Call Me C

Bro this is great :D

Ive gotten some more facial hair and noticed fuzz on my chin! Not that noticeable to others but i feel it. I did get one dark hair on my chin like thick and dark but i plucked it because it just looked weird when all the rest of my chin hair is blond. Mustache is getting darker though.

I can feel my adams apple! Its not really visible since im not super thin but i can feel it very prominently.

I got an increase in body hair for sure. I got a happy trail situation going on and much more visible stomach hair as well as visible thigh hair .

I havent taken measurements but based on looking in the mirror i feel less hourglass shaped? My waist seems way less defined and my stomach has gotten a little bigger (which brought on some stretch marks but oh well) and ive gained about 10 pounds apparently though i havent had to go up any clothing sizes or anything; i dont feel any bigger.

Hormones are definitely taking effect as far as how i think about certain people etc. you get what i mean? Im also super hungry now like i need to eat a whole extra meal to feel full.

I apparently smell different? My family as asked a couple times if i got a new deodorant etc because I apparently dont smell the same , which is fine by me! However i do sweat more which feels gross and gets my binders all yucky after a long day outside

I’ve been speaking to my therapist and parents and have gotten in touch with a case manager and endocrinologist.

I have to go in and do some blood tests and all that junk but once the results come through, if all looks good, I’ll get an official date for when I’ll start hrt!

This is incredible and I’m so thankful to have the support and resources that I do.

Binders that look like normal tanktops? Strapless binders?

Sorry I basically never post on here whoops.

DISCLAIMER! I’m a kid! I don’t know the actual harm this is doing, if its doing harm, and I don’t have medical experience! I just know what ive experienced and its helpful to at least me to write down. My goal is just to find what works for me and to write down what doesnt.

Anyways...

A while ago I used trans tape to bind. It was not fun honestly, the tape tugged at my skin, it was uncomfortable and because of how my chest is i had to put the tape sorta high up so there wouldnt be an awkward visible fold. I wore the tape for about 16 hours? Probably not a great idea but i put it on and fell asleep and had practice (closed practice with my friends and a private bathroom so i wasnt as concerned about the tape coming off and being stuck) the next morning so i didnt really have time to take it off. I went to practice and honestly being able to move without feeling the straps of a bra was incredible i will admit but i didnt feel supported and was basically always worried of the tape coming off.

On top of the tape just not feeling that secure it didnt actually bind me that well, it got me about as flat as i would be in a sports bra which is still better than nothing but it didnt help my dysphoria very much.

Im in a bit of a rough patch and need to vent some stuff.

I hate it but i feel almost ashamed that im trans.. like im just adding another detail to myself that people dont need to worry about, that im just making the people around me have to go through the burden of calling me the right pronouns because i know i dont pass. I know i don’t come off as male the second anyone hears my voice. And it really scares me yknow? Im scared of the fact im trans. I dont think ive accepted that i am yet, i get really uncomfortable saying it out loud and even in gsa and at pride i tend to hide it, i show my pride with being bi. My friend pushed me to buy a trans flag at pride and i spent the whole weekend with it shoved in my bag, it was reassuring that it was there but i didnt want anyone to see it. I just wish i were cis and i feel like i shouldnt. Im sorry for the negativity as what im sure we all need is positivity, i sure need some right now.

Being transmale and not being on T or being very masculine looking to begin makes me REALLY scared, especially as im using the men’s restroom and all.

At school they were assigning lockers in the locker rooms and my gym teacher (who doesnt know im trans, my name is changed in the system and ive never talked to them before) read me as male (hooray!) and assigned me a locker in the mens locker room. So i went down and put my things in my locker and just.. i saw their looks and i knew they thought i didnt belong there.. i knew i looked like i made a mistake because their glances told me well enough, i looked down the whole time and only glanced up to not hit walls but i still felt them and when i actually looked up at them i was always right, they were staring. Saying “i have a hormone deficiency so i look really feminine” and “im just really gay lol” (which are both things ive had to say to make people believe me when i say im male and i dont like saying) makes me feel like im hiding something im not proud of and that im ashamed. I dont want to be ashamed. I think trans people are completely valid and should be loved and being proud of your transness is something i am envious of, but i am not proud.

Being made fun of for showing any attraction to the same gender 😔

But then being asked to literally show your dick bc they don’t believe you have one 😂

I know it can be stressful with how much of school is based around your name and how many strangers you have to talk to.

If you’re out at school, make sure to email your teachers ahead of time so they know your name (and pronouns) before they call the wrong one for attendance.

If you can, look into changing your name on gradebook or whatever your school uses, you can have your name changed in the system without changing it legally. (You can do this without parent permission depending on your school!)

If you arent out, try going by a nickname at school, pick a gender neutral one if you can! (For example if your name is jolene try going by jo!)

If you are out, look into getting (or making) a pronoun pin! Less misgendering from other students and teachers.

Look into your schools gsa! It may look scary, especially if you arent out, but being able to have teachers and friends to go to about issues involving gender and sexuality is really useful. Even if you dont go regularly, i always recommend looking into it and seeing what they can offer.

A personal vent, though this probably goes for others as well:

-If someone asks you if your friend is trans, It’s not your place to out them!

-If someone asks what their birthname is and you know it, Don’t tell them! It’s not your or their business! Just say you don’t know!

-Ask who your friend is out to and what people know them by, stop assuming everyone knows they’re trans (personally everyone at my school knows me as my new name and pronouns but I’ve told very few people that I’m trans, half the people who know I’m trans are not people I’ve come out to.)

-Please treat me like any other student, i am not “inbetween” because I’ve had experiences presenting as different genders and i am not “basically a —“ because that is my birth sex

-I am what i identify as

-If I am not correcting people who are misgendering me and you know they know my preferred pronouns, please know it is not because I’m comfortable with those pronouns

-You don’t have to give me a speech everytime you mess up my pronouns or name, just correct yourself, don’t make it seem like a huge deal

-Don’t tell me I would look better if i hadn’t transitioned. It is not a compliment AT ALL. If i had not transitioned i would feel worse than i could ever look.

-If you are not trans, it is not your place to reclaim slurs used against us

-Me being trans does not mean you can ask about my genitals, if you’re not sure when you can ask, act as if I’m cis and see if the question still seems reasonable. (STOP ASKING ABOUT MY GENITALS IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS. WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED SO MANY TIMES.)

-Please respect me and dont act like trans is all i am