the trash like waste and ended in a dump somewhere.

I never got to witness them. I never got to see how their cells clumped together or how they fell apart. They’re my whole heart but they’re a mystery because they couldn’t survive long enough to meet me.

When it comes to paperwork, I’ve had 0 pregnancies from IVF. Our treatments have yielded no results.

But if you ask me? Our treatment has made me a mother. I’ve carried four of my offspring for as long as I could, I had 23 ripped away from me before I had the chance to protect them.

My attachments are extremely emotional and it’s so incredibly lonely. These losses aren’t a miscarriage physically, and I can’t connect with people on that level. I’m sure some would judge me for calling these losses at all. Not all IVF patients feel this way about their embryos. Even in my own community I am judged and my feelings are squandered because it’s simply a part of the process.

My brain logically understands the definitions and medical terminology. But the heart doesn’t operate on logic... it’s all about emotion. It’s all the late nights I sat up whispering to my uterus about all the grand adventures we would have. It’s the moment I got that embryo count and immediately wanted nothing more than to stand guard in that lab and save every one of my embryos.

They’re not much. They’re microscopic and leave no physical impact on this world. But they are my whole heart and have left me wounded to my core. I’m gushing loss, regret, and self-loathing at all hours of the day because I couldn’t save my embryos. I couldn’t protect them. My own body couldn’t give them life. I feel as if I’ve failed my children, and that emotional toll is often times more than I can bare.

#HonorYourStory #NIAW2020 #ProjectBabyRussell

“Share how Infertility has impacted your life.”

- RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

When I was 19 years old I met my future husband on a rinky-dink little dating website called OkCupid. What started off as a short message exchange led to a grand wedding in December 2014. Those “kids” had stars in their eyes while they looked toward their future. A house full of kids, a couple dogs, maybe even a fenced in yard. Our vision was set on our hometown and building a life worth living inside it.

From January 2015 - April 2020 Stephen and I have been battling infertility. We’d had four failed months of Clomid and one of Femara before we discovered the severity of our infertility, then our story quickly became three failed IVF cycles. We’ve spent over $37,000 on treatment, fundraised until we couldn’t push anymore, and picked up new career paths just for insurance. We have lost hope just to search for it again. We have screamed together. We have sobbed together. We have gone through a complete mourning process for 27 embryos who should have been our children, but are only medical waste. We have lost sight of what our future is.

Infertility has taken so much.

But that’s not what I choose to honor today.

I want to choose all that Infertility has given us. Because had our life gone according to our picket fence plan, we’d never have done all of this.

Without further adieu some of Leah and Stephen’s greatest hits:

- Salem Witch Museum

- Niagara Falls

- Taylor Swift (Chicago, IL)

- “The Bean” (Chicago, IL)

- Graceland

- Disney World

- Jonas Brothers (Chicago, Omaha, and Kansas City, Minneapolis)

- Universal Studios Orlando x2

- Kansas City Royals

- Our Local News!

...and so much more.

Thanks to Infertility, Stephen and I have had to alter our plans. We no longer can bank on having 3 under 3, a cute baby bump to photograph, or cliche family holiday experiences. We’ve had to broaden our horizons and make way for dreams we never knew were possible.

For the last 7 years I have loved this man for the paradise he creates for me by simply being himself, but over the past 5 years of Infertility I’ve been awed at what we can do when we experience the world together.

We have experienced more loss and heartache than I ever knew possible but those freshly burned pieces of my heart pave the way for fresh, beautiful growth in its wake.

Our marriage is far more beautiful than those starry eyed kids ever imagined.

Thank you, Infertility.

In January 2015 my Depo-Provera birth control injection expired and we immediately began trying to conceive. We knew going into this that it would likely take at least six months because “the shot” is known to take a while to wear off. Regardless, we began trying right away and held hope.

For the first 8 months following the expiration of my injectable birth control we struggled with irregular cycles and crazy periods. It was hard to track and made trying to get pregnant difficult. Eventually though, things evened out and I had a regular 28-30 day cycle.

While we had hoped that regulation would bring our child to us we were dismayed when December passed and we were not pregnant.

In January 2016 (Cycle 13) we went to my primary care provider for a referral or some initial bloodwork. At this time I was 22 years old and in my reproductive prime. This fact made my doctor audibly chuckle and tell us we had been “trying too hard.” With a dismissive handshake he told us to relax and we’d find success.

By June of 2016 (Cycle 18) we still were not pregnant and my cycles had been nearly regular for a year. Even if we didn’t count those months where my body was out of whack we now met the requirement for infertility, again! This time I went straight to an OB/GYN hoping for better answers. I was still 22 and in my reproductive prime. The OB talked me into having a Pap smear done and sent me on my way home. “You will be pregnant in no time. Fertility issues just aren’t a concern for someone your age with regular periods.”

Finally in October of 2016 (Cycle 22). I was absolutely fed up with our situation. I had been taking ovulation tests for over a year and had been timing sex perfectly. The idea of spontaneity and passion was gone - we were focused on science. It was killing us to try so hard, but without any doctor’s aid there was nothing more we could do. I came to the same OB/GYN office but with a new doctor. I sat on the exam table with a notebook full of dried ovulation tests, cycle notes, and observations I had made. When the doctor came in I presented her with all the data and tried to explain it all. I didn’t get through our history before she cut me off. “You’re the last client of the day and I have a family dinner to get to, so I’m just going to be honest. You’re 23 years old. You were on Depo-Provera, it’s known to take up to 18 months to leave your system. I could order you some testing but it’s out of your price range and I’m out of time. You’ll be in here pregnant by December.” She proceeded to talk me into a flu shot and left for family dinner.

It was unprofessional but I was 23 and broken down by repeated dismissal. I had no fight left in me, I was sure this was the end of our road. We would never get an explanation for our infertility.

I never intended to see another doctor, but one February 2017 (Cycle 26) day a close friend of mine convinced me to try again. This time I chose a separate office and a third OB/GYN to speak with. I came prepared for the same denial I had grown to know so personally.

Dr. E barely got through the door before I tossed my notebook at him and began going over our history in excruciating detail. I wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise as I pushed forward, determined to say my peace. He only got through to me when I stopped long enough to hear him say, “Something isn’t right here. I am prepared to help you. Where would you like to begin?”

For the next five months we would work with Dr. E monthly to take new ultrasounds, try new oral medications, and draw repeated bloodwork. It took a few failed cycles before we expanded our testing and discovered that we were dealing with a severe case of male factor infertility. A condition that was well outside our OB’s wheelhouse.

In September 2017 (Cycle 33) we got our referral to Dr. M and got the news we were not prepared at all to hear: in order to have biological children we would need a medical miracle, or In-Vitro Fertilization... a highly invasive and expensive advanced reproductive medical technique.

What is Infertility?

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of unprotected intercourse. (If the woman is over the age of 35 this timeline is shortened to six months).

Infertility is the most common condition for people between the ages of 25 - 40, resulting in 1 of 8 adults in the United States having infertility. Most couples will conceive within one year (85%). For those that don’t the chance of natural conception gets lower for each additional month following a year.

Infertility can have many causes:

33% Female Factors

33% Male Factors

33% Both Factors OR Unexplained Infertility

Female Factors: Ovulation Problems, Blocked/Damaged Fallopian Tubes, Uterine Conditions, Egg Quality/Reserve

Male Factors: Low Sperm Count, Low Sperm Motility, Low Sperm Morphology

Once a couple has reached the threshold for a clinical diagnosis of infertility it is important that a couple seek assistance of a medical professional.

An “easy” first step is reaching out to an OB/GYN who can begin an initial workup including blood tests, HSG (x-ray scan of the uterus and fallopian tubes using dye), as well as ordering an initial semen analysis.

Depending on findings the OB may be able to begin oral medications for fertility treatment or refer the couple to a reproductive endocrinologist for more advanced treatment, or a reproductive urologist to treat some male factor conditions.

Thankfully, the world of infertility is loaded with constant change and medical advancement. It is thanks to this that recent studies have shown after 3 years of treatment 65% of couples will have successful pregnancies, and by 5 years 71% will.

Once a couple is armed with all the information about their factors they will be able to decide what options are best for them

- Fertility Treatments: Oral Medication, Injectable Medication, IUI, IVF, Egg Donor, Sperm Donor, Embryo Donor

- Adoption

- Living Childless

Throughout the course of this week I look forward to telling you more about our infertility journey and how the statistics and options have impacted our lives.