"Sweet mother, I cannot weave – slender Aphrodite has overcome me with longing for a girl."

Imagine now this instead:

Imagine being so self-absorbed that you have to actually go find the moment this happened in the stream, screen shot it and use it online to belittle others. Is that a kink of yours? Did you feel pleasure in doing this? Do explain the process to me. Does it bring you joy to make a post like this where the only aim is trying to call others bad? Do you think you have any right to do this? What drove this, other than some wicked desire to prove you are better than others? What's your personal accomplishment here?

Imagine also being so mentally detached that you fight every day to protect a bunch of pixels, a pretty image with a code attached to it. Since when has it become okay to protect and defend something that doesn't ultimately exist, while choosing instead to hurt and belittle actual human beings who exist? Puts this under a completely different light, doesn't it? At least it should. If it doesn't for you, well then you should rethink your priorities maybe...

Imagine also being a writer (we all know who) who preaches how bad it was that she wasn't able to detach herself from thinking and obsessing over pixel boyfriends instead of real life people and tried to prove how bad this was, but then at the same time empowers people to obsess over what happens to the pixel boyfriend more instead of focusing on the way they are behaving towards other fellow fans or considering how other real people might feel by reading her spiteful comments. That's quite funny? Didn't she say it was bad to obsess over a character to begin with because it made her unable to see real people for what they were? Ah. Why behave the exact opposite then? Has she learned nothing?

Imagine being the same, self-entitled writer with protagonist mania ("some kind of superstar" as per her description) who thinks she has the right to offend others.

Imagine being the same writer, who wrote something (not really sure she wrote any of this but she sure loves to gloat that she did, over and over and over and over), only to then decide to call out all of the people who enjoyed what was written, and admitting she wrote it to punish them... like she's some fucking justicar or something. She must love the power this gives her... Ah, to be that plain minded to think that only her reasoning is valid, and all the other people should suck it up. But.. she's just 24 after all - unprofessional and inexperienced with the world, with no understanding of social interactions or of what can hurt others. It can't be helped I guess.. Let her ride the popularity train till it lasts. She will need to live in this world for at least another 10 years and grow up a bit more to understand what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable to do and say as a professional AND as a human being. So far, none of this is professional, and fomenting people and spreading hate is not only unprofessional but frankly disgusting. It goes as saying "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all".

Now, this next part is going to be really painful to write for me... Specially on a day like today. I really hoped it never would have come to this, and it makes me want to cry in a way. If only I hadn't tuned in that night for the stream, I could have gone on blissfully unaware... But here we are.

Imagine being an actor who acts different roles, good or evil. Who does it beautifully, and deserves all the praise and awards and respect in the world for it. Who also seems like a wonderful human being irl, supportive of many beautiful causes and charities. But then, doing something like this. I don't know what happened there. Maybe it's some kind of nightmare and I will wake up. Or maybe he was tired since he's overworking. But regardless.. It's just the exact same as what the writer did - punishing someone for liking something different. Something they both have worked to bring to life. Except well, the writer is barely out of her teenager years... But Neil. Neil is a grown up adult man, who should know better. He's perfectly entitled to say Ascended Astarion isn't for him, we all have different tastes... but he should still be professional and detached about it. Giving the judging stare to those who like Ascended is none of that - it's super partes...and it empowers people to continue to bully us. People like you, who take his reaction and use it to belittle others, feeling justified and excused for this type of behaviour. Not only! It's actually an offense to your own acting skills even, since you're the one who played him and should be proud of every aspect of the character you played. So what, those actors who played evil roles in movies and such should now go and judge those who like their evil characters? It's also an offense to who wrote that part of the story. And it's in its way quite mean towards those in the fandom who actually liked that path. Hells, he really should know better than this... And this is what pains me the most - there were a million ways to respond to that request: acting the part (acting, what an actor does), making a silly joke about it, play along, just recite any line, whatever you want. Literally ANYTHING BUT judgement would have worked fine.

And, the fact that it happened in his stream.

Imagine being a streaming page that repeats at the beginning of the each stream, so basically now every day, how they are an inclusive place for EVERYONE, where everyone can feel safe and at home, and where judgement or belittling or offending is not allowed and has no space, but then actually letting literally all of these unfold right there for everybody to see. What went wrong? Were the mods asleep or having coffee, or secretly complacent? Did they think any of this is acceptable in any way? The mods who went to hell and beyond to moderate useless things such as spoilers for Adirak's whipping... But did absolutely ZERO moderating when the offense and laughs and belittlement over the person who asked for that quote happened. Not one. Nobody lifted a finger. Nobody gave a single shit about that person, a human being, or their feelings. There was only laughing and judging in chat. How despicable. So... I'm guessing even a place like Neil's stream is not as safe as it claims to be. Or maybe it's only safe towards people who think the same as the mods and chat? Then please don't call it inclusive. It's very very partial and uninclusive if so.

And what hurt me the most... Imagine how horrible the person who went to work every single day, who knows, maybe for hours, doing overtime, sacrificing other important priorities, just to afford this signing must have felt. They were probably shattered. We don't even know them, and if or what they have suffered in life. All they wanted was a sweet cameo from the person they admired, and instead, they got shat on and laughed at in public.

I feel for them so much, and I wish I could hug them, and send this horrible feeling away. I understand they might want to remain anonymous after this, and don't know if you will ever read this, but if you happen to and feel like it, please write to me. If there's nobody there supporting you or being nice to you, I'll be that person. Leave the bullies and abusers alone. There are people out there who will listen and accept you. We may not be the loud majority (as you see, it's extremely hard to be when you will immediately be attacked if you but dare try to express yourself), but we are there. Rejected and outcast, but we do exist. I'd like to be your friend if that's okay.

Moving on... Imagine now how all the people who asked for an ascended quote must feel now. Not that you guys care or ever will, obviously, you only care about your little selves and are incapable of accepting of others, but... For the first time since the streaming signings started, I am actually afraid to watch. Yesterday I had dread and anxiety rising because well, I paid, and not a small amount, let's be honest. So I should endure and watch. But I couldn't. I kept it on, because watching the stream had become a thing I enjoy doing in the evening and apparently I am reluctant to give it up somehow, so I decided to force myself to watch regardless. But I watched without audio, and without looking at the chat. Not sure why even, because I couldn't get myself to turn my head towards the screen. I don't need to be hurt by random entitled people on the web.

Eventually I will have my quote signed. It's an ascended quote, so I guess I must expect the ugly laughs and judging and belittlement again... Is this what we deserve? To be laughed at by fellow players? By people who should claim being supportive of each other? What have we done to you to deserve this, offended your pixel boyfriend? What's my sin exactly, having an evil fantasy for once in my life? Do I need to burn at the stake for this? Explain, please.

My quote is very tame regardless, so maybe it won't be an issue. But imagine those people who have been asking for a bit more intense quotes from Ascended, how horrible they must feel. Maybe before, the idea of getting a favorite quote and signature brought them happiness and excitement, but instead now it kinda feels like walking towards the gallows to be offed. I know a few people who are feeling as bad if not worse as I am now... Like actually stressed about this. I guess I can convince myself that if anything else falls, I will have donated part of that money to charity, but if I knew it was going to go down this path, it would have been better to directly offer the 120 bucks to some homeless person in the street.

As of now, watching the signing doesn't bring me joy anymore, and I don't know if it will again. I'd rather not, if there's going to be obvious preferences or classification like this. I really didn't want it to get to this point, I hoped that even if places like twitter and reddit and Tumblr are filled with people frothing at their mouth when they get to talk fellow fans down or belittle them, at least in the streams there would be impartiality. If not, they could have called them "Signings but only if you don't ascend Astarion, otherwise you're not welcome, don't bother". Because of this, it really just feels like a soulless paid transaction now, nothing more. Might as well not even watch anymore if I watching means I need to shield myself from attacks and snickering and judging. Might as well not post anything on social media anymore if the comments are going to be like this and you people like to group up and bully us. I'm even scared to open reddit because of the things that may have been replied to me there. Things like "Oh no, you don't get to play the victim here". But I actually am feeling like one. I haven't checked reddit in 2 weeks because of that - apparently just saying "he looks cute here" in an ascended video earned me a whopping -100 downvotes. Wow. I guess I'm not allowed to find him cute. Apparently admitting to ascending Astarion so far has also earned me and many others the following titles:

-deluded

-illiterate

-abuser irl

-enjoys being abused irl

-unloved

-wrong

-bad

-monster

-defective brain

-doesn't understand the character

-evil (hello? Evilness exists in this game. Why aren't people bullying players who go the evil path with other characters? Making a Sharran Shadowheart or Vlaakith devoted Lae'zel? Giving Gale the crown? Becoming a Bhaalist? I see no judgement there. Why is it only this damn entitled community???)

And again, what have I done to deserve this? Do these people who spit these judgements here and there know me? My life story and whether or not I suffered in life? No. They don't. I'm a good person, I respect everyone's opinion at all times, don't go looking for trouble, respect the law thoroughly, help whenever possible, have never hurt a damn being unless seriously provoked, act kindly towards people in general, and generally always try to see eye to eye/keep in the gray instead of seeing everything as black or white. If I like an evil path in a fantasy game or fictional book, am I automatically all of the above offenses irl? Grow up, please.. Astarion doesn't exist, nobody is hurting or dooming or "destroying" anyone's soul. And certainly none of the people who pick this path would do anything remotely similar in real life. Games are there to make us experience things and situations we can't experience in life. Are you actually for real?? You do know there are wars in the world right now, and actual real people suffering and dying? You're triggered because I "hurt" a bunch of pixels? The only people I see hurting real people's feelings, are you guys.

So much for inclusion - this is just another variant of cyber bullying. Judging others is not automatically better because you people think you're in the right, it's still bullying. And using the force of number and the fact that you're a majority vs a minority makes this even more repulsing.

Cherry on the cake.. Imagine now saying you are a trauma survivor (apparently 70% or more of the people who ascend Astarion say they are) and that playing his path is all about "breaking the cycle of abuse bla bla". It would be very noble and great, and I would respect them very much.... if only it were true!!! Is that how you break your cycles of abuse? By buddying up and finding targets you can spit all the vitriol and hate you have inside at? Are you positive that's "healing"? Abusing and belittling someone you strongly disagree with is not "healing" in any manner. You blame Ascended Astarion for becoming an abuser, then go out and abuse others who ascend him. Can you not, I don't know, be adults about it and accept that we all think differently and enjoy fiction in different way? If you can't, don't go preaching about inclusion because this is absolutely ridiculous and distasteful and 100% uninclusive. We should be friends and enjoy the character together without judgment.. But people who write and share and applaud posts such as this, or the idiotic claims from Welch that she is "punishing" readers, effectually driving this divide more deep every day, are the true Cazadors here. And just as Cazador, as entitled and monstrous as he is.

Maybe think on that. If you can ever think impartially that is, and feel for us people who get driven away and outcast by your actions and are forced to enjoy the game alone, or in small groups, scared or unable because of this to interact. Who maybe would like to go to a convention but they don't have the courage to because they'd become fresh meat for your rabid throats if they revealed their preferences. Or who aren't brave or strong enough to say how they feel online. Bet y'all are enjoying it up there, laughing at them from your privileged positions. Sad it had to come to this.

I would have liked to join everyone in watching the awards stream and celebrate Neil's nomination with everybody today.. But I don't know. I just didn't feel like it, and I hate this. Thanks for making our life miserable.

And before someone replies "boo stop being a victim", maybe consider my words for once.