Your Local Safe Space

Been kinda sad though because I keep having the urge to send a message to my friend and update him about things but of course I'm not allowed to talk to him now so... I'm just kinda left sitting there staring at my phone.

I wanna believe maybe fate intended for me to have to lose him in order to meet her because I don't have room for both of them in my life. It's a weird coincidence about the timing for sure. I'm just glad she seems like a level headed person who knows where she wants to go in life even though she is dealing with a lot of stress rn. I admire someone like that whether or not I'm in a relationship with them.

I know it's likely because of the way certain people have treated me during my life. Someone I called best friend. He threw me out like a bag of garbage. Again. The fourth time. And there isn't going to be a next time because I am not a piece of trash. I make mistakes. I'm human. And I don't even know what I did wrong. Maybe I didn't do anything wrong and he's just continuing to cut every person out of his life. Because that's a lot easier than trying to resolve something, right? Of course it is. As long as you're fine with being lonely and miserable forever and never forming any kind of genuine connection with someone.

Yes, I suppose am I a little bitter about it. It feels like nothing that we had was real. He made me feel terrible about myself. He made me feel judged. He made me feel ashamed. I think that's the biggest one. Just so ashamed of being. Because there wasn't any way that I could exist without being a burden.

And right now I'm scared of a mistake I made, a very small mistake, ruining a relationship. Another one. Because I can't stop thinking about how what I did might be misconstrued into me trying to be manipulative. So soon after he dumped me. It feels weird saying a friend dumped me, but that's what happened.

And it sounds kind of crazy to blame him for how I'm feeling right now, but... I think it's his fault I feel this way. Why I'm so scared. I don't even know if I'm allowed to be friends with anyone he knows.

I'm spiraling and I don't know where the spiral ends. I'm holding on, but just barely. The moments where I am able to calm myself down are my only respite. The rest is hell. Food doesn't seem interesting to me right now even though I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach.

I hope if you are reading this and you have experienced something similar, that you feel less alone in your mental illness. I really hope I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. The only reason I'm posting this publicly I suppose is to make myself feel less alone. With the vague hope that someone might hear me screaming into the void.

I'm going to make a real effort to have a healthier diet again. It's been hard to get used to living with someone who cooks for me. I might have to just set a boundary with myself that it's okay for me to turn down food that someone else made if it interferes with my calorie intake.

It's just so much easier for me to be able to control what I eat if I don't feel obligated to eat something calorie dense just because it was prepared for me.

I also want to cut way back on sugar and fats. I want to make sure I'm eating enough fiber and drinking enough water because I have been having hemorrhoid issues.

I just want to have normal eating habits at this point. I don't want to feel ill from eating or from not eating or to want to eat 20 cookies at once. I want my clothes to always fit the same and not have to worry about a horrifically bloated stomach.