Zahria’s Mind

Hold up,

how could you call this love if you never known of

a love that captures your old traumas you have a hard time taking control of

You put us on the back burner

claim your mind has gotten so loud

your heart can’t find the words to spill out

And every day you spend away in outer space

I’m on the ground wilting away

claim you see my ache but you won’t until I’ve gone away

Hold up,

How can this be when we

said we were no way near ready

guess you can say lust and temptation

is a dangerous combination

now we’re facing

the aftermath of pure infatuation

there can be no connection

only walls keeping us apart

cause I need space

the way I loved you is too harsh on my brain

it won’t erase

I still see your face and smell your scent though you’re miles away

and

when we say I love you

we mean it two different ways

I want you to stay but I won’t show you anymore of me

cause that’s more you take

I won’t offer a hand or give you my grace

cause I’ve been doing it out of love

Now I’m stuck in a hard place

I always get told to let it go. Let it be. Just breathe. You’ll be set free. But, I’m tired. Haven’t I paid karma in full? Haven’t I learned my lessons like school? Why is it never the right timing for me? Visions of you leaving turn into reality as it unfolds right in front of me. You could say it’s time but I feel your absence inch by inch. Used to say, “I’m an open book”. But now, I come with a lock and no key. Cause all these memories are flooding me and I can’t stay afloat. I feel like the tide is taking me. I can’t hide from how I feel inside so I just sleep.

I don’t know why I desperately desire someone to understand me and nurture me. I don’t let many people in but when I do, I give all of me. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? For people to experience you, the real you, aren’t you supposed to be true? What’s the point being open if I won’t tell you about the darkness that grew? What’s the point of loving with limits? What’s the point of going through this to remain as two?

Every time I think I’m being released, someone or something adds more time to my sentence. Sometimes, I go willingly, no dragging my feet. My weaken heart puts me there and accepts defeat. Opening me up is not as easy as it seems. It takes all my strength. So when people leave, they take pieces of me. I feel it so deeply. That’s an emptiness you can’t shake. Only one you can pray goes away as the day fades.

I feel like staying out of everyone’s way today. I haven’t unpacked why nor took the time to. But, I’m having a quiet day. I have my highs and lows. When I’m high, I feel so fucking high off life. Like everything is everything. The sun shines differently, the breeze is more gentle, and the compliments just roll in. People always tell me something about my energy, personality, or character. It throws me off every time because I never expect people to notice.

On my low days, I feel like the whole day is dragging out. I stay to myself because I don’t want to affect anyone else. I get in my head about the littlest things. Then the little things turn into big things. And makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I try to remember to treat my feelings like a guest. Invite them in but, don’t allow them to overstay their welcome. I know it’s all mind games. But it feels too real. At times, I don’t want to get out of bed. If I can, I just lay there all day. I don’t eat. I don’t drink. I might cry and if I do, it never ends.

I got my mind in the palm of my hand. I don’t wanna lose it. I got my heart in the left, I don’t wanna break anymore than it already is. Visuals of you walking out the door as I cry for hours more. You would think I learned my lesson by now. Think I have it somewhat figured out. A girl like me is incapable of receiving that love she gives out. The love she dreams. The love everyone in her life gets to experience. That’s what it seems. Maybe my issue is, I got too much baggage. And they don’t notice until it’s dragging. I end up being the one they regret. Or the one they fall out of love with. I shut down soon as the words hit. I back out soon as you hurt this heart of mine, is not of gold. It’s of good intention. It’s not pure. And it ain’t damaged. It still beats prior to multiple surgeries.

Just has a different rhythm. I’m not a broken doll. As my pieces fall, I count them all. I can be restored. I will find the light inside me again and hold it tightly. I don’t know the reason why I loosened my grip. Maybe I was being co-dependent. Maybe I should have taken my own advice to know my place and furnish it nice. Truth is, if we don’t do this, I’m putting all my guards back up cause my friends don’t know me as well as this. I don’t tell them what you know. I don’t show them what I’ve shown. I’m selective. You can call it childish and tell me I’m wilding. Tell me, to you, it’s not that deep. But do you remember how it felt to finally release all your love to one person? Tell them things you’ve never said out loud. No withholding. Laugh with them about things you used to never joke about. Be so vulnerable, you can feel the rawness of your skin. Do you remember how good it felt to breathe again?

I don’t depend on you for air supply. I don’t expect you to stay past your time. I’m trying to be mature but I can’t bring myself to say it was good while it lasted. And just let you walk right past me. Truth is, I want to crash out. For things you don’t even know about. For reasons, I could never get out. For being such a fuck up, everything I love turns to dust. I think I should put my heart up and let it rust. Truth is, I’ve had enough. My mind needs to take over before auto pilot does. Cause I’m having a hard time staying sober. It’s on my mind like good days. Tears flood my eyes and drown my face. Yet, my expression stays the same. Even when I’m fucking losing it, I try my best to maintain. I say fuck it all.

Do you think I’m better off mysterious? Did I look better from afar? When you studied me, did you have certain expectations of me? Were you surprised by my qualities? I want to know your perspective. Often times, I think people liked me better when we didn’t cross paths. I do think I’m a handful cause I allow my emotions to cut me in halves. I have my moments when I feel heavy and have no idea how to unload it. I get angry because I’m scared this will end before I know it. You never know these days. One day you’re in love, next day, they embody everything you hate.

I wonder if you would be better off with inconsistent hour long phone calls. The ones with light flirting and heavy laughter. I wonder if I would be better off imagining our chapter. I would spend hours making up different scenarios in my head. Just to brush them off right after. I can’t help but to think your perspective of me is shattered. While you construct a new view, I’m stuck trying to pick up pieces of me that are scattered. Everyone I love misplaces their affection for me. Then I’m left waiting to see what’s it gonna be. But they leave as expected. I always feel their absence while I’m in their arms. Like their mind is still here but their heart is far gone. I try to convince myself it’s not a pattern. I try to stay grounded cause I will rocketeer myself to Saturn. Will we ever find our way back to each other? I feel like the more time apart, the more we suffer. What if we see each other and nothing is intact? I don’t know how to recover from that.

I retreat back to my solitude and break myself into two. I never been blind to abuse unless it was my own. I’ve never had a place to call home. All the ones I’ve built have been wrecked, leased, and sold. Except for this little townhome I constructed for myself. The lights are always off cause I’m never home. I’ll occasionally drop in, pick up some clothes, then I’m back on the road. Cause the silence is too defying. I know I’ll get stuck there. Deep in my mind, I know I can’t grow there. Too afraid I’ll crash out over every inconvenience cause I’ve had enough for the world’s beatings. I can’t open up there. Anger is found in my bloodstream, fighting for peace isn’t all it’s perceived to be.

It’s almost like I’m too sensitive for society. So, I keep everything inside of me. Cause no one’s providing me the space I need to unpack my anxiety. They say do it for yourself but myself needs help. There’s a limit to what she can provide for me. Overall, I’m just tired of feeling lonely so I submerge myself in others. I forgot why that’s so harmful. When they leave, emptiness sneaks back in behind them. And I, rely on pen and paper to save me. Giving ink way too much responsibility. And I, spend too much time in the mirror struggling to understand my existence. Trying to find my purpose but my patience is nonexistent. Beating myself up isn’t pleasurable, It’s self discipline, there’s a difference.

Figuring myself out is equivalent to piecing together a puzzle with a thousand pieces. Then out of a thousand, some of them are damaged or don’t belong to the same picture. Now, I’m short a few in the center. At times, I visualize my brain splattered and wonder what I’ll find in the grey matter. I need to know what be fucking with my wave pattern. Cause I know some cloudy days are just in my head. They make me feel chained to my bed. So what is it? A chemical imbalance? Is that why I always feel the need to escape to my palace? I need to know why it’s so hard for me to grasp reality. Maybe it’s because the world lacks morality. Between injustice and high mortality, living here is destined for mind brutality.

Do you ever sit back and think, “Damn, I really need to reflect.” Or do you wait until the world crumbles at your feet? See, me, I try every chance I get. But, I run from things I don’t understand. I hate when the right thing to me turns out to be the wrong thing. I hate right person, wrong timing. I hate issuing apologies. Or when I hurt someone and they reconsider all my qualities. I sit back and say, “Damn girl, you shole know how to push everyone away.” And I think to myself, why do I do that? Why pray for the softest love then run away when I realize that doesn’t come with ease? Why ask for greatness but then cry over my bruised self esteem? He has made it clear that everything isn’t what it seems. One bad storm can mean a rainbow ahead. One enemy means pray and he’ll cover the spread. One negative thought can turn into twelve. Will you get out of your head or leave yourself for dead? Will you move on or will you dwell?

When I self reflect, these are the questions I ask myself. What do you want? What do you have to say that you’ve been suppressing for days? Who do you need to make amends with? Did you try to pray it away? Did you run to your friends or did you talk to him then put it to rest? Do you need a reset? Have you been stressed? Why is your brain scattered? Do you still have dreams of your brain splattered? What does that mean? Are you really chasing your dreams? Are you satisfied with your life? Do you need therapy? Or are you done repairing? All questions I don’t have answers to. So, what does that mean? I’m not healing? I’m at a stand still?

I lay on the carpet sometimes thinking about all the times I went wrong in life. Staring at these four cream colored walls aren’t appealing. But, I keep playing my favorite memories of myself on the ceiling.

Laughing. Jumping. Running.

The thrill of living is the gift that keeps on giving.

Screaming. Crying. Kicking.

People come and go. But, as long as you know you’re solid, your mind will stop spinning.

Destroying. Isolating. Numbing.

I miss the times I had someone to hold me. Love me and never scold me. Nowadays, I feel like a halfway point. They’re all just passing through. Why doesn’t anyone stay like they’re supposed to? Like, am I only good for a fuck? A couple bucks? Do I not mean shit? Are my feelings not enough? I’m exhausted of running through bodies. It’s costly. I’m getting sloppy. All I want is someone to find me. The lonely void I’m in convinces me everyday that the demons can win. Can you remind me of what it takes to live?

I’m overzealous. Let another get too close, I get jealous. Hate to admit it but nobody know me. They see my face and wanna get to know me. They learn my ways and wanna hold me. They try to understand my pain, then go away when it overflows me. What can I say? My body was made to heal my wounds but soon as someone lays dead before me, suddenly I know what to do. I know CPR and the Heimlich too. I have all the tools to heal you, fix you, make you, and break you. But don’t have the strength to use my sense and fix me too. I’m broken on the inside. So you never see what I’m going through or know how I truly feel. People think I’m a blessing but I know the real deal. I know that I push hard so you don’t feel what I feel. Or see the world like me. I love intensely because that cancels out the hatred I have for all living things. Including me.

All I want is real love, real trust, something more than a fuck. I wanna be touched but not with your hands. With your mind, heart, and spirit. You gotta stimulate my soul before I even let you come near it. I want to be soft. I’ve been rough around the edges, breaking my back for people that betrayed me at any cost. I wanna be found by a genuine soul. I’ve been so damn lost with no one to console. I want patience. You know I still got things to work on so you offer your assistance. I want guidance, I may not love you right but shit I’m trying. Take time to understand my faults cause this is all I know. I ain’t used to being loved. I’m used to feeling cold. Being on go. Healing every soul I encounter. While mine stands alone.

I’ve always been told I’m too hard to love. Too difficult to please. When I’ve only asked for the simplest of things. Never wanted anything expensive. Can I see your penmanship? I need something money can’t buy. Tell me how you burn for me, tell me only I ignite the fire in your soul. How do I make you feel alive? Confess to me like it’s your first time and when you look into my eyes, you get butterflies. That’s all I want. Someone to actually take their time to love me in my love language.

I know in today’s world it’s unorthodox. To think outside the box. To live in the moment and not worry about the clock. I think the issue is I’m too challenging. To love me means to do things you don’t normally do. Like healing your inner child. For me to love you I need to know what made you happy as a kid. Who neglected your emotions that resulted to you always going off the grid?

To love me means taking time to look within. If you’ve been putting up a facade, not letting anyone in, be prepared for last curtain call with no applause. I’m going to put you in the spotlight until I find the real you. I think loving me means breaking your law. Relearning everything you were taught. Maybe that’s why I’m too hard to love. I’m too righteous. In the wrong hands, I’m corrupted. But to the right one, I’m being productive. I’m not too hard to love. I was just trying to love the wrong motherfuckers.

It’s been hell everyday. Mentally, I’m so far away. Can you see me? I never talk about how soul crushing it was to be the one to fight for people to stay. But, no one ever fought for me. It takes me leaving for them to see. It takes me reclaiming everything I gave for them to take a step back and look in the mirror to discover the real monster is them not me. How dare you try to release your demons on me. I’m fighting internally, there’s so much that you don’t see. So much that you don’t think about when it comes to me.

You take my love for granted. Use my kindness as an advantage. I’ve stayed past my date. I’ve let too much slide, you think it’s okay to ice skate. Man, what is going to take you to appreciate all that you have and all you’ve received? You’ve played with my mind so much, every word of yours is hard to believe. I don’t trust you, where are the receipts? Sometimes I think it’s better to leave. You can’t keep doing this to me. Hurting the one person who’s trying to teach you how to breathe. Trying to help you succeed. Making sure you have a place of peace.

Often times I feel like y’all laugh at me. As if my stress is humorous and this is all a game I happened to fall into. Let’s play with the big, broken-hearted girl, and see how long she stays. How much more can she take? Let’s push her until she breaks. Is that what you do? One falls, you call up another to validate you? We get into it, you text one like “what you doing?”. You discarded my feelings for nice curves. I kept it cool, but you struck a nerve. How am I supposed to be safe with you?

You downplayed me to people who aren’t a quarter of me. It replays in my head constantly. You make me feel like my all is nothing. Like no matter what you are going to do me dirty and claim protection cause it’s all too early. I prove everyday that I’m worthy and not ruthless. If someone wants to be patient with you, they’ll put you on their to do list. But I can’t shake the feeling of being replaceable. All these issues you inflicted on me drain my energy and confirm all the things I hate about myself.

It’s contradicting. You tell me you love me but it seems like you have to think first to consider my feelings. Despite all of this I’m still trying to be more than a memory. But if all these girls can access you, you’ll just have to remember me. One lie can taint your word. You haven’t shown that you wanna be pure. Why I gotta work overtime for your affection? When I pull back, I’m scared you won’t make any objections. I can’t love the both of us, for us. So, I guess it’s time to go. I’m not ready, I’m moving real slow. Hoping you’ll catch up to my speed and tell me not to let go. Tell me not to let go.

Something tells me, I’m not good enough and never will be. Maybe that’s why I ain’t got nobody. Too caught up in my head. But my soul says, stick to what you know. Hold ‘em close then let ‘em go. Don’t save, just preserve. Do as you’re told.

Don’t set any rules. Don’t give them any restrictions. Love them as so. Damaged souls have no sense of right from wrong. All they do is cause harm to the ones that keep them warm. So, I don’t go hard. Cause no matter how much I love them, they always burn me and leave me charred. I show them how it feels when someone genuinely cares and they give me more fears. Such a fair exchange. This heart of mine can be such a fucking pain. So passionate, I’m a walking wildfire. Confess your love to me, that shit gets me inspired.

It’s the thrill of the chase. Wait no, It’s the thrill of warm embrace. Yes, love can be detrimental but what about the times it’s gentle? Told you about my scars and you looked at me with the same spark in your eyes when you first saw me, non judgmental. Carpet burns on my knees from praying over you, sentimental. Even if our love fails, promise me we’ll take the time we need to get back on track, developmental.

Once I’m in, I’m all in. Like a tattoo, baby I’m deep in your skin. Wanna be on your mind, running laps around your cerebrum. Let me be your escape from your daily income. Spend some time with me. I’ll pick those weeds off your head, I got a green thumb. See how I get so carried away? Too excited thinking about what could be, I always forget my place. Golden hands. Golden heart. The blessed aren’t meant to be saved. A healer’s purpose is not to be praised. But, well behaved. Know your place.

Slap on the wrist. Rubber band around my hip. I keep stretching it. Every time I feel like addressing it, I get to cutting it. Call it a punishment but it provides temporary relief. All this anger inside of me leaks freely. I’m sorry that my method isn’t healthy. I’ve tried stopping. I’ve tried sitting down with a PHD around. The weight of the world sits on my shoulders. Every time I walk, the deeper my feet sink into the ground. They say do better. Just don’t call me when you under the weather. They say write it out. Just don’t read it to me out loud.

But you should get it out. It’s not good to keep everything inside you. Scratching from the inside out. Talk yo shit. Just don’t let the darkness speak. Don’t let those storms inside you rain on our happy days. Tell me you care. Tell me if I wasn’t here, you’ll make sure my mama okay. Tell me you see my face. You read the warning signs. You smell the alcohol on me. I feel like I’m drowning in front of everyone. In front of the people I love. In front of people that care so much. Didn’t notice I stopped breathing months ago. They tell me be passionate. If you want something go after it.

Social butterfly, you love to spread your wings. Little girl from Germany, you love riding your bike and watching the clouds slowly move in the sky. 20 year old Z caring about the wrong things. Taking on more than what they see. Bleeding on the inside. Smiling on the outside. Cry when they don’t see. So I get down on my knees and pray for release. Cause I’m fighting with every bone in my body. All for me.

Palm trees and peach colored sunsets somehow didn’t restore my pieces. Loving you was nice. But, you didn’t fulfill what I was missing. I’ve been quiet inside. Silenced my thoughts and toned down my intuition. Sometimes it felt like I wasn’t breathing. Or I wasn’t in the same moment as you.

2,000 miles away, laying in the same bed, holding your hand and I felt no connection towards you. 7 years in the making, you always felt like a home that the little girl in me could run to. Until you shut the door. I thought the stars would align once more as a confirmation for us. So, I waited and nothing occurred. I guess you had a reason to be worried.

This confirms your fears. Once we crossed that line, we could never get back lost time. This burns my throat from holding back tears. Wishing you were here turned into don’t come near. Years of friendship feels wasted. It feels like I gave you the rest of my heart and you didn’t cherish it. I can’t be too upset, you weren’t ready for me yet. But, you didn’t complain when you being fed or kissed before bed. I thought friends to lovers would be the best thing. Everything is not what it seems to be.