3 decades of Queer Women making Herstory through Music
Written for Pink Washed Zine issue #3
by Raquel Silva aka Raquel Smith-Cave
            I turned 30 this year, more precisely last August and itâs also been 12 years since I had my first girlfriend. When I started thinking about my queerness more seriously back in 2005/2006 I quickly realized how it wasnât that usual for girls to be fascinated by Linda Perry in boxer shorts and combat boots like I was at 5 years old. My mom says 4 Non Blondes âWhatâs upâ was my favorite song back then and she even bought the CD so I could listen to it on repeat and not just wait for the video to magically appear on the TV. Thanks Ma!
            Through my teenage years I had âBaby Can I Hold Youâ by Tracy Chapman constantly playing in my head. Mind you, I always have a song in my mind and I burst into singing at the most unexpected times, itâs mostly an unconscious act which can be embarrassing in front of people who donât know me well. Honestly I  donât care much, itâs just a part of my nature and if Iâm not murmuring or humming some melody it usually means thereâs something wrong. So at around 15/16 I remember starting to sing the chorus for âBut you can say babyâŚâ out of nowhere in school breaks or while walking home. This happened constantly and exactly why my brain was stuck with this melody was a complete mystery to me. Maybe I heard it in passing or on the radioâŚ? I could never find the answer but I did buy Tracyâs self-titled vinyl this year during Record Store Day and discovered it was released exactly 30 years ago. Itâs a precious record, her voice is warm and familiar and her guitar is so soothing to the soul. I think I finally answered my teenage self on all that musical haunting.
            CĂĄssia Eller is a Brazilian artist who made the 90s a really wholesome, magical, golden time for every lesbian in love with husky voices. Her hit song âMalandragemâ was part of this series called Malhação but I only found out she was the mystical singer behind that iconic childhood tune years after listening to it on the show. She tragically died in 2001 and even after that she still created major impact in society, when her longtime girlfriend won custody of their son, after battling against CĂĄssiaâs father who had never cared about his daughter until money was involved. CĂĄssia was a shy person who became a complete lion on stage. Humble and almost too pure to handle the hype. She just wanted to sing to people and exorcise her demons while making others happy. Which she did and so much more. Her legacy is tremendous, as it still resonates with so many of us today and the world hasnât really witnessed anyone quite as ingenious as her ever since.
              Itâs 2007 and Iâm watching a live concert in a Portuguese music festival on TV featuring a wild ass singer with the screaming voice of my wildest grrrl dreams. Itâs The Gossip! And Beth Ditto is rolling around the stage, singing her lungs out in front of a pretty chill crowd. I wanted to BE THERE. I probably discovered Gossipâs music through CSS who I was obsessed with at the time or probably from watching The L Word. The truth is: the more intrigued I was by the words of this fat, dyke, goddess the more comfortable I felt about my own identity. I was fat for most of my childhood and got bullied for it on a regular basis, just part of being in an all-girls catholic school life I guess. At 13 someone called me âFufaâ which is basically âDykeâ in Portuguese and it was the most traumatic experience ever. Years later I wish I could have thanked the girl who bullied me out of a closet I wasnât even aware I was in. I donât believe I was ever in the closet though. Honestly, falling in love with a girl was just as natural as having crushes on boys. It was just another question I had finally found an answer for. Beth Dittoâs pride in her queerness and blatant attraction to butch people while being a proud femme, fat, dyke made me feel represented in a way I hadnât seen myself before and ok with my own desires. Ditto!
               The first glance of The L Word I watched I didnât really enjoyed. The image was dark and the plot seemed so tragic. It was Jenny somewhere in the first season. After one year I finally watched the whole 2 or 3 seasons that were out by then. Tegan and Sara play in one episode and are featured in the soundtrack, which I still go back to sometimes to remember really great tunes. What a blessing to have Tegan and Sara guide you through your first acid trip and âcoming out of that closetâ am I right Dana? (RIP) My love affair with Canadian people started right there with Teganâs goofiness and Saraâs witty remarks. By 2007 âThe Conâ came out and became a staple to the LBGTQ+ community. So much so that the band released a special covers album last year, with many queer artists recreating those magnificent songs. In the records that followed their sound was purposefully re directed to more pop melodies which I couldnât relate to anymore. They did make good use of their huge platform by launching the Tegan and Sara foundation, which fights for LGBTQ girls and women all over the world with the help of some amazing queer people.
                The other tiny Canadian who owns my heart is Ellen Page. Ever since Juno, my gaydar was just screaming out loud in every direction possible and Iâm so happy that she is now able to be herself freely. Just like Juno, my musical top 3 included Patti Smith and Iggy Pop⌠but not The Runaways. For me itâs actually Nick Cave. I never gave too much attention to The Runaways, though I knew about Joan Jett and her extremely queer badass persona from being a teenager obsessed with punk rock and riot grrrl herstory. Until Kristen Stewart got cast to play Joan for The Runaways movie and I finally listened to their 70s records. I fell in love with Kristen and Dakotaâs version of âDead End Justiceâ as well as the original. Gaystew was born to play that part. Just last week I saw Bad Reputation, a documentary about Joanâs life with lots of awesome people speaking about how incredible she is, as both a pioneer for women in rockân roll and an advocate for human and animal rights. At 60 sheâs still rocking the fuck out of leather pants, inspiring kids to start bands, making everyone smitten by her confidence and flipping the finger to the all the hypocritical social definitions of gender, sex and music.
               Itâs really difficult to write about Janelle MonĂĄe. Not because I donât have words but mostly because I have too many. Janelle caught my eye and ears with âTightropeâ where sheâs prancing around wearing her uniform, as she proudly used to talk about her suit, an homage to her working class parents and Kansas City upbringing. I saw her live at the end of 2010, at a winter festival, where all my other friends went on to watch Stingâs daughter I Blame Coco and I stood front row waiting for Janelle. It was life changing. She danced, jumped, screamed and even painted something into a blank canvas throughout the whole set. Her band was impeccably orchestrated and the show was extremely cinematic, since many of Janelleâs inspirations are from sci-fi movies. Her music is layered and complex just like her personality. Over the years she has been extremely mysterious, one of the things I appreciated the most about her. This year that changed. After much speculation in the media, she said in an interview sheâs pansexual, as someone who has had relationships with men and women, thatâs how she identifies more comfortably. Above all sheâs an artist with a very specific vision and talent, carving the path for Afrofuturism; to create space for black people but especially queer POC to conquer over the systematic racism, lack of opportunities and prejudice in our society. Her new record âDirty Computerâ is the materialization of that evolution, the most âJanelleâ album ever. Covering everything from sexual freedom to political issues while using a pop funky beat. Reminiscing one of her heroes, Prince, who became a friend and mentor before passing away in 2016. And all I want for 2019 is to be in the same room as Janelle and take on another voyage dans la lune with all the other androids.
         Annie Clark has also played around with the idea of being an alien or a cyborg, especially on her self-titled album from 2014. Thatâs when I saw her live for the time and I had to give into my friendâs obsession with her music. Last year St. Vincent released âMasseductionâ, an almost perfect record, in my opinion. The song with the same title is most definitely an anthem for our generation âI canât turn off what turns me onâŚâ and after a long relationship with model/actress Cara Delevingne or that summer fling with Kristen Stewart, it was clear, Annie is queer. (Pun so intended) While songs like âNew Yorkâ or âLos Agelessâ can be associated to both of those relationships, Annieâs talent as an exquisite guitar player, fearless innovative sounds and unique live shows, have made her the intergalactic rock Goddess of our queer dreams.
         Widely inspired by Annie Clark is my next musical Queeroe. Mackenzie Scott aka Torres. Thereâs something about debut albums that I really love and Torres self-titled LP from 2013 is definitely in my top favorites list. Itâs really fucking sad music with raw emotion, as you can hear in âHoneyâ, âJealousy and Iâ or âWhen Winterâs overâ. Her second album âSprinterâ showed a very exciting evolution in her sound but itâs âThree Futuresâ from 2017 that encapsulates Mackenzieâs desire towards experimenting with her sexuality in a more explicit way. As seen in the video for the first single where she takes on gender roles as both feminine and masculine characters who are living the dreadful âAmerican Dreamâ. Plus the cover picture for that record is her staring at a semi naked woman on a pole, marking 2017 as very gay year for music.   Â
              Laura Jane Graceâs voice first made waves through my ears because of the collab Against Me! did with Tegan Quin back in 2007 for the single âBorne On The FM Waves Of The Heartâ. The song didnât stick to me that long and although I had heard Against Me! was my kind of band I never took the time to really listen to them. Until 2014, when âTransgender Dysphoria Bluesâ was released and it rapidly became one of the most important records of my life. I started watching many interviews with Laura Jane about the struggles of coming out as a trans woman in this fucked up world, specifically while being part of the punk scene, where thereâs not much space for anything other than toxic masculinity. I related to Lauraâs journey and with every single lyrics on âTrue trans soul rebelâ since it felt like the most authentic punk anthem I had heard in a while. I went to their first ever gig in Portugal in 2015 and screamed as much as I could surrounded by my family of misfits, all wearing black and their heart tattoos on their sleeves. I dug into Against Me! discography but other than the single âI was a teenage anarchistâ which I already knew, nothing got me hooked as much as âTransgender Dysphoria Bluesâ did. Laura Janeâs name is very much appropriate, for her Grace is felt through her screams as much as her written words, something I found fascinating while reading her auto biography: âTranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Selloutâ. I loved every page of it, with original diary pieces, she takes us on a wild precious ride from her childhood and family issues to all the drama in the music industry or the tribulations of managing a band in this time and age. Thereâs really nothing more punk rock than being yourself and Laura Jane does it with so much effortless coolness and Grace.
      I tried not to listen to Courtney Barnett for months. I had seen the hype around her but didnât feel quite ready to embark in that journey and my queers did I regret it⌠She played at Primavera Sound Porto in 2015 and I started listening to her on loop only weeks after that. The heartbreaking part is that I was also at that festival. The good part is that she came back in 2016 to another festival in Lisbon and I was there just for her (and Father John Misty). Which felt like the stars had aligned with my musical desires. Sheâs unapologetically herself but not in the way that you would say so about Cardi B for example. Sheâs wickedly smart with her words and unexpectedly brutal with her chords, right before she opens her mouth she looks like the sweetest person you will ever meet and after you are transported to her own island, full of genius puns, sarcastic inputs about daily life or the state of the world. My favorite verse is from âPedestrian at bestâ and I almost got it tattooed⌠âGive me all your money and Iâll make some origami honeyâ. Which to me roughly translates to: Fuck Capitalism! Sheâs also very open about her long term relationship with her wife and fellow musician Jen Cloher, making them the ultimate indie rockâs queer power couple.
         2016 was the darkest year of my life. I stopped listening to music for months, stopped sleeping and my panic attacks would strike me even if I was in the middle of a busy street. It was scary to lose myself in such dark thoughts but then one day I listened to Shuraâs song âToo shyâ and felt like a little bit of me was alive again. Her debut album âNothingâs realâ came out around that time and her lyrics for the title song were exactly what I felt through my depression. In this song she is writing about her own experience with a panic attack that makes you feel like dying. And they do. âToo Shyâ is a beautiful tune about unrequited love because you are simply too fucking shy to ever go for it and ask your crush on a date. Being shy and anxious almost always go hand in hand, as an awkward, quiet, weird introvert myself, discovering Shuraâs songs and story gave me hope and made me gather the lost pieces of my own identity, leaving all the pain, shame and constant anxiety behind. Music really is medicine for the soul.
         Julien Baker also has one of the best debut albums Iâve ever heard. Personally, itâs very special because it marks the beginning of my current relationship, as my girlfriend surprised me with Julienâs âSprained Ankleâ vinyl just weeks after we started dating. That vinyl did not leave my record player for the last months of 2016 and whenever I listen to it now, I am instantly transported to that moment in time. I was finally getting back on my feet and everything was falling into place, Julienâs gigantic voice echoed my natural melancholy, embracing my demons with a new found strength.  Iâve seen her twice, both times a very out of body experience and had the pleasure to let her know how much her music has helped me. We hugged, talked and she even has the zine I make (CuntRoll) in her living room table because she likes it so much. She is someone I could definitely see myself hanging out in my group of friends and thatâs what I love the most about this new generation of artists, who arenât trying to be something theyâre not for the sake of money or exposure. They embrace who they are and let the world decide if they wanna take it or leave it. And thatâs exactly what we need right now, to accept and embrace people for who they are and the art they make. So we can all to the same in our own lives.
         âYeah Iâve got it Iâm a man nowâŚâ are the verses that got stuck with me for weeks after listening to Christine and The Queens single âiTâ. Yes, the capital T is on purpose as it represents testosterone, the hormone used by many Trans AFAB people to start the process of becoming more themselves. This androgynous handsome French creature original name is Heloise and since her worldwide success with her first record âChaleur Humaineâ she has shredded so many stereotypes through her music, her dancing and her style. I hate comparing artists but some people call her â the French Michael Jacksonâ for a reason. My chin dropped while watching her cover for Beyonceâs âSorryâ which she transformed into her own song like itâs nobodyâs business (please go watch it asap). This year she blessed as with her second LP just called âChrisâ inviting the world to be a little bit closer to her. Chris is her nickname and presents us with a new image for Heloise, embracing her masculine vibe more than ever before, with short hair, loose clothing and talking proudly about queer issues in many interviews. The video for the single â5 dollarsâ is the epitome of gender fucking and the reason why I am even gayer now tbh.  (You should watch that also!) The future is genderqueer.
         I stayed away from the hype of âGirls like Girlsâ back in 2015 because Iâm mostly suspicious of pop artists using gay stories to go with the trend of pink washing, ie Katy Perry âI kissed a girlâ is a fucking jam but also really fucking problematic, coming from a cis het white female who has no idea the struggles of being queer. Hayley Kiyoko is most definitely not one of those artists though, as she has slowly but certainly become the Lesbian Jesus weâve all been praying for. With âCuriousâ she let us know thereâs a new fucking boss in town and sheâs so fucking gay. What a time to be alive, 20gayteen is real and we are here to witness it all. Hayleyâs not the greatest singer in the world, but she uses the best of her skills to give voice to all the kids who struggled with feeling alienated because they couldnât fit in anywhere. She creates videos which are more like short stories, where she not only acts, but also writes and directs with her own team, never compromising her vision to tell the stories she wants to tell. Stories that resonate with so many queer people and we all know how important representation is, especially coming from an authentic source. To have such a person in the mainstream is what Tegan and Sara were thriving for a few years ago but the result wasnât very genuine, something that doesnât happen with Hayleyâs songs. Her album âExpectationsâ doesnât have big hits, other than âFeelings and âCuriousâ but itâs the debut album of someone with a huge potential and vision to take up the space for ourselves to tell our own stories and no one else.
               Linn Da Quebrada is the musical Goddess of the moment. Eloquent, inspiring, caustic, no one is left indifferent after listening to her. And that's exactly what she wants, to leave us on our tiptoes waiting to be carried away by words of pleasure, empowerment, trans feminism and especially so much self-love. Each verse is a lyrical genius clapback in the face of this transphobic, sexist and racist society. Prejudices that kill so many queer people of color in Brazil every year. Her existence is transforming, rewriting the HERSTORY of the world and of her country, through the re-appropriation of funk, where SHE finally gets to be the protagonist of her own story and that courage surpasses linguistic or cultural barriers. In 2017 she released her first album âPajubĂĄâ after a very successful crowdfunding campaign and also has her own documentary called âBixa Travestyâ which has gathered accolades through many film festivals around the world. The song âBixa Pretaâ is a fucking iconic anthem for 20gayteen and for all of my maricones family out in the world fighting everyday for our existence to be respected.
