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I don’t understand empathy, even cognitive empathy is hard to grasp. I can see a reaction but it’s hard to understand what it means or what causes it. I don’t typically care much about the feelings of others besides curiosity or, if I’m fond of them, I will try to think of what they are feeling or why. Because you don’t understand you have to build a cheat sheet in your mind. Tears? Typically sad or upset, on rare occasions caused by joy or relief. Smile? Inviting and friendly. Look at the body language, when have you seen that stance? Is it relaxed? Open? Or are they tense? After you take note of all of this you are left to piece together a puzzle of what these signs lead to. It’s fascinating to watch but I only understand in theory, not in practice. I don’t understand when someone sobs in front of me. I don’t understand when people want to get together to hang out. I ONLY understand the pleasure of having someone around because of my husband. He knows everything that prevents me from “truly being human”. He loves me anyways and I love him. I do take the time to understand why things upset him and I try my best to understand. I wouldn’t say it’s empathy, but extreme anger. Anger that someone has been cruel towards him. I genuinely care and love him, and I want to be there for him however I can.

I used to have a friend with aspd as well. We coexisted well, we enjoyed each other’s company, watched out for each other; essentially, we became one another. She did have value to me, but I did not feel any empathy towards her. She was someone like me, that wasn’t something that would happen between us. It was simply rewards and damage control that we focused on.

Not understanding these things can be frustrating sometimes though. People are so complex it’s a fun challenge but gosh it can drive you mad.

Okay so this is just a rant but I hate when people assume just because someone has aspd means that they are evil or are only out to hurt others. I have aspd and I am not going to sugar coat it, I do not care about others or even myself. The ONLY exception to this is my husband and I genuinely do everything I can to treat him well. But everything else is expendable. But just because I don’t care about or hold value to these things does not mean I am actively seeking out people to hurt. I go to therapy, and have found effective ways to live a life I will be happy with. Me and my therapist have quite literally set my end goal as “learn to have fun in life with as little consequence as possible”. I sometimes even reference the “golden rule” ngl 💀. I’m just trying to have fun and not have to deal with consequences. Does that mean that everything im currently doing is “right”? Not at all, I am actively making decisions that will earn me great consequences. But, because I want it bad enough, I am willing to risk the consequences. But as long as I’m not hurting anything, why does it matter? I make friends with people I am fond of and I don’t really interact with people I don’t like unless the situation calls for it.

HIIII!!! First post but I thought I’d share the drawing of what it was like when I saw our husband for the first time 😻