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Mulan AU where she does get caught by the other fresh recruits while she's bathing but Mushu helps her spin it like the lake is cursed by an evil lizard demon and will turn men into women if they stay in it for too long.
From there it's not actually difficult to get the other soldiers onboard with covering up the fact that poor Ping took one for the team and got afflicted by the vagina curse, especially since it would have been all of them if they hadn't gotten the warning ahead of time. So they agree to help him cover it up, because obviously the army's not going to understand.
Shang is... tentatively glad that the men are bonding and getting along, even if they continue to be deeply weird about it.
Mulan: Uh, what boobs? Huh? Where did these come from?
Mushu: *facepalms and thinks quickly* (speaks from the shadows) I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE LAKE! BEWARE MY CURSED WATERS FOR THEY WILL TURN MEN INTO WOMEN!
Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: Oh no! The spirit of the cursed waters!
Shang: ...is this why you've all been insisting we don't camp anywhere that doesn't have a lake.
Shang: and then none of you actually swim in it.
Shang: and you all keep jumping at shadows.
Shang: wait a second Ping did this happen before or after you became insanely good at fighting?
Shang: did you get better at fighting after you became a woman.
Shang: are women better at fighting than us.
Mulan: ....uh. well. maybe? no one's ever tried to find out.
Yao: [thinking very fast] y'know Captain it's just so hard to find recruits these days.
Chien Po: Real shortage of men.
Ling: Lots of women, though.
Mulan: [catching on] Without marriage prospects.
Shang: You're right, men. The spirits must have done this in order to show us that we should be recruiting women as fighters.
Mushu [from the shadows, seeing an opportunity to do the funniest thing]: EXACTLY, LI SHANG. I HAVE TRANSFORMED PING INTO A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO LONG OVERLOOKED THE TRUE WAY TO WIN THE WAR.
Mulan [seeing an opportunity to get all the stories straight]: O Great Spirit, is it reversible?
Mushu: WHY WOULD YOU WISH TO REJECT MY GIFT? I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART, CHILD, AND HAVE ALREADY ALTERED THE MEMORIES OF EVERYONE WHO KNEW YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR THE ARMY. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THEIR DAUGHTER.
Li Shang: Welp, the spirits have spoken. Ping - wait is your name still Ping if you're a woman now?
Mulan: Uh. Actually, I was thinking of renaming myself. How do you feel about Mulan?
BONUS:
Mulan [climbing out of the eleventh lake the men have arranged for her to swim in]: Yeah no, it didn't work. Still got boobs. [tries to appear dejected].
Chien Po: If it makes you feel better, they're very nice boobs.
My coworker had a baby recently, and before she gave birth she told me she was so excited for the kid to grow up a little bit so that she could take her to baby raves. Because apparently there's a DJ in the area who stages raves that you can bring your kids to, but all of the tracks he plays are pre-approved by his toddler.
when the allegedly cishet neurotypical relative hits you with the "well i think everyones a little bit on the spectrum" "its normal to think about kissing your girl friends sometimes" "sure i've never felt like a woman but i can't change what i am." and you have to suddenly carefully evaluate whether theyre just being dismissive or if you've unlocked some very interesting potential information about your grandmother.
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unfortunately i dont think its queerbaiting if the creator is just so terminally heterosexual that they never remotely considered the same gender relationship their show is centered around could be read as romantic. it is deeply painful however.
Netflix has a lot of nerve crying and screaming and throwing up and having a tantrum about how password sharing is killing their business and making them hemorrhage money and how they're just struggling to stay afloat, then turning around and spending 72 billion dollars trying to become a monopoly by buying fucking Warner Bros
The exception is cheesy local commercials. Those should be the only ads. I will listen to someone who runs a store in my city doing an awkward rap. We once had a furniture store with these awful CGI ads and the slogan "where the deals are so low, it's almost criminal!" and then they got shut down, by the cops, because it turned out. It turned out the deals were so low because. You're not going to believe this but the prices were so low it was in fact
OKAY OKAY OKAY so when I realized I was going to have to write a lot of space battles, I did two things. The first was put a sticky note on my laptop that said THE ENEMY'S GATE IS DOWN (which, ugh, fuck OSC into the SUN), to remind myself that direction is both 1. important, and 2. relative, and then I watched approximately a billion hours of bait ball footage in David Attenborough documentaries, which helped me write battles in which all directions are possible.
(A bait ball, btw, is when teams of predators work together to eat small fish like anchovies, sardines, or lantern fish. Tuna, seals, sharks, dolphins, etc corral the fish into a ball at the surface, and then pick them off. Gannets and boobies dive down from above. And then sometimes a whale comes up from the deep and swallows the whole thing. It is my favourite part of any nature documentary.)
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MC was the bravest person they knew— headstrong and calm under pressure. Someone who faced down Lucifer's wrath without a flinch. Someone who had the heart to forgive Belphegor despite everything that happened. A puny mortal who was plucked from their home without warning, yet survived, and even thrived, among demons like them.
So, when their scream echoed through the halls of the House of Lamentation, the brothers knew not what to do.
Mammon, MC's self- proclaimed first-guy, and the fastest among his brothers, arrived to their aid in a matter of milliseconds. His mind had jumped to the worst possibilities— MC was hurt, possibly crying.
What he had not expected was MC standing on their chair, a thick spell book clutched in their hands like a weapon, eyes anxiously scanning the floor near their bookshelf.
"ARE YA' OKAY?!"
"IT WENT UNDER THE SHELF!!!"
"...huh???"
And then, it crawled out, in all it's six-legged glory. It's giant brown body (undoubtedly disease ridden) dragged along the floor, presenting an ugly sight. It's antennae twitched, as though searching for it's next victim.
The terrified noise that MC let out confirmed that this creature had, indeed, been the cause of their distress.
Mammon didn't blame them. He wasn't a huge fan of roaches himself. Especially this giant, unsightly species that had seemingly had taken over the Devildom recently.
"GET RID OF IT PLEASE." MC pleaded from atop their vantage point. They looked close to tears.
Mammon had struck gold. This was the moment he would swoop in like a hero and kill the pest as if it were no big deal; and save MC from their distress. Would he get an 'Oh, Mammon! You're so brave!' in return? Or a hug where he goes 'there, there, MC, I dealt with it' while patting their back? Maybe— if he was truly lucky— a kiss? His brothers would all watch from a distance, green with envy, wishing they had been the one to arrive first. Oh, it gets him excited to even think about it!
Mammon stood up a little taller.
"Don't worry, MC! For the Great Mammon is here!" The Avatar of Greed puffed out his chest, and took a brave towards the pest. He took off one shoe, ready to strike it, when suddenly—
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH—"
—it started flying.
The next thing MC knew was that Mammon was standing right behind them on the chair, his hands latched onto their shoulders in a vice-grip while they both screamed.
The roach remained airborne for a few seconds, zig-zagging with no regard for logic, or personal boundaries. Finally, it landed on the side of the bookshelf. A deafening silence followed.
The duo remained frozen atop the chair, staring at the roach. The roach stared back, antennae twitching. The creature puffed out its wings occasionally, as if taunting them. Mammon's grip on MC's shoulder turned painful, but neither of them dared to get down from their safe spot.
MC was about to ask Mammon whether they should take this chance to run out of the room, when—
*SMACK*
A slipper came down from above with full force. The defeated adversary fell down to the floor on its back, limbs twitching pathetically as it took its final breaths.
Their saviour was none other than Beelzebub, who was holding a giant slipper in his hand. He examined the dead corpse for a few seconds, till he was absolutely certain that the enemy had been eliminated.
MC nearly burst into tears from relief. But, unfortunately, before they could properly thank him, a series of snorts and barely-contained giggles coming from the doorway cut them off.
Yes, the brothers had all been silently watching the chaos unfold, until Beelzebub took pity on them. And judging by the delighted looks on their faces, "The Great Roach Incident" would be talked about in the House of Lamentation for the rest of eternity.
I just got this message by a fellow dca-er's account that recently got hacked. I almost believed it but this is not real.
Victor Regalado is not a real member of tumblr staff and might not even be a real person. Do not trust it if someone tells you they reported you by accident, especially if you didn't get any other information about it from staff yourself. Do not give them any information!
If someone that seems real (like not a new acc, normal posts, someone you might have spoken with, etc.) tells you this, DO NOT TRUST THIS.
No member of tumblr staff will contact you or require you to contact them through Discord or What's App!
Current users that I know of that are currently hacked are @/yukitsen @/haruka-636, and @/smilerua.
DO NOT SEND THEM HATE!! THEY ARE NOT DOING THIS; THEIR ACCOUNTS ARE CURRENTLY NOT IN THEIR POSSESSIONS!!
baratheonpilled
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
dededos
