Let's do a thing

They were mirror images in diametrically opposed positions, Jade sitting with perfect posture as always, Floyd flopped over with his chin in one hand and his phone in the other, motionless except for the occasional swipe of his thumb as he scrolled through whatever he was looking at. Azul recognized the flat expression he got when he was completely locked in on something, dead to the world until he deigned to acknowledge it.

As Azul crossed the room Jade stood and said, “Thank you for agreeing to meet me here today.”

“It's my office,” Azul said, mildly.

He let himself collapse into his desk chair and took off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The blurred shape of Jade took something out of the corner and moved it in front of the door. It wasn't until a large white rectangle unrolled from the frame that Azul recognized it as a projector screen.

“Can this wait? I'm not really-”

“It has come to our attention,” Jade said, as if he hadn't spoken, “that Prince Rielle confessed he harbors romantic feelings for you today.”

Azul sat up straighter and put his glasses back on. “How do you- Who told you?”

It happened less than twenty minutes ago. The moment Rielle, eyes wide and filled with hope - and fear - finished the little speech he had no doubt been practicing for weeks beforehand, Azul had promised to think about it and left immediately. He’d been lucky enough to catch a bus back to school as soon as he got to the stop, and spoken to no one aside from a few greetings in the hallways.

“Unimportant,” Jade said. “Floyd and I have prepared a presentation on the topic. I do hope you'll allow us to state our case.”

He was still speaking as though Floyd was involved, despite the fact Azul wasn't even sure Floyd was blinking.

“What is your case?” Azul asked. He wasn't getting out of this, all he could do was try and push Jade to the point.

Jade smiled wider and clicked a button on the small remote he'd pulled from somewhere. The projector screen lit up with a faintly washed-out slide reading: Why Azul Ashengrotto Should Marry Rielle Corallia.

Azul groaned. “We're eighteen. He just asked me out, nobody is talking about marriage!”

“I am,” Jade said.

He clicked the button again and the screen star-wiped to the next slide. This one read, Opportunity, with three empty bullet points beneath it.

“Prince Rielle is, as you know, a prince,” Jade said. “By marrying him, your future endeavors will always carry the implied approval of the royal family.”

The first bullet point now read, Royal Endorsement.

“Rielle is the youngest of seven,” Azul said. “He's barely in line for the throne. In twenty years he'll be a footnote.”

“Royalty always attracts media attention, no matter how many bodies from the throne they are.”

Azul ignored the word choice. “The royal family aren't going to approve of anything I do - for several reasons.”

“Please hold all objections until the rebuttal slide,” Jade said, smile never faltering.

Azul sighed and leaned back in his chair. Might as well get comfortable.

“As I said, media attention,” Jade said. With a click, the second bullet point filled out with the words Free Advertising.

That was a fair point. Azul couldn't object to that one.

“Furthermore, the royal family is heavily involved in charitable works. Prince Rielle in particular is interested in education and cultural exchange. If, for some reason, questions about your business practices arise, simply lying low and endorsing your husband's work instead of your own for a few years would provide an efficient rehabilitation in the eyes of the public.”

The third bullet point popped up as Image Management.

“You're assuming a lot about Rielle’s future behavior. What if he's just as bad as me by the time we're out of school?”

Jade glanced at Azul with very nearly genuine confusion. “Rielle?” he said, as if clarifying they were talking about the same person.

“Okay fair enough.”

“As you can see, there are many professional benefits to marrying a prince,” Jade said, turning toward the screen. “Now, let's discuss the personal benefits.”

He clicked the remote, and the next slide appeared, blank aside from a photo in the top left. It was apparently a candid shot, one Azul didn't recognize, of Rielle with over half a chili dog shoved into his mouth.

“Okay yes I get it, thank you!”

“Are you sure? I have more points.”

“No, I understand this one! Feel free to move on!”

Wordlessly, Jade clicked through several more pictures of Rielle eating tube-shaled foods, and a couple of him in gym clothes doing stretches. He was… very flexible, Azul had to admit.

“Where did you get all these- Nevermind, don't tell me, I don't want to be liable.”

“Rook,” Jade said.

“I said don't tell me!”

The next slide had a slightly looser feel, with a bright yellow background and a hand-drawn picture of an octopus in a top hat. This must have been Floyd's contribution to the project. Azul glanced over and saw him still glued to whatever was occupying him on his phone.

Jade continued the presentation without his brother. “It is not yourself alone that would benefit from the continuation of your romantic entanglement with the prince.”

“We are not entangled. He only confessed today!”

“I would like to take a moment to present the reasons your associates are in support of this relationship.”

“And by ‘associates’ you mean the two of you,” Azul said.

“Yes,” Jade confirmed, cheerfully.

He clicked the remote and the slide brought up a multi-colored header that read We Like Him, while the octopus drawing began to rock back and forth as though dancing.

“How much time did you spend on this?” Azul muttered.

Jade ignored him again. “Prince Rielle's boundless enthusiasm and zest for life brings joy to everyone around him.”

“This sounds like an ad for a pet adoption.”

“He comes from a somewhat sheltered background, which has left him naive, but curious. He is always eager for new experiences, and does not have the natural sense of caution that more worldly merfolk develop at a younger age.”

“Now it sounds like you're describing a murder victim.”

“In short, Prince Rielle is,” Jade clicked the remote and the words The Perfect Mark appeared to the right of the dancing octopus - right over a drawing of a dancing oarfish in a flower crown. The caption was also dancing.

“I can't marry someone just because he's easy to trick!” Azul exclaimed. “I wouldn't want to! I don't-”

“Please save all objections for the rebuttal slide!” Jade said, with aggressive cheeriness.

He clicked the remote, and the next slide read, Rebuttal.

Azul sighed

“Please go on,” Jade said, beaming.

“Okay! Finally.” Azul sat up and folded his hands on the desk. “To begin with, I don’t even like him.”

“Irrelevant,” Jade said. “And even if it mattered, evidence suggests otherwise.”

“Y- you don’t know what it looks like when I like someone,” Azul said quickly. “Rielle is… aggravating. His attention span is far too short, he doesn't even try to understand complicated topics, and he's not interested in anything that I care about. We have nothing in common.”

Jade was wearing one of his ‘you're being an idiot but I'm not going to tell you why' smiles. “You don't think he's interested in things you care about? Why is that?”

“Because! Whenever I try to talk about something I actually like, he gets this doofy expression like he's daydreaming or some- Oh, dammit, he's had a crush on me this whole time, hasn't he?”

Jade just smiled wider.

“Okay, well, okay, that’s… I'm just trying to find a good time to use him, anyway.”

“So you say,” Jade agreed, patronizingly.

“He's a perfect mark, like Floyd said, but he's not an idiot. If we take too much advantage of him, he'll notice. So I've been stringing him along, pretending to be friends, until I find something big enough to be worth burning that bridge in.”

“Just as you say,” Jade said.

“And he's in RSA, and most of our customers are Night Raven students who won't touch anything an RSA student endorses, so there hasn't been a good opportunity yet.”

“Quite.”

“That's the only reason I hang out with him in town! And text him every day! And snuck him onto campus those times!”

Jade just smiled. He didn't even have a platitude for that.

“Okay, okay, my feelings - which I don't have - aside, I can't marry him because his family would never approve. Any relationship would have to be private and short-term, and I'm too busy to make something like that satisfying.”

“I see no reason the royal family wouldn't approve of you as an in-law.”

“There's two in the room with me right now,” Azul said.

“I don't appreciate the implication that myself or my brother are in any way inappropriate companions.”

“What mob ties?” Floyd said.

Azul looked at him in surprise. Apparently he'd come back to the present just in time to object.

“What'd I miss?” Floyd said, blinking slowly.

“Azul thinks the royal family wouldn't let Prince Rielle marry him,” Jade filled him in.

“Sure they would,” Floyd said. “Nobody does political marriages anymore, and you're from a good family, so who gives a shit?”

“He's a prince! I'm nobody!”

“You are a young entrepreneur,” Jade said. “Your step-father is an attorney and your grandmother runs a popular and successful restaurant.”

“I'm an octopus,” Azul hissed.

The twins briefly glanced at each other. Jade nodded at Floyd, indicating he should speak.

“Dude,” Floyd said, “fuck everybody who throws that in your face.”

“They will!”

“So? Fuck ‘em.”

“The royals-”

“The royal family is extremely doting on their youngest,” Jade said.

“Doting and controlling. Remember that Rielle ran away to land the minute he had an excuse.”

“Indeed, and his family has been distressed about that since it happened. It seems very likely that if he threatens to leave his family over his choice of partner, they would be the ones to give in. And that is only if it comes to that, which we find unlikely. The palace's hiring policies make a point of being inclusive.”

“A husband isn't the same as a secretary! And what about public opinion? I've got a thick skin but I'm not going to put up with the tabloids tearing me apart for the rest of my life.”

Jade brightened. “I've prepared a presentation on that topic!”

He switched off the projector, turned and rolled up the screen, and standing behind it, looking shocked and slightly dizzy, was a Heartslabyul student that Azul was unfortunately all too familiar with.

“Please welcome Deuce Spade,” Jade said, “lowest common denominator.”

“What?” Deuce exclaimed, looking around the office. “Where- How did I-”

“Deuce, would you be so kind as to assist us with some market research?” Jade asked.

Deuce, eyes wide like a cornered animal, glanced between Jade and Azul. “For real?” he asked.

“Close enough,” Azul muttered.

“Oh… kay?”

“Excellent!” Jade clapped his hands together. “Deuce, you are from the Queendom of Roses, correct?”

“Yes? Yes. I am.”

“Wonderful! As a resident of a monarchy, are you at all familiar with the royal family?”

“Uh…” Deuce scratched the back of his head. “I guess? I mean, I don't really read the tabloids or watch the news or… follow politics…” He trailed off, brow furrowing as he heard what he'd just said. “Hm.”

“Indeed, thank you for your candor. How much would you say you do know about them?”

“Oh, just the stuff everybody knows. Like how many there are and all their names and who they're married to and how many kids they have. Y'know. Normal stuff.”

Jade nodded, smiling at Azul.

“Deuce,” Azul said. “That's a lot.”

“Is it?” He looked startled.

Jade drew his attention again. “In a hypothetical situation, let's say the youngest child of the royal family-”

“Princess Bianca?”

“Let's say she became engaged to a commoner,” Jade went on. “A former classmate, someone she's known her whole life.”

“She's four,” Deuce said, confused.

“In sixteen years, then,” Jade said.

“Oh, okay, this is market research, right? Are you guys writing a book?”

“Hypothetically, how would you feel about that, as a common citizen?”

“What was the story again?”

With a stiff smile, Jade explained the concept once more, Floyd snickering all the while.

“This guy's a commoner but they've known each other a long time. So it's a love match?”

“Very much so,” Jade said, ignoring Azul's cough.

“Seems fine to me,” Deuce said, shrugging. “Sounds like good for her.”

Jade leaned over slightly, looming over Deuce's right shoulder. “Now let's say that that childhood friend wasn't exactly the type of person most royals have married.”

“Uh… Like… how so?”

“He belongs to a class of people who have been discriminated against. A beastman, perhaps.”

“Ohh, I get it.” Deuce nodded to himself. “That's the conflict. Books need conflict.”

“Quite so,”

“I don't know much about that stuff. I guess I probably should? But uh, I dunno, where I come from you'd get picked on for anything that made you stand out, not just being a beastman.” Deuce frowned slightly. “Which is… not ideal.”

“Do you think, if this happened to Princess Bianca in sixteen years, would the public turn against her?”

“No way!” Deuce exclaimed immediately, his expression outraged. “I'll kick the ass of anyone who says shit about her!”

“And do you think the tabloids would gossip about her partner? Try to make him look bad, demonize him?”

“I don't know…” Deuce admitted. “I do hear my grandma gossiping about the older princesses and their families a lot. But mostly it sounds like they're just curious about their lives because they're famous. I haven't heard anything super bad.”

Jade looked at Azul again, waiting for his response.

“What's this for for real though?” Deuce asked. “Are you sponsoring a play? What's happening?”

Azul cleared his throat, awkwardly. “Do you remember who Prince Rielle is?”

“Uh…” They all waited as Deuce’s neurons fired. “From RSA? And you knew him ‘cuz… Oh! Right! That's why you wanted us to rob the museum last year! Because your class picture was displayed because it had the prince in it and-”

“Yes, all right, you remember,” Azul said quickly. “He asked me out.”

“Oh. Isn't that a good thing?” Deuce asked.

“I suppose it's not… a bad thing,” Azul admitted.

“I mean, he knows you. He's known you since you were kids. So that means he knows how you used to be, all the stuff you're insecure about-”

“I am not insecure!” Azul exclaimed. “That is defamation!”

“-and he doesn't care,” Deuce finished. “He likes you for who you are.”

Azul paused. Then frowned. “I'm not taking relationship advice from someone who doesn't know what day of the week it is.”

“I do so!” Deuce protested. “It's Wednesday.”

“It's Thursday, bro,” Floyd said from the couch.

Deuce blanched. “Oh god, I have a lab.”

“Look, it doesn't matter,” Azul waved his hands. “None of this matters, nothing you say matters! Because I already turned him down.”

Silence rang throughout the room. Jade actually looked surprised, which was gratifying even if it was faked.

“No ya didn't,” Floyd drawled.

Slowly, Azul turned his head to glare at him. “I did. I basically did.”

“That's not what oarfishie said,” Floyd said. His phone was still in his hand, he hadn't put it down even when he started paying attention to the rest of them again.

Azul wasn't sure when Floyd had started calling Rielle “oarfish.” It could have gone as far back as middle school, though Azul hadn't heard him use it until last year when they all reunited. Azul wanted to believe the nickname came from the long flowing red dorsal fin oarfish had on their head, and not from the stories about oarfish foretelling disaster when they came to the surface.

“Are you texting him right now?” Azul demanded.

“Nah,” Floyd said. “I'm just watching the group chat.”

“What group chat?”

“You're not in it,” Floyd assured him.

“I know I'm not in it! That's the problem!” Azul huffed, attempting to compose himself. There was no point in getting angry with Floyd, all he'd do was waste energy. “Who is in it?”

“Uh…” Floyd glanced down at his phone. “Me and Jade, and oarfishie, and a coupla oarfishie’s friends from his school that I don't care about. Oh, and sea otter.”

“Sea ott- Kalim’s in the group chat?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?!”

Floyd shrugged.

“What did Rielle say?” Azul asked, getting back to the real concern here. He could force his way into the chat later.

Floyd scrolled back a little. “He says you blushed and stammered a bunch and then said you'd think about it and ran away.”

“I did not-” Thinking back, he may have stumbled over his words a little. Maybe. “I did not run away. I left. Smoothly.”

“Anyway we all agree that you like him and you were just startled. An’ I told him you like to be in control of situations, so you'll probably take him on a nice date to accept his confession this weekend.”

Azul, to his embarrassment, spent several seconds stammering. “How do you- I'm not- I wouldn't even- Why would you tell him that?”

“‘Cuz we like him?” Floyd looked at his brother. “Did you show him my slide?”

“I did show him your slide.”

“Yeah,” Floyd nodded. “He's fun to keep around. He's always down for whatever, and he falls for pranks, and he goes hiking with Jade so I don't have to.”

Jade nodded too. “I appreciate his willingness to explore the mountains.”

“You can still be friends with him even if I don't date him,” Azul said, exasperated.

“No we can't,” Floyd said.

“No,” Jade agreed.

“Why not?”

“Because we'll go with you in the divorce,” Floyd said. “Duh.”

“It's not a divorce!”

“Why can't you just go out with him?” Floyd asked, starting to whine. “I know you like him, and he likes you, so just like, do it already.”

“I'm not going to date him!”

“Why not?”

“Yes, why not?” Jade asked too.

“Why nooot?”

Azul slammed his hands on his desk and lurched to his feet.

“Because Rielle Corallia has never worked a day in his life!” Azul exclaimed. “He's been handed everything on a silver platter since the moment he was born! It's not even enough that he's a prince, he's the baby of his family! Spoiled, coddled, pampered! He has no idea what it's like to have to try!”

Jade did him the courtesy of pretending to look startled again. Floyd was just nodding.

“That's good though, ain't it? You get to use all that privilege.”

“It doesn't matter! I can't date someone that I have absolutely zero in common with. You were there! We all went to school together for eight years and I've never seen him not surrounded by sycophants and hangers-on!”

“That sounds lonely,” Deuce said, thoughtfully. “He never had any real friends? Just people who wanted to hang out with him because he's a prince?”

Azul had forgotten he was there, standing by the door as if waiting for permission to leave.

“Why are you still here?” Azul demanded.

Sheepishly, Deuce said, “Maybe if I get a note from a housewarden, Crewel won't yell at me for being late.”

Azul let out a huff and sat back down. He scribbled a quick excuse about “market research” and signed it with a touch of magic to prove it wasn't a forgery.

“Here.”

Deuce darted across the room, but Azul held the note out of his reach just before he could grab it.

“If you swear to never tell anyone what was discussed here today.”

“I won't I won't I won't!” Deuce exclaimed, and Azul allowed him to snatch the note away. Jade obligingly opened the door for him as he sprinted out into the Lounge.

Once he was gone, both twins fixed Azul with nearly-identical stares.

“So that was it,” Jade said thoughtfully.

“Shut up,” Azul muttered.

“He's a symbol of everything you resent.”

“So what if he is?” Azul sighed. “There it is. I can't date him because I'll never stop thinking of him as the pampered prince I'll never be. Happy?”

“No,” Jade said.

“Nope,” Floyd agreed.

“I'm quite devastated.”