Please Remember

Really struggling at the moment. It’s been 8 years since you left us. It’s almost your birthday. I just don’t feel I’m coping well at all. Wish you was here so much. I feel so angry your not here and hate that I’m snapping at everyone and I’m just no fun to be around. Your little sister really doesn’t understand and it makes me feel so bad. I cried myself to sleep last night I haven’t done that for ages. Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I be spending the day watching you laugh and play with your presents? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why did you have to leave us? I love you so much …

I was working for the Wave of Light so lit the candle on my phone.

I haven't read a book on stillbirth. I will make it my mission to read a book and share with you all soon. For now a book to signify my boy would be his scrapbook I started for him soon after he died.

I've shared this before but this lady has shared her story in such a beautiful way. Such a strong woman as are we all. Please read.... just click on the title.

So many things can trigger memories of my boy or the moments after his death. My most reason trigger was a trip to the hospital with a friend. We walked passed the room where I was scanned and told Benjamin had died. It took me back to that moment.

I remember not long after losing Benjamin watching a UK Tv Show called Afterlife. At the end of the final episode one of the main characters dies and he his reunited with his son who died some time before him. I know it was just a Tv Show but for me it felt beautiful. I belief this is what will happen when I die. I couldn't imagine anything else.

This is the playlist of songs I took into hospital with me, I didn't know at the time of creating this playlist that my boy had died. All Time Young by Will Young was a song we played at his funeral.

The colour lilac always reminds me of my boy. Thats because the room we was in at the hospital was decorated lilac with pictures of lilac flowers. I bought this little bear because it reminded me of my time in hospital with my son.

I'm in a good place right now. Although I have experienced the worst thing any parent can go through I'm coping. I'm extremely happy and lucky with everything else in my life. I treasure every moment of my life because I know how quickly good things can be taken from you.

We always release balloons for Benjamin on his birthday and on Christmas Day. It get's me through these days. Gives me something to focus on.

Instead of My humps, My humps, My lovely lady lumps ... I would sing My Bump, My bump, My lovely baby bump!

We are Benjamins legacy ... his family. Maybe not in the early days but losing Benjamin made me love stronger, believe more and never give up hope. Our rainbow baby Stevie was born with a strawberry birthmark on her forehead. These kind of birthmarks are also known as Angel Kisses ... she was conceived around Benjamin's 2nd birthday. I truly believe Stevie is a gift from Benjamin ... we had suffered enough heartache.