Goodbye

A finger on the monkey’s paw curls shut.

Goddammit why do we even HAVE that monkey paw????

….genuinely curious now what would happen if i got ahold of a shrivelled monkey’s paw and wished specifically for jeff bozo’s wealth to be redistributed. give me your worst possible predictions

server crash, meaning it’s not redistributed, just lost

Her little brother looks like a perfectly human ten-year-old, but is actually an Inspector Gadget style full conversion cyborg. His upgrades are only ever used for stupid pranks, and how he got that way is never addressed beyond occasional allusions to “the Accident”.

Does the cat talk because it’s also a cyborg, or because it’s a cat in a magical girl anime

Yes.

does anyone else remember being in, like, middle school and every adult over the age of 30 being like “drawing or writing on your hands is literally the most EVIL thing you can do and can KILL you”

My friend once put her maths homework in a bottle of water and drank it, then became ill and wasn’t able to go to school the next day, pen ink is really bad y'know

ok but you see what the difference here is, right? like you see the difference between drawing on your hands and drinking homework juice, right??

…I wish to know how and why this just occured to you, please

Two years ago one of my cousins wanted to bring her wife to thanksgiving and Joe was all “ew no way” and Mamaw stood her ass up and said “Who the hell do you think you are, saying who is and isn’t welcome in my house? This ain’t your house- you get out! I say who is welcome and YOU is not welcome. Now SCAT!” while slapping at him and then sat back down and asked my cousin if her wife ate catfish. Joe tried to come back in and she popped the tennis balls off her walker and threw them at him until he left

No matter how old Mamaw gets, her hair is still solid black. She still hasn’t gone gray and she’s never once died her hair. Her kids all have heads full of gray hair, and my father- her grandson- is starting to go gray. Mamaw? Nothing. I swear she looks exactly the same as she did when I was a kid.

Cat OS running on mouse hardware.

they also howl! 

Wolf OS running on mouse hardware.

It also metabolises scorpion venom as a painkiller

Mouse runs Doom

Doommouse

Sometimes I really want to have a sit down conversation with God just to ask him why.

I hear them here at nights when camping sometimes. Sounds like a tea kettle

My wife devious statement stands

Is that cockney rhyming slang for previous?

That’s me being tired and being unable to make a coherent thought

😂😂😂

The snag got snagged.

destiel going canon only in spanish and an episode of the animaniacs reboot getting pulled for showing a number to a phone sex hotline within 12 hours of each other is the cherry on top of this batshit fucking month

why does destiel keep being the vehicle for my learning wild and completely unrelated information

I've basically given up and accepted that news will now be fed to me wrapped in destiel as if I'm a dog being given a pill wrapped in cheese.

sooooo can yall help me determine if this is a fireable offense

a lady just came in asking if we have oat milk and we dont so i said “our soy milk is pretty good though, thats what i use in my drinks!” and she looked at me and went “yknow soy milk lowers a mans sperm count” and without thinking i just went “cant lose something you never had”

youre laughing. i got called a soy boy and youre laughing

The Chinese name for it is like... Introverted Grass.

suddenly I am dying to know multilingual nicknames for this tiny twig of shame

Me, throwing em dashes, semicolons, commas, and ellipses into a jumbo-sized trash bag and then shaking it vigorously: hang on I gotta season my fic before I upload it

Make it spicy

genre? how would I know what genre? look i want a playlist that sounds like how i feel when i'm quietly longing for a future i can't envision and a past that never existed. it needs to taste like ginger & honey & an evening home alone in a big drafty house. it should smell like that one staircase from middle school. no I can't be more specific, now generate my FUCKING playlist

I have a couple songs I go to when I want “sounds like how i feel when i'm quietly longing for a future i can't envision and a past that never existed”. But they’re my songs for my feelings and I don’t know if they’ll hit you the same.

no f***ing way

Isthis f***ing reallife

Man this sports Anime has a really good budget

“HE ASCENDED THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A DEFENSIVE ANGELLL!!!!!1!1!1!1”

i died when they put him back on the floor and started cheering 

We all know Tsukishima looked Hinata right in the eyes while showing this to everyone

Gotta love studio c comedy

I always love seeing this comic because it interprets Tumblr as a gigantic theater ruled by absolute chaos where sometimes somebody just stands up on their chair and shouts and we all pay attention

this post is from THIS YEAR

he cannot die. Unstoppable

I’m watching an online yu gi oh battle

Quality vintage post