kiss me, spacegirl

the new fantasy genre, popehunk, encompasses all books in which historical figures responsible for real atrocities are presented as sexy and potentially suffering from a cute lil' anxiety disorder

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

We can't use aircraft because the fbi has access to all the flight data how many times do we need to go over this

you can be peeling a boiled egg and think to yourself wow. that was so simple. and then you peel another one and it’s like being in the throes of war. shell everywhere. egg mangled. tears in your eyes. that’s how god keeps you humble

I really think we should stop saying "kid-friendly" and start saying "ad-friendly". We shouldn't indulge these companies and their excuses anymore. I also think that continuing to pretend that this is about "protecting the children" pushes a lot of the blame onto kids and teens, who don't have the political power to push through any of this censorship legislature. Corporations and governments are to blame.

(TV police commissioner voice) you know, dick richards, when you suggested to me that we should unlawfully detain and break into the house of that guy who's an obvious stand-in for the writer of this episodes' political enemies, i had half the mind to fire you right then and there on the spot. but after you managed to find 10 petabytes of child porn on his computer (obtained via a hacking montage made by people who probably think the thinking part of the computer is the same part as the bit with all the pixels) and a handwritten note saying "i'm a stupid evil idiot and my beliefs are wrong" taped to his fridge, well, what can i say. maybe a little violation of civil rights is just what we need to clean up this city. here's your badge back, son. now get out there and keep doing what you do best

we've sent 2,500 senior dogs to a six week Javascript bootcamp using the funds we raised from our ransomware operation. and that's just the beginning. starting next month every fruit will be different

rebecca black was right. It’s Friday

"here's my original character, Man Who Sucks But Loves His Daughter Very Much" and it's a guy who worships at the altar of patriarchal violence and the woman he uses as an excuse and an effigy to absolve him

well i think his daughter should tell him to kill himself